Two characters (men or women) are there, waiting for something.
One – You don’t look well. Got stage fright?
Two – No, I’ve gone blank…
One – What do you mean, blank? Memory lapse? We haven’t even started yet…
Two – I can’t remember which play we’re supposed to be doing.
One – It’s Sunday. Don’t we do Hamlet on Sundays?
Two – Yes, but we do two shows on Sundays. Matinee and evening. Hamlet and A Streetcar Named Desire.
One – Matinee’s Hamlet, evening is Streetcar, right?
Two – That’s just it, I’m not sure anymore.
One – Well now I’m doubting it too.
Two – We’re doing so many plays. I’m in thirteen at the moment.
One – I’m in fifteen.
Two – And we know all the lines, down to a T.
One – It’s just that, right now, I’ve got no idea which one we’re meant to be doing.
Two – Hamlet, or not Hamlet?
One – That is the question.
Two – What time is it exactly?
One – No idea. I had a quick nap and my watch stopped.
Two – I left mine at home.
One – But are we doing the matinee or the evening show?
Two – Not a clue… I haven’t seen daylight in ages.
One – If it’s the evening show, we must have already done one. We should know which.
Two – I’m doing three a day at the moment. One at 3pm, one at 7, and one at 10.
One – Same here. I even do a children’s show at 10 in the morning.
We hear the bell that signals to the actors they’ll be going onstage shortly.
Two – Too late to ask what play we’re doing now. Did you hear the bell? We’re on in one minute.
One – But the audience… they know what they came to see.
Two – Of course. So what do we do?
One – Here’s my suggestion. We go on. We do the first two lines of Hamlet, and watch the audience’s faces. If they look surprised, we switch to Streetcar.
Two – You think…?
One – Let’s give it a shot.
Two – OK.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
A pause.
One – They look surprised, don’t they?
Two – OK. Let’s switch to A Streetcar Named Desire…
One – Let’s go back to the beginning and pick it up from there, alright?
Two – OK.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
One – Hey there, Stella, baby!
Two – Don’t holler at me like that. Hi, Mitch.
A pause.
One – Yeah, it flows quite well.
Two – It could work.
One – And if they still look surprised?
Two – I don’t know.
One – We could alternate the lines.
Two – Alternate the lines?
One – One line from Hamlet, one line from Streetcar, and so on.
Two – We can try.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Hey there, Stella, baby!
One – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
Two – Don’t holler at me like that. Hi, Mitch.
A pause.
Two – Yeah… But the play’s going to be twice as long.
One – Two plays for the price of one. Who’s going to complain?
Two – True.
One – And in the evening?
Two – Same thing, but we start with the other play.
One – That’ll probably give a whole new meaning to both masterpieces.
Two – We’ve just invented the theatrical exquisite corpse, haven’t we?
The bell rings again.
One – This time, we’ve got to go.
Two – So we’re starting with A Streetcar Named Desire…
One – Didn’t we say Hamlet…?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Exquisite Corpse est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are present. They remain silent for a moment.
One – I’ve got a bad feeling about this love scene.
Two – Who’s it with?
One – Fred.
Two – Ah, yes…
A pause.
One – Have you worked with him before?
Two – Yes…
One – And you didn’t notice anything?
Two – Well, yes…
One – He’s got terrible breath.
Two – No doubt about it.
One – How can someone’s breath be that bad?
Two – It’s like a jackal’s breath, honestly.
One – Even if you never brushed your teeth, could it really smell that bad?
Two – Must be some kind of liver problem. I can’t think of any other explanation.
One – And of course, no one dares say anything.
Two – Bit awkward, isn’t it?
One – Do you think he knows?
Two – Knows what?
One – That he stinks!
Two – No idea…
One – Maybe not.
Two – Maybe when you’ve got bad breath, you can’t smell it yourself.
One – Yeah… telling him might actually be doing him a favour.
Two – At the very least, it’d be a favour to everyone else.
One – His co-stars, for starters.
A pause.
Two – What if we had bad breath too, and no one’s ever dared to tell us?
One – Now that’s a worrying thought.
Two – If I had bad breath, would you tell me?
One – Not sure…
Two – That’s a bit scary, isn’t it?
One – Don’t worry, I’ve never noticed anything.
Two – OK…
One – Maybe you spit a little when you talk, that’s all.
Two – I spit?
One – I said a little.
Two – Well… thanks for telling me. I’ll try to be more careful.
One – OK… (Pause) And what about me?
Two – What?
One – Do I spit?
Two – I haven’t noticed…
One – OK… But have you noticed anything else?
Two – Not really.
One – OK.
Two – I think I heard you fart once or twice.
One – Oh, that… Well, it’s not always easy to control.
Two – I know, but… in the middle of a scene, during filming, it can really throw your scene partner off, you know?
One – I get it… When was the last time?
Two – This morning… In that scene we did together.
One – Ah, yes…
Two – You tell me you’ve seen the Virgin Mary at the back of a cave. And right after the word “cave”, you let one rip.
One – I see…
Two – It’s not easy to keep going after that.
One – I’m really sorry.
Two – It was pretty funny, to be fair, but still…
One – Yeah…
Two – You didn’t do it on purpose, did you?
One – I did.
Two – I thought as much.
One – That scene was so ridiculous. I just couldn’t help myself.
Two – The Virgin…
One – In a cave… I mean, come on.
Two – If you’d seen her at the bottom of a sake glass in a Chinese restaurant, that would’ve been funny.
One – How do screenwriters still come up with crap like that in the 21st century?
Two – It’s telly. They write whatever they’re told to…
One – I wonder who still watches TV. I mean proper national channels.
Two – Old people.
One – And when all the old people are dead?
Two – We’ll be dead too.
One – This little chat’s really cheered me up. Just before I go and snog a bloke with the breath of a camel.
Two – Yeah… We don’t have an easy job, do we?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Screen Kiss est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.