One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – Donald Trump has just been elected President of the United States.
Two – Donald Trump? But I thought…
One – Donald Trump Junior.
Two – Right… So, here we go again.
One – I’ve always wondered why fools are so successful in politics. To the point of founding dynasties…
Two – The problem with fools is that most voters see themselves in them.
One – And fools have short memories.
Two – It’s true that Hitler didn’t leave a good impression, yet there are still Nazis today.
One – Trump Senior didn’t leave a great impression either. His son promised he’d learned from the past, but still…
Two – Dictators are like ayatollahs or popes: even when they call themselves progressive, there’s still plenty of room for progress.
One – Which probably explains why, throughout history, religions have always gotten along so well with dictatorships.
Two – When it’s not the religious leaders themselves who seize power to establish a theocracy.
One – Like in Iran or the Vatican.
Two – The Vatican is a theocracy?
One – Well… I think so, right?
Two – What else could the Vatican be, if not a theocracy?
One – I don’t know… A tax haven?
Two – Yeah. Actually, it already is one, isn’t it?
One – You think?
Two – Nobody pays taxes in the Vatican, do they?
One – So where does all that money come from?
Two – They’ve got a massive real estate portfolio around the world, and the Vatican Bank holds loads of financial assets.
One – I’m telling you, it’s a tax haven. They’re swimming in money, and poor people from all over the world still send them donations.
Two – You’re right… They’ve hit the jackpot. All they’re missing is a casino, a football club, and a golf course.
One – As for golf, the Pope already has the little cart.
Two – It’s true, a golf course or a football pitch in Saint Peter’s Square would be quite something…
One – In the past, the Church used to sell indulgences so the rich could go straight to Heaven despite their sins. Now the Pope could sell passports to his tax haven.
Two – Like the Prince of Monaco.
One – If I were the Prince of Monaco, I’d start a religion too. He already has the casino and the football club.
Two – And poor people from around the world would send him their savings.
One – That said, I’d rather be in the Prince of Monaco’s shoes than the Pope’s.
Two – Oh yeah…?
One – I’d rather marry Grace Kelly than spend my life in a dress.
A pause.
Two – Still, Donald Trump Junior… It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?
One – You know, in America, they already had Bush the son after Bush the father.
Two – In the name of the Father, the Son, and why not the Grandson. Might as well crown the King of Fools and bring back hereditary monarchy.
One – Yes… People are really taken for fools.
Two – But then again, aren’t people actually fools?
One – Anyway, that wouldn’t happen here.
Two – True. We’re not big fans of hereditary power.
One – Unfortunately, in politics, foolishness isn’t always passed down directly.
Two – Which is why, in the end, despite everything, we always end up ruled by the King of Fools.
Blackout.

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A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
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L’article The King of Fools est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – They just announced on the radio that a spacecraft of unknown origin has entered Earth’s orbit.
Two – When you say unknown origin, do you mean they don’t know which country launched it?
One – Apparently, it’s more that they don’t know which planet it came from…
Two – No way?
One – That’s what they said on the radio.
Two – Are they sure?
One – It’s a craft the size of the Eiffel Tower. No country on Earth can launch something that big into space.
Two – The Eiffel Tower? You’re kidding…
One – The size of the Eiffel Tower! I didn’t say it looked like the Eiffel Tower.
Two – Oh, right… Because a UFO shaped like the Eiffel Tower orbiting Earth…
One – So, it doesn’t surprise you that much?
Two – Yes, yes, of course… It’s crazy… Did they say anything?
One – Who?
Two – Well, the Martians… I mean, the aliens.
One – Not yet. We’re still waiting for them to make contact.
Two – Damn… So what do we do?
One – What do you mean, what do we do? What do you expect us to do?
Two – I don’t know…
One – Apart from waiting…
Two – Maybe we should go get some groceries.
One – Groceries? Aliens are landing, and you feel like going shopping!
Two – I’m not talking about shopping! I mean stocking up. Filling the fridge. Taking some cash out.
One – You think?
Two – I don’t know. It’s what our great-grandparents did when they saw the Germans coming, I guess. You’ve got to do something…
One – If everyone does like us, there’s going to be panic.
Two – Yes… But if we don’t do like everyone else, tomorrow we’ll have nothing to eat.
One – What do you think they want?
Two – How should I know? Maybe the same thing Christopher Columbus wanted when he landed in America.
One – That’s not very reassuring.
Two – You think?
One – The Spaniards exterminated the Native Americans and forced the few survivors to convert to Catholicism.
Two – You think these aliens will force us to convert to their own religion?
One – If their civilisation is advanced enough to get here, I imagine they’ve moved past that nonsense.
Two – Yeah…
One – But as for exterminating us and taking our place… unfortunately, that’s a real possibility.
Two – Unless they enslave us, like white people did to Africans.
One – Or put us in cages to fatten us up and eat us, like we did with the descendants of the dinosaurs.
Two – The descendants of the dinosaurs?
One – Chickens!
Two – Chickens are the descendants of dinosaurs?
One – You didn’t know?
Two – No.
One – Or they could put us in zoos so their kids can throw peanuts at us on Sundays.
Two – In the end, everything that aliens could do to humans, humans have already done to other humans.
One – Or to animals.
Two – Yeah… If they’re really that smart, we’re in trouble if they see us as just not very evolved social animals.
One – Like how we see bees.
Two – Except we don’t make honey.
One – No, we’re more the kind to saw off the branch we’re sitting on.
Two – Like termites, eating through the beams until the roof collapses on them.
One – You’re right. I think we’ll go get some supplies to fill the freezer.
Two – Yeah, wouldn’t surprise me if we end up in another lockdown.
One – Let’s get some toilet paper too, just in case.
Two – You’re right. If we’re going to get eaten by aliens, we might as well have clean bums…
One – I’ll go get my credit card…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Invasion est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – The Pope is dead.
Two – No way… But how old was he?
One – A hundred and two.
Two – You see? It’s always the best ones who go first.
One – Sorry?
Two – No, I mean… Sometimes it’s the worst who go last. Well… you know what I mean.
One – As they say up there: the first shall be last.
Two – We’ll miss him, you’ll see.
One – Yes, because there’s no telling what the next one will be like… You know what you’ve got, you don’t know what you’ll get.
Two – A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
One – He was a progressive Pope, though.
Two – He stood for world peace and love between men.
One – Yes, well… love between men…
Two – True, he was against gay marriage.
One – And against condoms, even to prevent AIDS.
Two – Against abortion, even in cases of rape or incest.
One – But still… He was a progressive Pope… compared to his predecessors.
Two – True, the Church has evolved on many issues.
One – It no longer burns witches at the stake.
Two – Yes… Nowadays, witches can move freely.
One – Or even start their own business.
Two – The Church has given up on crusades.
One – It no longer openly encourages religious wars.
Two – Even if religion remains the root of most of them.
One – The Church calls for a ceasefire in the Middle East.
Two – And has been for nearly a century. No result yet… but still…
One – It’s the thought that counts.
Two – They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
One – The Church has given up on Inquisition tribunals.
Two – Yes. Nowadays, a scientist can freely state that the Earth revolves around the sun without risking prison, like Galileo.
One – Isn’t that progress?
Two – Yes…
One – Actors are no longer excommunicated. They’re allowed to be buried in the cemetery.
Two – To think that Molière almost ended up in a mass grave. Without the intervention of King Louis XIV…
One – That’s progress too.
Two – And the Church has also evolved a lot regarding politics.
One – Yes. In the event of a coup d’état, the Church no longer automatically sides with the dictatorship. Like in Mussolini’s Italy, Franco’s Spain, Pinochet’s Chile, or Videla’s Argentina…
Two – It’s true that there are fewer coups nowadays, but still…
One – On social issues too…
Two – The Church still forbids the ordination of women and still enforces priestly celibacy, but…
One – It now discreetly reprimands priests who’ve abused minors.
Two – After the statute of limitations, but still… it’s a start.
One – And it generously offers compensation to victims… using the church collection.
Two – No, you can’t say the Church isn’t evolving, but…
One – You can’t say it’s ahead of its time either…
Two – No, you can’t say that either.
One – Let’s just say it’s only a century or two behind.
Two – Maybe after half a dozen progressive popes, it’ll finally catch up with modern times.
One – In any case, this one has just died.
Two – Let’s hope they don’t replace him with someone even more conservative, because at this rate…
One – Yeah, we’ll never get out of the woods.
Two – Can you imagine what it would be like after half a dozen traditionalist popes?
One – Even today, in the United States, some people claim that the Earth is flat and that the first humans lived alongside dinosaurs.
Two – Yes. If there’s a return to tradition, like in Poland, witches and doctors who perform abortions could be in real trouble.
One – They say there’s no smoke without fire… When it comes to witchcraft, for the Church, it’s more like no fire without smoke.
Two – In the meantime, we’ll just have to watch for the white smoke…
One – What, popes get cremated now?
Two – The white smoke! The one that announces the election of the new pope.
One – Ah, right… Let’s hope it’s another progressive pope.
Two – You mean an old, celibate, senile man, elected by a hundred other old men in robes… who will tell young women what they can’t do with their bodies?
One – Yeah, it’s not looking good…
Two – I’ll believe in the Church’s progressiveness the day the smoke is pink. To announce that the new pope is a woman.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Pink Smoke est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.