One character (man or woman) is there, seemingly waiting. Another (man or woman) arrives.
Two – Excuse me, is this the stop for the 118?
One – Yes.
Two – Only… with all the roadworks…
One – No worries, it’s definitely here. I missed the last one by two seconds. But yes, it stopped right here. Don’t worry.
Two – Thanks.
One – You’re welcome.
The second person looks the first with curiosity.
Two – Sorry, but… I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before.
One – Yes, I get that a lot…
Two – No? Wait — I do recognise you…!
One – Oh, really…?
Two – It’s you!
One – Me?
Two – That bastard who murdered that poor kid by throwing him off the Ferris wheel! It was you!
One – Um, yes… That was in a TV drama. On Channel 4.
Two – Channel 4, that’s it!
They continue to stare insistently.
One – Would you like an autograph?
Two – An autograph? Are you mad, you lunatic!
One – No, I mean — it was just a role. On television. I’ve never actually killed anyone, I promise.
Two – Oh, right… And that poor child?
One – I assure you, no children were harmed during the shoot.
Two – He fell thirty metres and crashed down between the candyfloss stand and the chip van!
One – It was a dummy, I swear! In the end, the kid’s parents collected his fee and took him home to do his homework.
Two – Of course… But just before that, I saw you on Channel 5 in a Nazi uniform torturing a poor woman to get her to reveal where the resistance fighters were hiding.
One – Ah yes, that’s true… What can I say? Apparently, I’ve got the face of a killer.
Two – You really do. I honestly don’t know what’s stopping me from…
They step forward, menacingly.
One – Oi, have you lost it? You do know the war’s over, right? The only Nazis left these days don’t wear uniforms.
Two – Yeah, yeah… You’re going to tell me you vote Labour next.
One – And why not?
Two – Attacking women and children… Don’t you have any shame?
They step forward again.
One – It’s fiction! Honestly, I’m a pretty decent guy in real life… (faces them) Though I wouldn’t push myself too far.
The other backs off, cautiously.
Two – What are you going to do, kill me too?
One – I told you — I’ve never killed anyone! Not yet, anyway…
Two – Still… you do look the part.
One – Look the part… That doesn’t mean anything! Look at you. You’ve got a proper idiot’s face, and yet…
Two – And yet…?
One – OK, bad example… But plenty of geniuses looked like proper idiots.
Two – Like who?
One – Well, not off the top of my head… but I’m sure there are loads.
Two – Yeah…
One – Have you ever thought about acting?
Two – Acting?
One – Or theatre, maybe. I promise, with a face like yours… You could go far.
Two – What’s wrong with my face?
One – Let’s just say it’s… very expressive.
Two – Oh, really…?
One – Absolutely! (hands them a business card) Here — that’s the number of the most in-demand casting director in the city right now. He’s always on the lookout for fresh faces…
Two – And you think my face would interest him?
One – I’m certain of it! Right now he’s looking for someone for Dinner for Schmucks, do you know the play?
Two – No.
One – You should audition. Seriously.
Two – Right…
One – Tell them I sent you.
Two – That’s kind of you, thanks. And to think I took you for a complete bastard…
One – You see? Just goes to show — appearances can be deceiving.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Murderer’s Face est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character (man or woman) dressed in bright colours is there, seemingly waiting for something or someone. Another character (also gender-neutral), dressed in black, arrives carrying a rucksack and a folding chair. They speak to the first.
Two – Is this the place for extras?
One – Yes. Well, I was told to wait here…
Two – OK.
They unfold their chair and sit down. Then they take a thermos of coffee and a foil-wrapped sandwich out of their rucksack. They unwrap the sandwich and start eating. The other watches with curiosity.
One – I’m guessing this isn’t your first time as an extra.
Two – I’ve done this all my life. My parents signed me up to a casting website at birth, to play premature babies.
One – Premature?
Two – I was born three months early.
One – Do they really cast premature babies as extras?
Two – It’s rare… But then again, there’s not much competition.
One – Got your foot in the door, I suppose.
Two – Then I did adverts for nappies, then cereals, acne creams, mortgages, cosmetic surgery, hearing aids, stairlifts, incontinence pads…
One – From nappies to incontinence pads… now that’s what you call coming full circle.
Two – I’ve just done an ad for funeral plans.
One – Smart move… I guess you have to adapt in this business if you want a long career.
Two – I do telly and film as well, of course.
One – Still as an extra?
Two – Background artist, as they say. I’ve done a few voiceovers too. But yes – either you see me, or you hear me. Never both at once.
One – And you’ve never tried to be an actor? I mean, a real actor… Playing a role, speaking lines… You know, an actor.
Two – I did, at first. Went to a few auditions. Never got picked. Guess my voice doesn’t match my face. So I gave up. Being a proper actor, you know, it’s not all good.
One – Oh really?
Two – Once people see and hear you – at the same time, I mean – they start to recognise you, obviously.
One – And for you, that’s a bad thing…?
Two – The trouble is, you get typecast. Stuck with the same sort of role forever.
One – I see…
Two – In all the crime dramas, you play the forensic pathologist, for example. It’s good to start with – regular work and all that.
One – But after a while, the audience gets bored…
Two – And then no one hires you.
One – Casting directors have no imagination.
Two – Me, you usually only see from the back, or in profile. So naturally, no one recognises me.
One – At least people don’t bother you in restaurants asking for autographs.
Two – Even my building manager doesn’t recognise me. And I give her a Christmas bonus every year. You didn’t recognise me either, for that matter…
One – Have we met?
Two – We crossed paths on the set of that new police drama.
One – Oh yes… The one where that famous weather presenter plays the blind detective.
Two – Blind, but clairvoyant.
One – And you were the forensic pathologist?
Two – I was the bloke the forensic pathologist was autopsying.
One – Sorry, I don’t remember you…
Two – What did I tell you… Even my dad doesn’t always recognise me.
One – Maybe it’s Alzheimer’s…
Two – My father didn’t recognise me at birth. And frankly, I’m not sure he ever has. (Beat) What about you?
One – Me?
Two – Have you been doing this long?
One – Oh, no, me… This is only my second time. Actually, I’m wondering if I should carry on.
Two – We all say that. Then thirty years later, you’re playing a corpse in a funeral insurance ad.
One – Yes… That’s kind of why I’m wondering if I shouldn’t just stop now.
The other pours coffee from their thermos.
Two – Fancy a coffee?
One – No thanks, I’m good.
The other sips their coffee in silence for a moment.
Two – Yep… You start forming little habits before you even realise it.
One – They say Marilyn Monroe used to knit between takes.
Two – And she was a great actress.
The other looks towards the wings.
One – Ah, I think we’re about to start.
Two – When it’s time, it’s time…
They pack up their things to leave.
One – Do you know what we’re doing today? They forgot to tell me.
Two – I figured as much. Otherwise, I imagine you’d have dressed differently.
One – I thought that by wearing bright colours, I might stand out.
Two – Well, in that case, mission accomplished.
One – Oh, yeah…?
Two – We’re playing the anonymous crowd at a celebrity’s funeral.
The other looks around.
One – So far, it’s just the two of us.
Two – It’s a low-budget film…
They start to walk off.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Background Work est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character (man or woman) is there. Another arrives (also gender-neutral).
Two – You look awful… Are you alright?
One – It’s the scene where I die…
Two – Sorry?
One – The scene we’re about to perform. It’s the one where my character dies of a pulmonary embolism.
Two – OK… And has your doctor diagnosed you with a risk of pulmonary embolism? I mean in real life…
One – No. Not that I know of.
Two – So?
One – I don’t know… Dying on stage always gets to me. Doesn’t it affect you?
Two – No.
One – OK, I’m only pretending, but… What if I actually died for real?
Two – Are you feeling unwell?
One – No, no, I’m fine, but… I feel such a strong connection with my character… What if, in the moment they die, I die with them?
Two – That would be taking your craft a bit far. Even at the Actors Studio, they never expected actors to identify with their characters to the point of dying on cue.
One – I know it’s irrational, but I’m scared to death.
Two – Theatre isn’t the bloody Colosseum. We don’t swap out actors every time someone gets stabbed or eaten by a lion. In theatre, the swords are wooden and the lions are cardboard.
One – You never know… All it takes is once…
Two – Exactly. And this is the fourth show. Your character has already died three times. He dies every night at around ten thirty-five. And yet, here you are.
One – That must be it, then. Fourth show syndrome.
Two – Fourth show syndrome? What’s that supposed to be?
One – Molière died after the fourth performance of The Imaginary Invalid. And do you know what he died of?
Two – The lung.
One – Exactly. The lung.
Two – Yes, well… we’re not in the seventeenth century anymore.
One – You think people don’t die of pulmonary embolisms these days?
Two – They do. But at least actors don’t get excommunicated anymore. You’ll get a proper burial among good Christians.
One – That’s a comfort, thanks…
Two – I’m joking. But I didn’t know you were so superstitious.
One – I should just stop playing characters who die, that’s all.
Two – In every tragedy, the hero dies at the end. Doesn’t leave you many options.
One – Then I’ll only do comedies.
Two – The Imaginary Invalid is a comedy. Argan isn’t meant to die in the end. And yet Molière still died playing him.
One – You’re right. I’d better give up comedy too.
Two – If you give up tragedy and comedy, what’s left for you in theatre?
One – Film.
Two – People don’t die in films?
One – At least you only die once. In theatre, you die every night.
Two – Even in film, it depends.
One – What do you mean, it depends?
Two – If they get the shot in one take, you only die once. But if they do multiple takes…
One – Right…
Two – If they do four, you could still die on the fourth. Like Molière…
One – I’ll try to get it right first time, then.
Two – That’s optimistic…
One – I know…
Two – Or there’s always television.
One – Television?
Two – On telly, it’s low-budget. They can’t afford to do lots of takes. Usually the first take is the one they keep.
One – Television? Me? I’d rather die.
The other checks their watch.
Two – Well, perfect timing. That’s our cue. Ready?
One – OK…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Scared to Death est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are facing each other.
One – Thank you for welcoming us into your home. I know how keen you usually are to protect your private life. And thank you for granting this interview to our magazine, Celebrity Secrets.
Two – My pleasure…
One – My first question is actually about the press. You’ve often criticised gossip journalists, comparing them to vultures feeding on the misery of the famous, while violating their privacy.
Two – Even if that’s a bit of an exaggeration, I do think actors should be known for the films they’ve made — not for the more or less sordid details of their private lives, which, frankly, no one’s really interested in.
One – Don’t be so modest. Our magazine has millions of readers. It seems the private lives of stars fascinate far more people than you might think.
Two – I hate talking about myself. And I’ve never shared most actors’ fondness for exhibitionism. But I understand that sometimes you have to make a few concessions to modesty to satisfy public curiosity.
One – Of course…
Two – I give very few interviews, in fact.
One – Indeed… That’s exactly what you told us when we met less than a month ago – on the occasion of your third wedding. To a colleague from broadcast journalism, no less…
Two – Alas, we’re already in the process of divorcing.
One – I’m sure we’ll have the chance to talk about it again very soon.
Two – It’s a painful subject for me, but… with pleasure.
One – Let’s turn to the main topic of today’s interview – the release of your much-anticipated autobiography, modestly titled… My Life.
Two – My publisher wanted to call it Behind the Glitter. But I preferred something a little less sensational.
One – That’s actually the subtitle of this six-hundred-page masterpiece.
Two – As I said… sometimes you have to compromise.
One – Without giving too much away, you do touch on your intimate life — with a few celebrities who, for a time, shared your bed… Sorry, I mean your life. And there are quite a few. No one is spared…
Two – It feels rather indecent to talk about one’s love life. But if I was going to do it, I owed my readers the truth — at the very least.
One – We learn, for instance, that your last wife had one leg shorter than the other, and wore orthopaedic insoles to compensate…
Two – It’s important to show people that stars are just like anyone else. Behind the polished images spread by the media are ordinary human beings, with the same flaws as the rest. You know, before they were worshipped as icons, stars were just regular people…
One – Apparently, your wife didn’t appreciate being unwillingly turned into a poster child for imperfection, and filed for divorce shortly after that revelation.
Two – Stars are fragile people. They need to be loved. And to be loved, they think they must hide every single flaw. But in truth, it’s only by revealing your imperfections that you can truly connect with your audience.
One – And yet, in this book, you don’t go into much detail about your own weaknesses.
Two – Out of modesty, believe me.
One – I believe your ex-wife is now preparing her own autobiography. Perhaps, out of respect for your modesty, she’ll take it upon herself to reveal the flaws that will help your audience relate to you more deeply.
Two – Perhaps…
One – To finish, I’d like to ask you a slightly cheeky question.
Two – Be my guest…
One – It’s well known that most celebrities who publish memoirs hire ghostwriters. Did you actually write this autobiography yourself?
Two – If I didn’t know you, I’d take that as an insult… Was there anything in the book that made you doubt I was the author?
One – Not in the book, no. But I happen to know the journalist who actually wrote it very well. I even have his contract in my pocket… Even he did sign it under a pseudonym.
Two – Really… And who do you think that journalist might be?
One – Me.
Two – In that case, congratulations. It’s a very well-written book — I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I even discovered a few anecdotes about my life I didn’t know myself, and which — after checking — turned out to be perfectly true.
One – Thank you for giving us this interview.
Two – Thank you.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Celebrity Secrets est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are present. They remain silent for a moment.
One – I’ve got a bad feeling about this love scene.
Two – Who’s it with?
One – Fred.
Two – Ah, yes…
A pause.
One – Have you worked with him before?
Two – Yes…
One – And you didn’t notice anything?
Two – Well, yes…
One – He’s got terrible breath.
Two – No doubt about it.
One – How can someone’s breath be that bad?
Two – It’s like a jackal’s breath, honestly.
One – Even if you never brushed your teeth, could it really smell that bad?
Two – Must be some kind of liver problem. I can’t think of any other explanation.
One – And of course, no one dares say anything.
Two – Bit awkward, isn’t it?
One – Do you think he knows?
Two – Knows what?
One – That he stinks!
Two – No idea…
One – Maybe not.
Two – Maybe when you’ve got bad breath, you can’t smell it yourself.
One – Yeah… telling him might actually be doing him a favour.
Two – At the very least, it’d be a favour to everyone else.
One – His co-stars, for starters.
A pause.
Two – What if we had bad breath too, and no one’s ever dared to tell us?
One – Now that’s a worrying thought.
Two – If I had bad breath, would you tell me?
One – Not sure…
Two – That’s a bit scary, isn’t it?
One – Don’t worry, I’ve never noticed anything.
Two – OK…
One – Maybe you spit a little when you talk, that’s all.
Two – I spit?
One – I said a little.
Two – Well… thanks for telling me. I’ll try to be more careful.
One – OK… (Pause) And what about me?
Two – What?
One – Do I spit?
Two – I haven’t noticed…
One – OK… But have you noticed anything else?
Two – Not really.
One – OK.
Two – I think I heard you fart once or twice.
One – Oh, that… Well, it’s not always easy to control.
Two – I know, but… in the middle of a scene, during filming, it can really throw your scene partner off, you know?
One – I get it… When was the last time?
Two – This morning… In that scene we did together.
One – Ah, yes…
Two – You tell me you’ve seen the Virgin Mary at the back of a cave. And right after the word “cave”, you let one rip.
One – I see…
Two – It’s not easy to keep going after that.
One – I’m really sorry.
Two – It was pretty funny, to be fair, but still…
One – Yeah…
Two – You didn’t do it on purpose, did you?
One – I did.
Two – I thought as much.
One – That scene was so ridiculous. I just couldn’t help myself.
Two – The Virgin…
One – In a cave… I mean, come on.
Two – If you’d seen her at the bottom of a sake glass in a Chinese restaurant, that would’ve been funny.
One – How do screenwriters still come up with crap like that in the 21st century?
Two – It’s telly. They write whatever they’re told to…
One – I wonder who still watches TV. I mean proper national channels.
Two – Old people.
One – And when all the old people are dead?
Two – We’ll be dead too.
One – This little chat’s really cheered me up. Just before I go and snog a bloke with the breath of a camel.
Two – Yeah… We don’t have an easy job, do we?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Screen Kiss est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.