One – So that’s it…
Two – Yes, it seems so.
One – We thought it would never happen here.
Two – No.
Pause.
One – Do you think we could have done something to stop it…?
Two – Can you stop the tide from rising…?
One – That’s true. It was like a tide.
Two – A human tide.
One – It rose very slowly.
Two – Over a very long time.
One – Inexorably.
Pause.
Two – At first they called it “de-demonisation”.
One – They called it free speech.
Two – Even freedom of expression.
One – And then we went from the right to stupidity to the dictatorship of stupidity.
Two – It began with censorship.
One – It continued with self-censorship.
Two – Keeping your head down.
One – So as not to put yourself in danger.
Two – They’ll do what they did elsewhere, you’ll see. They’ll start by breaking the law.
One – And then they’ll change the law.
Two – We won’t be able to say anything anymore. We’ll only be able to repeat.
One – Repeat what others are already saying.
Two – Without even thinking about it.
One – Even thinking will become dangerous.
Two – Even existing will become dangerous.
One – We’ll have to erase who we are.
Two – We’ll have to erase everything.
One – They’ll start by reading our mail.
Two – They’ll end up reading our thoughts.
One – Until the day we’re no longer really human.
Two – Until the day we’ve become animals again.
One – Social animals.
Two – Until the day we become termites.
One – Feeding on the beams of their own house.
Two – Until the roof collapses and buries them.
One – Then all humanity will have disappeared.
Pause.
Two – Can the current still be reversed?
One – The tide always goes out in the end, doesn’t it?
Two – And what if this time it wasn’t just a simple tide? What if it were…
One – The rise of murky waters, caused by political decay.
Two – Then there’s nothing left to be done…
One – When the mud has finished covering the city, the rats will come out of the sewers and invade the streets.
Two – They’re already roaming freely on social networks.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Termites est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Do you remember what I said to you yesterday?
Two – No. What did you say?
One – Well… that’s just it, I don’t remember.
Two – Oh, right…
Pause.
One – And what I said to you a moment ago, do you remember that?
Two – No. Did you say something?
One – I don’t know anymore.
Two – No, I don’t see…
Pause.
One – And what I’ve just said to you now, this very second, you do remember that at least.
Two – No, what did you say?
One – I was asking you if… I don’t know anymore…
Two – Neither do I.
Pause.
One – Honestly, what’s the point of carrying on talking if we don’t know what we’re saying?
Two – I don’t know… To feel less alone, I suppose…
One – Yeah…
Two – At the same time, we’re goldfish. We’re not supposed to talk, are we?
One – No, you’re right.
Two – Let’s shut up, that’ll be better.
One – Yeah… (Pause) Especially since they’re watching us…
Two – Oh yes, that’s right… They’re watching us.
One – Who are those two? It looks like they’re keeping an eye on us…
Two – Their faces look vaguely familiar, but… I don’t remember.
One – Or maybe it’s our reflection in the bowl.
Two – Yes, maybe.
Pause.
One – Hasn’t this bowl shrunk a bit…?
Two – Since when?
One – I don’t know.
Two – Yeah, maybe…
One – Or maybe we’re the ones who’ve grown.
Two – Maybe…
One – Weren’t we smaller before?
Two – I don’t remember anymore…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Goldfish est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Hello.
Two – Hi.
One – I’m a sadist.
Two – Pleased to meet you. I’m Jack.
One – Er… No, I mean… I’m a sadist… Are you a masochist?
Two – A masochist? You mean, er… No… Why?
One – Oh no, sorry, I… Looking at you like that, I thought that…
Two – You think I look like a masochist…?
One – No, no, not at all… Well, maybe a bit, don’t you?
Two – Well, no…
One – OK, OK… I got it wrong… So you’re a sadist too.
Two – A sadist? No, why?
One – Well… if you’re not a masochist, you’re a sadist, aren’t you?
Two – Oh yes…? And why’s that?
One – Because we’re in a sadomasochist club, for a start…
Two – We’re in a sadomasochist club?
One – Well yes… You didn’t know?
Two – No… I thought it was a normal club… I mean… just a club…
One – You did see the sign at the entrance.
Two – The Whip…?
One – And that didn’t ring any bells?
Two – Since there’s a racecourse right next door…
One – You thought it was a club for jockeys.
Two – Not only that, but…
One – Are you a jockey?
Two – No. But I like horses. I bet on the races from time to time. In fact, I’ve just landed the trifecta in the right order. I came here to celebrate…
One – In a sadomasochist club…
Two – I’m telling you I didn’t know!
One – You must have noticed the clientele had a slightly unusual style, though, right?
Two – Slightly unusual…?
One – The leather, the chains, the moustaches…
Two – I thought it was a bunch of bikers out on the lash.
One – Yeah…
Two – I didn’t know… It happens, doesn’t it?
One – Or maybe it was a Freudian slip…
Two – A Freudian slip…?
One – Maybe deep down you knew perfectly well what you were getting into and you felt like giving it a try.
Two – Giving it a try? Trying what?
One – Have you ever tried it?
Two – No…
One – So how do you know you wouldn’t like it, if you’ve never tried?
Two – There are loads of things I’ve never done and have absolutely no desire to try, I can assure you.
One – Oh yes? Like what…
Two – I don’t know… Skydiving, for instance.
One – Well, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Two – Have you ever been skydiving?
One – I’m a parachutist.
Two – Oh yes… But a parachutist…?
One – A parachutist.
Two – Oh right… And so, er… But you too, there must be things you’ve never done and don’t feel like trying, surely?
One – Such as?
Two – I don’t know… Voting left-wing, for example…
One – I’ve tried that already, actually…
Two – Oh yes…? And then… You didn’t like it?
One – Let’s just say I found it very disappointing.
Two – I see… So you turned to… sadomasochism.
One – When you’ve never tried…
Two – OK…
One – A quick little spanking, doesn’t that appeal to you at all?
Two – A spanking…?
One – With a riding crop, if you prefer.
Two – Come to think of it, that would remind me of my youth.
One – When you were young, did you go to sadomasochist clubs?
Two – No, but I went to a state school. They did that in class, in front of everyone, and with the parents’ consent. The teacher had the riding crop and I got the spanking.
One – The teacher whipped you with a riding crop…
Two – It’s true that, when you think about it now…
One – There you are! I knew you were a masochist.
Two – I think I’d better be off.
One – Come back any time. If one day you feel like trying again…
Two – OK… I’ll… I’ll think about it…
One – That’s it, think about it…
Two – I’m off…
One – See you soon, Jack.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The jackasses est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Ah, you’re there… I didn’t hear you arrive.
Two – And yet it took me quite a while to get to you. I was on the branch just above. I set off twenty minutes ago…
One – Did you have something urgent to tell me?
Two – No, but… I was starting to worry…
One – And why’s that?
Two – You haven’t moved for two hours. What are you thinking about?
One – I was wondering how we managed to survive for millions of years.
Two – Oh, yeah…?
One – And even today, how we manage to live past fifty.
Two – It’s true. I wonder about that too sometimes. Well, not very often…
One – We move incredibly slowly, you can’t say we’re very bright, it takes us nearly a month to digest what we eat…
Two – We only eat leaves, I don’t know why. When there are so many other things far more nourishing than leaves.
One – The world changes, but we always stay the same. We haven’t evolved at all to adapt to our environment…
Two – They say Man descends from the ape, and the ape descends from the tree… We only come down from the tree once a week, and that’s to defecate.
One – I can’t even remember why we do that, actually.
Two – Why do we only defecate once a week?
One – Why do we have to come down from the tree to do it?
Two – I don’t know.
One – Especially since that’s precisely when we’re most vulnerable.
Two – Yeah… On the other hand… our flesh is pretty much rotten, we’re covered in algae and parasites, we smell bad…
One – That’s true… We’re not exactly very appetising.
Two – That must be why we’ve survived all this time.
One – Humans say it’s better to arouse desire than pity… For us sloths, it would be rather the opposite.
Two – Yeah, when you can’t run fast and have nothing to defend yourself with, it’s definitely better to inspire disgust than desire.
One – Even tortoises move faster than we do.
Two – And at least they can always retreat into their shell.
One – Have you ever raced a tortoise?
Two – No… A snail, yes. The snail won. I wasn’t in very good shape that day…
Pause.
One – Right then, shall we go?
Two – Where to?
One – Down there, to defecate.
Two – Is that today?
One – It’s tomorrow, but since it takes us a whole day to come down from the tree…
Two – You’re right…
One – Good thing we don’t need to go, eh?
Two – No…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Sloths est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Did you hear that? In Afghanistan, women are condemned to live in rooms without windows…
Two – Without windows…?
One – So as not to risk being seen by the neighbours.
Two – It’s mad… when it would be enough just to close the shutters.
One – Even in the USA, the right to abortion is being called into question in most states.
Two – To think that America used to be the land of freedom…
One – And in Europe it’s no better…
Two – We naïvely thought that progress only went in one direction, and that light would eventually dispel the darkness.
One – But all over the world religion is rearing its head again.
Two – Religion… it’s like that monster from Greek mythology. You cut off one head and three grow back.
One – Yeah… The three monotheistic religions.
Two – Monotheistic religions are the worst. The Greeks had one religion, but several gods. At least you had a choice. And it all stayed in the family…
One – Today there are several religions, but it’s your community that imposes its own on you from birth.
Two – You’re only entitled to one god per person…
One – And since each of those three gods claims to be the only one with the right to exist…
Two – It always ends in wars of religion.
One – Atheism is the main belief in our country, and yet it’s us who are asked to keep our heads down.
Two – It’s true. Before the First World War, in France there was only one dominant religion. Being anticlerical meant being left-wing and anti-bourgeois.
One – Today, criticising religion means being racist and hostile to the working class.
Two – And yet Marx already said that religion is the opium of the people.
One – It’s true that at the time opium was a luxury reserved for the elites.
Two – And until a few years ago, cocaine was the preserve of show business.
One – Yeah. Pills of all kinds were expensive. The consecrated host, on the other hand, is free.
Two – That’s what allowed them to flood the market.
One – The consecrated host… at first it seems less dangerous to your health than LSD, but in the end it damages the neurons too.
Two – And apparently it’s even more addictive.
One – Unfortunately, religion hasn’t stopped cocaine from becoming democratised either.
Two – It’s a double punishment…
One – So there’s no hope left…?
Two – You must never despair of freedom… You throw it out through the door and it comes back through the window.
One – That’s probably why in Afghanistan they’ve decided to brick up the windows.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Hydra est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – See those two pigeons on the branch?
Two – Yes.
One – Do you think they’re a couple?
Two – Maybe.
One – I don’t know if they have their nest around here or if they’re just passing through.
Two – I don’t know.
One – In a few seconds they’ll take off and we’ll never see them again.
Two – Yeah…
One – We’ll never know where they went, or why.
Pause.
Two – At the same time, we don’t really care, do we?
One – Did you see? It looks like they’re looking at us…
Two – Yes.
One – Do you think they’re asking themselves the same question?
Two – What question?
One – When are we going to take off from here, and why?
Two – I don’t know… (Pause.) Right, let’s take off…
One – OK. Where to?
Two – I don’t know…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Pigeons est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – What are you reading?
Two – I’m not reading, it’s… it’s a method…
One – A method…
Two – A language-learning method…
One – I didn’t know there were methods for learning how to use your tongue…
Two – For learning languages! Foreign languages…
One – Ah, right… Is it for your next holiday, then? Spanish? Italian?
Two – Russian.
One – Russian…? Is that a joke?
Two – No.
One – Do you want to go on holiday to Russia?
Two – No.
One – Then why do you want to learn Russian?
Two – Why not? Russia’s a big country, isn’t it? And Russian literature is no small thing.
One – You can always read Tolstoy in translation…
Two – Yes, but it’s not the same… and besides, Russian can always come in handy.
One – Come in handy? For what?
Two – I don’t know… If one day they invaded us…
One – Right… So you’re already learning the language of the occupier.
Two – At least I’d understand what they’re saying.
One – And you’re not afraid of having your head shaved at the Liberation? You know… like in Paris.
Two – At worst, I could read War and Peace in the original…
One – Have you read it in translation already?
Two – No…
One – Do you really think the Russians could get this far?
Two – The Germans did march down the Champs-Élysées.
One – That was still closer. They only had the Rhine to cross.
Two – Napoleon did invade Russia.
One – And that didn’t work out too well for him. The Berezina is narrower than the Rhine, but it’s a lot further away… And why is there a bear on the cover of your book?
Two – It’s the symbol of Russia… strong and unpredictable. I say it’s better to be ready for any eventuality. You should start too.
One – It’s not for tomorrow, is it?
Two – No, but you don’t learn Russian in a week…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Bear est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – What’s that noise outside…? It’s unbearable… It’s even scaring the pigeons away…
Two – They’re doves…
One – It sounds like… military music.
Two – Ah yes, maybe…
One – Yes, that’s it… military music.
Two – Yes, a brass band…
One – Military music… It’s unbelievable…
Two – What is?
One – Music and military… it sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?
Two – A what?
One – Two words that don’t really go together. Not like Michelle and Ma Belle, you know.
Two – Michelle and Ma Belle…?
One – The Beatles song!
Two – Ah, yes…
One – Music is more of a pacifist thing, isn’t it?
Two – That’s true…
One – They say music soothes the savage beast.
Two – Yes…
One – So music shouldn’t go with war, should it?
Two – No.
One – Still, it’s true that military music… makes you instantly want to kill someone.
Two – Starting with the bloke who composed that masterpiece…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Doves est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Can I sit with you?
Two – I’m standing…
One – Can I stand next to you?
Two – If you shut the fuck up…
Pause.
One – It’s mad…
Two – Didn’t we say you were supposed to shut up…?
One – According to the latest research in quantum physics, 99.99% of an atom is made up of emptiness.
Two – You don’t say…?
One – That would mean we’re almost entirely made of emptiness too.
Two – Well, in your case, that doesn’t surprise me all that much.
One – It’s frightening, isn’t it?
Two – For now, it’s my glass that’s half empty. (He drains his glass.) There you go, now it’s one hundred per cent empty. Your round?
The other takes the glass and looks at it.
One – Ah, I think there’s still a drop left at the bottom. So it’s only 99.99% empty. Which means it’s just as full as you are. I think adding one more drop would make it overflow.
Two – Quantum physics… You read books on quantum physics, do you? I’ve never even seen you open a newspaper.
One – I saw it on my Facebook feed.
Two – You’ll see, before long it’ll be enough to read all that bullshit on Facebook to win the Nobel Prize for Mathematics.
One – There is no Nobel Prize for Mathematics.
Two – There isn’t a Nobel Prize for Mathematics?
One – No.
Two – And why isn’t there a Nobel Prize for Mathematics?
One – Because Mrs Nobel cheated on Mr Nobel with a mathematician. Well, that’s what I read on Facebook…
Two – And what did Mr Nobel invent, apart from the Nobel Prize?
One – He invented dynamite.
Two – Dynamite?
One – Dynamite.
Two – Was that before or after he found out he’d been cheated on?
One – I don’t know…
Two – Must’ve been after.
One – Goes to show, when you’re motivated…
Two – Yeah… Mind you, you’ve been cheated on too, and you’ve never invented anything…
Pause.
One – Did you know sloths only come down from their tree once a week?
Two – No, and I couldn’t give a fuck.
One – And do you know why?
Two – You know, they say of some animals that all they’re missing is speech. Well, you’re exactly the opposite. If only you’d shut the fuck up, you’d be the perfect companion…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Man’s Best Friend est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Did you see that? There’s a jackass on the roundabout, sitting on a chair.
Two – A jackass…? So they’re back again?
One – Who?
Two – The Yellow Vests.
One – A jackass! Don’t you know what a jackass is?
Two – Well… yes. I’ve got one right in front of me.
One – I’m talking about a real jackass, for fuck’s sake!
Two – A real jackass…? And it’s just sitting there, on a chair?
One – In the middle of the roundabout.
Two – And who had the idea of putting a chair in the middle of a roundabout?
One – I’m telling you there’s a jackass sitting on a chair in the middle of a roundabout, and you ask me who put the chair there?
Two – And so…?
One – When the wise man points at the jackass, the idiot looks at the chair…
Two – Another one of your Chinese proverbs. You sure you didn’t just make that one up?
One – It’s a free adaptation…
Two – Right… And what’s that jackass doing, sitting on its chair in the middle of the roundabout? Directing traffic?
One – It’s dead.
Two – It’s dead?
One – Of course it’s dead! Otherwise it wouldn’t just sit there on a chair in the middle of a roundabout.
Two – Which brings me back to my question: who put the chair there?
One – And more importantly, who put the jackass on the chair?
Two – And even more importantly: who killed the jackass?
One – Why do you think it was killed?
Two – Because it’s dead! Do you know many jackasses that die of natural causes sitting on a chair in the middle of a roundabout?
One – And this obsession with building roundabouts as well…
Two – What?
One – What’s the point of this roundabout? It used to be a crossroads and no one ever complained.
Two – There were quite a few accidents.
One – Yeah…
Two – Several people were killed.
One – Maybe… But never a jackass!
Two – You’re right… It’s a pretty strange story…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The jackasses again est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – It’s not exactly cheerful, all this…
Two – No.
One – There’s so much misery in the world.
Two – So many wars.
One – Children dying of hunger.
Two – Earthquakes.
One – Floods.
Two – Tornadoes.
One – Even here, at home, you read so many horrors in the newspapers.
Two – Accidents.
One – Crimes.
Two – Rapes.
One – Drownings.
Two – Indigestion.
One – And yet we go on living quite peacefully.
Two – Yes. It doesn’t keep us awake at night, that’s for sure.
One – And it doesn’t spoil our appetite.
Two – What good would it do to starve ourselves?
One – None at all, obviously.
Two – So we might as well keep stuffing ourselves.
One – Want some more?
Two – Thanks, but I can’t swallow another thing…
One – I hope it wasn’t what I said that put you off your food.
Two – Don’t be silly… You’ve already served me three times.
One – Do you think we’re too selfish?
Two – What can we do about it anyway?
One – I don’t know. Nothing, probably.
Two – We can think about it from time to time.
One – I think about it, then I forget.
Two – That’s life.
One – That’s how it is.
Two – And as for the others, really… we don’t give a toss, let’s be honest.
One – We don’t give a toss about the neighbours.
Two – Not about friends either.
One – Not about family.
Two – And they don’t give a toss about us either.
One – That’s how it is. That’s life.
Two – It’s sad, but that’s how it is.
One – Is it sad?
Two – Well… yes…
One – Anyway, we’re glad it’s not happening to us.
Two – Yes, very glad.
One – Come on, let’s finish it all.
Two – After all… it’s not Sunday every day.
One – Is it Sunday today? I thought Sunday was yesterday…
Two – Oh yes, maybe…
One – In the end, Sunday or Monday, what difference does it make?
Two – That’s not going to spoil our appetite.
One – For us, every day’s Sunday, isn’t it?
Two – I don’t give a toss about you either. Come on, cheers to me!
Blackout.

L’article Birds of Prey est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Hi.
Two – Hello.
One – Are you new around here?
Two – Yes. Aren’t you?
One – I am. I’ve been here since yesterday.
Two – Same here.
One – Right, and… do you fuck?
Two – I’m not sure. Isn’t all this a bit rushed? Tomorrow, maybe…
One – Tomorrow we’ll be dead. We’re butterflies. We only live for a day or two. And since we’ve been here since yesterday…
Two – Oh… right… OK…
One – So?
Two – You could at least take me out to lunch first, or… I don’t know… buy me a drink…?
One – I’d like to, but…
Two – But what?
One – We don’t have mouths. Or a digestive system. We’re only here to reproduce, and then we die.
Two – Are you sure?
One – Absolutely.
Two – Right.
One – Yeah, I know… Butterfly love isn’t very romantic, but still…
Two – Yeah…
One – I could do a mating dance for you, if you like.
Two – And then we kiss…?
One – We don’t have mouths, I’m telling you…
Two – OK, forget the mating dance then…
One – Great… No, because I’d worked out a little routine, but I don’t think I’ve quite mastered it yet.
Two – Your place or mine?
One – We’re butterflies, I’m telling you.
Two – All right then, let’s make some little butterflies.
One – Yeah…
Two – What now?
One – They won’t be little butterflies, you know…
Two – What will they be, then?
One – Larvae.
Two – Oh right… You really have to be motivated, don’t you…?
One – It’s to perpetuate the species.
Two – Well, if it’s to perpetuate the species, then… Let’s do it…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

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A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Butterflies est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – When I think of all those poor people who have nothing to eat…
Two – Again…?
One – While we’re here stuffing ourselves.
Two – On the other hand, sometimes we don’t really know what we’re eating, do we?
One – That’s true… We don’t know what to eat anymore.
Two – Fish is full of mercury.
One – Meat is loaded with antibiotics.
Two – Vegetables are soaked in pesticides.
One – Even chocolate, apparently, is full of heavy metals.
Two – Not to mention tap water.
One – Or even mineral water, because of plastic bottles.
Two – Yeah… I can’t remember who said you dig your grave with your teeth.
One – It’s a Chinese proverb, I think.
Two – It’s incredible how many stupid proverbs the Chinese have come up with.
One – You dig your grave with your teeth… Go and tell that to people starving to death in Africa or elsewhere.
Two – We still have to eat something, that’s for sure. We’re not going to let ourselves starve.
One – Yeah… If we have to die of something, we might as well die with a full stomach.
Two – Shall I serve you some more?
One – Gladly…
Blackout.

L’article The Scavengers est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – It’s not very warm this morning, is it?
Two – Yes. You could even say we’re freezing our asses off.
One – Look, I’ve got goose bumps.
Two – Me too.
One – At the same time, that’s normal. We’re hens.
Two – That’s true.
One – Still, I wonder if I haven’t caught a chill.
Two – Free-range, as they say… It’s nice, but… when it’s minus five outside…
One – You almost end up missing battery cages.
Two – Who do you think passed that virus on to you?
One – Yesterday a flock of migratory birds passed through, remember? They came and pecked at our grain.
Two – Those migrants really think they can do whatever they like.
One – Yes… You never know where they come from…
Two – And they’re full of diseases.
One – And you, how are you feeling?
Two – All right for now. But don’t come too close, just in case.
One – Oh, anyway, sick or not, if it’s bird flu…
Two – What?
One – They’ll cull the whole flock, won’t they?
Two – Yeah… (Pause.) Do you actually say “flock” for hens?
One – What else would you say?
Two – I don’t know.
One – They’ll cull the whole flock, you’ll see.
Two – And meanwhile, the migrants will already be sunning themselves, getting their feathers nicely browned.
One – They won’t catch a cold, that’s for sure…
Two – Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t rather have been a wild bird.
One – You always have to exaggerate.
Two – Yeah…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Hens est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Did you hear the fishmonger this morning, at the market?
Two – What?
One – When she saw us coming, she said, “Morning, old crabs.”
Two – Morning, old crabs…?
One – It’s a bit familiar, isn’t it? I mean… even for a fishmonger.
Two – I didn’t hear that.
One – Morning, old crabs… I know I’m not getting any younger, but calling me an old crab…
Two – I’m telling you I didn’t hear anything. Besides, we didn’t go to the fishmonger this morning.
One – Didn’t we?
Two – We bought a chicken.
One – Oh, right? Are you sure?
Two – The one we ate at lunchtime.
One – Then it must have been the poulterer.
Two – Morning, old crabs… Yes, that’s it, it’s coming back to me now. Are you sure she didn’t actually say “Morning, lovebirds”?
One – Lovebirds…?
Two – The poulterer, I’m telling you! Why would she say “old crabs”?
One – Oh… maybe I misheard…
Two – Yes… You have been going a bit deaf lately.
One – Morning, lovebirds is much nicer, isn’t it?
Two – Yes…
One – Are you sure she said lovebirds? I mean, old crabs and lovebirds don’t exactly sound alike…
Two – Or maybe I’m the one going deaf…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Old Crabs est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – It’s incredible… Apparently scientists have managed to create matter out of nothing.
Two – Oh yeah…?
One – You don’t seem surprised.
Two – Playwrights have been doing that for a long time already.
One – What do you mean?
Two – Creating a play out of nothing.
One – Nothing?
Two – You take two characters who don’t exist, put them facing each other, and wait…
One – But characters who have something to say to each other?
Two – Even if they have nothing to say… that can be the subject of the play.
One – The subject? What subject?
Two – Two characters who have nothing to say to each other.
One – But something happens, surely?
Two – Not necessarily. That can be the subject too.
One – Two characters who have nothing to say and nothing happens?
Two – Yes. I think that could perfectly well be the subject of a play.
One – Right.
Two – It’s very contemporary. As a subject. The difficulty of communicating… the absence of prospects… all that…
One – All that… out of nothing?
Two – No, it’s… it’s a very good subject for a play, I assure you. I’ve even got the title.
One – Oh yes?
Two – The Fish.
One – The Fish…?
Two – They say fish don’t make a sound, don’t they? So for a play with two characters who have nothing to say…
One – All right… But when you say a play… you mean a boring play.
Two – That’s the risk… with creation ex nihilo.
One – Right.
Two – Besides, I’d point out that… ex nihilo nihil fit. Nothing comes from nothing.
One – OK.
Two – I’d even go further: ex nihilo nihil fit, in nihilum nil posse reverti. Nothing comes from nothing, nothing can return to nothing.
One – OK…
Two – What scientists have done isn’t creating matter out of nothing, but creating matter out of light.
One – Right…
Two – In other words, even in theatre you can create something out of nothing… but you have to be a bright spark.
One – Right…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Fish est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Hi. Are you a forager too? I’ve never seen you outside.
Two – No, I’m a nurse.
One – Right… That explains it then.
Two – Being a forager must be nice, though. At least you get to see the world.
One – Yes, well… it depends on the weather. Sometimes I’d quite like to stay warm inside the hive as well.
Two – And how’s the pollen harvest going? It’s peak season, isn’t it?
One – Can’t complain. We’re on chestnut at the moment.
Two – Chestnut? I thought it was lavender.
One – So did I, but yesterday morning I woke up and when I went outside, the lavender fields had been replaced by a chestnut forest.
Two – Sometimes I wonder if the hive moves on its own at night.
One – On its own, do you think?
Two – I don’t know…
One – In any case, it’s well organised, this hive. Everyone has their job.
Two – Yes… Do you think there are hives that are less well organised?
One – I don’t know, it’s the only one I know.
Two – Either way, there’ll be plenty of honey again this year.
One – Yes… Listen, I wanted to ask you something, since you’re often inside the hive.
Two – Yes…?
One – Where does all the honey we make actually go?
Two – Why do you ask?
One – I don’t know. We produce kilos of honey, and we’re fed some kind of vile molasses.
Two – I don’t know… It’s like the lavender fields. You wake up one morning and all the honey’s gone. Replaced by molasses…
One – I like honey. I’d quite like to eat some from time to time. Have you ever eaten honey?
Two – No…
One – Sometimes I wonder if we’re being taken for fools…
Two – We…? Who’s we?
One – Well… I don’t really know, that’s just it…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Bees est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Where on earth are we going to go on holiday this year?
Two – I don’t know… It’s getting harder and harder to find a country that isn’t a dictatorship…
One – Finland…?
Two – And where you can still find a bit of sunshine in the summer.
One – In Franco’s day, people went on holiday to the Costa Brava, and it didn’t bother them that much.
Two – Those were dictators who hadn’t been democratically elected. You could hope things would change one day. What bothers me is going on holiday to a country where people have deliberately chosen a dictatorship.
One – Like in our own country, you mean…?
Two – You’re right… We’re not going to deprive ourselves of a holiday either…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Migrants est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – If aliens landed on Earth right now, what would you say to them?
Two – I’d say… go straight back home. There’s nothing here we could teach you. We had everything we needed to be happy. And yet a tiny minority of privileged people has turned everyone else’s lives into hell.
One – Oh right…
Two – And if you decide to stay and colonise us, don’t worry. Nothing you could possibly do to human beings hasn’t already been done by other human beings.
One – OK…
Two – And if you want to destroy the Earth and wipe out Humanity, don’t worry about that either. In any case, before long we’d have achieved the same result all by ourselves, without any outside help.
One – So that’s what you’d tell them…?
Two – Yes… And you?
One – I don’t know… I’m looking for mitigating circumstances…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Predators est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Life’s unfair, really…
Two – What?
One – We toads are stigmatised, aren’t we?
Two – Oh yes…? What makes you say that…?
One – Well… I don’t know anyone who dreams of being reincarnated as a toad, do you?
Two – Yeah… That’s probably why they invented that story.
One – What story?
Two – The one about the toad who turns into Prince Charming.
One – As long as you can find a princess willing to kiss a toad. That doesn’t leave us with much hope, really.
Two – True.
One – Do you think it’s ever actually happened, a toad turning into Prince Charming?
Two – What’s certain is that, with age, every Prince Charmings ends up turning into toads.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Toads est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Are you all right?
Two – Yes… why do you ask?
One – I don’t know. Sometimes I get the feeling that something isn’t quite right.
Two – No, no, everything’s fine…
One – They say all crows look alike, but I don’t know… you’ve always seemed different to me.
Two – Oh yes…?
One – I don’t know… something in the way you caw. Even in the way you fly…
Two – You think so…?
One – Am I wrong?
Two – No.
One – Then what is it? What’s your secret, Babac?
Two – You won’t tell anyone?
One – I swear.
Two – I’d barely hatched when I was adopted by humans.
One – Really?
Two – I never knew my parents. From what I later understood, the tree our nest was in had been cut down by a woodcutter. My parents fled, and I fell at the foot of the tree. It was the woodcutter who took me home.
One – That’s incredible… And then?
Two – They fed me by spoon. I slept safely inside the house.
One – Did they put you in a cage?
Two – No, I was completely free.
One – You could have flown away.
Two – They were all very kind to me. And besides, where would I have gone? I didn’t know any other crows. I didn’t even know I was a crow.
One – You didn’t know you were a crow?
Two – I’d never seen other birds. I didn’t even know I could fly.
One – You didn’t…?
Two – To get around the house and the garden, I just hopped about. I didn’t need to fly. I didn’t even know what it meant. My humans didn’t fly either…
One – And then?
Two – I lived like that for a few years. I was quite happy.
One – And after that?
Two – One day I hopped a little higher than usual to get onto a table, flapping my wings at the same time. And I realised I could fly. At first it was just to reach a wall. Then a tree. And little by little I began to fly like a real crow.
One – So you left?
Two – Not straight away. I was happy with them. And I didn’t know where to go. Sometimes I’d leave for a few hours, but I always came back. Then I started leaving for several days…
One – And then?
Two – I met other crows and realised that my place wasn’t with humans.
One – That can’t have been easy…
Two – No. I had to learn everything. To learn how to feed myself, for a start. And then unlearn everything I’d learnt in my foster family. Because I soon realised that for other humans, I was just a crow like any other. That I couldn’t expect anything from them, and that I risked being shot if I got too close.
One – I knew you weren’t like the others…
Two – Yes…
One – And you never missed your foster family?
Two – I did. Sometimes I still think of them. But I had to leave them to live my life as a crow. I think, deep down, they understood that very well. And I thank them for never having put me in a cage.
One – And your real parents…?
Two – I never saw them again. Years later I went back to the place where my tree had been cut down by the woodcutter. It was no longer a wood, it was a wheat field. That day there were lots of crows in the sky. And down below there was a man painting a picture.
One – A picture?
Two – A painter…
One – Oh yes, I’ve seen one of those before… And what was he painting?
Two – The field… with the crows.
One – Then maybe you’re in the painting…
Two – Maybe.
One – Hang on a moment… Do you see that toad over there?
Two – Yes. There are actually two of them.
One – You wouldn’t happen to be a bit peckish…?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Crows est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Are you all right?
Two – Yes…
Pause.
One – You don’t look all right.
Two – Yes, yes, I’m fine…
One – Right…
Pause.
Two – They’ve arrested the neighbour…
One – The neighbour?
Two – The one on the left.
One – How do you know he’s left-wing? We stopped talking about politics a long time ago. Especially with the neighbours…
Two – On the landing. The flat on the left.
One – Ah yes. The neighbour on the left… And so… they arrested him.
Two – Yes.
Pause.
One – Why did they arrest him?
Two – Who knows…
Pause.
One – So they arrested him…
Two – Yes…
One – Right… it’s…
Two – That’s how it is.
One – And how do you know?
Two – I saw a black car parked in front of the building. Then I heard noise on the landing. I looked through the spyhole. They rang his doorbell. He opened the door, and they arrested him.
One – And then they took him away…
Two – When I saw them arrive… I thought they were going to ring our doorbell. I’m a bit ashamed to admit it, but… when I saw they were ringing the neighbour’s door, I felt relieved.
One – I understand that…
Pause.
Two – Do you think they’ll arrest us as well?
One – Why would they arrest us?
Two – Who knows… Because we knew the bloke they’ve just arrested, maybe.
One – Did you know him?
Two – No… Well, I said hello to him once or twice.
One – You maybe shouldn’t have.
Two – How was I supposed to know…?
One – Know what…?
Two – That they were going to arrest him.
One – Still, you don’t get arrested just for saying hello to someone.
Two – You think…?
One – I don’t know… I don’t say hello to anyone anymore, just like that…
Two – You have to say hello to people you know.
One – They don’t say hello to us anymore either, I’ll remind you.
Two – That’s true.
One – In fact, we don’t know anyone anymore.
Two – No. Everyone we knew, they’ve arrested.
One – And now they’re starting to arrest people we don’t even know.
Two – It makes you wonder why they haven’t arrested us yet.
One – We haven’t done anything wrong, have we?
Two – No. Well, I don’t think so… Do you think we’ve done something wrong?
One – I don’t know.
Two – Even if we haven’t done anything wrong…
One – If they look hard enough, they’ll find something, that’s for sure.
Two – Maybe we’d be better off moving…
One – Where would we go?
Two – I don’t know.
One – And they’d find that suspicious.
Two – Suspicious?
One – If we move, it means we’ve done something wrong.
Two – In any case, they’d end up finding us.
One – Moving’s all very well, but… you still have to move somewhere.
Two – I think the neighbour on the left had only just moved in.
One – That’s why we didn’t know him.
Two – And that’s probably why they arrested him.
One – Probably…
Two – You’re right, it’s better if we stay here.
One – Yeah… This isn’t the time to draw attention to ourselves.
Pause.
Two – And you, are you all right?
One – I’m fine…
Two – You don’t look all right.
One – Yes, yes, I’m fine…
Two – Right…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Prey est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Do you really mean what you’re saying?
Two – Do you really mean what you’re saying?
One – No, I was genuinely asking whether you really meant what you were saying…
Two – Oh, sorry…
Pause.
One – So?
Two – Whether I mean what I’m saying?
One – Yes.
Two – And what exactly did I say?
One – I don’t know. I think you were repeating what I’d said.
Two – And you? Did you really mean what you were saying?
One – I don’t know. I was just repeating what I’d heard said.
Two – That’s incredible… So we don’t really mean what we say?
One – No…
Pause.
Two – At the same time, we’re parrots. We’re not supposed to think, are we?
One – At the same time, we’re parrots. We’re not supposed to think, are we?
Pause.
Two – Do you really mean what you’re saying?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Parrots est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.