One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – They just announced it on Facebook. Chinese scientists have finally discovered the ultimate secret of the universe.
Two – The ultimate secret of the universe?
One – You know! Where we come from, where we’re going, why there’s something rather than nothing…
Two – What?
One – The Big Bang, black holes, antimatter…!
Two – And?
One – Well, it turns out, none of that actually exists.
Two – Oh, really…
One – We are fictional characters in a gigantic video game, created by an artificial intelligence to entertain the children of a highly advanced civilisation.
Two – Chinese scientists…?
One – Yes, Chinese.
Two – On Facebook?
One – What difference does it make?
Two – None.
One – And that’s all it does to you?
Two – What?
One – This! Finding out we’re fictional characters in a video game. You don’t seem that surprised.
Two – I always suspected it.
One – You always suspected it?
Two – Yeah, I knew… Didn’t you?
One – No… And if you knew, why didn’t you tell me?
Two – I thought you knew.
One – Well, no, I didn’t.
Two – Well, now you know. So, what’s for dinner?
One – What’s for dinner?
Two – I’m starving. Aren’t you?
One – Doesn’t seem to kill your appetite, anyway.
Two – So? What are we eating?
One – After all that, I don’t feel like cooking. I’ll order Chinese.
Two – Fine…
One – But if we’re fictional characters, how can we even be hungry?
Two – Games are super realistic these days. Characters feel all kinds of stuff.
One – You think so?
Two – Look at prehistoric humans. A few tens of thousands of years ago, it was pretty basic. You were hungry, you killed a mammoth and ate it raw. You wanted company for dinner, you knocked a woman out and dragged her back to your cave by the hair. Now…
One – You get married, call Uber Eats, and order Chinese.
Two – We get updated regularly. As technology evolves, so does the game.
One – I never suspected any of this.
Two – Yet it’s pretty obvious.
One – Yeah…
Two – And how did the Chinese figure it out?
One – They noticed a glitch in the game.
Two – A glitch? What kind of glitch?
One – This one. At some point in the game, the characters realise they’re characters in a video game.
Two – Right. So I’m not the first one to figure it out.
One – No.
Two – And are they going to fix the glitch?
One – We don’t know…
Two – Now… is it really a glitch?
One – What do you mean?
Two – Maybe it’s part of the game.
One – I see… The characters themselves gain a kind of self-awareness and realise they were created by a higher power.
Two – Exactly…
One – And what about God in all this?
Two – Einstein said God does not play dice. He never said He doesn’t play video games.
Blackout.

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A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
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L’article The Secret of the Universe est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I just saw a unicorn go by.
Two – Are unicorns dangerous?
One – Not that I know of.
Two – Then there’s no reason to panic.
One – Yeah… Besides, it looked pretty skittish. It bolted as soon as it saw me.
Two – Maybe it had never seen a human before. The first time must be quite a shock.
One – Right. Imagine being told your whole life that humans don’t exist… and then suddenly seeing one.
Two – It must have freaked out.
One – Still… What was that unicorn doing here? Humans and unicorns aren’t supposed to meet, are they?
Two – No, it’s weird.
One – Yeah…
Two – Yesterday, at the beach, I saw a mermaid.
One – A mermaid?
Two – Not on the beach, lying on a towel… In the water!
One – How did you know it was a mermaid if it was in the water?
Two – I was scuba diving. I was chasing a squid, and suddenly, I came face to face with a mermaid.
One – She must have been surprised.
Two – Yes. Just like your unicorn.
One – And what did she say to you?
Two – Nothing. She looked at me with wide eyes and then swam away calmly.
One – That’s crazy.
Two – Yeah. These kinds of encounters are getting more common, aren’t they?
One – Must be climate change.
Two – Yesterday, in a bar, a guy told me he saw a dragon.
One – A dragon?
Two – I’m not sure if it’s true.
One – But a fire-breathing dragon?
Two – I didn’t think to ask.
One – Honestly, what kind of world are we living in?
Two – Yeah… You know, if a centaur or a harpy walked by right now, I don’t think I’d even flinch.
One – Harpies are still less rare than mermaids, aren’t they?
A pause.
Two – So, how was your trip to Rome?
One – Great. I even saw the Pope.
Two – You met the Pope?
One – No, he didn’t grant me a private audience. I saw him passing through the crowd on Saint Peter’s Square.
Two – That’s something… And what did he look like?
One – In a robe, with a skullcap on his head and a tube in his nose. In a sort of golf cart.
Two – Ah, yes.
One – I was incredibly lucky to visit the Vatican that day. The next day, he was dead.
Two – Oh yeah, quite the timing.
One – Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay for the funeral. With low-cost flights, the tickets can’t be changed.
Two – Miracles don’t happen that often.
One – Yeah… (A pause) Look, the unicorn just went by again…
Two – Maybe it’s starting to get used to us.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Chimeras est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – Donald Trump has just been elected President of the United States.
Two – Donald Trump? But I thought…
One – Donald Trump Junior.
Two – Right… So, here we go again.
One – I’ve always wondered why fools are so successful in politics. To the point of founding dynasties…
Two – The problem with fools is that most voters see themselves in them.
One – And fools have short memories.
Two – It’s true that Hitler didn’t leave a good impression, yet there are still Nazis today.
One – Trump Senior didn’t leave a great impression either. His son promised he’d learned from the past, but still…
Two – Dictators are like ayatollahs or popes: even when they call themselves progressive, there’s still plenty of room for progress.
One – Which probably explains why, throughout history, religions have always gotten along so well with dictatorships.
Two – When it’s not the religious leaders themselves who seize power to establish a theocracy.
One – Like in Iran or the Vatican.
Two – The Vatican is a theocracy?
One – Well… I think so, right?
Two – What else could the Vatican be, if not a theocracy?
One – I don’t know… A tax haven?
Two – Yeah. Actually, it already is one, isn’t it?
One – You think?
Two – Nobody pays taxes in the Vatican, do they?
One – So where does all that money come from?
Two – They’ve got a massive real estate portfolio around the world, and the Vatican Bank holds loads of financial assets.
One – I’m telling you, it’s a tax haven. They’re swimming in money, and poor people from all over the world still send them donations.
Two – You’re right… They’ve hit the jackpot. All they’re missing is a casino, a football club, and a golf course.
One – As for golf, the Pope already has the little cart.
Two – It’s true, a golf course or a football pitch in Saint Peter’s Square would be quite something…
One – In the past, the Church used to sell indulgences so the rich could go straight to Heaven despite their sins. Now the Pope could sell passports to his tax haven.
Two – Like the Prince of Monaco.
One – If I were the Prince of Monaco, I’d start a religion too. He already has the casino and the football club.
Two – And poor people from around the world would send him their savings.
One – That said, I’d rather be in the Prince of Monaco’s shoes than the Pope’s.
Two – Oh yeah…?
One – I’d rather marry Grace Kelly than spend my life in a dress.
A pause.
Two – Still, Donald Trump Junior… It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?
One – You know, in America, they already had Bush the son after Bush the father.
Two – In the name of the Father, the Son, and why not the Grandson. Might as well crown the King of Fools and bring back hereditary monarchy.
One – Yes… People are really taken for fools.
Two – But then again, aren’t people actually fools?
One – Anyway, that wouldn’t happen here.
Two – True. We’re not big fans of hereditary power.
One – Unfortunately, in politics, foolishness isn’t always passed down directly.
Two – Which is why, in the end, despite everything, we always end up ruled by the King of Fools.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The King of Fools est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – The Pope is dead.
Two – No way… But how old was he?
One – A hundred and two.
Two – You see? It’s always the best ones who go first.
One – Sorry?
Two – No, I mean… Sometimes it’s the worst who go last. Well… you know what I mean.
One – As they say up there: the first shall be last.
Two – We’ll miss him, you’ll see.
One – Yes, because there’s no telling what the next one will be like… You know what you’ve got, you don’t know what you’ll get.
Two – A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
One – He was a progressive Pope, though.
Two – He stood for world peace and love between men.
One – Yes, well… love between men…
Two – True, he was against gay marriage.
One – And against condoms, even to prevent AIDS.
Two – Against abortion, even in cases of rape or incest.
One – But still… He was a progressive Pope… compared to his predecessors.
Two – True, the Church has evolved on many issues.
One – It no longer burns witches at the stake.
Two – Yes… Nowadays, witches can move freely.
One – Or even start their own business.
Two – The Church has given up on crusades.
One – It no longer openly encourages religious wars.
Two – Even if religion remains the root of most of them.
One – The Church calls for a ceasefire in the Middle East.
Two – And has been for nearly a century. No result yet… but still…
One – It’s the thought that counts.
Two – They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
One – The Church has given up on Inquisition tribunals.
Two – Yes. Nowadays, a scientist can freely state that the Earth revolves around the sun without risking prison, like Galileo.
One – Isn’t that progress?
Two – Yes…
One – Actors are no longer excommunicated. They’re allowed to be buried in the cemetery.
Two – To think that Molière almost ended up in a mass grave. Without the intervention of King Louis XIV…
One – That’s progress too.
Two – And the Church has also evolved a lot regarding politics.
One – Yes. In the event of a coup d’état, the Church no longer automatically sides with the dictatorship. Like in Mussolini’s Italy, Franco’s Spain, Pinochet’s Chile, or Videla’s Argentina…
Two – It’s true that there are fewer coups nowadays, but still…
One – On social issues too…
Two – The Church still forbids the ordination of women and still enforces priestly celibacy, but…
One – It now discreetly reprimands priests who’ve abused minors.
Two – After the statute of limitations, but still… it’s a start.
One – And it generously offers compensation to victims… using the church collection.
Two – No, you can’t say the Church isn’t evolving, but…
One – You can’t say it’s ahead of its time either…
Two – No, you can’t say that either.
One – Let’s just say it’s only a century or two behind.
Two – Maybe after half a dozen progressive popes, it’ll finally catch up with modern times.
One – In any case, this one has just died.
Two – Let’s hope they don’t replace him with someone even more conservative, because at this rate…
One – Yeah, we’ll never get out of the woods.
Two – Can you imagine what it would be like after half a dozen traditionalist popes?
One – Even today, in the United States, some people claim that the Earth is flat and that the first humans lived alongside dinosaurs.
Two – Yes. If there’s a return to tradition, like in Poland, witches and doctors who perform abortions could be in real trouble.
One – They say there’s no smoke without fire… When it comes to witchcraft, for the Church, it’s more like no fire without smoke.
Two – In the meantime, we’ll just have to watch for the white smoke…
One – What, popes get cremated now?
Two – The white smoke! The one that announces the election of the new pope.
One – Ah, right… Let’s hope it’s another progressive pope.
Two – You mean an old, celibate, senile man, elected by a hundred other old men in robes… who will tell young women what they can’t do with their bodies?
One – Yeah, it’s not looking good…
Two – I’ll believe in the Church’s progressiveness the day the smoke is pink. To announce that the new pope is a woman.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Pink Smoke est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.