Two chairs and a table with a carafe and a glass. One character enters wearing a face mask. Another arrives, also wearing a mask. After a moment’s hesitation, the second character addresses the first with a conspiratorial look.
One – Fools, they dare anything…
Two – That’s how you recognise them.
One – What a stupid password.
Two – Indeed.
One – Right. As I said, payment is upfront.
The other hands him an envelope.
Two – Here you go.
One – What’s the name of the target?
Two – John Smith.
One – Well, that’s odd.
Two – What is?
One – Oh, nothing… Actually, no, I probably shouldn’t say this because you’re not supposed to know my name, but… It’s a namesake.
Two – A namesake?
One – My name’s John Smith too. I mean, it’s a pretty common name…
Two – It’s not a namesake.
One – I’m telling you, my name’s John Smith too.
Two – Yes. And you’re the one to be eliminated.
One – Me?
Two – Yes, you.
One – You’re hiring me to kill myself?
Two – Precisely.
One – But why?
Two – A contract is a contract, isn’t it? And I’ve paid you…
One – Right.
Two – Here, I even brought the poison.
He hands him a packet.
One – What’s this?
Two – Ant poison.
One – Right.
Two – I can count on you, can’t I?
One – Of course…
He walks off. The other pauses, bewildered. He sits down, thinks for a moment, then pours the packet’s contents into a glass, adds water, stirs, and prepares to drink. The other character returns, laughing, mask off.
One – April Fool!
The one sitting snaps out of his stupor and recognises him.
Two – You’re such an idiot, Bob.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article April Fool’s Day est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character sits at a table with one full glass and one empty one. Next to him is a bucket with a bottle of champagne. Another character arrives.
One – You know how to whistle, don’t you?
Two – You just put your lips together and blow
One – A password for film buffs…
Two – To Have and Have Not, a classic. I’ll pour you some.
One – Gladly.
The other pours him a glass. They toast.
Two – To our contract.
One – I haven’t agreed to anything yet. What’s the job exactly?
Two – To kill someone.
One – I’m a hitman. That’s usually why I’m hired. But who do you want to get rid of?
Two – Myself.
One – Sorry?
Two – Yes, I know, it’s probably unusual, but after all, what difference does it make to you?
One – None, I suppose.
Two – It actually has advantages. The victim’s willing, no one will complain, and you’re guaranteed no trouble.
One – In our line of work, you’re never guaranteed anything, you know. The question is… why don’t you do it yourself?
Two – Because I don’t have the courage, plain and simple.
One – I understand. Killing someone else is one thing. Killing yourself is another. If I ever wanted to end it, I think I’d call in a colleague.
Two – Plus, I don’t want to hurt my loved ones, you understand. Suicide is always such a burden for those left behind. “Why didn’t I see it coming?” “If only I’d known, could I have stopped it?”
One – Of course.
Two – An accident, or even a murder, is much easier for them to handle.
One – I have to admit, we’re getting more and more requests like yours. At first, it was hard for me, but… When you can be of service…
Two – You’ll be doing me a great favour, truly.
One – If I may ask… Why?
Two – Just weariness, really… The sense that what I was meant to do on this earth is behind me.
One – And if you change your mind?
Two – Unfortunately, every day I feel more certain about it.
One – Well, if you do change your mind, just send me a text.
Two – Alright.
He takes an envelope from his pocket and slides it across the table.
Two – Here you go, as agreed.
One – Very well.
Two – Aren’t you going to count it?
One – Where you’re going, what would you do with a few euros you hadn’t given me?
Two – True.
One – You seem like a nice chap. I’ll be a bit sad to…
Two – You seem rather nice yourself. And all things considered, I’m glad it’s you handling it…
One – As I mentioned, I give myself a month to complete the contract. So it could be tomorrow or next month. You won’t know the day, the hour, or the place…
Two – And what if something happens to you in the meantime?
One – Happens?
Two – If you die before I do.
One – That’s unlikely, but in that case, I’m afraid you’d have to keep living a bit longer.
Two – Then take good care of yourself.
The other stands up, makes a farewell gesture, and leaves. The one who remains finishes his drink. We hear the screech of tyres followed by a crash.
Two – Oh, damn. That’s the third one this week…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Bad Luck est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character sits at a table with a drink. Another character arrives.
One – Hey. You here on your own?
Two – Looks like we’re the first ones.
One – I’m not sure how many will show up. Honestly, I almost didn’t come myself.
Two – It’s the first meeting. Maybe they couldn’t get the word out to everyone in time.
One – Just hope the police didn’t get the memo.
Two – You’re not wrong… A Hitmen’s Union… I’m not sure it’s a good idea.
One – True, together we’d be stronger in defending our interests, but still…
Two – Our interests?
One – Standardising our rates, for example. To avoid undercutting each other with unfair competition.
Two – Yeah… But we don’t want to be accused of price-fixing either.
One – Price-fixing?
Two – You’re right. Besides… We’re already working outside the law.
One – Like sex workers.
Two – I think they managed to get health insurance and even pension contributions.
One – Do you think our profession could ever be state-recognised?
Two – Maybe even classified as a public service? After all… Crime has always existed. It always will.
One – It’s the oldest profession in the world. Older than prostitution.
Two – That’s true. Was anyone already on the street when Cain killed Abel?
One – He should have hired a professional; would’ve saved him a lot of trouble.
Two – Murder is a profession, so why not regulate our activity with laws?
One – Yeah… But they’ll say it’s not democratic. Only the wealthy could afford to kill those who annoy them.
Two – Unless it’s reimbursed.
One – By the National Health Service, you mean?
Two – I don’t know…
Pause.
One – So, how’s business going?
Two – A bit dead at the moment.
One – What was your last job?
Two – A woman who didn’t have the courage to end it herself. She wanted me to take care of it.
One – Easy money. At least no one will come complaining.
Two – You’d think. Last minute, she changed her mind. Since she had a credit with me, she asked me to kill her husband instead. Now, things seem to be going better for her… (Pause) And you?
One – I was supposed to take care of an old lady. A bloke had bought her house on a life annuity, and she was already a centenarian.
Two – Bad luck… But it’s cases like that where our profession really serves a social purpose.
One – Right after she signed the contract for me to help her go with dignity, she died bungee jumping.
Two – Bungee jumping?
One – Her grandkids gave it to her as a present for her hundredth birthday.
Two – And the bungee cord snapped…
One – No. Her heart did.
Two – Ah, damn.
One – So the client wanted a refund.
Two – And?
One – A contract’s a contract.
Two – After all, she did die.
One – He wouldn’t listen. Instead of killing the old woman, I had to get rid of the client.
Two – Killing your clients is never good for business.
One – That’s why in cases like these, a union could help resolve business disputes…
A pause. A police siren is heard in the background.
Two – Ah, I don’t think we’ll be alone after all…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Unionising est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. A woman in smart-casual business attire – blazer with jeans – is seated at a table. She opens her briefcase and pulls out a catalogue, flipping through it while sipping her coffee. Her phone rings; she answers.
Executive – Yes… Oh, really…? Yes, yes, I’ll wait for them. No, no, I think I’m a bit early. What time exactly is the meeting?
Another woman arrives, clearly her boss, dressed in a full business suit. Phone glued to her ear, hyperactive energy, like she’s on a sugar high or something stronger. She sits at the same table.
Manager – Ten forty-five. Do you have the visuals for the new campaign?
They both continue talking into their phones, as if not seated face-to-face.
Executive – Yes, yes, absolutely. You’ll see, it’s stunning…
The executive flips to another page in the catalogue. Her manager grabs it and starts looking through it herself.
Manager – Ah, yes, this is…
Executive – It’s different..
Manager – Yes…
Executive – The creatives really did a good job.
Manager – For once, they actually came up with something creative.
The executive glances up and suddenly seems to register the absurdity of the situation, talking on the phone to her manager sitting right in front of her.
Executive – Would you like a coffee?
The manager finally looks up from the catalogue and acknowledges her directly.
Manager – Uh, no, thank you. I’ve quit coffee. It stains my teeth and makes me want to pee.
The manager now stares at her colleague with a puzzled expression, as if something about her outfit seems off. She squints slightly, trying to figure it out.
Manager – Are you… not wearing a bra?
Executive – Uh… No. Is that a problem?
Manager – No, no… Well… Don’t you usually wear one?
Executive – Since it’s Friday, I thought… you know… something more relaxed.
Manager – More relaxed?
Executive – You know… Friday wear, right…?
Manager – Friday wear…?
Executive – In the States, on Fridays, all executives dress like this. A bit less formal. Smart, but casual…
Manager – In the States…?
Executive – Without a bra.
Manager (uncomfortable) – Right…
A somewhat awkward silence.
Executive – Can I speak freely?
Manager (a little uneasy) – Speak freely? I’m starting to think I preferred you with a bra.
Executive – Our company has a bit of an outdated image, you know. All the surveys say so. We’re seen as… out of touch. I figured, along with the new catalogue, if we embraced “Friday wear”… we’d feel a bit more… connected.
The manager looks surprised. She hesitates, then decides.
Manager – You know what… you’re right.
She turns away from the audience, squirms for a moment, then turns back holding her bra.
Manager – If it’s good enough for the Yankees…
The executive is a little taken aback.
Manager (relieved) – Ah… it does feel better… Do I look cooler like this?
Executive – Much cooler.
Manager – Next time, I’ll take off my panties too…
But the manager still seems a bit worried.
Manager – Though… isn’t it a bit… considering the client?
Executive – Why? What do you mean?
Manager – Well… they do sell lingerie, don’t they?
Executive – Oh… Right! But still, it’s only on Fridays.
The director seems to give in.
Manager (relaxing a bit) – Well, I still have to take you to the client… (Pleased with her joke) Like the farmer takes the cow to the bull…
The executive frowns slightly, unsure whether it’s a joke. They both get up to leave.
Manager – So… who exactly are we meeting?
Executive – The new CEO.
Manager – The new one?
Executive – The last one committed suicide. Last Friday. Didn’t you hear?
Manager – Oh my God… No. What a horrible idea.
Executive – She hanged herself. From her office balcony. With the strap of her bra, actually…
Manager – Well… that’s quality material. Must’ve been strong… to hold that kind of weight.
The executive looks a little disturbed by how calm her boss seems.
Manager – I’m kidding. I thought we were being chill today, weren’t we?
They exit.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Friday wear est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A customer arrives. Before entering, she takes a final drag of her cigarette. The customer stands in front of the bar.
Owner – What can I get for you?
Customer – I don’t know… I don’t fancy anything…
Owner – Nothing? Sorry, that’s not on the menu.
Customer – I just feel like throwing myself under a train.
Owner – This isn’t the right place for that. This isn’t a train station, love. So if you want to stay, you’ll have to order something.
Customer – Fine, what do you recommend?
Owner – If you fancy it, I have house sangria.
Customer – I’m not sure… What else do you have?
Owner – A while ago, you didn’t know what to have, and now you find there’s not enough choice?
Customer – Well then I’ll have… a beer. When you have suicidal thoughts, beer seems quite appropriate, doesn’t it?
Owner – What kind of beer?
Customer – Death & Taxes
Owner – I don’t do craft beer.
Customer – What do you have?
Owner – Draught beer.
Customer – What kind of draught beer?
Owner – Regular draught…
Customer – Is that all?
Owner – A moment ago, you didn’t know what to have, and now you think there’s not enough choice?
Customer – A regular draught will be just fine.
Owner – What people come looking for here isn’t beer, you know. They have beer at home in the fridge.
Customer – You’re right. They probably come here looking for a bit of human warmth…
Owner – Doesn’t matter how it’s served, as long as it hits.
Customer – A half-pint then. No, two…
The owner serves her two half-pints.
Owner – Here you go… Two halves…
Customer – Two halves. That makes a whole… At least that’s what I learned in school…
Owner – You’re a funny one, aren’t you… Are you waiting for someone?
Customer – If I were waiting for my other half, I’d go sit at one of those tables and fix myself up. I wouldn’t be here, standing, dishevelled, talking to myself.
Owner – Thanks.
The customer pushes the second half-pint towards the owner.
Customer – You’re different. (They clink glasses.) A bar owner’s like a shrink, a priest or a prostitute. You can tell them everything, but you can’t ask them anything. Especially not if they have issues with their mother, or if they also have dark thoughts sometimes…
Owner – Do you have issues with your mother?
Customer – Do you ever have dark thoughts?
Owner – That’s none of your business!
Customer – Ah, you see…
Owner – Did you come here looking for trouble?
Customer – I came looking for inspiration.
Owner – Oh really…?
Customer – Poets often go to bars to find inspiration. Didn’t you know?
Owner (ironically) – Yes, of course. All my customers are poets.
Customer – They say that every day in this country, two bars close down. It was in the paper this morning.
Owner – I don’t read newspapers.
Customer – But you sell them!
Owner – I sell pipes too. And I don’t smoke.
Customer – Where will poets go for inspiration when all the bars have been replaced by McDonald’s?
Owner – Let them go to hell.
Customer – Believe me, when fast food takes over every corner, poets will be left writing airport fiction.
Owner – Is that why you want to throw yourself under a train?
Customer – Or maybe because I’m afraid I won’t find inspiration.
Owner – Do you really think it’s here that you’ll find something to tell?
Customer – If counters could talk, they’d have plenty to say, wouldn’t they?
Owner – Sure… But I don’t know who would be interested.
Customer – You know, it was in a bar like this one that I found out my exam results.
Owner – No kidding…
Customer – Exams… They’re milestones in life, aren’t they? Rites of passage…
Owner – I don’t know… I don’t even have a driver’s license. I think the only licence I’ll ever get is a burial one.
Customer – I could tell my life story… Or yours…?
Owner – Can you make money telling your life story? All my customers do that for free…
Customer – Money? Not much…
Owner – Peanuts?
Customer – Yes, more or less.
Owner – No, I mean… Do you want peanuts? With your two halves…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Two Halves est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.