The landlord cleans glasses on the counter and rinses them in a sink out of view. A man and a woman enter. The man glances suspiciously and somewhat disgustedly at the bar. They sit at a table.
Him – It’s really grimy. I wonder why I keep coming here.
Her – It’s the only café across from the hospital…
Him – When you see the hygiene standards we have to follow in our work… If a patient catches a nosocomial disease in your department, even just a cold, they’ll sue you. Then they come here and get their little glass of red wine in a barely rinsed glass between two customers, one of whom may might have hepatitis and the other the Ebola.
Her – Yeah…
Him – Did you see that? Dirty dishes sit in the sink from morning till night. You can imagine the culture broth… By the end of the day, you’ve shared your germs with half the town. Nosocomial diseases, my foot. What do you call a disease you catch in a café?
Her – Cirrhosis of the liver?
The landlord approaches.
Landlord – And what can I get for you, ladies and gentlemen?
Him – I don’t know… A tomato juice.
Her – A coffee.
The landlord walks away.
Him – I don’t know why I’m getting tomato juice, I can’t stand it.
Her – After a while, we don’t know what else to order anymore
Him – Sodas are so sweet. I should have ordered a fruit juice.
Her – You still can…
Him – I don’t know… Did you see the look on the landlord’s face? He doesn’t seem friendly.
Her – Do you want me to go?
Him – It’s too late, he just opened the bottle. That’s just like me. I’ll have to drink a tomato juice even though I hate it. Plus, tomatoes give me heartburn. Don’t they do that to you?
Her – No.
Him – Too bad, I won’t drink it then…
Her (changing the subject) – What are you doing this summer?
Him – I don’t know yet… I’ll probably spend a week or two at my parents’ place, like every year.
Her – You’re close to your parents, then.
Him – Not really. They’re bloody annoying, but they have a villa with a pool near Antibes.
Her – When you’re annoying, if you still want to see your children after they leave home, you have to invest in a pool. You should consider it for yours when the time comes…
Him – Yeah… Unless I don’t want to see them too often.
Her – Besides that, how are things?
Him – Well, my wife invited the neighbours over for dinner again.
Her – So what?
Him – It’s not that they’re not nice, but… they’re a bit annoying too…
Her – Why did she invite them?
Him – We just moved into the neighbourhood. They kindly invited us to their place to get acquainted. So we felt obliged to return the invitation. I’m afraid it might become a habit, you know?
Her – I can see that.
Him – Now that we’ve set the ball rolling…
Her – I might have a solution.
Him – A solution?
Her – To make sure they never come to eat at your place again.
Him – What do you mean?
Her – I had the same thing happen a few years ago when I bought the house.
Him – And then?
Her – The neighbours invited us. Teachers, you know. Subscribers to a cultural magazine. Politically progressive, naturally. Environmentally conscious, leaning towards vegetarianism, but they still eat meat occasionally if it’s organic.
Him – I see. Nice, but totally boring. And how did you get rid of them?
Her – When we returned the invitation, I served them a special dish.
Him – Special?
Her – A heart.
Him – A heart? How do you mean, a heart?
Her – A beef heart. Straight up. Just with a salad.
Him – A beef heart? I didn’t even know you could eat that… Where did you find it?
Her – At the butcher’s around the corner.
Him – I didn’t know it was sold.
Her – Oh no, but he didn’t sell it to me. He gave it to me.
Him – No way! And did they eat it?
Her – They’re polite people, you see. I told you, teachers. So it’s about tolerance, respect for differences. They didn’t dare say a word, you can imagine. Like, I respect everyone’s customs, even if they’re different from mine, and I make an effort to share something with them, even if it’s not exactly my values. They held their noses, and they ate it all.
Him – And then?
Her – We never saw them again.
Him – Never?
Her – We bump into each other from time to time, of course, we’re neighbours. But they never dared to invite us again, afraid that we would return the invitation and serve them something even worse than last time… We totally traumatized them, I’m telling you.
Him – That’s crazy…
Her – Oh no, you should have seen their faces when I put it on the table… I should have taken a photo. Actually, I think I did…
Him – Damn… But then you had to eat it too.
Her – You have to know what you want, my friend. It’s just a bad moment to go through. But afterwards, you’re free for the rest of your life.
Him – Okay… Yeah, I’m not sure… I’ll talk to my wife about it…
Her – Definitely not, you fool!
Him – Why not?
Her – She wouldn’t agree, obviously!
Him – Yeah… There’s a good chance.
Her – No, surprise her. Tell her tonight, I’m the one cooking, darling.
Him – Oh yes, that alone will surprise her, for sure…
She gets up.
Her – Well, I have to go now.
Him – Okay.
Her – You’ll tell me about your evening, promise?
Him – Wait, I haven’t even been served my tomato juice yet…
Her – You’ll see, it works every time. If you never want to have them for dinner again without getting into a fight with them, it’s the only solution, I assure you… There’s a butcher’s shop right across the street.
Him – Thanks for the advice! You’re right, I’ll do that…
Her – Glad to help…
She leaves.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Open Hearts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Queasy heart est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

The landlord is behind the counter, reading the newspaper. A man and a woman arrive and sit at a table.
Her – Just to let you know, I don’t have much time… I have to get back to work in an hour. And my boss is just waiting for an opportunity to fire me…
Him – Thanks for sacrificing your lunch break for me.
Her – No, but I’m not sacrificing anything for you… (Looking at the menu) I’m going to have something to eat here. Aren’t you?
Him – Yes, yes, of course, I mean… Thanks for agreeing to have lunch with me.
She puts the menu down. A pause.
Her – So, you had something to tell me…
Him – Yes…
Awkward silence.
Her – I’m listening…
The landlord glances intrigued at them.
Him – I’m not sure how to say it…
Her – Since we don’t have much time, let me help you a bit… You want to go out with me, right?
Him (taken aback) – Yes, well…
The landlord interrupts this somewhat pathetic scene, arriving.
Landlord – What can I get you?
Her – A Niçoise salad… without anchovies and without tuna.
Him (jokingly) – A ham and butter sandwich… without butter. (The woman doesn’t laugh, and the landlord gives him a cold look.) No, just kidding. A ham and butter sandwich, please.
Landlord – One Niçoise and one Parisian sandwich. Coming right up.
The landlord leaves.
Her – Do you eat meat?
Him – Uh… yes. Well, no.
Her – But you eat ham…
Him – Yes, but… Ham isn’t really considered meat, is it?
Her – Have you seen the latest investigation by PETA on pig farming in cages?
Him – No.
Her – I think if you had, you wouldn’t eat ham anymore…
Him – I’m sorry, I… I didn’t know…
Her – That’s what the Germans said after the war about the camps.
Him – What did they say?
Her – “I didn’t know…”
Him – Okay… so… you’re a vegetarian.
Her – Vegan.
Him – Okay…
Her – You don’t know the difference, do you?
Him – No.
Her – I don’t eat any animal products. I don’t wear leather either. No fur, obviously.
Him – In this weather…
Her – Sorry?
Him – No, I mean… I don’t wear fur either. That’s a start, isn’t it?
Her – Listen, I’ll be frank with you. I could never date a guy who eats ham. But we can be friends if you want… We’re not closed-minded, after all.
Him – Is it that serious? I mean… It’s just a slice of ham.
Her – Do you know how that pig was raised? How it lived? How it was slaughtered?
Him – No.
Her – Have you ever visited a pig farm?
Him – No.
Her – Have you ever visited a slaughterhouse?
Him – No… and you?
Her – Me neither, but I’ve seen many videos about it.
Him – Okay… No, but… I don’t really care that much about ham… I mean, meat in general.
Her – So, you could become vegan just to go out with me?
Him – Why not? Of course! Absolutely…
Her – And if I were Muslim or Jewish, and asked you not to eat pork and convert to my religion, would you do it?
Him – Are you Muslim?
Her – It’s just a supposition. So?
Him – I don’t know… Maybe… I’m Catholic, but… It’s the same with meat, I don’t really care that much…
Her – You’re quite easily influenced, it seems.
Him – Or… I really want to go out with you.
Her – Yeah… but it wouldn’t be out of conviction.
Him – That I would date you?
Her – That you would stop eating meat! It would just be to date me.
Him – Yes, well…
Her – And as soon as I dumped you, you would go back to eating meat.
Him – We’re not even dating yet, and you’re already thinking of dumping me?
A pause.
Her – What’s your worst food experience?
Him – Sorry?
Her – The worst meal of your life, if you prefer.
Him (jokingly) – I hope it’s not going to be this one… (She remains stone-faced.) No, I… I don’t know…
Her – Well, I can tell you.
Him – Okay.
Possibly melodramatic music accompanies the narration of this traumatic episode.
Her – I must have been around ten years old. We were invited with my parents to their friends’ house. A doctor and his wife. They weren’t really friends, in fact. They were just our new neighbours. My mother had invited them over once to welcome them to the neighbourhood, and they were returning the invitation. My parents are very simple people. It must have flattered them to be invited to dinner by a surgeon. They probably expected these high-class people to go all out. So we have drinks, chat a bit, and then sit at the table. It’s true that the dishes were made of porcelain, and the tablecloth was immaculately white. There were so many utensils on the table that we wondered which one to use first. Then comes the main course, after a green salad, and what does the surgeon place on the table?
The music abruptly stops.
Him – You’re scaring me…
Her – A heart!
Silence.
Him – A human heart?
Her – No, not really… Well, I don’t think so. I imagine it was a beef heart.
Him – A beef heart… I didn’t even know that was edible… The soft one, maybe… For cats… It’s the lungs, I think… But a heart!
Her – And those two sadists had the nerve to ask us if we liked it.
Him – And then?
Her – My parents are extremely polite people… So, invited to a doctor’s house, you can imagine… My mother politely answers: “Of course, you bet. We’ve never eaten it before, but well, there’s a first time for everything, right?”
Him – Oh, damn…
Her – And my father adds: “Oh yes, beef heart, that’s original, it’s a change of pace. That’s true, we never think about it, we should have it more often, right, dear?” Meanwhile, I’m disgusted, of course. I say I don’t like it. My mother insists: “Until you’ve tasted it, you can’t say you don’t like it!” And the doctor lectures us: “You know, in primitive tribes, warriors used to eat the hearts of their enemies to gain their strength.” And the doctor’s wife adds: “In any case, beef heart is very good for your health. It’s full of proteins. And don’t we say ‘strong as an ox’?” And there I am, with a huge piece of heart on my plate.
Him – Wasn’t there anything else to eat?
Her – Just green salad.
Him – Heart with salad…
Her – It’s not easy to cut either, I can tell you. Like a rubber sole, you know? Have you ever eaten it?
Him – A rubber sole…?
Her – And everyone chewing their beef heart before forcing themselves to swallow it. All the while, talking about the weather, as if it were perfectly normal.
Him – And is it good? I mean… What does it taste like?
Her – Nothing. It had the texture of chewing gum. Since then, I’ve never chewed gum again. And, above all, from one day to the next, I became vegan. Even before the word existed. I even wonder if I didn’t invent the concept…
Him – Oh yes… That’s enough to be traumatized forever…
Her – Wait… what if you were right…?
Him – Sorry?
Her – Now I’m wondering if it really was a beef heart.
Him – No?
Her – Well, he was a surgeon, you see… When they transplant a new heart into a patient, we don’t really know what they do with the old one. I imagine there aren’t many patients asking to keep it as a souvenir in a jar.
Him – Do you think there are cannibal surgeons?
The landlord returns with the sandwich and salad.
Landlord – Here you go. A Parisian ham and butter sandwich and a Niçoise salad without anchovies or tuna. I replaced them with mackerel. (The woman gives him a deadly look, and he continues deadpan.) Just kidding. Enjoy your meal.
The man looks at his sandwich before pushing it away.
Him – No, you’re right. It wouldn’t be honest of me.
Her – What?
Him – To quit eating meat just to date you. I have to believe in it.
Her – That’s for sure…
Him – The problem is, quitting meat is like quitting smoking. When you’re addicted…
Her – So, you’re giving up…
Him – I know what I have to do.
Her – Now you’re scaring me.
Him – I’m going to the butcher’s shop right across the street. I’m going to buy a beef heart and eat it whole. After that, I think I’ll be permanently disgusted by meat. Just like you.
Her – You’d do that for me? You’d eat a bovine heart?
Him – What do you think?
He gets up. Surprised, she stands up too.
Her – But… you’re going now?
Him – If I think too much about it, I might not be able to do it.
Her – And… do you have a recipe?
Him – I’m going to eat it raw. I’m a warrior, right?
Her – Well…
Him – Okay, wish me luck.
He hugs her, playing on the element of surprise,he kisses her on the mouth for a long and passionate moment. He leaves. She watches him go, puzzled. The landlord, who saw everything, returns.
Landlord – Didn’t he like the Parisian ham and butter sandwich?
Her – He decided to become vegan.
Landlord – Well, he seems really motivated…
Her – Yes…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Open Hearts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Tender-hearted est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.