Dear fellow citizens, my wishes will be half as long as usual because on this 31st of December at 8 PM, we’re in a state of emergency, and time is running out. To begin with, I have a turkey waiting for me at home, and it’s quite a tough one. I might have gone a tad overboard: I’m not even sure it’ll squeeze in my oven in one piece. With the cooking time at an hour per kilo, I’m looking at a potential turkey-eating marathon that might extend well into mid-January. Now, let’s put that hefty turkey aside and circle back to the main issue—you, my dear fellow citizens. As the Head of State, my responsibility is to bring your attention to the dire state of our country as I address you. When this year kicked off, we had a full 365 days ahead of us. Now, there’s just one left. That stark reality highlights how our nation’s deficit persistently expands, inching wider day by day, year after year. Rest assured, I have just sent up a prayer to God, asking for a divine extension on our credit line for a few more months starting tomorrow. But I must warn you: our nation cannot continue to spend its time recklessly. Henceforth, as of January 1st, my decision is to replace only one day out of every two. The coming year will therefore only have six months. It will begin on the 1st of January and end on the 30th of June. On that date, I’ll stand before you once again to extend my heartfelt New Year wishes. I get that these necessary changes for our nation might demand some adjustments on your part. However, take comfort in the fact that, thanks to the overall warming of the planet, soon you won’t discern much difference between the seasons, and every year will blend seamlessly into the next. Those without a summer will just be slightly more off-kilter than the rest. In perfect alignment with this reform, set to double the efficiency of our annual tax collection, I have also decided on a strong measure: the abolition of the transition from daylight saving time to standard time, which has divided the nation for years. From now on, there will only be one time, but only for six months a year! My dear fellow citizens, I wish you an excellent half-year. I believe in the bright side of the force, and I won’t leave you. Long live the Republic, and half-long live our country.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Half-Wishes to the Nation est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

You can stay seated! I am… your new philosophy teacher. I know, up until now, you mostly knew me as the physical education instructor… But, as you may be aware, Mrs. Weird, I mean Mrs. Weir, tragically took her own life last night by setting herself on fire in her bathtub filled with unleaded petrol… Oh, you weren’t aware? I apologize. Regardless, due to a current shortage of philosophy teachers in the National Education system… for some reason, philosophers are going through a crisis of vocation, much like priests… The Director requested that I fill in for Mrs. Weird. Mrs. Weir. You know, in our profession these days, you have to be versatile… You need to adapt. When you have a job, if you manage to find one, they’ll expect you to adapt. They call it employability. Well, that’s what the Director told me. I understand, you’ll be getting your high school diploma at the end of the year, but… it was either me or nothing… So, you might as well learn to adapt right away. Well, if you don’t have any questions, let’s get started. So, in the end, what is philosophy? It’s not that complicated, is it? It’s about asking the fundamental questions. I mean, the pointless questions. Like… I don’t know… What’s this mess around us? How did this chaos start? Will this craziness ever end? Wherever Mrs. Weird is now, she might finally hold the answers to these questions. Unfortunately, she can’t return to share whether there’s life after death, as she’s now completely charred. So, for your exams, it seems we’ll have to figure things out on our own, right? Anyway, philosophers have been asking these kinds of absurd questions for millennia, without managing to find an explanation that makes any sense. Well, believe it or not, even though I’ve never studied philosophy, I think I’ve found the answer. Well… a beginning of an answer… The key is to go back to basics. If you look carefully, you’ll realize the answer lies within yourself. No need to wade through the unreadable books Mrs. Weird distributed in the bibliography at the start of the year. I can’t say for certain whether she had read all those books herself, but look where it got her… Well, trust me, it’s better for each of you to draw from your own experiences and tap into your own memories. I’m confident that at some point in your life, you’ve encountered the truth without even realising it. For me, it happened during a pilgrimage to Mont Saint-Michel, where I experienced what you might call a revelation… Initially, I wasn’t overly excited about the prospect of visiting Mont Saint-Michel. I mean, my wife was more enthusiastic about it. But let’s be honest, Mont Saint-Michel is one of those places you should experience at least once in your life, right? Plus, the bus trip was sponsored by the town hall. Anyway, my wife and I arrived at the parking lot around noon after a three-hour drive in dense fog, not even able to make a pit stop at a gas station. There was no time to waste because we had to return to Paris that evening, so it was kind of a commando operation, you know? So everyone swiftly disembarked from the bus and started making their way briskly toward the basilica. Even though we don’t really believe in God, here’s a meditative atmosphere that envelops the place. We were approximately halfway there when my wife remarked, “Isn’t it unbelievable? Mont Saint-Michel is a UNESCO World Heritage Site, and if we don’t take action, it might not even be an island in a few years.” At that moment, I must confess I didn’t quite grasp where she was leading the conversation. With the low tide, Mont Saint-Michel, shrouded in fog, appeared more like a massive mound on the beach. Nevertheless, it triggered some contemplation within me, and I found myself pondering. Why Mont Saint-Michel instead of nothing? Why my wife instead of someone else? Why the prospect of an island during high tide, but not during low tide? Meanwhile, we were nearing the basilica. The cold was biting! It was December, just a few days before Christmas. Maybe that had something to do with it too. As I ascended the hill, an unusual sensation stirred within me. I held a firm belief that in this sacred place, I would uncover answers to questions I had never even considered before. However, being a bit out of breath, chilled to the bone, and having promised my mother-in-law a souvenir from Mont Saint-Michel, I decided to step into a nearby souvenir shop. Well, souvenirs were certainly not in short supply there. Anyway, I scanned the shop, hoping to find something budget-friendly for my mother-in-law. Then, almost miraculously, I came across one of those small glass domes filled with water and featuring Mont Saint-Michel inside. You know the ones, right? They do a similar thing in Paris with the Eiffel Tower. Absentmindedly, I picked up the item and, as if guided by a force other than my own, started shaking it.
You won’t believe what happened next – snow began to fall! I mean, initially, in the crystal ball, of course. But then, I casually glanced towards the door, and what do you know? It had started snowing outside too! That’s when it dawned on me in an epiphany of cosmic proportions. This crystal ball wasn’t just a trinket; it was a miniature universe! The world was literally in the palm of my hands. I stood there, basking in the glow of this newfound revelation. I stared at the ball, then looked outside. The more I shook the ball, the more it snowed on Mont Saint-Michel. I was all-powerful. I was the Almighty! Well, after a while, since the shopkeeper was starting to shoot me odd glances, I reluctantly had to set the ball down. Slowly but surely, all the snow gracefully settled back down, and I snapped back to reality. Yet, since that whimsical moment, I’ve been enlightened: the world is basically a snow globe where you can decipher both the past and the future. You give it a shake, and it’s akin to the Big Bang. The snowflakes never land in the same place, in the same sequence, or at the same pace, but eventually, every flake finds its way to the ground. Then, with another shake, it all starts anew. It’s perpetually different, yet fundamentally the same. No two snowflakes are identical; they each chart their unique course, but in the grand scheme, there’s always the same volume of snow, and, inevitably, everything descends downward, you catch my drift? Well, I haven’t figured out yet who’s shaking the thing, and why, but… I have my little theory. Why do you think all the fools who enter a souvenir shop at Mont Saint-Michel feel an irresistible urge to shake the thing I’m talking about? It’s all for the sheer joy of watching the snow fall! So, if God exists, why wouldn’t He want to do the same? And hold on tight because it’s not over… And brace yourselves because it’s not over… What if, in the end, God was me? I mean, all of you too, if you want. Well, the sum of all the idiots of our species, right? Admit it, it’s mind-boggling, isn’t it? That’s precisely why when the Director asked me if I had some knowledge of philosophy to replace Mrs. Weird, I said yes right away. I believe it was a sign from destiny, you know? An opportunity for me to generously share the knowledge I have modestly acquired about the mysteries of the world that surrounds us with as many people as possible…
Well, I think that’ll do for today. Let’s not set the bar too high for our first session, after all. Alright, now everyone get down on your stomachs! We’re going to do some push-ups together to wrap it up. A sound mind in a sound body, as Madam Director likes to say.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Let It Snow est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A rather sophisticated woman sits alone at a table, staring at an empty cocktail glass. A man approaches.
Him – Hello, may I buy you a drink?
Her – Even two or three if you like.
Him – Well, I’m not sure I’ve got that much cash on me.
Her – Let’s start with one, then. What’s your name?
Him – Michael, but you can call me Mickey. And you?
Her – Mary. But you can call me whatever you like.
Him – Right… And what would you fancy, Mary?
Her – The same as before. A Bloody Mary.
Him – A cocktail… That’s a bit pricey, isn’t it? How much is it?
Her – I have no idea. (Gesturing to a man across the room) The gentleman over there bought it for me.
Him – Ah, I see…
She gives the man a flirtatious smile, then turns back to her new companion.
Her – So?
Him – Oh yes, excuse me… (He fumbles in his pockets.) I’m so used to getting turned down, I’m not even sure I’ve got enough. I spent my last bit of change on poison.
Her – You do look a bit desperate, but I’m not sure suicide’s the answer, you know.
Him – Oh, no, but… it’s not for me.
Her – You want to poison someone?
Him – Yes, well… No… It’s ant poison.
Her – I see… I could settle for a coffee… if that’s more in your budget.
Him – Actually, I don’t think I have any cash at all.
Her – Is this your tactic to get someone else to buy you a drink?
Him – Sometimes it works.
Her – Well, let’s say it’s your lucky day. What will you have?
Him – I’ll have the same as you.
Her – You’ve got expensive taste for someone who can’t afford to buy a woman a drink.
Him – I do come into money from time to time, you know. But in my line of work, there are highs and lows.
Her – And what line of work is that?
Him – I’m a hitman.
Her – I see… So right now, it’s a bit of a dead season.
Him – Exactly.
Her – And have you killed many people in your life?
Him – Quite a few.
Her – And are you working on something now? Besides the ants…
Him – You’ll understand if I can’t talk about that.
Her – Of course… Professional confidentiality…
Him – Sorry.
Her – I can’t seem to find the waiter…
Him – I’ll take care of it.
He stands up.
Her – I’ll have another with you. Tell the waiter to put it all on Mr…
She gestures towards the man across the room who supposedly bought her a drink. He heads offstage. She takes the opportunity to flirt with the man across the room. Her companion returns with two Bloody Marys and sits down.
Him – Here you go.
Her – Well, cheers!
Him – Cheers!
He raises his glass to drink.
Her – Oh, I think someone’s noticed you.
Him – Sorry?
She nods towards a woman in the audience.
Her – Haven’t you noticed? She’s been staring at you…
Him – Are you sure?
He looks toward the woman in the audience, and she takes the opportunity to switch their glasses.
Her – If things don’t work out with me, you could always give her a try… She looks more your type.
Him – Why not…
Her – Here’s to your next victim!
They clink glasses and drink.
Him – Thanks for the cocktail.
Her – Forgive my curiosity, but I’m a little intrigued, obviously. This is the first time I’ve met a hitman…
Him – When you meet a hitman, you know, the first time is often the last…
Her – True! I hadn’t thought of that.
He takes another drink.
Him – So, what do you want to know?
Her – If you had to kill a woman, how would you go about it?
Him – There are a few ways, but for a woman… it requires elegance. Perhaps a bit of strychnine in her drink…
She smiles.
Her – I know who you’re working for.
Him – Oh really?
Her – And I know you’ve been hired to kill me.
Him – Why would anyone want to kill you?
Her – I’m a hitwoman too. They call me Bloody Mary.
Him – I see…
Her – You’re the third hitman they’ve sent after me. I must say, the other two weren’t nearly as entertaining as you.
Him – And… what happened to them?
Her – They’re dead. Quite suddenly…
Him – And yet, here you are, still alive…
Her – As you can see. In perfect health, in fact.
Him – Not for much longer.
Her – What makes you say that?
Him – I put strychnine in your glass.
Her – I swapped our glasses while you were eyeing that floozy.
Him – Ah…
Her – Don’t worry, it’ll be over quickly.
He rummages through his pockets, pulling out two small packets, which he examines.
Him – Oh, damn…
Her – What?
Him – I used the wrong packet. What I put in your glas – or rather, in the one I drank – wasn’t strychnine. It was ant poison…
Her – So, you were telling the truth? You’ve actually got a contract on an ant colony?
Him – No, but I’ve got loads of ants at home, and they’re a real nuisance, I assure you.
Her – Lucky for you, you’re not an ant.
Him – And the ants don’t seem too affected by it, either.
Her – Well then, you may as well finish your poisoned cocktail.
Him – I do feel a bit strange, though.
Her – Strange, as in… even stranger than usual?
Him – Feels like… ants crawling up my arms.
Her – Ants?
Him – Apparently, it’s quite laxative, too. Sorry, but I think I’ll have to leave you.
Her – It’s been a pleasure having a drink with you. Perhaps we’ll meet again…
He gives a weak smile and hurries off.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Bloody Mary est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters are seated at a café table, each with a glass of red wine.
One – Cheers!
Two – Cheers!
They take a sip. The first grimaces. The other seems to enjoy it.
One – It’s really awful, isn’t it?
Two – Yes, but to me, it tastes like freedom.
One – Why? You just got out of prison?
Two – Almost. My in-laws are staying at mine for the holidays. I managed to sneak out for an hour.
One – Ah, tough break.
Two – I told them I was going to check the oil in the car.
One – Don’t you drive an electric?
Two – Yeah… You see what it’s come to…
One – Right…
Two – They’ve only been here two days, and I’m already sick of them. Especially my father-in-law…
Silence.
One – Want me to get rid of him for you?
Two – You mean, take them in? If my wife agrees, I’d hand them over immediately. I’m willing to pay, you know. I’d pay double the B&B rate because, trust me, they’re no gift.
One – No, I meant… make them disappear.
Two – Disappear? You’re a magician? Unfortunately, whenever a magician makes someone disappear, they always reappear after a few minutes. What good would that do? And you’re not a magician, are you?
One – No, of course not… No, I mean make them disappear… for good.
The other one is taken aback.
Two – Very funny.
One – I’m not joking.
Two – For good…?
One – I know a guy who could take care of it, if you want.
Two – You’re kidding?
One – Not at all.
Two – You mean… a hitman?
One – He’d only do it as a favour, though. Not for free, of course.
Two – You know hitmen?
One – No, I don’t know… hitmen. But I know one.
Two – Well, I don’t know any, you see. Where did you meet this guy?
One – In prison.
Two – In prison?
One – We shared a cell for three years.
Two – You’ve been to prison?
One – Yeah.
Two – What for?
One – What for?
Two – Why did they lock you up? What did you do?
One – Attempted murder.
Two – Attempted?
One – I botched the job. I wasn’t very skilled. But this guy’s a pro, I swear. He’s taken out more than a few, I guarantee it.
Two – You’re pulling my leg here…
One – Not at all.
Two – You’re serious?
One – Deadly serious.
The other takes this in, processing the information.
Two – That’s crazy. I didn’t know hitmen existed outside of movies. So, you just place an order, like ordering a pizza, and…
One – Yes. It’s called a contract.
The other thinks again.
Two – A contract… And how much would it cost? I mean, just out of curiosity?
One – It depends…
Two – Depends on what?
One – Well, is it just for one, or for both of them? Since you said it’s mostly your father-in-law who…
Two – I don’t know. How much would it be per person?
One – I’d have to ask him… Around 8,500 euros maybe.
Two – That’s… oddly specific.
One – He’d probably give you a deal for the pair.
Two – How much?
One – For a couple… about 15,000.
Two – We’re talking VAT included, I assume.
One – Cash is simpler, unless you need an invoice.
Two (thinking) – Right…
One – Want me to ask him?
Two – No, not at all… I said “right” as in… I get it. Obviously, I don’t agree. (Pause) Although it’s pretty tempting…
One – Yeah.
Two – And it’s risky, isn’t it? I mean… the perfect crime doesn’t exist.
One – What makes you say that?
Two – I don’t know… that’s what they say.
One – By definition, perfect crimes aren’t classed as crimes. They’re accidents, natural deaths, suicides… So, if a perfect crime exists, we wouldn’t know about it. That’s why they say it doesn’t exist.
Two – I see… To avoid inspiring people.
One – For all we know, out of a hundred people who die, ten could be victims of perfect crimes, and we’d have no idea.
Two – You really think so?
One – I’ve known quite a few who’d committed perfect crimes.
Two – Really? And where did you meet them?
One – In prison.
Two – If they’d committed perfect crimes, what were they doing in prison?
One – Oh, they were in prison for something else.
Two – Yeah… Not very reassuring. I think I’ll take some time to consider it. And fifteen grand, that’s a fair sum…
Pause.
One – And your in-laws are planning to stay with you every holiday?
Two – Yeah… that’s why I’m not saying no straight away…
One – Suit yourself.
Two – On the other hand, I don’t want to end up in jail, like you.
Pause.
One – There’s always kidnapping.
Two – Kidnapping?
One – It’s less permanent, but… if you get caught, the sentence is lighter. Plus, you can ask for a ransom.
Two – A ransom?
One – And with the ransom, you can pay the kidnapper. Costs you nothing. Play your cards right and you might even make a profit.
Two – A ransom… Who’d pay a ransom to free my father-in-law? My mother-in-law, maybe, but even that’s doubtful. Besides, she’s broke.
One – No other family?
Two – Well, there’s my brother-in-law. And my sister-in-law. They’re arriving next week.
One – They’re staying with you too?
Two – Yeah, unfortunately.
One – Ah, tough break…
Two – Quite.
Pause.
One – Don’t tell me you want to get rid of them too.
Two – Depends. For four, would your mate give me a big discount?
One – Best not make it too obvious. Are there a lot more people you’d like to get rid of?
Two – Can’t stand my parents either… And don’t get me started on my two sisters and their idiot husbands.
One – They coming over for the holidays too?
Two – Oh no! They’re not invited. But they still drive me up the wall. And once the holidays are over, there’s my boss…
One – Just so you know, my friend’s a hitman, not a mass shooter like in America.
Two – Right, because as long as there’s one left to get on my nerves… No, I won’t go down that road. It’d never end. And I don’t have the funds…
The other stands up.
One – In that case, I’m off.
Two – Yeah, me too. Got people waiting for me at home…
One – Well then… Enjoy your holidays.
Two – Cheers…
One – And if you change your mind, you’ve got my number.
Two – OK… Who are you spending the holidays with?
One – Just the wife.
Two – Don’t tell me the others…
One – If I told you… it wouldn’t be the perfect crime.
He leaves. The other is left thoughtful for a moment and then exits as well.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Contract est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Him and Her collapse onto the couch, obviously exhausted.
Her – I thought they would never leave…
Him – They say that seven out of ten couples don’t have sex during their wedding night. Now I understand why…
Her – We could try to improve the average…
Him – You forget that we take off at 6:45 AM… From Luton…
Her – From Luton?
Him – I told you! I got the tickets on eBay…
Her – Why do the low cost companies have to take off from the most depressing town in England…? On the other hand, it’s true that when you leave from Luton, it makes anywhere look like a dream destination. Even Bratislava…
Him – They say that Bratislava is very beautiful… In spring…
Her – Don’t you mean Prague…?
Him – Same region?
Her – The Seychelles are beautiful all year round.. And don’t forget that spring starts only in two months…
Him – Oh, The Seychelles… Everybody goes there…
Her – It’s true that a honeymoon to Bratislava is a lot more original… We won’t meet lots of honeymooners on the plane… The only couple who mixed up Bratislava with Brasilia resold their tickets on eBay…
Him – We will treat ourselves with the Seychelles in a few years… For our wedding anniversary…
Her – Yeah. Our silver anniversary… When I won’t be able to get into my swimsuit… (Sigh) Life is unfair. We should inherit at 20, start working at 50 when we’ve finished our retirement, and procreate at 70, to have some company in our old age… And marriage would be at the end, a final vow…
Him – On the other hand, a lifetime without a mother in law… Is it really worth it…?
Her – Do you think I will still love you in 20 years?
Him – Will you still have the choice…? When you can’t find a swimsuit that fits…
Her – I know a girl who said “no” on her wedding day, for a joke. She wanted to say “yes” immediately after but the mayor did not like the joke at all. She had to wait six months to get married for real…Turns out there’s a legal delay. Like for a driving licence. When you screw up, you can’t take it again right away. Did you know that?
Him – No…
Her – This wedding was as boring as hell, wasn’t it?
Him – People don’t marry just for the fun…
Her – Don’t tell me that they do it to go to Bratislava from Luton in the middle of the night. Or I’ll start asking myself why I said yes… What country is Bratislava in?
Him – Well… Prague was the capital of Czechoslovakia…
Her – Then you don’t even know which country you’re taking me to for our honeymoon! My mother was right: I really don’t know were I am going with you…
Him – Wait… Prague is now capital of Czechia… Bratislava should be capital of Slovakia. Or Slovenia… Anyway, it’s in Europe! We don’t even need a passport…
Her – And you, will you still love me in 20 years…?
Him – How could I not love my whole life long a girl who is ready to follow me to an unknown country of the EU…?
Her – If it’s a test then…
They kiss each other.
Him – I don’t want to hurry you, but our plane takes off in two hours. And it’s quite a long way to Luton…
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Him and Her
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Wedding night est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.