Magda is sweeping the floor. Edward arrives in a three-piece suit.
Edward – Oh, Magda… Just the person I was looking for…
Magda stops sweeping.
Magda – Sir?
Edward – How long have you been sweeping for us, Magda?
Magda – I don’t know, Sir. I don’t keep track. Are you unsatisfied with my work?
Edward – Quite the contrary, I wanted to congratulate you. Are you familiar with our bank’s motto?
Magda – We sweep it all under the carpet?
Edward – That’s right! Excellent, Magda! And thanks to you, the carpets of the Union Credit are always spotless. And you could say bank’s carpets are a reflection of the bank’s reputation. If the carpets aren’t spotless, clients might start to think that…
Magda – The banker might be dirty as well…
Edward – Exactly! You get it, Magda.
Magda – May I get back to work, Sir?
Edward – Not just quite yet, Magda…
Magda – Alright…
Edward clears his throat.
Edward – As you know, Magda… my dear Magda… I would even say, my very dear Magda… we are living in trying times.
Magda – Are we, Sir?
Edward – We are in a financial crisis, Magda! Even if you don’t read the financial press every day you must have heard about it? Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, you’re Russian, aren’t you, Magda?
Magda – Polish, Sir…
Edward – That’s even better! I mean, worse… Poland is in an even more catastrophic financial situation. Don’t tell me you hadn’t heard?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – Anyway, we’re in a recession, and the financial sector is the first affected by the global loss of values…
Magda – Values…
Edward – I’m talking about stock and bond values, of course, but believe me, Magda, it’s a very small step from economic depression to plain old depression. When the stock market is slow, so is morale. And when morale is low, moral crisis comes knocking.
Magda – Yes, Sir…
Edward – Take yourself for example, Magda, don’t tell me you’re not a little depressed?
Magda – I’m doing fine, Sir, thank you for asking…
Edward – Don’t take this the wrong way, Magda, but your appearance, the way you’re standing there, with your broom… You don’t exactly scream joie de vivre!
Magda – I might be a little tired at the moment… Endlessly sweeping things under the carpet…
Edward – Never mind, my point is, Magda, that our bank is, of course, also affected by all those financial troubles… and we need to cut costs. You understand that, don’t you?
Magda – Yes, Sir…
Edward – With nothing but your wellbeing in mind, the Union Credit has had to take a series of drastic, yet painful, measures in order to maintain your position. A position whose continued existence was, I am now free to reveal, gravely threatened.
Magda – Thank you, Sir…
Edward – I therefore have the pleasure to let you know that you are still employed.
Magda – I’m working off the books, Sir…
Edward – Regardless, you’ll still be able to continue sweeping our floors for the foreseeable future. And who knows? Maybe one day I’ll let you sweep under the carpet in the Director’s office.
Magda – I live in hope, Sir…
Edward – Obviously, the Union Credit expects you to meet us halfway in our efforts to maintain the number of jobs in this country. As you know, unemployment leads to the loss of spending power, no spending power leads to a loss of consumer confidence, and without consumer confidence there’s no jobs… and the vicious circle of stagflation is closed. Are you following me?
Magda – I’m trying, Sir…
Edward – I realise this is going way over your head, of course, my poor Magda, but you can trust me… Here, I’ll make it simple for you… In exchange for you keeping your job, the Union Credit is also giving you a salary reduction of thirty per cent. I think you’ll find this offer more than fair.
Magda – Thirty per cent?
Edward – It’s a little less than a third.
Magda – A third less?
Edward – Well yes, not a third more, obviously. In these trying times even cleaning jobs are few and far between, Magda. Soon you’ll need a Master’s Degree just to apply for a job sweeping floors, even off the books! And then you’ll be competing against those who benefit from nepotism or a quick chat on the casting couch… Do you have a Master’s Degree, Magda?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – I imagine you don’t have anyone you can rely on for some good old nepotism?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – As for the casting couch, my dear Magda, no offence but the odds aren’t in your favour… But what can you do…? People can’t help the way they look… It’s the great lottery of life… Even the Union Credit can’t change that… Some people are born in Switzerland with double-barrelled names and attractive physiques, while others… Anyway, you’ll agree that our offer is very generous… What do you think?
Magda – What do I think, Sir?
Edward – Yes Magda… It isn’t necessary that you have an opinion on this matter, but I will still listen to you nonetheless. We are still a democracy, if nothing else…
Magda actually seems to be thinking about it.
Magda – What do I think…
Edward – You must be thinking something…
Magda – What I think…? (Magda raises her broom to strike Edward). I’ll show you what I think, Sir!
Edward – Magda? Have you lost your mind?
Magda chases Edward with her broom backstage into the wings.
Edward – Magda, please, calm down! This is just a first offer! The bank is also a big supporter of labour relations…
We hear Edward’s cries coming from the wings.
Edward – Ow… Ouch… Twenty per cent?
Magda – I’ll give you twenty per cent more of this! 
Edward – Ten per cent?
Magda – Ten per cent raise?
Edward – Well, I mean…
They both come back on stage. Magda is keeping Edward in check with her broom, ready to strike again.
Edward – Very well Magda… Knowing how and when to end a negotiation is a skill and I can see your counter offer is not negotiable… We have a deal… The Union Credit agrees to your request for a ten per cent raise…
Magda – Very well, Sir.
Edward – Having said that, I like your tough negotiating style… At the bank we like to leverage our employees’ strengths… And you, Magda, have quite a strong personality…
Magda – Thank you, Sir…
Edward – Would you be interested in a training session, paid for by the bank of course, to allow you to join our repo team? Like I said, we’re in a financial crisis and there’s more and more clients defaulting on their payments…
She shoots him a dark glance. He retreats cautiously.
Edward – Let’s not talk about it anymore, Magda. I’ll let you get back to work…
Magda – Thank you, Sir.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Sidewalk Chronicles
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Good Sweep est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character arrives, disoriented. He glances at the map in his hand and then notices something on the ground. Intrigued, he picks it up: it’s a banknote. He examines it curiously. Another character arrives. The first character addresses the second.
One – Excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to…?
Two (interrupting) – Sorry, I don’t have any change.
One – Oh no, I’m not begging… On the contrary… I wanted to ask if you happened to lose a banknote?
The other, surprised, stops and softens a bit.
Two – A banknote? It depends… How much is it?
The first character glances at the banknote.
One – Five hundred.
Two – Oh, really… Wait, let me check… (He pretends to search his pockets.) I… Well, maybe… A five-hundred-euro banknote, you said?
The other examines the banknote.
One – Yes, five hundred… Oh no, wait…
Two – It’s not a five-hundred banknote?
One – Well, it is, but it’s a five-hundred-franc banknote!
Two – Francs? You mean… the old francs?
One – Oh no, the new ones… Well… The francs from before, you know… The old francs don’t exist anymore, right?
Two – The new francs don’t exist anymore either… Let me see…
The other hands him the banknote.
Two – Oh yes, five hundred francs. A Pascal, as they used to say back then… It’s been a while since I’ve seen one… When they were in circulation, I didn’t see them often either…
One – Pascal… Wasn’t he a philosopher?
Two – I think he was a mathematician…
One – Ah yes! Pascal’s Wager!
Two – Five hundred francs…
One – How much is that in euros?
Two – About a hundred euros, right? Something like that…
One – So, it’s not yours… Do you think we can still exchange them?
Two – At the Bank of France, you mean? Oh, I don’t think so… (He hands back the banknote.) I’m not even sure the Bank of France still exists.
One – You think?
Two – Nowadays, with Europe…
One – Still, the Bank of France…
A third character arrives, seemingly looking for something. The other two look at him, intrigued.
One – Are you looking for something?
Three – Yes, I think I lost a hundred euros, you know…
Two – A hundred euros?
One – And you’re not sure? It seems to me that if I lost a hundred euros…
Three – Well, you see… I went to the ATM, that much I know… I withdrew a hundred euros, as usual… But I can’t find them… Maybe they fell out of my pocket… You haven’t found them, by any chance?
One – A hundred euros? No…
Three – Or maybe I forgot to take them…
Two – What do you mean, forgot?
Three – Before, it was my credit card that I forgot in the ATM. I would take the money and forget the card… Now, I make sure to take my card back… But sometimes, I forget to take the banknotes…
One – In that case, the machine would swallow them, right?
Three – Yes… Unless someone took them before…
Two – Or the wind carried them away.
One – It’s true, it’s windy today.
Two – The wind carries away the dead leaves…
The first character shows the banknote he found.
One – Banknotes too…
Three – Did you find my hundred euros?
One – This is what I just picked up from the ground.
He hands him the five-hundred-franc banknote.
Three – A five-hundred franc banknote…
Two – It can’t be yours.
Three – It’s still curious, you know…
One – What?
Three – Five hundred francs… that’s roughly a hundred euros, isn’t it?
Two – But come on… how could your hundred euro banknote turn into a five-hundred franc banknote?
Three – Yeah… especially since mine were two fifty-euro banknotes.
One – How do you know that? You’re not even sure you didn’t forget them in the ATM.
Three – You’re right… But hundred euro banknotes are quite rare, aren’t they?
Two – Nowadays, less rare than five-hundred franc banknotes.
One – By what miracle could two fifty-euro banknotes turn into a five-hundred franc banknote?
Two – Personally, I don’t believe in miracles… And turning two fifty-euro banknotes into an even non-exchangeable five-hundred franc banknote, that’s quite a miracle…
Three – Especially since, in reality, a hundred euros is 655 francs and 96 centimes… rounding it a bit… So, I’m losing more than 155 francs in this operation…
One – Oh yes, we’re far from the multiplication of loaves, that’s for sure…
They remain perplexed for a moment.
Two – Or maybe, it’s from the ATM…
Three – What do you mean?
Two – You say you didn’t check the banknotes. You’re not even sure you took them.
Three – So what?
Two – Maybe the ATM gave you a five-hundred franc banknote instead of two fifty-euro banknotes.
Three – You think? But that’s theft!
Two – Maybe it’s malfunctioning.
One – But if you didn’t take the banknotes, the ATM swallowed them.
Three – Who knows… Some ATMs might not swallow…
Two – Especially when you try to make them swallow banknotes that are no longer valid.
Three – But you say the ATM gave me this five-hundred franc banknote! So the bank gives me an expired banknote, and then the ATM refuses to swallow it?
Two – It’s true that it’s a bit hard to swallow…
One – Maybe it swallowed it and then spat it out.
Three – In any case, I have the unpleasant feeling that, in this story, I got screwed.
Two – It’s a bit the feeling we all have when leaving our bank, isn’t it?
Three – An ATM suddenly handing out francs… It doesn’t make sense, does it?
One – I don’t know… Do you see any other explanation?
Another perplexed silence.
One – They wouldn’t have gone back to the franc without telling us, would they?
Two – It’s true, it’s been a while since I listened to the news…
Three – Still… Going back to the franc… We may be a bit absent-minded… but we’re not talking about missing the switch to daylight saving time here…
Two – I do have another hypothesis, but it’s a bit creepy…
One – Go on…
Two – What if we took a leap into the past…
Three – A leap?
One – You mean… like in a science fiction movie? We were projected backward in time… before the euro era.
Three – Are you joking? And really, time travel… If it’s just to go back to the franc era… What a movie…
Two – I didn’t say it was a good movie… It might just be a bad nightmare…
One – It’s simple, let’s just look at the money we have in our pockets…
Three – I have nothing… I was going to the ATM, actually…
Two – I left without my wallet… I just took out the trash…
One – I have some change in my pocket…
He searches his pocket and takes out a coin.
One – Ah, here it is… A one euro coin…
Three – Phew…
Two – Let me see? (He examines it.) It’s a ten franc coin…
One – No?
The third examines the coin in turn.
Three – Oh yes, really… It looks a lot like a one euro coin… but it’s indeed a ten franc coin.
Two – I think something really unusual is happening here…
One – Let’s not panic… Maybe they gave me this ten franc coin by mistake at the bakery… It happens…
Two – Still… It’s starting to look like a set of presumptions, as they say in detective series…
A fourth character arrives.
Four – Excuse me for bothering you; I know this will sound strange, but you haven’t found a five-hundred franc banknote, by any chance?
The three others look at him suspiciously.
One – Allow me to ask you a question… What year is it?
Four – But… we’re still in 2024, I think… Until December 31, at least…
Two – So, in 2024, you’re walking around with a five-hundred franc banknote? Do you realise that?
One – It’s true, we were worried sick!
Three – For a moment, we thought we had taken a big leap backward. Like in that movie… Back to the Past…
Four – Isn’t it Back to the Future, the movie?
Two – Yes, well, that’s not the issue.
Four – I’m sorry; I… I didn’t mean to…
Two – No, but it’s a crazy world, nonetheless…
One – Here’s your five-hundred franc banknote!
Three – But what are you going to do with that?
Four – Well… I was actually going to a numismatist…
Three – A numismatist?
Four – For coins and collectible banknotes, you see…
One – I see…
Four – I found this banknote at home, in a book that belonged to my grandfather.
Two – The kind of grandfather who uses banknotes as bookmarks…
One – Well, it’s less messy than oily sardines.
Four – So, I checked online to see what it’s worth today.
Two – How much?
Four – A hundred euros! Can you believe it? Back when it was still exchangeable, it was worth only seventy-six…
Three – Oh yes, that’s… Your grandpa was quite clever, in the end.
One – Yes, that’s what we call a bet on the future… With this Pascal, your grandfather made you win about twenty-four euros.
Four – How much is twenty-four euros in francs?
Three – Approximately 157 francs and 43 centimes…
Four – Wow… Well… Thanks, anyway… Luckily, there are still honest people like you…
The remaining three watch the fourth person leave.
Three – That still doesn’t tell me where my hundred euros went in all this…
The other two look at him.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Sidewalk Chronicles
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Pascal’s Wager est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A man and a woman arrive.
Gina – You don’t smoke anymore?
Alan – No, I’ve quit.
Gina – That’s good.
Alan prepares a line of cocaine and snorts it.
Alan – Instead, I’ve gone back to cocaine.
Alan exits. Gina remains. Blanca arrives.
Blanca – Hi.
Gina – Hi.
Blanca – I can’t quit smoking.
Gina – Me neither.
Blanca – It’s the job. It stresses me out, so I smoke to unwind.
Gina – It’s the job you should quit.
Blanca – Sure. But I wonder if I wouldn’t have even more trouble quitting work.
Gina – Work is a hard drug. It should be banned.
Blanca – Yes. What about you? What do you do?
Gina – Litigation… (Seeing Blanca’s puzzled look) Debt collection, that sort of thing.
Blanca – Cool. Do you like it?
Gina – Since I was a child, I’ve dreamed of harassing poor over-indebted people and extorting their last savings to pay off their credit for things they don’t need.
Blanca – I see…
Gina – And you? Do you also work to make humanity happy?
Blanca – Bank advisor… It should be illegal to call people who are salespeople “bank advisors.” We’re not here to give advice; we’re here to sell products.
Gina – Yes… My internet provider calls me every evening to check if I need anything… In fact, he’s the only one who does…
Blanca – Have you seen the number of home services companies springing up now next to electronic cigarette shops?
Gina – What are home services?
Blanca – Housekeeping, cooking, conversation…
Gina – So now, to talk to someone, you have to pay.
Blanca – Don’t worry, with me it’s free. For now.
Gina – We’re living in strange times…
Blanca – Well, I have to get back to work. Thank you; talking with you has lifted my spirits.
They leave.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Ministry of Planning est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.