One character (man or woman) is there. Another arrives (also gender-neutral).
One – Hi!
Two – Hi…
One – You’re here for the casting?
Two – Yes.
One – It’s a great part, isn’t it?
Two – Yes.
One – The kind of role that could really reignite a career…
Two – Reignite…? Are you saying that about me?
One – Haven’t seen you on screen in a while, have we?
Two – I’ve mostly been doing theatre lately.
One – And ads! That’s right, I saw you in that commercial for stairlifts.
Two – It was for hearing aids.
One – Ah, right. Maybe.
Two – Yeah.
A pause.
One – You really don’t remember me?
Two – Should I?
One – We went to the same casting once. Years ago. We were young then.
Two – Oh, yeah?
One – It was for a TV drama. About a bastard who kills his wife for the life insurance, and frames his best mate for the murder.
Two – Oh right. Yes.
One – You got the part. You must’ve been more convincing than me at playing a bastard.
Two – Yeah.
One – That was the role that launched your career.
Two – It’s true.
One – Funny how things turn out, isn’t it?
Two – What do you mean?
One – Back then, if I’d got the part instead of you… I might be the star today.
Two – Maybe…
One – A bit of a has-been star, but still.
Two – Thanks… But you know, I don’t really believe in luck.
One – No?
Two – Maybe I just had more talent than you. Even back then. That’s all.
One – Yeah… Or maybe you were sleeping with the producer.
The other takes the hit.
Two – So… you’re here to audition for the lead as well?
One – No.
Two – Supporting role, then?
One – Nope.
Two – Extra?
One – I’m the producer.
The other reels again.
Two – Oh, really?
One – Since I never managed to sleep with a producer to get parts, I decided to become one.
Two – I see…
One – I didn’t have the looks to pull it off.
Two – Right.
One – But don’t worry – I don’t expect actors to sleep with me to get a part.
Two – Good to know.
One – I only cast people with talent, you see.
Two – I see.
One – Though I’m not sure how reassuring that is… for you.
Two – Yeah… I didn’t recognise you at first, but… Yeah, I remember now.
One – Oh, yeah?
Two – Paul, isn’t it?
One – Peter.
Two – That’s it. Peter. But didn’t we bump into each other again after that?
One – I gave you my number. But you never called.
Two – Oh, yeah?
One – You borrowed fifty euros off me. For a taxi.
Two – Right… I must’ve lost your number.
One – No doubt…
Two – Look, I can give it back now if you like.
One – Nah, keep it. It’s on me. I don’t need it anymore.
Two – You sure?
One – Keep the fifty… Have a drink on me. For old times’ sake.
Two – I’ll leave you my number. Maybe we could grab that drink together? My treat…
One – See you at the casting.
Two – See you…
Blackout.

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A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
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