A character sits at a table with one full glass and one empty one. Next to him is a bucket with a bottle of champagne. Another character arrives.
One – You know how to whistle, don’t you?
Two – You just put your lips together and blow
One – A password for film buffs…
Two – To Have and Have Not, a classic. I’ll pour you some.
One – Gladly.
The other pours him a glass. They toast.
Two – To our contract.
One – I haven’t agreed to anything yet. What’s the job exactly?
Two – To kill someone.
One – I’m a hitman. That’s usually why I’m hired. But who do you want to get rid of?
Two – Myself.
One – Sorry?
Two – Yes, I know, it’s probably unusual, but after all, what difference does it make to you?
One – None, I suppose.
Two – It actually has advantages. The victim’s willing, no one will complain, and you’re guaranteed no trouble.
One – In our line of work, you’re never guaranteed anything, you know. The question is… why don’t you do it yourself?
Two – Because I don’t have the courage, plain and simple.
One – I understand. Killing someone else is one thing. Killing yourself is another. If I ever wanted to end it, I think I’d call in a colleague.
Two – Plus, I don’t want to hurt my loved ones, you understand. Suicide is always such a burden for those left behind. “Why didn’t I see it coming?” “If only I’d known, could I have stopped it?”
One – Of course.
Two – An accident, or even a murder, is much easier for them to handle.
One – I have to admit, we’re getting more and more requests like yours. At first, it was hard for me, but… When you can be of service…
Two – You’ll be doing me a great favour, truly.
One – If I may ask… Why?
Two – Just weariness, really… The sense that what I was meant to do on this earth is behind me.
One – And if you change your mind?
Two – Unfortunately, every day I feel more certain about it.
One – Well, if you do change your mind, just send me a text.
Two – Alright.
He takes an envelope from his pocket and slides it across the table.
Two – Here you go, as agreed.
One – Very well.
Two – Aren’t you going to count it?
One – Where you’re going, what would you do with a few euros you hadn’t given me?
Two – True.
One – You seem like a nice chap. I’ll be a bit sad to…
Two – You seem rather nice yourself. And all things considered, I’m glad it’s you handling it…
One – As I mentioned, I give myself a month to complete the contract. So it could be tomorrow or next month. You won’t know the day, the hour, or the place…
Two – And what if something happens to you in the meantime?
One – Happens?
Two – If you die before I do.
One – That’s unlikely, but in that case, I’m afraid you’d have to keep living a bit longer.
Two – Then take good care of yourself.
The other stands up, makes a farewell gesture, and leaves. The one who remains finishes his drink. We hear the screech of tyres followed by a crash.
Two – Oh, damn. That’s the third one this week…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Bad Luck est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character sits casually at a table, with a carafe and a glass in front of him. He opens a newspaper. Another character enters, holding a gun and trying not to be seen, chewing gum. The first character doesn’t notice him, as he’s hidden behind his newspaper. The man with the gun aims but suddenly chokes on his gum and starts coughing. He struggles and gasps. The other character notices, puts down his newspaper, and rushes to help, patting him on the back.
One – Are you alright?
The man with the gun doesn’t respond, continuing to choke. The other performs the Heimlich manoeuvre, standing behind him and applying pressure to his chest. The man finally spits out the gum and catches his breath.
One – Feeling better?
Two – I swallowed my gum the wrong way.
One – Well, the important thing is that you’re okay now.
Two – If you hadn’t been here… (He coughs a bit more.) And hadn’t known what to do.
One – It’s called the Heimlich manoeuvre. Supposedly, that’s what you do in these situations. I saw it on TV. First time I’ve ever tried it. Looks like it works.
Two – You saved my life.
One – Let’s not overdo it.
Two – No, no…
One – Would you like something to drink, to help settle you?
Two – I’ll try not to swallow it wrong…
The other pours him a glass from the carafe. Still holding the gun in his right hand, he grabs the glass with his left and drinks thirstily.
Two – That’s better.
One – Good, good… (Pause) But, if I may ask… why are you holding a gun?
Two – Oh, the gun… I…
One – Were you planning to rob this café?
Two – Well…
One – A small neighbourhood café like this… I doubt there’s much in the till… Risking jail time for such a small amount of money …
Two – Of course…
One – If you’re temporarily short on cash, I can help you out.
Two – You’d do that? I mean… No, I can’t accept, but…
One – But what? It’s no trouble, honestly…
Pause.
Two – Actually, I’m a hitman. I was here to kill you.
One – Really? And why’s that?
Two – Nothing personal, I assure you… It’s just my job, that’s all.
One – I understand…
Two – Yes… But now that you’ve saved my life… It does present a bit of a dilemma, naturally…
One – I’m really sorry to be causing you problems… Maybe I shouldn’t have…
Two – No, no, but… (Pause) You’re a decent sort, aren’t you?
One – I do what I can to help others…
Two – Why would anyone want to kill someone like you?
One – I was hoping you might be able to tell me.
Two – Our clients don’t always tell us their motives. They’re only interested in results… And for us, it’s about getting paid. Sometimes it’s better not to know, really.
One – Mustn’t be an easy job.
Two – You’re so nice… I understand how, over time, that might annoy some people… But to actually put a contract on you…
One – I don’t want to be a bother. Do what you have to do…
Two (annoyed) – Well, yes, but now you’ve saved my life!
One – I’m sorry.
Two – Say “sorry” one more time, and I’ll smack you.
One – Apologies, I just… So, what now?
Two – I don’t know… I need to think… A contract is a contract…
He puts his gun on the table and starts massaging his right arm.
One – You alright?
Two – Yeah, but I don’t know what’s up… My arm’s been feeling a bit off since this morning…
One – Off, how?
Two – Like… numb.
One – Do you have any issues with erectile function?
Two – Erectile function?
One – Sorry, I meant speech problems?
Two – No more than usual.
One – Vision issues?
Two – Now that you mention it, things have been a bit blurry lately…
One – That’s not something to mess around with. You might be having a stroke.
Two – A stroke?
One – A cerebrovascular accident. The symptoms fit. I hope it’s not that, but best not take chances. I’ll call emergency services…
Two – Are you sure?
One – Strokes are one of the leading causes of death in France. The first few hours are crucial. If it’s caught early, you can avoid lasting damage. (He dials.) On hold… You alright?
Two – Fine… I came here to kill you, and in the last five minutes, you’ve saved my life twice…
One – Ah… (He notices something under the table.) Third time’s the charm… Don’t move…
He kicks something under the table, bends down, and retrieves a snake, holding it up in front of the other man.
Two – What’s that?
One – A viper. Quite rare in the city. But it could’ve killed you…
The other man is utterly stunned.
Two – I don’t even know what to say…
One – No need to thank me. It’s only natural.
Two – I don’t want to thank you at all… On the contrary, I’m starting to feel a real urge to kill you…
The other finally gets someone on the line.
One – Excuse me a moment… Hello, emergency services?
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Saviour est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters sit at a table, looking sombre. Silence.
One – So, that’s another one gone.
Two – He’ll be missed.
One – It’s always the best ones who go first.
Two – Yes… (Pause) Although, in his case, I’m not sure we can really say he was one of the best…
One – True, but… a colleague is a colleague. We’re in such a tough line of work.
Two – And so underappreciated.
One – And yet, he was an endearing chap, all the same.
Two – Yes.
One – I didn’t quite get it. How exactly did he die?
Two – Work-related accident.
One – An accident?
Two – He accidentally swallowed the poison meant for one of his targets.
One – Oh no… What kind of poison?
Two – You won’t believe it, but from what I heard… it was ant poison.
One – Ants?
Two – Yep…
Pause.
One – No, he definitely wasn’t the best.
Two – You could even say he tarnished the professional image we’d like our trade to have.
One – Yes, it was time for him to stop.
Two – How many times did I tell him to switch professions? It was obvious he wasn’t cut out for this.
One – You’ve no idea the kind of blunders he pulled.
Two – I heard once, when he was supposed to kill a woman’s husband, he ended up poisoning her lover instead.
One – How did that turn out?
Two – Well, they accused the cuckolded husband of killing his rival, and he ended up in prison.
One – In a way, he still managed to get rid of her husband for her.
Two – Yes… but her lover was dead too.
One – That man was a disgrace to our profession.
Two – Really, there should be some kind of training.
One – With a diploma.
Two – And a Guild Council, to exclude the black sheep.
One – Well, at least he won’t harm anyone else.
Two – No.
Pause.
One – He was kind, though.
Two – Kind but dim.
One – Yes…
They finish their drinks.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Eulogy est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character sits at a table with a drink. Another character arrives.
One – Hey. You here on your own?
Two – Looks like we’re the first ones.
One – I’m not sure how many will show up. Honestly, I almost didn’t come myself.
Two – It’s the first meeting. Maybe they couldn’t get the word out to everyone in time.
One – Just hope the police didn’t get the memo.
Two – You’re not wrong… A Hitmen’s Union… I’m not sure it’s a good idea.
One – True, together we’d be stronger in defending our interests, but still…
Two – Our interests?
One – Standardising our rates, for example. To avoid undercutting each other with unfair competition.
Two – Yeah… But we don’t want to be accused of price-fixing either.
One – Price-fixing?
Two – You’re right. Besides… We’re already working outside the law.
One – Like sex workers.
Two – I think they managed to get health insurance and even pension contributions.
One – Do you think our profession could ever be state-recognised?
Two – Maybe even classified as a public service? After all… Crime has always existed. It always will.
One – It’s the oldest profession in the world. Older than prostitution.
Two – That’s true. Was anyone already on the street when Cain killed Abel?
One – He should have hired a professional; would’ve saved him a lot of trouble.
Two – Murder is a profession, so why not regulate our activity with laws?
One – Yeah… But they’ll say it’s not democratic. Only the wealthy could afford to kill those who annoy them.
Two – Unless it’s reimbursed.
One – By the National Health Service, you mean?
Two – I don’t know…
Pause.
One – So, how’s business going?
Two – A bit dead at the moment.
One – What was your last job?
Two – A woman who didn’t have the courage to end it herself. She wanted me to take care of it.
One – Easy money. At least no one will come complaining.
Two – You’d think. Last minute, she changed her mind. Since she had a credit with me, she asked me to kill her husband instead. Now, things seem to be going better for her… (Pause) And you?
One – I was supposed to take care of an old lady. A bloke had bought her house on a life annuity, and she was already a centenarian.
Two – Bad luck… But it’s cases like that where our profession really serves a social purpose.
One – Right after she signed the contract for me to help her go with dignity, she died bungee jumping.
Two – Bungee jumping?
One – Her grandkids gave it to her as a present for her hundredth birthday.
Two – And the bungee cord snapped…
One – No. Her heart did.
Two – Ah, damn.
One – So the client wanted a refund.
Two – And?
One – A contract’s a contract.
Two – After all, she did die.
One – He wouldn’t listen. Instead of killing the old woman, I had to get rid of the client.
Two – Killing your clients is never good for business.
One – That’s why in cases like these, a union could help resolve business disputes…
A pause. A police siren is heard in the background.
Two – Ah, I don’t think we’ll be alone after all…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Unionising est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character is seated at a table. On the table, a bottle of champagne sits in an ice bucket with two glasses. Another character arrives.
One – Have you been here long?
Two stands up.
Two – Just five minutes. How are you?
They exchange a hug before sitting back down.
One – I’m good. And you?
Two – I’m fine.
One – Champagne? What’s the occasion?
Two – Can’t you guess?
One – Obviously… So, how does it feel to be another year older?
Two – You remembered… That’s thoughtful.
One – Better than that… (He takes an envelope from his pocket and hands it over.) Here, I didn’t know what to get you, so… here you go.
Two looks a bit hesitant.
Two – An envelope? What is it?
One – Open it, and you’ll see…
Two – Let’s toast first, while it’s nice and cold.
He fills their glasses. They toast.
One – Cheers! Happy birthday!
Two – Thanks! Cheers!
They drink.
One – So, aren’t you going to open it?
Two still doesn’t look too enthusiastic.
Two – Oh, yes, right… I’m intrigued… What could it possibly be?
He opens the envelope.
One – I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I thought, at least, this would be an original gift.
Two – Don’t tell me it’s another voucher for a parachute jump or something…
He pulls a piece of paper from the envelope and looks at it.
One – Well?
Two – A voucher… for a hitman.
One – Told you… it’s original.
Two (still reading) – “Take out anyone you like…”
One – You just need to fill in the name of the target in the blank space.
Two – The target?
One – The person you’d love to get rid of!
Two – Right…
One – To make sure there’s no mistake, you can also add the address and attach a photo.
Two – Got it…
One – Do you like it?
Two – Yes, it’s… It’s definitely an original gift.
One – So… have you thought of anyone yet?
Two – Thought of anyone?
One – The name of the person you’ll put in the blank space!
Two – Oh, I… Not yet… I’ll have to think about it…
One – Be careful, you only get one name. And you can’t do it again. That’s clearly stated in the contract.
Two – Right…
One – Otherwise, it might look suspicious, you see.
Two – Of course. Well… Yes, I’ll give it some thought…
One – Don’t take too long, though, okay? It’s valid for only a year.
Two – Got it…
One – They promise to execute the contract within six months of receiving the form. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!
Two – No, no, it’s… It’s a fantastic gift.
One – Surely, you’ve got someone in mind… If you had to take out just one person on this earth…
Two – A name does come to mind but…
One – Well, it’s specified that it has to be an ordinary person, yeah? Not a sitting president, a TV presenter, or any celebrity. No, someone like family, a friend or…
Two – A friend?
One – A friend who’s betrayed you.
Two – Betrayed me?
One – Someone who slept with your wife, for instance.
Two – Are you telling me my wife is cheating on me?
One – Not at all! It’s just an example. It could be… I don’t know… Your mother-in-law, your boss, your tax inspector… Or even your wife, for that matter.
Two – Because she’s cheating on me?
One – Because you can’t stand her anymore! You want your freedom back, but you’re not keen on paying alimony for the rest of your life either.
Two – I get on very well with my wife.
One – Don’t tell me there isn’t someone in your life who wouldn’t make things a bit easier by… not being around.
Two – To the point of killing them? No, can’t think of anyone…
One – You’re so frustrating sometimes… I don’t know, just… someone who annoys you.
Two starts to lose patience.
Two – Someone who annoys me… like, say, someone who gives me ridiculous gifts every year for my birthday, for example?
One – Do you think I always give you ridiculous gifts?
Two – Last year, it was a gift certificate for ten sessions with a psychotherapist! And the year before that, it was a package to arrange my own disappearance!
One – And yet, you didn’t even use that one.
A pause.
Two – I’m going to put your name down…
The other watches him scribbling on the paper, looking uneasy.
One – Now, now, you can still think it over… Shall I top up your glass?
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Gift est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A rather sophisticated woman sits alone at a table, staring at an empty cocktail glass. A man approaches.
Him – Hello, may I buy you a drink?
Her – Even two or three if you like.
Him – Well, I’m not sure I’ve got that much cash on me.
Her – Let’s start with one, then. What’s your name?
Him – Michael, but you can call me Mickey. And you?
Her – Mary. But you can call me whatever you like.
Him – Right… And what would you fancy, Mary?
Her – The same as before. A Bloody Mary.
Him – A cocktail… That’s a bit pricey, isn’t it? How much is it?
Her – I have no idea. (Gesturing to a man across the room) The gentleman over there bought it for me.
Him – Ah, I see…
She gives the man a flirtatious smile, then turns back to her new companion.
Her – So?
Him – Oh yes, excuse me… (He fumbles in his pockets.) I’m so used to getting turned down, I’m not even sure I’ve got enough. I spent my last bit of change on poison.
Her – You do look a bit desperate, but I’m not sure suicide’s the answer, you know.
Him – Oh, no, but… it’s not for me.
Her – You want to poison someone?
Him – Yes, well… No… It’s ant poison.
Her – I see… I could settle for a coffee… if that’s more in your budget.
Him – Actually, I don’t think I have any cash at all.
Her – Is this your tactic to get someone else to buy you a drink?
Him – Sometimes it works.
Her – Well, let’s say it’s your lucky day. What will you have?
Him – I’ll have the same as you.
Her – You’ve got expensive taste for someone who can’t afford to buy a woman a drink.
Him – I do come into money from time to time, you know. But in my line of work, there are highs and lows.
Her – And what line of work is that?
Him – I’m a hitman.
Her – I see… So right now, it’s a bit of a dead season.
Him – Exactly.
Her – And have you killed many people in your life?
Him – Quite a few.
Her – And are you working on something now? Besides the ants…
Him – You’ll understand if I can’t talk about that.
Her – Of course… Professional confidentiality…
Him – Sorry.
Her – I can’t seem to find the waiter…
Him – I’ll take care of it.
He stands up.
Her – I’ll have another with you. Tell the waiter to put it all on Mr…
She gestures towards the man across the room who supposedly bought her a drink. He heads offstage. She takes the opportunity to flirt with the man across the room. Her companion returns with two Bloody Marys and sits down.
Him – Here you go.
Her – Well, cheers!
Him – Cheers!
He raises his glass to drink.
Her – Oh, I think someone’s noticed you.
Him – Sorry?
She nods towards a woman in the audience.
Her – Haven’t you noticed? She’s been staring at you…
Him – Are you sure?
He looks toward the woman in the audience, and she takes the opportunity to switch their glasses.
Her – If things don’t work out with me, you could always give her a try… She looks more your type.
Him – Why not…
Her – Here’s to your next victim!
They clink glasses and drink.
Him – Thanks for the cocktail.
Her – Forgive my curiosity, but I’m a little intrigued, obviously. This is the first time I’ve met a hitman…
Him – When you meet a hitman, you know, the first time is often the last…
Her – True! I hadn’t thought of that.
He takes another drink.
Him – So, what do you want to know?
Her – If you had to kill a woman, how would you go about it?
Him – There are a few ways, but for a woman… it requires elegance. Perhaps a bit of strychnine in her drink…
She smiles.
Her – I know who you’re working for.
Him – Oh really?
Her – And I know you’ve been hired to kill me.
Him – Why would anyone want to kill you?
Her – I’m a hitwoman too. They call me Bloody Mary.
Him – I see…
Her – You’re the third hitman they’ve sent after me. I must say, the other two weren’t nearly as entertaining as you.
Him – And… what happened to them?
Her – They’re dead. Quite suddenly…
Him – And yet, here you are, still alive…
Her – As you can see. In perfect health, in fact.
Him – Not for much longer.
Her – What makes you say that?
Him – I put strychnine in your glass.
Her – I swapped our glasses while you were eyeing that floozy.
Him – Ah…
Her – Don’t worry, it’ll be over quickly.
He rummages through his pockets, pulling out two small packets, which he examines.
Him – Oh, damn…
Her – What?
Him – I used the wrong packet. What I put in your glas – or rather, in the one I drank – wasn’t strychnine. It was ant poison…
Her – So, you were telling the truth? You’ve actually got a contract on an ant colony?
Him – No, but I’ve got loads of ants at home, and they’re a real nuisance, I assure you.
Her – Lucky for you, you’re not an ant.
Him – And the ants don’t seem too affected by it, either.
Her – Well then, you may as well finish your poisoned cocktail.
Him – I do feel a bit strange, though.
Her – Strange, as in… even stranger than usual?
Him – Feels like… ants crawling up my arms.
Her – Ants?
Him – Apparently, it’s quite laxative, too. Sorry, but I think I’ll have to leave you.
Her – It’s been a pleasure having a drink with you. Perhaps we’ll meet again…
He gives a weak smile and hurries off.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Bloody Mary est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters are seated at a café table, each with a glass of red wine.
One – Cheers!
Two – Cheers!
They take a sip. The first grimaces. The other seems to enjoy it.
One – It’s really awful, isn’t it?
Two – Yes, but to me, it tastes like freedom.
One – Why? You just got out of prison?
Two – Almost. My in-laws are staying at mine for the holidays. I managed to sneak out for an hour.
One – Ah, tough break.
Two – I told them I was going to check the oil in the car.
One – Don’t you drive an electric?
Two – Yeah… You see what it’s come to…
One – Right…
Two – They’ve only been here two days, and I’m already sick of them. Especially my father-in-law…
Silence.
One – Want me to get rid of him for you?
Two – You mean, take them in? If my wife agrees, I’d hand them over immediately. I’m willing to pay, you know. I’d pay double the B&B rate because, trust me, they’re no gift.
One – No, I meant… make them disappear.
Two – Disappear? You’re a magician? Unfortunately, whenever a magician makes someone disappear, they always reappear after a few minutes. What good would that do? And you’re not a magician, are you?
One – No, of course not… No, I mean make them disappear… for good.
The other one is taken aback.
Two – Very funny.
One – I’m not joking.
Two – For good…?
One – I know a guy who could take care of it, if you want.
Two – You’re kidding?
One – Not at all.
Two – You mean… a hitman?
One – He’d only do it as a favour, though. Not for free, of course.
Two – You know hitmen?
One – No, I don’t know… hitmen. But I know one.
Two – Well, I don’t know any, you see. Where did you meet this guy?
One – In prison.
Two – In prison?
One – We shared a cell for three years.
Two – You’ve been to prison?
One – Yeah.
Two – What for?
One – What for?
Two – Why did they lock you up? What did you do?
One – Attempted murder.
Two – Attempted?
One – I botched the job. I wasn’t very skilled. But this guy’s a pro, I swear. He’s taken out more than a few, I guarantee it.
Two – You’re pulling my leg here…
One – Not at all.
Two – You’re serious?
One – Deadly serious.
The other takes this in, processing the information.
Two – That’s crazy. I didn’t know hitmen existed outside of movies. So, you just place an order, like ordering a pizza, and…
One – Yes. It’s called a contract.
The other thinks again.
Two – A contract… And how much would it cost? I mean, just out of curiosity?
One – It depends…
Two – Depends on what?
One – Well, is it just for one, or for both of them? Since you said it’s mostly your father-in-law who…
Two – I don’t know. How much would it be per person?
One – I’d have to ask him… Around 8,500 euros maybe.
Two – That’s… oddly specific.
One – He’d probably give you a deal for the pair.
Two – How much?
One – For a couple… about 15,000.
Two – We’re talking VAT included, I assume.
One – Cash is simpler, unless you need an invoice.
Two (thinking) – Right…
One – Want me to ask him?
Two – No, not at all… I said “right” as in… I get it. Obviously, I don’t agree. (Pause) Although it’s pretty tempting…
One – Yeah.
Two – And it’s risky, isn’t it? I mean… the perfect crime doesn’t exist.
One – What makes you say that?
Two – I don’t know… that’s what they say.
One – By definition, perfect crimes aren’t classed as crimes. They’re accidents, natural deaths, suicides… So, if a perfect crime exists, we wouldn’t know about it. That’s why they say it doesn’t exist.
Two – I see… To avoid inspiring people.
One – For all we know, out of a hundred people who die, ten could be victims of perfect crimes, and we’d have no idea.
Two – You really think so?
One – I’ve known quite a few who’d committed perfect crimes.
Two – Really? And where did you meet them?
One – In prison.
Two – If they’d committed perfect crimes, what were they doing in prison?
One – Oh, they were in prison for something else.
Two – Yeah… Not very reassuring. I think I’ll take some time to consider it. And fifteen grand, that’s a fair sum…
Pause.
One – And your in-laws are planning to stay with you every holiday?
Two – Yeah… that’s why I’m not saying no straight away…
One – Suit yourself.
Two – On the other hand, I don’t want to end up in jail, like you.
Pause.
One – There’s always kidnapping.
Two – Kidnapping?
One – It’s less permanent, but… if you get caught, the sentence is lighter. Plus, you can ask for a ransom.
Two – A ransom?
One – And with the ransom, you can pay the kidnapper. Costs you nothing. Play your cards right and you might even make a profit.
Two – A ransom… Who’d pay a ransom to free my father-in-law? My mother-in-law, maybe, but even that’s doubtful. Besides, she’s broke.
One – No other family?
Two – Well, there’s my brother-in-law. And my sister-in-law. They’re arriving next week.
One – They’re staying with you too?
Two – Yeah, unfortunately.
One – Ah, tough break…
Two – Quite.
Pause.
One – Don’t tell me you want to get rid of them too.
Two – Depends. For four, would your mate give me a big discount?
One – Best not make it too obvious. Are there a lot more people you’d like to get rid of?
Two – Can’t stand my parents either… And don’t get me started on my two sisters and their idiot husbands.
One – They coming over for the holidays too?
Two – Oh no! They’re not invited. But they still drive me up the wall. And once the holidays are over, there’s my boss…
One – Just so you know, my friend’s a hitman, not a mass shooter like in America.
Two – Right, because as long as there’s one left to get on my nerves… No, I won’t go down that road. It’d never end. And I don’t have the funds…
The other stands up.
One – In that case, I’m off.
Two – Yeah, me too. Got people waiting for me at home…
One – Well then… Enjoy your holidays.
Two – Cheers…
One – And if you change your mind, you’ve got my number.
Two – OK… Who are you spending the holidays with?
One – Just the wife.
Two – Don’t tell me the others…
One – If I told you… it wouldn’t be the perfect crime.
He leaves. The other is left thoughtful for a moment and then exits as well.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Contract est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. A table where a woman is seated. No drink in front of her. Another woman arrives.
One (standing) – Ah, you came…
Two – Did I really have a choice?
They hesitate awkwardly, almost go in for a hug, but think better of it. They sit down.
One – Would you like something?
Two – I ordered a coffee.
One – Even though we know we’re not here forever… it still hits you.
Two – At his age… we knew he was on borrowed time, right?
One – Apparently, it happened in his sleep.
Two – Oh, I see…?
One – At least he didn’t suffer… Didn’t even know he was going.
Two – A good death, as they say… Doesn’t replace a good life, but it’s better than nothing.
One – He always did as he pleased…
Two – Is that enough for a good life…?
One – It was a different time.
Two – Yes…
An uncomfortable silence. The second woman gets up.
Two – I’ll go see what’s happened to my coffee… Seems they’ve forgotten me. Do you want anything else?
One – They haven’t brought what I ordered either…
Two approaches the bar, disappearing into the shadows. One touches up her makeup. Two returns with two coffees.
Two – They were ready, but they forgot to bring them to us…
One – I hope it’s still hot…
Two (taking a sip) – Strong, at least… It could wake the dead.
The other looks at her, unsure whether to laugh or be shocked.
One – We didn’t even get to say goodbye.
Two – Say goodbye?
One – Bid farewell, if you prefer…
Two – I’m not sure what I prefer, but all right…
One – Still… If only we had known…
Two – Even if we had known the exact date and time… between us, would it really have changed anything?
One – We could have said one last word to him…
Two – One last word? Like what, for example?
One – I don’t know…
Two – Personally, I’m not sure the last thing I’d have said to him would’ve brought much comfort…
One – No use dwelling on the past now that he’s gone…
Two – You’re right… Let’s look resolutely to the future… So, what do we do with the body?
One – You talk as if we were the ones who killed him…
Two – I was thinking about cremation…
One – Do you think that’s what he would have wanted?
Two – Well… I don’t recall ever having that kind of conversation with him. Actually, I don’t recall ever having a proper conversation with him at all… And you?
One – No, neither do I…
Two – In that case, it’s up to us. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the whole mausoleum business, unless you’re a national hero. We’re not going to embalm him like Stalin… And I’ve no intention of traipsing to the cemetery every All Saints’ Day with a bunch of chrysanthemums.
One – I don’t know…
Two – I’m just saying how I feel… But if you’d enjoy visiting his grave once a year to lay a few flowers… If you think it’s better to invest in stone, we’ll go with that.
A beat.
One – And what would we do with the ashes?
Two – We split them. It’s all he ever left us.
One – We can’t do that…
Two – If you’d rather scatter the whole lot in your garden between the barbecue and the pool, I’m happy to hand over my share. No worries.
Silence.
One – How can you be so harsh…?
Emotion overtakes her.
Two – The real question is… how did we end up like this?
One – Well… It is what it is… No one’s to blame…
Two – Someone’s always to blame, surely!
One – It’s too late anyway.
Silence.
One – And you… how are you?
Two – I’m fine.
One – That’s all?
Two – It would take too long to explain…
Her phone rings, she answers.
Two – Yes… Oh, it’s you… No, no… Yes, yes, but… Listen, I’m in a meeting right now. Well… more like a family reunion. Actually, not really a party either, I’ll explain. Can I call you back later? Right, talk soon… You too…
She hangs up her phone.
Two – Sorry… And you, how are you?
One – It’s been so long… I don’t even know where to begin…
The other’s phone rings again.
Two – Sorry… (She answers.) Yes? Okay. No, no, it’s fine. Really? But I told you to… Alright, I’ll be there in an hour.
She puts her phone away .
Two – I’m really sorry… What were we talking about?
One – Doesn’t matter.
Two – Look, honestly, if you can manage it… I just can’t right now… Do what you think is best. I’m fine with that. And of course, we’ll split the costs…
She stands up.
Two – I really have to go now… I hadn’t planned on this… But let’s have lunch sometime soon?
One – Why not.
She starts to take a banknote from her purse to pay.
Two – Leave it, I’ll pay on my way out. You have my number, keep me posted?
One – Okay…
This time they awkwardly kiss each other. The second one leaves. The first sits back down and finishes her coffee.
Two – And now it’s cold…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Beautiful Death est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. Two women stare off into the distance. The second is wearing a hat, with no hair visible beneath it.
One – Did you see that tree? Isn’t it beautiful?
Two – Yes.
One – It’s so much a part of the landscape… that we end up not seeing it anymore.
Two – Mmm…
One – It’s an oak. It was already here before we were even born.
Two – How do you know? Since we weren’t born…
One – We hung a swing from one of its branches when we were kids. It was already that big. Don’t you remember?
Two – No.
One – I do. I broke my arm falling off that damn swing.
Two – You’ve broken so many things. How do you expect me to remember them all…? Once time, you even broke your ass.
One – My coccyx.
Two – Falling off a chair. Incredible. I wonder which bone you haven’t broken. (A pause) The coccyx… I didn’t even know it existed back then. And even now, I’m not sure how to spell it.
One – All I know is that it scores a lot of points in Scrabble…
Two – When I picture you as a kid, you always have a cast. Even in school photos, you’ve got an arm in a sling, crutches, or a big bandage. I wonder how you even made it to adulthood in one piece.
One – You never broke anything. Like that tree over there…
Two – And yet, I did just as many stupid things as you… I lived dangerously too. I’ve even shucked oysters at Christmas. And I never stabbed myself with the knife…
One – You’ve always had more luck than me. I kind of resented you for that…
Two – Do you really think I’ve been lucky…?
One – Yeah, go ahead, call me clumsy.
Two – Where are you going with your tree?
One – It’s weathered every storm. Not a single broken branch. Just like you. In a hundred years, it’ll still be standing.
Two – Even if it’s standing, it might be hollow inside by now. Look, it doesn’t even have a leaf left on its head. Just like me, actually.
One – That’s normal. It’s autumn…
Two – Ah, yes, that’s true. I didn’t realise summer had passed… From my hospital window, all I could see was the hypermarket parking lot.
One – The leaves will grow back in spring. You’ll see.
A moment passes.
Two – And my hair? Do you think it’ll grow back in spring too?
One – I’d bet my arm on it…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Coccyx est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. Two women are seated at a table. The first is staring straight ahead.
Woman 1 – What are you looking at?
Woman 2 – I’m waiting for the lottery results. They’ll show them on the screen over there…
Woman 1 – You play the lottery?
Woman 2 – I felt like giving it a try.
Woman 1 – Why not…? (Silence) What’s the jackpot?
Woman 2 – 115 million.
Woman 1 – 115 million…
Woman 2 – You’re wondering what you could do with 115 million.
Woman 1 – Once you get past a certain amount, it’s all meaningless anyway. Like when they say a star is 115 million light-years away — you don’t stop to wonder how far that is in kilometres.
Woman 2 – Or how much fuel it would take to get there in a Ford Fiesta…
Woman 1 – What numbers did you play?
Woman 2 – My social security number.
Woman 1 – Fortune favours the bold… Imagine if we actually won.
Woman 2 – It’s a bit hard to picture, honestly.
Woman 1 – No more Mondays. No more work. 365 days of holiday a year…
Woman 2 – Yes… Leaving everything behind…
Woman 1 – Everything? What would you do if you had 115 million right now? Well, 57 and a half… (The second one looks at her.) Wait, we’re not married, are we? For better or for worse…
Woman 2 – I don’t know… You win 10,000 euros, you’re happy. You treat yourself a little. But it doesn’t really change your life. 115 million, that’s a whole different story. There’s a “before” and an “after.” You become someone else entirely. Like being born again. It’s kind of scary, isn’t it?
Woman 1 – First thing I’d do is tell my boss exactly what I think of him… then head straight to the Mercedes dealership and buy myself a car bigger than his. Winning the lottery is another way of establishing the dictatorship of the proletariat… on an individual level…
Woman 2 – Still, it must be quite a shock. Going from one day to the next with no limits to your desires. No more constraints. Just being able to do whatever you want. Anything you want…
Woman 1 – I think I could handle it.
Woman 2 – I’m not so sure… Just read the papers. So many lottery winners end up completely broke…
Woman 1 – If the worst thing that can happen after winning the lottery is going broke… then you didn’t have much to lose in the first place.
Woman 2 – And then there’s all the divorces… Do you think our relationship would survive it?
Silence.
Woman 1 – On second thought, I’m not sure… How do you give meaning to a billionaire’s life that just lands in your lap like that, by pure chance?
Woman 2 – Do you think daughters of billionaires ask themselves those kinds of metaphysical questions?
Woman 1 – Yeah, but they were born into it. They’ve had time to get used to it. They don’t know anything else. When you win the lottery, it’s all at once. One in 20 million, can you believe it?
Woman 2 – The average number of sperm in an ejaculation is 300 million.
Woman 1 – So what?
Woman 2 – So… if we’re both here, we’re already incredibly lucky. Our proletarian lives also landed in our laps by chance. Let’s just say the lottery is giving fate a second shot, to correct the fact we weren’t born with a silver spoon in our mouths.
Woman 1 – I don’t know… It scares me a bit. And it kind of suggests our current life is worthless… That it wasn’t worth living. Is that what you think? Is that why you play the lottery?
Woman 2 – What are you talking about…? And anyway, it’s the first time I’ve played. It’s just for fun.
Woman 1 – Most winners are first-timers. It’s called beginner’s luck…
Suddenly, they both look a bit anxious.
Woman 2 (tense) – They’re about to announce the results…
They stare at the screen, transfixed.
Woman 1 – Well…?
Woman 2 (checking her ticket) – Not a single number. Not even one. That’s pretty rare, you know. I’ve forgotten most of my statistics lessons, but I wonder if the odds of getting nothing at all are almost the same as hitting the jackpot.
Woman 1 – So in a way, you could say we were lucky…
They look at each other, amused and strangely relieved. A moment of tenderness.
Woman 2 – Just think, all that happiness could’ve slipped through our fingers in an instant…
Woman 1 – Gives you chills, doesn’t it…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Fear of Winning est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. A woman in smart-casual business attire – blazer with jeans – is seated at a table. She opens her briefcase and pulls out a catalogue, flipping through it while sipping her coffee. Her phone rings; she answers.
Executive – Yes… Oh, really…? Yes, yes, I’ll wait for them. No, no, I think I’m a bit early. What time exactly is the meeting?
Another woman arrives, clearly her boss, dressed in a full business suit. Phone glued to her ear, hyperactive energy, like she’s on a sugar high or something stronger. She sits at the same table.
Manager – Ten forty-five. Do you have the visuals for the new campaign?
They both continue talking into their phones, as if not seated face-to-face.
Executive – Yes, yes, absolutely. You’ll see, it’s stunning…
The executive flips to another page in the catalogue. Her manager grabs it and starts looking through it herself.
Manager – Ah, yes, this is…
Executive – It’s different..
Manager – Yes…
Executive – The creatives really did a good job.
Manager – For once, they actually came up with something creative.
The executive glances up and suddenly seems to register the absurdity of the situation, talking on the phone to her manager sitting right in front of her.
Executive – Would you like a coffee?
The manager finally looks up from the catalogue and acknowledges her directly.
Manager – Uh, no, thank you. I’ve quit coffee. It stains my teeth and makes me want to pee.
The manager now stares at her colleague with a puzzled expression, as if something about her outfit seems off. She squints slightly, trying to figure it out.
Manager – Are you… not wearing a bra?
Executive – Uh… No. Is that a problem?
Manager – No, no… Well… Don’t you usually wear one?
Executive – Since it’s Friday, I thought… you know… something more relaxed.
Manager – More relaxed?
Executive – You know… Friday wear, right…?
Manager – Friday wear…?
Executive – In the States, on Fridays, all executives dress like this. A bit less formal. Smart, but casual…
Manager – In the States…?
Executive – Without a bra.
Manager (uncomfortable) – Right…
A somewhat awkward silence.
Executive – Can I speak freely?
Manager (a little uneasy) – Speak freely? I’m starting to think I preferred you with a bra.
Executive – Our company has a bit of an outdated image, you know. All the surveys say so. We’re seen as… out of touch. I figured, along with the new catalogue, if we embraced “Friday wear”… we’d feel a bit more… connected.
The manager looks surprised. She hesitates, then decides.
Manager – You know what… you’re right.
She turns away from the audience, squirms for a moment, then turns back holding her bra.
Manager – If it’s good enough for the Yankees…
The executive is a little taken aback.
Manager (relieved) – Ah… it does feel better… Do I look cooler like this?
Executive – Much cooler.
Manager – Next time, I’ll take off my panties too…
But the manager still seems a bit worried.
Manager – Though… isn’t it a bit… considering the client?
Executive – Why? What do you mean?
Manager – Well… they do sell lingerie, don’t they?
Executive – Oh… Right! But still, it’s only on Fridays.
The director seems to give in.
Manager (relaxing a bit) – Well, I still have to take you to the client… (Pleased with her joke) Like the farmer takes the cow to the bull…
The executive frowns slightly, unsure whether it’s a joke. They both get up to leave.
Manager – So… who exactly are we meeting?
Executive – The new CEO.
Manager – The new one?
Executive – The last one committed suicide. Last Friday. Didn’t you hear?
Manager – Oh my God… No. What a horrible idea.
Executive – She hanged herself. From her office balcony. With the strap of her bra, actually…
Manager – Well… that’s quality material. Must’ve been strong… to hold that kind of weight.
The executive looks a little disturbed by how calm her boss seems.
Manager – I’m kidding. I thought we were being chill today, weren’t we?
They exit.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Friday wear est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. At a table sits a woman who looks like a corporate executive. A blonde girl, student-type, arrives. The woman stands up and shakes her hand.
Woman – Please, take a seat… (A little surprised) So, you’re Miss…?
Young – Ben Salah. Fatima Ben Salah…
Woman – That’s right… And… you’re blonde…
Young – Yes, I know, people often mention it. Actually, it comes from my great-grandfather… But usually, it puts employers at ease. When I manage to get to the interview, of course. Is it a problem?
Woman – Not at all…
Young – The ad said you were looking for a salesperson…?
Woman – For insurance premiums, yes. We sell funeral plans. It’s a very saturated market already. We’re recruiting someone to canvass in the suburbs.
Young – Why not a blonde?
Woman – For door-to-door in certain neighbourhoods… we figured a blonde would… well, stir up less empathy.
Young (handing her a sheet) – I’ve got a record, you know! I mean… a CV.
Woman – You have to be very persuasive to sell this kind of product. When people don’t even know how they’ll pay their rent at the end of the month, they’re not exactly thinking over coffee about taking out a 50-year loan to fund their final resting place…
Young – That’s for sure…
Woman – We started out in publishing. That wasn’t easy either. Selling a 28-volume encyclopaedia to people who, for the most part, couldn’t read.
Young – Well, there are still pictures in encyclopaedias…
Woman – Then we tried a bit of supplementary health insurance. But with the competition… No, funeral plans are still what sells best today. That’s where the future is.
Young – You’re not sure to get sick, but you’re definitely going to die. Everyone. Even the illiterate.
Woman – This isn’t somekind of testing operation, is it?
Young – Sorry…?
Woman – You didn’t dye your hair blonde just to accuse us of discrimination later on?
Young – Don’t worry. I’m a natural blonde.
Woman – We’re not racist, you know. It’s just that in this case… we were planning to have you develop a new market. What we call, in our jargon, the “halal funeral plan.” A booming sector. The logical result of the major immigration wave of the 1950s.
Young – I can do an Arabic accent.
Woman – You can?
Young – With a little refresher course…
Woman – Do you think it would work?
Young – If I wear a djellaba…
The woman reflects.
Woman – Well… You’ve convinced me. When you’re applying for a sales job, you’ve got to start by selling yourself. And believe me, selling me a blonde wasn’t easy. (Standing) Well done! I’m taking you on trial.
Young – Thank you.
Woman – And if it goes well, in three months, you’ll get a permanent plot…
Young – Do you mean a permanent contract?
Woman (rising with a satisfied smile) – It’s nice to see young people who still want to work!
They leave.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Job Interview est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

At the bar the owner and a customer.
Owner –So, did you pass?
Customer – Just scraped through.
Owner – Your parents must have been thrilled.
Customer – They didn’t say anything, anyway.
Owner – Some people just don’t talk much.
Customer – I wish, just once in my life, my parents had told me they were proud of me. Even if it wasn’t true. Don’t you?
Owner – What I wish is that I could have told my parents I was proud of them…
Customer – Do you have kids?
Owner – No. And I’m not sure they would have been proud of me…
Customer – Why’s that?
Owner – So, your parents didn’t kill you…
Customer – No. But that’s when the real trouble started.
Owner – Did you struggle to find a job after finishing your studies?
Customer – I ended up finding one. A basic job, as they say.
Owner – Still better than working the streets.
Customer – Maybe… High school ends your innocence. But that first job, that’s like losing your virginity. You realise you’re properly screwed. You know it only hurts the first time, and you’ll get used to it. But deep down, you suspect it’ll take a hell of a lot of imagination to ever enjoy it… What was it like for you?
Owner – Losing my virginity?
Customer – Your first job! What did you do before going into business for yourself?
Owner – I used to work the street.
Customer – Ah… So you do know what I mean.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Barely Passed est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A bar. A table where two teenage girls are seated. Both are looking out the window toward the audience.
One – What are all those pigeons doing here?
Two (distracted) – What?
One – The pigeons! Why are they only in the city? (The other looks preoccupied with something else.) They’re not really pets. I mean, not like dogs or cats. They’re birds. They’re free, they’re not in cages, and they can fly. They could just leave.
Two – Where would they go?
One – I don’t know. To the countryside. Why don’t they just fly off to the countryside, all those pigeons?
Two – To the countryside…? There’s nothing for them to peck at in the countryside…
One – They make me feel sick, just watching them.
Two (distracted) – Yeah…
One – Look, they’re coprophiles.
Two – Huh?
One – Didn’t you see what they were eating?
Two – What?
One – Dog shit…
Two (glancing, not too interested) – Oh… right…
One – Isn’t that what they call an ecosystem?
Two – Why do they stay here eating crap when they could be eating cherries in the countryside?
One – Cherry season isn’t all year round. (Her phone rings, she answers) Yes… Yes… Yes… Okay.
She hangs up.
Two – So?
One – They haven’t posted the results yet…
Two – What if we didn’t pass?
One – I’d rather not think about it… Why would we not pass?
Two – I don’t know. Fear of winning. Like a show horse that refuses the jump at the last second. Happens to the best champions.
One – Wait, we’re not horses. And besides, high school exams aren’t a competition. It’s like the driving test. Just because a lot of people pass it doesn’t mean you’re less likely to.
Two – Yeah well, precisely. I’ve already failed the driving test twice…
One – If I fail, I’m dead. My parents would kill me. They stuck me in this Catholic school because they had a 100% success rate. It costs them a full wage every month. If I don’t pay them back…
Two – However, there have been years when it was 99%.So someone can fail, now and then. It’s rare, but it can happen.
One – I don’t know… I don’t know… Maybe the guy missed his train…
The phone rings. The first answers immediately.
One – Yes… Yes… Yes… Okay…
She hangs up, her face unreadable.
Two – Well?
One – They’ve just released the results.
Two (tense) – And then?
No longer pretending, the second bursts into joy.
One – We passed! Damn it, we passed, I’m telling you!
They both hug.
Two – You shouldn’t have strung me along like that. My heart’s beating a hundred miles an hour.
One – You mean a hundred a minute. If it were a hundred an hour, you’d be dead already.
Two – What grade did we get?
One – Wait, it’s already good news… Don’t ask for a miracle. Oh god… We’ll have to celebrate…
Two – Yes… Although, everyone has their high school diploma now…
One – Mmm… That’s when the real trouble starts.
Two – Come on… Life is beautiful! It’s summer!
They leave.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Pigeons est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A customer arrives. Before entering, she takes a final drag of her cigarette. The customer stands in front of the bar.
Owner – What can I get for you?
Customer – I don’t know… I don’t fancy anything…
Owner – Nothing? Sorry, that’s not on the menu.
Customer – I just feel like throwing myself under a train.
Owner – This isn’t the right place for that. This isn’t a train station, love. So if you want to stay, you’ll have to order something.
Customer – Fine, what do you recommend?
Owner – If you fancy it, I have house sangria.
Customer – I’m not sure… What else do you have?
Owner – A while ago, you didn’t know what to have, and now you find there’s not enough choice?
Customer – Well then I’ll have… a beer. When you have suicidal thoughts, beer seems quite appropriate, doesn’t it?
Owner – What kind of beer?
Customer – Death & Taxes
Owner – I don’t do craft beer.
Customer – What do you have?
Owner – Draught beer.
Customer – What kind of draught beer?
Owner – Regular draught…
Customer – Is that all?
Owner – A moment ago, you didn’t know what to have, and now you think there’s not enough choice?
Customer – A regular draught will be just fine.
Owner – What people come looking for here isn’t beer, you know. They have beer at home in the fridge.
Customer – You’re right. They probably come here looking for a bit of human warmth…
Owner – Doesn’t matter how it’s served, as long as it hits.
Customer – A half-pint then. No, two…
The owner serves her two half-pints.
Owner – Here you go… Two halves…
Customer – Two halves. That makes a whole… At least that’s what I learned in school…
Owner – You’re a funny one, aren’t you… Are you waiting for someone?
Customer – If I were waiting for my other half, I’d go sit at one of those tables and fix myself up. I wouldn’t be here, standing, dishevelled, talking to myself.
Owner – Thanks.
The customer pushes the second half-pint towards the owner.
Customer – You’re different. (They clink glasses.) A bar owner’s like a shrink, a priest or a prostitute. You can tell them everything, but you can’t ask them anything. Especially not if they have issues with their mother, or if they also have dark thoughts sometimes…
Owner – Do you have issues with your mother?
Customer – Do you ever have dark thoughts?
Owner – That’s none of your business!
Customer – Ah, you see…
Owner – Did you come here looking for trouble?
Customer – I came looking for inspiration.
Owner – Oh really…?
Customer – Poets often go to bars to find inspiration. Didn’t you know?
Owner (ironically) – Yes, of course. All my customers are poets.
Customer – They say that every day in this country, two bars close down. It was in the paper this morning.
Owner – I don’t read newspapers.
Customer – But you sell them!
Owner – I sell pipes too. And I don’t smoke.
Customer – Where will poets go for inspiration when all the bars have been replaced by McDonald’s?
Owner – Let them go to hell.
Customer – Believe me, when fast food takes over every corner, poets will be left writing airport fiction.
Owner – Is that why you want to throw yourself under a train?
Customer – Or maybe because I’m afraid I won’t find inspiration.
Owner – Do you really think it’s here that you’ll find something to tell?
Customer – If counters could talk, they’d have plenty to say, wouldn’t they?
Owner – Sure… But I don’t know who would be interested.
Customer – You know, it was in a bar like this one that I found out my exam results.
Owner – No kidding…
Customer – Exams… They’re milestones in life, aren’t they? Rites of passage…
Owner – I don’t know… I don’t even have a driver’s license. I think the only licence I’ll ever get is a burial one.
Customer – I could tell my life story… Or yours…?
Owner – Can you make money telling your life story? All my customers do that for free…
Customer – Money? Not much…
Owner – Peanuts?
Customer – Yes, more or less.
Owner – No, I mean… Do you want peanuts? With your two halves…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Two Halves est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two women enter the bar with some hesitation. They glance around the room and approach the bar, behind which the owner stands, stoic, wiping wine glasses.
One – What will you have?
Two – I’m not sure…
One – Red? White?
Two – White…
One – Two glasses of white wine, please.
Owner – We’re out of white.
One – Well… Red, then…
Owner – Two glasses of red coming up.
The owner serves them the two glasses.
One – Let’s sit down while there are still free tables.
Two – Good idea.
The two women sit at a table with their glasses. The first takes a sip and grimaces.
One – Not sure we made the right choice…
Two – About the show?
One – About the wine, at least…
The second woman sips her glass.
Two – Oh dear… Definitely not Château Margaux.
One – What exactly is this event?
Two – I wasn’t too sure… (She pulls a flyer from her bag.) “Little Glasses and Great Wine.” It was free. Probably a cabaret night or something…
One – Cabaret? There isn’t even a stage…
Two – Maybe a one-man show?
One – Or a two-women show, who knows.
Two – You’re right. For the moment, we’re the only ones in the room.
One – “Little glasses and Great wine”… Let’s see… (She checks the brochure.) Wait a minute ! It doesn’t say glasses, it says verses!
Two – Verses?
One – Tiny poems! Bloody hell! It’s a poetry night!
Two (grabs the flyer and checks) – Shit, you’re right!
One – How tragic misunderstandings can arise from dyslexia…
Two – No wonder it was free…
One – Poetry… I knew it was a trap.
Two – I think it’s time to make ourselves scarce…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection At the Bar Counter
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Poetry Night est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.