One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I just ran into Mr. Martin at the convenience store.
Two – Mr. Martin? But that’s impossible! We buried him last week…
One – That’s why I asked you not to panic. But I have to admit, it was a shock when I saw him.
Two – Are you sure it was him?
One – He waved at me from a distance. But it was definitely him, I swear! I saw him as clearly as I see you now!
Two – Did he say anything?
One – I was so petrified. I didn’t dare go closer.
Two – He couldn’t have come back from the dead.
One – Especially since he was cremated.
Two – Yes… Cremation makes bodily resurrection a lot less likely.
One – Imagine if they had cremated Jesus Christ after the crucifixion.
Two – Rising from the tomb three days later would’ve been a lot less convincing.
One – Can you picture Jesus Christ emerging from his urn…?
Two – Like a genie coming out of a bottle.
One – Yeah, it would have given Christianity a more oriental flair.
Two – I’m not sure the story would have been quite as successful.
One – Anyway, that’s not the point.
Two – So what is the point, exactly?
One – Mr. Martin was cremated, and I just saw him in the frozen food aisle at the convenience store! That’s the point.
Two – It can’t be a miracle. Why would God, if he exists, resurrect Mr. Martin?
One – Yeah, especially since he wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.
Two – You could even say he was a bit of an idiot.
One – And nobody else in the store seemed surprised?
Two – I even heard the cashier say, “Hello, Mr. Martin, how are you today?”
One – In that case, I see only one solution. Mr. Martin isn’t dead.
Two – Not dead? But then… whose funeral did we attend last week?
One – Who knows.
Two – Yet we did receive a death notice, didn’t we?
One – Yes.
Two – Where is that notice?
One – Well… I didn’t keep it. I mean, if I kept every notice I got…
Two – At our age, we are getting more and more of them, aren’t we?
One – Mostly death notices.
Two – So, Mr. Martin isn’t dead.
One – Apparently not.
Two – But then who did die?
One – No idea.
Two – Can you believe it? Someone we know died, we went to their funeral, and we don’t even know who it was.
One – Yes. Someone close enough to us for us to receive a notice.
Two – And since you didn’t keep the notice, there’s no way to find out who it was?
One – That’s really awkward… Imagine bumping into the downstairs neighbour and asking how her husband is doing. Only to realise we attended his funeral a week ago.
Two – And since he was cremated, we can’t even go check the name on the grave.
One – Yeah… I’ve heard of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, but this…
Two – We know the deceased is someone we know, but we have no idea who…
One – Anyway, it’s not Mr. Martin. I definitely saw him at the convenience store.
Two – We’ll just have to make a list of everyone we meet. Eventually, the one we never see again will probably be the one who died.
One – Let’s do that…
Two – We might as well start now. Who else did you see at the convenience store?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Resurrection est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – As if I were the panicky type.
One – Your shoelace is undone.
Two – Oh my God! That was a close one…
One – Yeah, you could have killed yourself.
Two – I step on it with the other foot, trip, fall onto the tracks, and the train runs me over.
One – Luckily, we’re in our living room, but still…
Two – Basically, you saved my life.
One – “Saved your life” might be a stretch, but… Yeah, you could say that.
Two – No, no, you deserve a medal.
One – Maybe not the Legion of Honour, but…
Two – Some people have gotten it for less.
One – Corrupt politicians, drug lords, paedophile priests…
Two – At least we haven’t hurt anyone.
One – We’re not heroes, but… that’s only because the opportunity never came up.
Two – We just didn’t get lucky, that’s all.
One – We were born in peacetime. What could we possibly resist?
Two – We’ve resisted bad weather.
One – We’ve resisted temptation, sometimes.
Two – You’re right, we are heroes, we just haven’t had the chance to prove it.
One – What we need is a good war. Then the whole world would see who we really are.
A pause.
Two – If I fell into the water, would you dive in to pull me to shore?
One – I can’t swim.
Two – Yeah. Better not, then.
One – And you can swim, right?
Two – Yeah.
One – Imagine… You fall in, I dive in to save you, and you end up dragging me back to shore.
Two – Yeah, that’d be stupid.
A pause.
One – But I did still tell you your shoelace was undone.
Two – Yeah.
One – You should really tie that damn lace. Because if I warn you, and you don’t do anything…
Two – You’re right, I need to. But I can’t bend down.
One – I’d tie it for you, but… I can’t bend down either.
Two – I wonder if it’s already too late for us.
One – Too late?
Two – To become heroes!
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Heroes est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) face each other. They remain silent for a moment.
One – I’m afraid it’s time for us to say goodbye…
Two – Oh, let’s not get sentimental. We both knew this moment would come.
One – Still, it means something to me.
Two – You’ll forget me soon enough, you’ll see.
One – Your bust is in the Musée Grévin – how could I possibly forget you?
Two – There are plenty of museums in Paris. Just avoid that one. Who goes to the Musée Grévin nowadays anyway? Tourists, maybe…
One – Paris has become one big open-air wax museum, filled with dusty monuments and waxy-faced extras.
Two – There aren’t even any real Parisians left. They’ve all sold their flats and turned them into Airbnbs.
One – Paris is no longer a party… Now it’s just a backdrop for selfies.
Two – Shall we take one last selfie?
One – Alright…
They turn their backs to the audience to take a selfie.
Voice off – And… cut! That was the final scene of Jean-Paul Ramirez.
Applause.
Two – Thank you.
One – I heard this was your final film too.
Two – You have to know when to stop. Better not to do that one film too many.
One – Not everyone has your wisdom, sadly.
Two – I’ve spent most of my life in front of a camera. I’d like to have a bit of time to experience life too.
One – You might be disappointed. You know what Alfred Hitchcock said…
Two – “Cinema is life with the boring bits cut out.”
One – For the audience, maybe. But for us actors…
Two – True. To make a two-hour film, the editor sometimes watches over a hundred hours of rushes. And cuts everything that doesn’t move the story forward.
One – But we still had to shoot those hundred hours.
Two – Not to mention all the time we spend waiting around between scenes.
One – You know Marilyn Monroe used to knit between takes?
Two – I think that was Brigitte Bardot.
One – Oh yes, maybe…
Two – I believe Marilyn Monroe did crosswords.
One – Marilyn Monroe…?
Two – Or Liz Taylor, I’m not sure anymore.
One – Anyway, all actors get bored stiff between takes.
Two – Yes.
One – And let’s not even talk about the time we spend waiting between films.
Two – I once went two years without working.
One – Two years waiting for the phone to ring.
A pause.
Two – I heard that in wildlife documentaries, they sometimes shoot 500 hours for one hour of footage.
One – Poor animals.
Two – Do you think they’re asked to do multiple takes?
One – Anyway, for you, it’s over now.
Two – Yes… Time for me to reflect on all those scenes that were cut in editing. The ones that make up most of my cinematic career.
One – In other words, you’re going to be bored out of your mind.
Two – Thank you for your kind words.
A pause.
One – The film’s over, isn’t it?
Two – Then what exactly are we waiting for?
One – Nothing…
Two – Habit…
They prepare to leave.
Voice off – I’m really sorry, but we’ve had a slight technical issue.
One – Right…
Two – So…?
Voice off – We’re going to have to do it again.
One – Well then — looks like retirement’s not quite here yet after all.
Voice off – Whenever you’re ready…
Two – I’m ready.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
One – I’m afraid it’s time for us to say goodbye…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Final Cut est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.