The first person arrives. The second follows and, seeing that the other looks a bit unwell, approaches with concern.
One – Are you okay?
Two – I just buried my father.
One – Buried?
Two – Yes, well… I didn’t do it myself. I hired specialists. Seems like there’s no other way. It’s not cheap, by the way.
One – Oh, I see…
Two – Anyway, I’ve just come from the funeral.
One – I’m truly sorry. Please accept my condolences…
Two – You can keep your condolences. I hated my father.
One – We always have a good reason to hate our fathers.
Two – You know what I find really unbearable at funerals?
One – What?
Two – All those people who aren’t even part of the family, whom we’ve often never seen in our lives before the ceremony, and who, in front of the coffin, start sobbing louder than the deceased’s own children. As if to make them feel guilty for not showing more demonstrative grief.
One – You’re right… There should be a precedence order. A permissible decibel level based on each person’s proximity to the deceased.
Two – If the direct heirs don’t feel the need to cry in front of the deceased’s coffin, then the others should refrain from doing so, right?
One – Yet, it seems that your father’s death didn’t leave you entirely indifferent…
Two – Indeed… His passing is tough for me.
One – Despite your differences, you hadn’t completely severed ties with him…
Two – No… The last time I saw him was in the judge’s office…
One – In the judge’s office?
Two – I was about to win the lawsuit I had filed against my father… Now that he’s dead, of course, it’s going to be much more difficult…
One – Ah, I see…
Two – I’m afraid the case will be closed without resolution.
One – That’s worrying. But… why the lawsuit, if I may ask?
Two – It would take a bit long to explain, but basically… I reproach my father, after bringing me into this world, for leaving me completely defenceless in the face of the world’s misery…
One – And why not make the same reproach to your mother as well?
Two – I was born of an unknown mother.
One – Of an unknown mother? Well… I didn’t even know that was physically possible. In my time… But it’s true that nowadays, with new technologies…
Two – I was born in unknown lands, from an undocumented surrogate mother, paid in cash, who preferred to remain anonymous.
One – So, you blamed your father for depriving you of a mother’s affection…
Two – Oh no, not at all!
One – Then why sue him for bringing you into this world? You don’t seem to have any particular malformations…
Two – Goodness, no.
One – I’d even say you’re rather well-made…
Two – Thank you.
One – So, why?
Two – Have you seen the world we live in?
One – Yes, that’s true… With all these wars everywhere on the planet. Terrorism. Famine. Climate change…
Two – Not to mention the wealth tax and prostate cancer.
One – You hold your father accountable for bringing you into this valley of tears that is our modern world…
Two – Actually, it’s a bit more complicated than that…
One – You’re starting to intrigue me.
Two – Before dying, my father bequeathed a large part of his fortune to a foundation that fights world hunger.
One – Ah, yes, that’s… That’s good.
Two – Yes, but my share of the inheritance is reduced as a result.
One – Of course… But… it’s still very generous of him.
Two – Not at all! He did it on purpose to annoy me!
One – What do you mean, to annoy you? World hunger, everyone is against it, right? Don’t tell me you’re in favour…
Two – I’m telling you he did it solely to disinherit me.
One – Yes, I understand, but… Still… It will benefit people who really need that money.
Two – Exactly! That’s why I’m suing him.
One – Pardon?
Two – If he had left his fortune to his plumber or his tax inspector, his intention to harm me would have been clear. But this way, it’s particularly cunning, isn’t it?
One – Cunning?
Two – By disinheriting me in favour of fighting world hunger, he gives himself the moral high ground, you see! And if I oppose it, I come off as selfish. A daddy’s boy who wants to keep eating caviar with his father’s inheritance, rather than joyfully renouncing it so that the disinherited can have a bit of rice on their plates.
One – When they have a plate…
Two – Oh no, I won’t let it happen!
One – Of course… I mean… I understand… But it might not be easy.
Two – Tell me about it…
One – As you were saying, in front of the judges, you’ll have the bad role…
Two – There you go… But I remain confident… I have a good lawyer…
One – And what will you do if you still win the case?
Two – What do you expect me to do? I’ll immediately donate that money to the same foundation.
One – Pardon?
Two – I have no choice! If I keep all that cash for myself, I’ll be seen as a jerk. That’s what you’d think, wouldn’t you?
One – Well, yes, obviously…
Two – There you go! When I told you my father was a great pervert, do you understand now?
One – Uh… Yes… I’m trying… But… are you sure it’s not a bit complicated, all of this?
Two – And why is that?
One – If this money is ultimately going to that foundation…
Two – Ah yes, but it’s not the same at all! This time, I’ll be the one giving.
One – You’ll be giving… your father’s money.
Two – If I inherit it first, it’ll be my money! And I will have proven that he did all this not out of generosity but simply to annoy me. And I’ll be the benefactor of humanity!
One – Of course… Well… If it can make you feel better too…
Two – Yes… But there’s still one thing that bothers me.
One – The death of your father…
Two – No, the fact that even if I win this case, he’ll never know…
One – It’s always much more difficult to get revenge on people who are already dead.
Two – Yes… And it’s much less gratifying…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Open Letters
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Give and Take est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A man is in a bed, staring into space. The woman enters, dressed quite formally and holding a briefcase.
Woman – Good morning, sir. I’m sorry, I’m a bit late. A small delay.
Man – Do we know each other?
Woman – I’m sorry; I forgot to introduce myself. We haven’t had the pleasure of meeting before. I’m Mrs. Eugenia Ionesco, your notary.
Man – Eugenia Ionesco?
Woman – Does that name ring a bell?
Man – Let me think… No, definitely, the first thing that comes to mind is that I’m really screwed.
The woman opens her briefcase and takes out some papers.
Woman – By the way, precisely. As agreed, I’ve prepared the documents you requested.
Man – Ah, yes…?
Woman – I’m talking about your will, do you remember?
Man – No.
Woman – Anyway, it’s always a good thing to get your affairs in order. Just in case…
Man – Yes, a priest told me the same thing not too long ago.
Woman – No one lives forever, do they? I, myself, had a little accident on my way here with my car. A reckless driver. It could have been much worse. That’s actually the reason for my delay.
Man – So, that’s why the notary arrives after the priest. That seemed strange to me…
Woman – The time it took to fill out the accident report… That fool wouldn’t admit he was at fault. He happened to be a priest… Shows that a priest can be stubborn too…
Man – A priest who, strangely, also resembled my wife, I suppose.
Woman – But I don’t want to keep you too long. And for me, all this has put me very behind schedule… (She hands him a stack of papers and a pen.) If you’d be so kind as to initial and sign. Of course, you’re not obligated to read everything.
The man hesitates before taking the document and the pen.
Man – Well, I guess I don’t have much of a choice. I feel like I’m signing my own death warrant…
He tries to sign but stops after a few unsuccessful attempts.
Woman – Is there a problem?
Man – Your pen isn’t working.
Woman – Let me see… (She leans over the document.) Oh, no… It’s just that… I forgot to mention. It’s invisible ink.
Man – Invisible ink?
Woman – Lemon juice, if you prefer.
Man – Okay…
Woman – Go ahead, sign. (While he initials and signs) You see, notaries aren’t always welcome in Palliative Care Units.
Man – How strange.
Woman – They even bring in clowns, I’ve heard, in the hopes of alleviating some patients’ suffering by making them laugh themselves to death. Personally, I find clowns to be one of the saddest sights, don’t you?
Man – A notary, perhaps…
Woman – The circus, in general. It’s quite gloomy. I’ve always thought it smells of death. Not to mention funfairs, of course.
Man – You were talking about lemon juice, I believe…
Woman – What can I say? Some people are just more suspicious than others. Certain family members wonder if we might make their parent sign anything on their deathbed to part them from their savings and inheritance.
Man – So, if you happen to bump into one on your way out, you can show them this testament and say, “You see, he didn’t sign anything.”
Woman – Exactly.
Man – And once you’re back in your office, you can pass the document under a candle to caramelize the lemon juice. I used to do that when I was a kid.
Woman – We were all kids, weren’t we?
Man – But only notaries managed to keep their childlike souls…
Woman – I have to get going. I have other dying patients to see before this evening.
Man – Just out of curiosity… what does this testament say, in a nutshell?
Woman – You bequeath all your assets to a foundation whose purpose is to establish contact with extraterrestrial civilizations.
Man – If it can at least help me re-establish contact with my wife.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Not even dead
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Invisible ink est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.