One character (man or woman) is there. Another arrives (also gender-neutral).
One – Hi!
Two – Hi…
One – You’re here for the casting?
Two – Yes.
One – It’s a great part, isn’t it?
Two – Yes.
One – The kind of role that could really reignite a career…
Two – Reignite…? Are you saying that about me?
One – Haven’t seen you on screen in a while, have we?
Two – I’ve mostly been doing theatre lately.
One – And ads! That’s right, I saw you in that commercial for stairlifts.
Two – It was for hearing aids.
One – Ah, right. Maybe.
Two – Yeah.
A pause.
One – You really don’t remember me?
Two – Should I?
One – We went to the same casting once. Years ago. We were young then.
Two – Oh, yeah?
One – It was for a TV drama. About a bastard who kills his wife for the life insurance, and frames his best mate for the murder.
Two – Oh right. Yes.
One – You got the part. You must’ve been more convincing than me at playing a bastard.
Two – Yeah.
One – That was the role that launched your career.
Two – It’s true.
One – Funny how things turn out, isn’t it?
Two – What do you mean?
One – Back then, if I’d got the part instead of you… I might be the star today.
Two – Maybe…
One – A bit of a has-been star, but still.
Two – Thanks… But you know, I don’t really believe in luck.
One – No?
Two – Maybe I just had more talent than you. Even back then. That’s all.
One – Yeah… Or maybe you were sleeping with the producer.
The other takes the hit.
Two – So… you’re here to audition for the lead as well?
One – No.
Two – Supporting role, then?
One – Nope.
Two – Extra?
One – I’m the producer.
The other reels again.
Two – Oh, really?
One – Since I never managed to sleep with a producer to get parts, I decided to become one.
Two – I see…
One – I didn’t have the looks to pull it off.
Two – Right.
One – But don’t worry – I don’t expect actors to sleep with me to get a part.
Two – Good to know.
One – I only cast people with talent, you see.
Two – I see.
One – Though I’m not sure how reassuring that is… for you.
Two – Yeah… I didn’t recognise you at first, but… Yeah, I remember now.
One – Oh, yeah?
Two – Paul, isn’t it?
One – Peter.
Two – That’s it. Peter. But didn’t we bump into each other again after that?
One – I gave you my number. But you never called.
Two – Oh, yeah?
One – You borrowed fifty euros off me. For a taxi.
Two – Right… I must’ve lost your number.
One – No doubt…
Two – Look, I can give it back now if you like.
One – Nah, keep it. It’s on me. I don’t need it anymore.
Two – You sure?
One – Keep the fifty… Have a drink on me. For old times’ sake.
Two – I’ll leave you my number. Maybe we could grab that drink together? My treat…
One – See you at the casting.
Two – See you…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Payback est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character (man or woman) dressed in bright colours is there, seemingly waiting for something or someone. Another character (also gender-neutral), dressed in black, arrives carrying a rucksack and a folding chair. They speak to the first.
Two – Is this the place for extras?
One – Yes. Well, I was told to wait here…
Two – OK.
They unfold their chair and sit down. Then they take a thermos of coffee and a foil-wrapped sandwich out of their rucksack. They unwrap the sandwich and start eating. The other watches with curiosity.
One – I’m guessing this isn’t your first time as an extra.
Two – I’ve done this all my life. My parents signed me up to a casting website at birth, to play premature babies.
One – Premature?
Two – I was born three months early.
One – Do they really cast premature babies as extras?
Two – It’s rare… But then again, there’s not much competition.
One – Got your foot in the door, I suppose.
Two – Then I did adverts for nappies, then cereals, acne creams, mortgages, cosmetic surgery, hearing aids, stairlifts, incontinence pads…
One – From nappies to incontinence pads… now that’s what you call coming full circle.
Two – I’ve just done an ad for funeral plans.
One – Smart move… I guess you have to adapt in this business if you want a long career.
Two – I do telly and film as well, of course.
One – Still as an extra?
Two – Background artist, as they say. I’ve done a few voiceovers too. But yes – either you see me, or you hear me. Never both at once.
One – And you’ve never tried to be an actor? I mean, a real actor… Playing a role, speaking lines… You know, an actor.
Two – I did, at first. Went to a few auditions. Never got picked. Guess my voice doesn’t match my face. So I gave up. Being a proper actor, you know, it’s not all good.
One – Oh really?
Two – Once people see and hear you – at the same time, I mean – they start to recognise you, obviously.
One – And for you, that’s a bad thing…?
Two – The trouble is, you get typecast. Stuck with the same sort of role forever.
One – I see…
Two – In all the crime dramas, you play the forensic pathologist, for example. It’s good to start with – regular work and all that.
One – But after a while, the audience gets bored…
Two – And then no one hires you.
One – Casting directors have no imagination.
Two – Me, you usually only see from the back, or in profile. So naturally, no one recognises me.
One – At least people don’t bother you in restaurants asking for autographs.
Two – Even my building manager doesn’t recognise me. And I give her a Christmas bonus every year. You didn’t recognise me either, for that matter…
One – Have we met?
Two – We crossed paths on the set of that new police drama.
One – Oh yes… The one where that famous weather presenter plays the blind detective.
Two – Blind, but clairvoyant.
One – And you were the forensic pathologist?
Two – I was the bloke the forensic pathologist was autopsying.
One – Sorry, I don’t remember you…
Two – What did I tell you… Even my dad doesn’t always recognise me.
One – Maybe it’s Alzheimer’s…
Two – My father didn’t recognise me at birth. And frankly, I’m not sure he ever has. (Beat) What about you?
One – Me?
Two – Have you been doing this long?
One – Oh, no, me… This is only my second time. Actually, I’m wondering if I should carry on.
Two – We all say that. Then thirty years later, you’re playing a corpse in a funeral insurance ad.
One – Yes… That’s kind of why I’m wondering if I shouldn’t just stop now.
The other pours coffee from their thermos.
Two – Fancy a coffee?
One – No thanks, I’m good.
The other sips their coffee in silence for a moment.
Two – Yep… You start forming little habits before you even realise it.
One – They say Marilyn Monroe used to knit between takes.
Two – And she was a great actress.
The other looks towards the wings.
One – Ah, I think we’re about to start.
Two – When it’s time, it’s time…
They pack up their things to leave.
One – Do you know what we’re doing today? They forgot to tell me.
Two – I figured as much. Otherwise, I imagine you’d have dressed differently.
One – I thought that by wearing bright colours, I might stand out.
Two – Well, in that case, mission accomplished.
One – Oh, yeah…?
Two – We’re playing the anonymous crowd at a celebrity’s funeral.
The other looks around.
One – So far, it’s just the two of us.
Two – It’s a low-budget film…
They start to walk off.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Background Work est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are present. They remain silent for a moment.
One – I’ve got a bad feeling about this love scene.
Two – Who’s it with?
One – Fred.
Two – Ah, yes…
A pause.
One – Have you worked with him before?
Two – Yes…
One – And you didn’t notice anything?
Two – Well, yes…
One – He’s got terrible breath.
Two – No doubt about it.
One – How can someone’s breath be that bad?
Two – It’s like a jackal’s breath, honestly.
One – Even if you never brushed your teeth, could it really smell that bad?
Two – Must be some kind of liver problem. I can’t think of any other explanation.
One – And of course, no one dares say anything.
Two – Bit awkward, isn’t it?
One – Do you think he knows?
Two – Knows what?
One – That he stinks!
Two – No idea…
One – Maybe not.
Two – Maybe when you’ve got bad breath, you can’t smell it yourself.
One – Yeah… telling him might actually be doing him a favour.
Two – At the very least, it’d be a favour to everyone else.
One – His co-stars, for starters.
A pause.
Two – What if we had bad breath too, and no one’s ever dared to tell us?
One – Now that’s a worrying thought.
Two – If I had bad breath, would you tell me?
One – Not sure…
Two – That’s a bit scary, isn’t it?
One – Don’t worry, I’ve never noticed anything.
Two – OK…
One – Maybe you spit a little when you talk, that’s all.
Two – I spit?
One – I said a little.
Two – Well… thanks for telling me. I’ll try to be more careful.
One – OK… (Pause) And what about me?
Two – What?
One – Do I spit?
Two – I haven’t noticed…
One – OK… But have you noticed anything else?
Two – Not really.
One – OK.
Two – I think I heard you fart once or twice.
One – Oh, that… Well, it’s not always easy to control.
Two – I know, but… in the middle of a scene, during filming, it can really throw your scene partner off, you know?
One – I get it… When was the last time?
Two – This morning… In that scene we did together.
One – Ah, yes…
Two – You tell me you’ve seen the Virgin Mary at the back of a cave. And right after the word “cave”, you let one rip.
One – I see…
Two – It’s not easy to keep going after that.
One – I’m really sorry.
Two – It was pretty funny, to be fair, but still…
One – Yeah…
Two – You didn’t do it on purpose, did you?
One – I did.
Two – I thought as much.
One – That scene was so ridiculous. I just couldn’t help myself.
Two – The Virgin…
One – In a cave… I mean, come on.
Two – If you’d seen her at the bottom of a sake glass in a Chinese restaurant, that would’ve been funny.
One – How do screenwriters still come up with crap like that in the 21st century?
Two – It’s telly. They write whatever they’re told to…
One – I wonder who still watches TV. I mean proper national channels.
Two – Old people.
One – And when all the old people are dead?
Two – We’ll be dead too.
One – This little chat’s really cheered me up. Just before I go and snog a bloke with the breath of a camel.
Two – Yeah… We don’t have an easy job, do we?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Screen Kiss est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.