Two characters (men or women) are there, seemingly waiting. They remain silent for a moment.
One – Bloody hell, it’s dragging on.
Two – Yeah.
One – How long have we been waiting?
Two – No idea. They told us to be on set for eight… (checks watch) It’s eleven.
One – Three hours! And we haven’t even done a single take.
Two – You’d think three hours would be enough time to get ready.
One – Or they could just have told us to come at noon.
Two – Filmmaking would be a lovely job if it weren’t for the crew…
One – Maybe we should go and ask what’s going on…
Two – Honestly, I wouldn’t.
One – True, they’re ridiculously touchy. You can’t say anything without it sounding like some diva tantrum from a spoiled actor.
Two – So we just have to shut up and wait.
One – Still, at the end of the day, we’re the ones people see on screen.
Two – I sometimes wonder if that’s what they’re punishing us for – waking us up at dawn just to leave us hanging around in a draughty corridor for hours while they get on with their work.
One – If only we could actually see them.
Two – Yeah, it’s been ages since they showed their faces. I wonder what they’re even doing.
One – Probably having a snack. You know, workers start early, so by eleven they’re starving…
Two – They say actors are complicated, but truth is, actors spend far more time waiting for the crew than the other way round.
A pause.
One – Actually, I’m getting seriously hungry, aren’t you?
Two – Yeah…
One – There’s food on the table over there. Surely it’s not just for the crew?
Two – No, but… it’s all cold meats and cheese.
One – So?
Two – I’m vegan.
One – Oh, bugger…
Two – Yep… The crew chooses the menu too. And workers eat cold meats.
A pause.
One – Can I ask you something?
Two – You see, this is what I dread most about standing around on set for hours before the director finally decides to call “action”…
One – What?
Two – It always ends with existential questions.
One – Sorry…
Two – Go on, ask your question.
One – When you play a role, do you actually become the character in your head, or do you just say the lines and pose while thinking about what you’ll have for lunch?
Two – OK, so… Stanislavski or Brecht, is that it?
One – Um… yeah, if you like…
Two – I’m more of a Diderot type, you know.
One – Diderot?
Two – The Paradox of the Actor, haven’t you read it?
One – No.
Two – According to Diderot, an actor shouldn’t identify with the character they’re playing. Their job isn’t to feel the emotions, but to make the audience feel them.
One – Right…
Two – So if you’re playing anger, you don’t need to be angry. You just convincingly replicate the signs of anger.
One – Got it.
Two – Basically the opposite of the Method, or Actors Studio, if you prefer.
One – I see.
Two – Do you, though?
One – Yeah, yeah, it’s… it’s clear.
Two – You know that scene in Taxi Driver, when De Niro’s practising being tough in front of the mirror?
One – You talkin’ to me?
Two – Well, in that scene, De Niro – or rather his character – is trying to imitate anger, to look tough for an imaginary threat.
One – But De Niro trained at the Actors Studio, didn’t he?
Two – He did, but in that particular scene, De Niro is playing a character who is himself trying – badly – to act. It’s a kind of mise en abyme. When he’s playing the taxi driver, he uses the Method. But when the character tries to play a hard man, he’s copying a cliché of what a hard man looks like.
One – And that’s not a bad thing?
Two – Not if it’s done with intention. But if it’s just laughably over the top, yes. Still, you can absolutely act angry without being angry. It’s often more convincing. And it’s definitely less exhausting in the long run.
One – That’s true…
Two – And you? Are you more Method, or more Diderot?
One – Me, I’m completely into the role. I am the character, you know? I don’t act the part — I am the part.
Two – Right…
One – You don’t think that’s the right approach?
Two – No, no, I mean… why not. But… it does worry me a little. Since in the scene we’re about to film together, you’re playing a violent copper and I’m the poor sod he’s interrogating…
One – Ah, I think it’s our turn now.
Two – Well… maybe just try to keep a bit of distance from your character, yeah? (The other, already deep into the role, doesn’t seem to hear.) Are you listening to me?
One – You talkin’ to me?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article You talkin’ to me? est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character (man or woman) is there, seemingly waiting. Another (man or woman) arrives.
Two – Excuse me, is this the stop for the 118?
One – Yes.
Two – Only… with all the roadworks…
One – No worries, it’s definitely here. I missed the last one by two seconds. But yes, it stopped right here. Don’t worry.
Two – Thanks.
One – You’re welcome.
The second person looks the first with curiosity.
Two – Sorry, but… I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before.
One – Yes, I get that a lot…
Two – No? Wait — I do recognise you…!
One – Oh, really…?
Two – It’s you!
One – Me?
Two – That bastard who murdered that poor kid by throwing him off the Ferris wheel! It was you!
One – Um, yes… That was in a TV drama. On Channel 4.
Two – Channel 4, that’s it!
They continue to stare insistently.
One – Would you like an autograph?
Two – An autograph? Are you mad, you lunatic!
One – No, I mean — it was just a role. On television. I’ve never actually killed anyone, I promise.
Two – Oh, right… And that poor child?
One – I assure you, no children were harmed during the shoot.
Two – He fell thirty metres and crashed down between the candyfloss stand and the chip van!
One – It was a dummy, I swear! In the end, the kid’s parents collected his fee and took him home to do his homework.
Two – Of course… But just before that, I saw you on Channel 5 in a Nazi uniform torturing a poor woman to get her to reveal where the resistance fighters were hiding.
One – Ah yes, that’s true… What can I say? Apparently, I’ve got the face of a killer.
Two – You really do. I honestly don’t know what’s stopping me from…
They step forward, menacingly.
One – Oi, have you lost it? You do know the war’s over, right? The only Nazis left these days don’t wear uniforms.
Two – Yeah, yeah… You’re going to tell me you vote Labour next.
One – And why not?
Two – Attacking women and children… Don’t you have any shame?
They step forward again.
One – It’s fiction! Honestly, I’m a pretty decent guy in real life… (faces them) Though I wouldn’t push myself too far.
The other backs off, cautiously.
Two – What are you going to do, kill me too?
One – I told you — I’ve never killed anyone! Not yet, anyway…
Two – Still… you do look the part.
One – Look the part… That doesn’t mean anything! Look at you. You’ve got a proper idiot’s face, and yet…
Two – And yet…?
One – OK, bad example… But plenty of geniuses looked like proper idiots.
Two – Like who?
One – Well, not off the top of my head… but I’m sure there are loads.
Two – Yeah…
One – Have you ever thought about acting?
Two – Acting?
One – Or theatre, maybe. I promise, with a face like yours… You could go far.
Two – What’s wrong with my face?
One – Let’s just say it’s… very expressive.
Two – Oh, really…?
One – Absolutely! (hands them a business card) Here — that’s the number of the most in-demand casting director in the city right now. He’s always on the lookout for fresh faces…
Two – And you think my face would interest him?
One – I’m certain of it! Right now he’s looking for someone for Dinner for Schmucks, do you know the play?
Two – No.
One – You should audition. Seriously.
Two – Right…
One – Tell them I sent you.
Two – That’s kind of you, thanks. And to think I took you for a complete bastard…
One – You see? Just goes to show — appearances can be deceiving.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Murderer’s Face est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are there, seemingly waiting. A voice is heard offstage.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two characters freeze. They don’t say anything for a long moment. The voice is heard again.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two remain frozen.
Voice off – Um… Whenever you’re ready…
One – What?
Voice off – Well… The camera’s rolling… You’re not just going to stand there and say nothing, are you?
Two – You said “Quiet on set!”
Voice off – No, I meant everyone else.
One – Everyone else?
Voice off – The crew. The technicians. You’re the actors. You’re supposed to say something.
Two – And what do you want us to say?
Voice off – I don’t know – your lines, maybe?
One – Our lines…?
Voice off – Don’t you have a script?
Two – That’s for you to tell us.
One – We’re just the actors. We don’t get a say.
Voice off– Hey, I’m just the Director Of Photography. They told me to shoot this scene before midday. Nobody said whether there were any lines.
Two (to the other actor) – Did they give you a script?
One – No.
Voice off – Well then… I don’t know. Just improvise.
One – Improvise? Improvise what?
Voice off– Bloody hell, this is a nightmare…
Two – We’re happy to improvise, but we need a starting point. What’s the scene supposed to be about?
Voice off – Oh, I’ve no idea. That’s not my job, is it? I just deal with the image.
One – Alright then… We’ll improvise.
Voice off – Great. Back to one?
Two – Let’s do it.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two characters freeze for a moment.
One – What a silence…
Two – Yes.
One – You could hear a pin drop.
Two – Yes.
A pause.
One – Unfortunately, there are no pins.
Two – No.
Another pause.
Voice off – Cut! (Pause) Is that it?
One – I’m doing my best…
Two – Yeah, same here.
One – You didn’t exactly help, either.
Two – Me?
One – You could’ve picked it up a bit.
Two – Improvising’s a skill, you know. You don’t just become an improviser overnight.
One – Still, actors are supposed to be able to improvise a little.
Two – So I’m a bad actor now, is that it?
One – I didn’t say that, but…
Two – And honestly… “You could hear a pin drop… unfortunately, there are no pins…” What am I supposed to do with that?
One – Well, you could’ve started, if you’re so clever!
Two – I was about to! You interrupted me…
One – You weren’t saying anything!
Two – I was waiting for it to come! That’s how improv works. You wait. And silence is important too.
One – Silence?
Two – The unspoken, if you prefer. Dialogue’s important, sure, but it’s the unspoken that really counts.
One – The unspoken…
Two – Yes, the unspoken.
One – So… silence, basically.
Two – As someone once said, “Silence after Mozart is still Mozart…”
One – Well then, I’ve nothing more to say…
Silence.
Two – So? How was it this time?
Voice off – What?
One – Our improv.
Two – What improv?
One – The one we just did!
Voice off – Oh, I didn’t film that…
Two – He didn’t film it.
One – You’ve got to be kidding me…
Two – Tell me that’s a joke.
Voice off – Doesn’t matter, we’ll just do it again.
One – But if we do it again, it’s not improvisation anymore!
Voice off – Are you seriously trying to ruin my whole morning? It’s nearly midday! I’ve got other things to do, you know!
Two – Alright then… Let’s go again…
Voice off – Quiet on set!
Silence.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Quiet on Set! est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are there, waiting for something.
One – You don’t look well. Got stage fright?
Two – No, I’ve gone blank…
One – What do you mean, blank? Memory lapse? We haven’t even started yet…
Two – I can’t remember which play we’re supposed to be doing.
One – It’s Sunday. Don’t we do Hamlet on Sundays?
Two – Yes, but we do two shows on Sundays. Matinee and evening. Hamlet and A Streetcar Named Desire.
One – Matinee’s Hamlet, evening is Streetcar, right?
Two – That’s just it, I’m not sure anymore.
One – Well now I’m doubting it too.
Two – We’re doing so many plays. I’m in thirteen at the moment.
One – I’m in fifteen.
Two – And we know all the lines, down to a T.
One – It’s just that, right now, I’ve got no idea which one we’re meant to be doing.
Two – Hamlet, or not Hamlet?
One – That is the question.
Two – What time is it exactly?
One – No idea. I had a quick nap and my watch stopped.
Two – I left mine at home.
One – But are we doing the matinee or the evening show?
Two – Not a clue… I haven’t seen daylight in ages.
One – If it’s the evening show, we must have already done one. We should know which.
Two – I’m doing three a day at the moment. One at 3pm, one at 7, and one at 10.
One – Same here. I even do a children’s show at 10 in the morning.
We hear the bell that signals to the actors they’ll be going onstage shortly.
Two – Too late to ask what play we’re doing now. Did you hear the bell? We’re on in one minute.
One – But the audience… they know what they came to see.
Two – Of course. So what do we do?
One – Here’s my suggestion. We go on. We do the first two lines of Hamlet, and watch the audience’s faces. If they look surprised, we switch to Streetcar.
Two – You think…?
One – Let’s give it a shot.
Two – OK.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
A pause.
One – They look surprised, don’t they?
Two – OK. Let’s switch to A Streetcar Named Desire…
One – Let’s go back to the beginning and pick it up from there, alright?
Two – OK.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
One – Hey there, Stella, baby!
Two – Don’t holler at me like that. Hi, Mitch.
A pause.
One – Yeah, it flows quite well.
Two – It could work.
One – And if they still look surprised?
Two – I don’t know.
One – We could alternate the lines.
Two – Alternate the lines?
One – One line from Hamlet, one line from Streetcar, and so on.
Two – We can try.
A pause.
One – Who’s there?
Two – Hey there, Stella, baby!
One – Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!
Two – Don’t holler at me like that. Hi, Mitch.
A pause.
Two – Yeah… But the play’s going to be twice as long.
One – Two plays for the price of one. Who’s going to complain?
Two – True.
One – And in the evening?
Two – Same thing, but we start with the other play.
One – That’ll probably give a whole new meaning to both masterpieces.
Two – We’ve just invented the theatrical exquisite corpse, haven’t we?
The bell rings again.
One – This time, we’ve got to go.
Two – So we’re starting with A Streetcar Named Desire…
One – Didn’t we say Hamlet…?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Exquisite Corpse est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is waiting. Another arrives.
Two – Hi.
One – Hi.
Two – This is the place for the casting, right?
One – Yeah.
Two – OK. (A pause) So… it’s just the two of us?
One – Apparently.
A pause.
Two – I can’t remember, what’s the role again?
The other takes out a sheet of paper and glances at it.
One – It’s for the part of Albert Einstein.
Two – Albert Einstein…?
One – Yep. Albert Einstein.
Two – Right… Are you sure…? (He pulls out his own sheet and checks it) Mine says… Adolf Hitler.
One – Let’s see. (The other hands him the sheet and he glances at it) Ah, yeah…
Two – Maybe there are two roles.
One – Yeah…
Two – Is it for film or television?
The other checks his sheet again.
One – It’s for a play.
Two – A play with Einstein and Hitler…?
One – Yeah.
Two – I’m guessing it’s not a comedy…
One – It’s an imagined confrontation between the two men. In real life, they never met.
Two – I doubt they’d have had much to say to each other.
One – Hitler despised what he called “Jewish physics”. Which, in a way, was lucky. It meant the Nazis were slow to invest in nuclear research. That’s what allowed the Americans to get the bomb first.
Two – Oh, really…?
One – In the end, it was Hitler’s antisemitism that helped bring about the fall of the Third Reich.
Two – OK…
One – In 1933, Einstein went into exile in the US. He was the one who convinced Roosevelt to launch the Manhattan Project.
Two – The Manhattan Project…?
One – The programme that developed the first atomic bomb.
Two – Right… So it’s a kind of showdown between Einstein and Hitler.
One – That’s it.
The other looks around again.
Two – Well, if it’s just the two of us, we’re guaranteed a part.
One – Yeah.
A pause.
Two – Would you rather play Einstein or Hitler?
One – What about you?
Two – Not sure.
One – Playing a genius or a monster… Though call.
Two – I can’t really see myself playing Hitler.
One – No? What’s the issue?
Two – I don’t know… The moustache, for starters.
One – The moustache?
Two – I guess we’ll have to wear fake ones.
One – And…?
Two – Fake moustaches never stay on properly…
One – OK… But Einstein had a moustache too.
Two – Did he?
One – Yeah… And a much bigger one than Hitler’s.
Two – Oh, damn…
One – So you’d rather play Einstein, then?
Two – I don’t know… We’ll see.
One – We could flip a coin.
Two – You think?
One – Why not?
Two – Alright.
One – Heads, I’m Einstein. Tails, you’re Hitler.
Two – OK.
The first flips a coin, then picks it up and shows it to the second.
One – Heads, I’m Einstein.
Two – OK… I never really saw myself as a genius anyway.
One – Fair enough…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Casting Call est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.