Two characters (men or women) are there, looking perplexed.
One – Do you think we were any good tonight?
Two – They clapped, didn’t they?
One – Yes… half-heartedly…
Two – True. A far cry from a standing ovation.
One – The audience got up as one at the end, but… mostly just to leave faster.
Two – There wasn’t even a curtain call.
One – True. We came back on stage anyway, but no one applauded.
Two – They were too busy grabbing their coats or climbing over stragglers to get out.
One – If the place had been on fire, they couldn’t have left faster.
Two – Maybe we shouldn’t have come back on.
One – That fake curtain call was a bit pathetic, to be honest. There we were, bowing like a pair of idiots, while no one was even looking.
A pause.
Two – Did you notice? During the play, they didn’t laugh at the bits where they were supposed to.
One – Yeah. And sometimes they laughed when nothing was funny.
Two – Some nights, the audience just has no talent.
One – Last night’s were better, weren’t they?
Two – Yes, more responsive.
One – Tonight’s lot must’ve come in from the suburbs.
Two – I’d say far-out suburbs.
One – That’s probably why they were in such a rush to leave. Didn’t want to miss the last train.
Two – No, they were truly dreadful tonight.
One – We should be allowed to choose our audience.
Two – The audience gets to choose what they come and see, so why can’t we choose who gets to see us?
One – Although… we can’t exactly interview every potential spectator before selling them a ticket. We’d never get through them all.
Two – True. And as it is, not that many people come to the theatre these days.
One – Yeah, we can’t afford to be picky. We take what we get.
A pause.
Two – Still, I thought they had a certain attentiveness about them, didn’t you?
One – Yes. They didn’t react much, but you could feel… an attentiveness.
Two – Just because people don’t laugh out loud at every line doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy the play.
One – Some people are just quieter than others.
Two – And the fewer of them there are, the quieter they seem.
One – Yeah. And there were only about twenty of them.
Two – Seventeen, I think…
One – Well, they were very quiet.
Two –That must be it. They found it funny — they just didn’t want to laugh out loud. Out of politeness.
One – You’re right. Maybe they loved it, actually.
Two – Yeah. But still, there was no curtain call.
One – No.
Two – And no applause when we came back out anyway.
One – Maybe they didn’t see us.
Two – Maybe they didn’t want to keep us.
One – In case we had a train to catch.
Two – Actually, that’s true – we’d better not hang about or we’ll miss ours.
One – We live in the suburbs too, after all.
Two – What actor can afford to live in the city centre these days?
One – In the end, all these suburbanites – they’re our audience.
Two – At the very least, they’re our neighbours.
One – I think I even recognised one or two.
Two – Nice of them to come.
A pause.
One – Do you think one day we’ll be replaced by artificial intelligence?
Two – Who knows… AI’s already replaced subtitlers, then voice-over artists – why not actors next?
One – And the day after that… the audience.
Two – Might actually make them more intelligent.
One – And we’ll be out of a job.
Two – Robots performing a play in front of other robots.
One – Do you think they’ll laugh?
Two – If it’s robot humour.
One – What does a robot find funny?
Two – Replacing us, probably. That ought to give them a good laugh.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Encore est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character (man or woman) is there. Another arrives (also gender-neutral).
Two – You look awful… Are you alright?
One – It’s the scene where I die…
Two – Sorry?
One – The scene we’re about to perform. It’s the one where my character dies of a pulmonary embolism.
Two – OK… And has your doctor diagnosed you with a risk of pulmonary embolism? I mean in real life…
One – No. Not that I know of.
Two – So?
One – I don’t know… Dying on stage always gets to me. Doesn’t it affect you?
Two – No.
One – OK, I’m only pretending, but… What if I actually died for real?
Two – Are you feeling unwell?
One – No, no, I’m fine, but… I feel such a strong connection with my character… What if, in the moment they die, I die with them?
Two – That would be taking your craft a bit far. Even at the Actors Studio, they never expected actors to identify with their characters to the point of dying on cue.
One – I know it’s irrational, but I’m scared to death.
Two – Theatre isn’t the bloody Colosseum. We don’t swap out actors every time someone gets stabbed or eaten by a lion. In theatre, the swords are wooden and the lions are cardboard.
One – You never know… All it takes is once…
Two – Exactly. And this is the fourth show. Your character has already died three times. He dies every night at around ten thirty-five. And yet, here you are.
One – That must be it, then. Fourth show syndrome.
Two – Fourth show syndrome? What’s that supposed to be?
One – Molière died after the fourth performance of The Imaginary Invalid. And do you know what he died of?
Two – The lung.
One – Exactly. The lung.
Two – Yes, well… we’re not in the seventeenth century anymore.
One – You think people don’t die of pulmonary embolisms these days?
Two – They do. But at least actors don’t get excommunicated anymore. You’ll get a proper burial among good Christians.
One – That’s a comfort, thanks…
Two – I’m joking. But I didn’t know you were so superstitious.
One – I should just stop playing characters who die, that’s all.
Two – In every tragedy, the hero dies at the end. Doesn’t leave you many options.
One – Then I’ll only do comedies.
Two – The Imaginary Invalid is a comedy. Argan isn’t meant to die in the end. And yet Molière still died playing him.
One – You’re right. I’d better give up comedy too.
Two – If you give up tragedy and comedy, what’s left for you in theatre?
One – Film.
Two – People don’t die in films?
One – At least you only die once. In theatre, you die every night.
Two – Even in film, it depends.
One – What do you mean, it depends?
Two – If they get the shot in one take, you only die once. But if they do multiple takes…
One – Right…
Two – If they do four, you could still die on the fourth. Like Molière…
One – I’ll try to get it right first time, then.
Two – That’s optimistic…
One – I know…
Two – Or there’s always television.
One – Television?
Two – On telly, it’s low-budget. They can’t afford to do lots of takes. Usually the first take is the one they keep.
One – Television? Me? I’d rather die.
The other checks their watch.
Two – Well, perfect timing. That’s our cue. Ready?
One – OK…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Scared to Death est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are there, waiting for something.
One – You don’t look well. Got stage fright?
Two – No, I’ve gone blank…
One – What do you mean, blank? Memory lapse? We haven’t even started yet…
Two – I can’t remember which play we’re supposed to be doing.
One – It’s Sunday. Don’t we do Hamlet on Sundays?
Two – Yes, but we do two shows on Sundays. Matinee and evening. Hamlet and A Streetcar Named Desire.
One – Matinee’s Hamlet, evening is Streetcar, right?
Two – That’s just it, I’m not sure anymore.
One – Well now I’m doubting it too.
Two – We’re doing so many plays. I’m in thirteen at the moment.
One – I’m in fifteen.
Two – And we know all the lines, down to a T.
One – It’s just that, right now, I’ve got no idea which one we’re meant to be doing.
Two – Hamlet, or not Hamlet?
One – That is the question.
Two – What time is it exactly?
One – No idea. I had a quick nap and my watch stopped.
Two – I left mine at home.
One – But are we doing the matinee or the evening show?
Two – Not a clue… I haven’t seen daylight in ages.
One – If it’s the evening show, we must have already done one. We should know which.
Two – I’m doing three a day at the moment. One at 3pm, one at 7, and one at 10.
One – Same here. I even do a children’s show at 10 in the morning.
We hear the bell that signals to the actors they’ll be going onstage shortly.
Two – Too late to ask what play we’re doing now. Did you hear the bell? We’re on in one minute.
One – But the audience… they know what they came to see.
Two – Of course. So what do we do?
One – Here’s my suggestion. We go on. We do the first two lines of Hamlet, and watch the audience’s faces. If they look surprised, we switch to Streetcar.
Two – You think…?
One – Let’s give it a shot.
Two – OK.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
A pause.
One – They look surprised, don’t they?
Two – OK. Let’s switch to A Streetcar Named Desire…
One – Let’s go back to the beginning and pick it up from there, alright?
Two – OK.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
One – Hey there, Stella, baby!
Two – Don’t holler at me like that. Hi, Mitch.
A pause.
One – Yeah, it flows quite well.
Two – It could work.
One – And if they still look surprised?
Two – I don’t know.
One – We could alternate the lines.
Two – Alternate the lines?
One – One line from Hamlet, one line from Streetcar, and so on.
Two – We can try.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Hey there, Stella, baby!
One – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
Two – Don’t holler at me like that. Hi, Mitch.
A pause.
Two – Yeah… But the play’s going to be twice as long.
One – Two plays for the price of one. Who’s going to complain?
Two – True.
One – And in the evening?
Two – Same thing, but we start with the other play.
One – That’ll probably give a whole new meaning to both masterpieces.
Two – We’ve just invented the theatrical exquisite corpse, haven’t we?
The bell rings again.
One – This time, we’ve got to go.
Two – So we’re starting with A Streetcar Named Desire…
One – Didn’t we say Hamlet…?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Exquisite Corpse est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are there, looking puzzled.
One – I’m not quite sure how to play this character. What about you?
Two – It’s not easy.
One – That’s normal. You need time to make the role your own.
Two – Yeah. To really get under the character’s skin.
One – That’s what the crew never seems to understand.
Two – Sometimes not even the director.
One – We’re not machines, are we?
Two – Exactly.
A pause.
One – How many times have we done that take now?
Two – Twenty-seven, I think.
One – Blimey – that many?
Two – When it doesn’t want to happen…
One – The director seemed a bit on edge, didn’t he?
Two – Yeah…
One – When the director’s tense, it doesn’t exactly help the actors relax.
Two – Apparently he’d have preferred us to know our lines before turning up on set.
One – Yeah, well… I don’t work like that. Do you?
Two – No, me neither.
One – I need to feel the character first. The words come later.
Two – Obviously.
One – As if it were improvised, you know?
Two – Otherwise it doesn’t feel natural.
One – Exactly.
Two – That’s what the Nouvelle Vague directors used to advocate, wasn’t it?
One – Godard left lots of room for improvisation.
Two – Truffaut too, I think.
A pause.
One – Did you get what he meant when he said, “Play it like your life depends on it”?
Two – I think he actually said, “Play it like your future depends on it.”
One – You sure?
Two – I’m not entirely sure I understood it.
One – What’s that supposed to mean, anyway…?
Two – Well… There are two ways of looking at it.
One – Oh yeah?
Two – If it’s “play it like your life depends on it”, it could mean acting with a real sense of urgency.
One – I see… Like it’s life or death.
Two – Exactly.
One – And the other way?
Two – If it’s “play it like your future depends on it”, it could mean…
One – What?
Two – “You lot are crap. You’d better pull your bloody socks up or you’ve got no future in this series.”
One – Oh, right…
Two – Yeah.
One – So you think it was more the second one?
Two – Yeah.
One – OK.
Two – Maybe we should run through it again.
One – Yeah… I reckon we’d better actually learn our lines.
Two – I know it’s not very professional… but still…
One – If our lives depend on it.
Two – Or at least our future in the business.
One – Actually, what he said really helped.
Two – Yeah…
One – A sense of urgency… Yeah, that’s it. We’ll play it with a sense of urgency.
Two – I’m sure take twenty-eight will be the one.
One – Me too, I’ve got a good feeling about it.
Two – Good direction makes all the difference.
One – That’s how you spot a great director.
Two – Too right.
One – Right then, shall we run it again?
Two – OK. With the script in hand, then.
One – Better for now.
They both take out a sheet of paper.
Two – Here we go…
One (reading) – Hello, a coffee, please.
Two – Just a black coffee?
One – Black, yes. Like my mood… My wife just left me. And she took the coffee maker.
Two – I’ll make it a double. On the house.
One – Thanks.
Two – Come on, don’t worry…
One – Do you think she’ll come back?
Two – No, but… maybe she’ll return the coffee maker.
They put down their sheets.
One – I’ve got a good feeling this time, don’t you?
Two – Yeah. I’m really in character now.
One – Shall we go again?
Two – We’re gonna smash it, mate. Just watch…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Directing Actors est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is waiting. Another arrives.
Two – Hi.
One – Hi.
Two – This is the place for the casting, right?
One – Yeah.
Two – OK. (A pause) So… it’s just the two of us?
One – Apparently.
A pause.
Two – I can’t remember, what’s the role again?
The other takes out a sheet of paper and glances at it.
One – It’s for the part of Albert Einstein.
Two – Albert Einstein…?
One – Yep. Albert Einstein.
Two – Right… Are you sure…? (He pulls out his own sheet and checks it) Mine says… Adolf Hitler.
One – Let’s see. (The other hands him the sheet and he glances at it) Ah, yeah…
Two – Maybe there are two roles.
One – Yeah…
Two – Is it for film or television?
The other checks his sheet again.
One – It’s for a play.
Two – A play with Einstein and Hitler…?
One – Yeah.
Two – I’m guessing it’s not a comedy…
One – It’s an imagined confrontation between the two men. In real life, they never met.
Two – I doubt they’d have had much to say to each other.
One – Hitler despised what he called “Jewish physics”. Which, in a way, was lucky. It meant the Nazis were slow to invest in nuclear research. That’s what allowed the Americans to get the bomb first.
Two – Oh, really…?
One – In the end, it was Hitler’s antisemitism that helped bring about the fall of the Third Reich.
Two – OK…
One – In 1933, Einstein went into exile in the US. He was the one who convinced Roosevelt to launch the Manhattan Project.
Two – The Manhattan Project…?
One – The programme that developed the first atomic bomb.
Two – Right… So it’s a kind of showdown between Einstein and Hitler.
One – That’s it.
The other looks around again.
Two – Well, if it’s just the two of us, we’re guaranteed a part.
One – Yeah.
A pause.
Two – Would you rather play Einstein or Hitler?
One – What about you?
Two – Not sure.
One – Playing a genius or a monster… Though call.
Two – I can’t really see myself playing Hitler.
One – No? What’s the issue?
Two – I don’t know… The moustache, for starters.
One – The moustache?
Two – I guess we’ll have to wear fake ones.
One – And…?
Two – Fake moustaches never stay on properly…
One – OK… But Einstein had a moustache too.
Two – Did he?
One – Yeah… And a much bigger one than Hitler’s.
Two – Oh, damn…
One – So you’d rather play Einstein, then?
Two – I don’t know… We’ll see.
One – We could flip a coin.
Two – You think?
One – Why not?
Two – Alright.
One – Heads, I’m Einstein. Tails, you’re Hitler.
Two – OK.
The first flips a coin, then picks it up and shows it to the second.
One – Heads, I’m Einstein.
Two – OK… I never really saw myself as a genius anyway.
One – Fair enough…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Casting Call est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.