Two characters (men or women) are there, looking perplexed.
One – Do you think we were any good tonight?
Two – They clapped, didn’t they?
One – Yes… half-heartedly…
Two – True. A far cry from a standing ovation.
One – The audience got up as one at the end, but… mostly just to leave faster.
Two – There wasn’t even a curtain call.
One – True. We came back on stage anyway, but no one applauded.
Two – They were too busy grabbing their coats or climbing over stragglers to get out.
One – If the place had been on fire, they couldn’t have left faster.
Two – Maybe we shouldn’t have come back on.
One – That fake curtain call was a bit pathetic, to be honest. There we were, bowing like a pair of idiots, while no one was even looking.
A pause.
Two – Did you notice? During the play, they didn’t laugh at the bits where they were supposed to.
One – Yeah. And sometimes they laughed when nothing was funny.
Two – Some nights, the audience just has no talent.
One – Last night’s were better, weren’t they?
Two – Yes, more responsive.
One – Tonight’s lot must’ve come in from the suburbs.
Two – I’d say far-out suburbs.
One – That’s probably why they were in such a rush to leave. Didn’t want to miss the last train.
Two – No, they were truly dreadful tonight.
One – We should be allowed to choose our audience.
Two – The audience gets to choose what they come and see, so why can’t we choose who gets to see us?
One – Although… we can’t exactly interview every potential spectator before selling them a ticket. We’d never get through them all.
Two – True. And as it is, not that many people come to the theatre these days.
One – Yeah, we can’t afford to be picky. We take what we get.
A pause.
Two – Still, I thought they had a certain attentiveness about them, didn’t you?
One – Yes. They didn’t react much, but you could feel… an attentiveness.
Two – Just because people don’t laugh out loud at every line doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy the play.
One – Some people are just quieter than others.
Two – And the fewer of them there are, the quieter they seem.
One – Yeah. And there were only about twenty of them.
Two – Seventeen, I think…
One – Well, they were very quiet.
Two –That must be it. They found it funny — they just didn’t want to laugh out loud. Out of politeness.
One – You’re right. Maybe they loved it, actually.
Two – Yeah. But still, there was no curtain call.
One – No.
Two – And no applause when we came back out anyway.
One – Maybe they didn’t see us.
Two – Maybe they didn’t want to keep us.
One – In case we had a train to catch.
Two – Actually, that’s true – we’d better not hang about or we’ll miss ours.
One – We live in the suburbs too, after all.
Two – What actor can afford to live in the city centre these days?
One – In the end, all these suburbanites – they’re our audience.
Two – At the very least, they’re our neighbours.
One – I think I even recognised one or two.
Two – Nice of them to come.
A pause.
One – Do you think one day we’ll be replaced by artificial intelligence?
Two – Who knows… AI’s already replaced subtitlers, then voice-over artists – why not actors next?
One – And the day after that… the audience.
Two – Might actually make them more intelligent.
One – And we’ll be out of a job.
Two – Robots performing a play in front of other robots.
One – Do you think they’ll laugh?
Two – If it’s robot humour.
One – What does a robot find funny?
Two – Replacing us, probably. That ought to give them a good laugh.
Blackout.

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A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

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