Two characters (men or women) are there, seemingly waiting. They remain silent for a moment.
One – Bloody hell, it’s dragging on.
Two – Yeah.
One – How long have we been waiting?
Two – No idea. They told us to be on set for eight… (checks watch) It’s eleven.
One – Three hours! And we haven’t even done a single take.
Two – You’d think three hours would be enough time to get ready.
One – Or they could just have told us to come at noon.
Two – Filmmaking would be a lovely job if it weren’t for the crew…
One – Maybe we should go and ask what’s going on…
Two – Honestly, I wouldn’t.
One – True, they’re ridiculously touchy. You can’t say anything without it sounding like some diva tantrum from a spoiled actor.
Two – So we just have to shut up and wait.
One – Still, at the end of the day, we’re the ones people see on screen.
Two – I sometimes wonder if that’s what they’re punishing us for – waking us up at dawn just to leave us hanging around in a draughty corridor for hours while they get on with their work.
One – If only we could actually see them.
Two – Yeah, it’s been ages since they showed their faces. I wonder what they’re even doing.
One – Probably having a snack. You know, workers start early, so by eleven they’re starving…
Two – They say actors are complicated, but truth is, actors spend far more time waiting for the crew than the other way round.
A pause.
One – Actually, I’m getting seriously hungry, aren’t you?
Two – Yeah…
One – There’s food on the table over there. Surely it’s not just for the crew?
Two – No, but… it’s all cold meats and cheese.
One – So?
Two – I’m vegan.
One – Oh, bugger…
Two – Yep… The crew chooses the menu too. And workers eat cold meats.
A pause.
One – Can I ask you something?
Two – You see, this is what I dread most about standing around on set for hours before the director finally decides to call “action”…
One – What?
Two – It always ends with existential questions.
One – Sorry…
Two – Go on, ask your question.
One – When you play a role, do you actually become the character in your head, or do you just say the lines and pose while thinking about what you’ll have for lunch?
Two – OK, so… Stanislavski or Brecht, is that it?
One – Um… yeah, if you like…
Two – I’m more of a Diderot type, you know.
One – Diderot?
Two – The Paradox of the Actor, haven’t you read it?
One – No.
Two – According to Diderot, an actor shouldn’t identify with the character they’re playing. Their job isn’t to feel the emotions, but to make the audience feel them.
One – Right…
Two – So if you’re playing anger, you don’t need to be angry. You just convincingly replicate the signs of anger.
One – Got it.
Two – Basically the opposite of the Method, or Actors Studio, if you prefer.
One – I see.
Two – Do you, though?
One – Yeah, yeah, it’s… it’s clear.
Two – You know that scene in Taxi Driver, when De Niro’s practising being tough in front of the mirror?
One – You talkin’ to me?
Two – Well, in that scene, De Niro – or rather his character – is trying to imitate anger, to look tough for an imaginary threat.
One – But De Niro trained at the Actors Studio, didn’t he?
Two – He did, but in that particular scene, De Niro is playing a character who is himself trying – badly – to act. It’s a kind of mise en abyme. When he’s playing the taxi driver, he uses the Method. But when the character tries to play a hard man, he’s copying a cliché of what a hard man looks like.
One – And that’s not a bad thing?
Two – Not if it’s done with intention. But if it’s just laughably over the top, yes. Still, you can absolutely act angry without being angry. It’s often more convincing. And it’s definitely less exhausting in the long run.
One – That’s true…
Two – And you? Are you more Method, or more Diderot?
One – Me, I’m completely into the role. I am the character, you know? I don’t act the part — I am the part.
Two – Right…
One – You don’t think that’s the right approach?
Two – No, no, I mean… why not. But… it does worry me a little. Since in the scene we’re about to film together, you’re playing a violent copper and I’m the poor sod he’s interrogating…
One – Ah, I think it’s our turn now.
Two – Well… maybe just try to keep a bit of distance from your character, yeah? (The other, already deep into the role, doesn’t seem to hear.) Are you listening to me?
One – You talkin’ to me?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article You talkin’ to me? est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character (man or woman) is there. Another (also gender-neutral) arrives.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
One – Was something wrong?
Voice off – He’s asking if something was wrong…
Two – Oui, qu’est-ce qui ne va pas ?
Voice off – What’s wrong is that one of you is dubbed, and the other’s in original version.
One – In original version?
Voice off – Without subtitles, too! That’s what’s wrong!
One – That’s right. I didn’t even notice…
Two – Moi non plus.
One – Well, I guess we’ll have to do it again, then.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The second character goes to fetch a pile of cards. They replay the same scene with the same lines, but this time the one speaking in French shows cards with English subtitles as they speak. The other continues to speak in English but with a heavy French accent.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
One – What now?
Voice off – He’s subtitled, OK, but you’re still speaking in English!
One – He still speaks English?
Two – Vous êtes sûr?
Voice off – Yes, with an French accent, fine, but it’s still English.
One – OK… Let’s do it again, then.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
Now the one speaking in English also goes to get a pile of cards. They replay the same scene once again with the same lines, but this time the one speaking English (with an French accent) displays French subtitles.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
Two – Was it alright this time?
Voice off – What?
One – Was it OK this time?
Voice off – Yeah, it’ll do… We’re not spending all night on it…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Original Version est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are facing each other.
One – Thank you for welcoming us into your home. I know how keen you usually are to protect your private life. And thank you for granting this interview to our magazine, Celebrity Secrets.
Two – My pleasure…
One – My first question is actually about the press. You’ve often criticised gossip journalists, comparing them to vultures feeding on the misery of the famous, while violating their privacy.
Two – Even if that’s a bit of an exaggeration, I do think actors should be known for the films they’ve made — not for the more or less sordid details of their private lives, which, frankly, no one’s really interested in.
One – Don’t be so modest. Our magazine has millions of readers. It seems the private lives of stars fascinate far more people than you might think.
Two – I hate talking about myself. And I’ve never shared most actors’ fondness for exhibitionism. But I understand that sometimes you have to make a few concessions to modesty to satisfy public curiosity.
One – Of course…
Two – I give very few interviews, in fact.
One – Indeed… That’s exactly what you told us when we met less than a month ago – on the occasion of your third wedding. To a colleague from broadcast journalism, no less…
Two – Alas, we’re already in the process of divorcing.
One – I’m sure we’ll have the chance to talk about it again very soon.
Two – It’s a painful subject for me, but… with pleasure.
One – Let’s turn to the main topic of today’s interview – the release of your much-anticipated autobiography, modestly titled… My Life.
Two – My publisher wanted to call it Behind the Glitter. But I preferred something a little less sensational.
One – That’s actually the subtitle of this six-hundred-page masterpiece.
Two – As I said… sometimes you have to compromise.
One – Without giving too much away, you do touch on your intimate life — with a few celebrities who, for a time, shared your bed… Sorry, I mean your life. And there are quite a few. No one is spared…
Two – It feels rather indecent to talk about one’s love life. But if I was going to do it, I owed my readers the truth — at the very least.
One – We learn, for instance, that your last wife had one leg shorter than the other, and wore orthopaedic insoles to compensate…
Two – It’s important to show people that stars are just like anyone else. Behind the polished images spread by the media are ordinary human beings, with the same flaws as the rest. You know, before they were worshipped as icons, stars were just regular people…
One – Apparently, your wife didn’t appreciate being unwillingly turned into a poster child for imperfection, and filed for divorce shortly after that revelation.
Two – Stars are fragile people. They need to be loved. And to be loved, they think they must hide every single flaw. But in truth, it’s only by revealing your imperfections that you can truly connect with your audience.
One – And yet, in this book, you don’t go into much detail about your own weaknesses.
Two – Out of modesty, believe me.
One – I believe your ex-wife is now preparing her own autobiography. Perhaps, out of respect for your modesty, she’ll take it upon herself to reveal the flaws that will help your audience relate to you more deeply.
Two – Perhaps…
One – To finish, I’d like to ask you a slightly cheeky question.
Two – Be my guest…
One – It’s well known that most celebrities who publish memoirs hire ghostwriters. Did you actually write this autobiography yourself?
Two – If I didn’t know you, I’d take that as an insult… Was there anything in the book that made you doubt I was the author?
One – Not in the book, no. But I happen to know the journalist who actually wrote it very well. I even have his contract in my pocket… Even he did sign it under a pseudonym.
Two – Really… And who do you think that journalist might be?
One – Me.
Two – In that case, congratulations. It’s a very well-written book — I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I even discovered a few anecdotes about my life I didn’t know myself, and which — after checking — turned out to be perfectly true.
One – Thank you for giving us this interview.
Two – Thank you.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Celebrity Secrets est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.