You’re going to laugh, but I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing here… And you? No, I mean, do you know what I’m supposed to be doing? What I’m supposed to say? If you do, feel free to let me know, alright? I’m completely in the dark. I’m standing here like a computer abruptly unplugged, only to be replaced by a vacuum cleaner. Or maybe it’s a sudden power outage. A blackout. I should have created a backup. But who could have predicted they’d disconnect my power? Maybe I forgot to pay the bill… I’m not talking about a momentary lapse of memory, okay? In that case, I’d improvise. Keep going until it comes back to me. Until I find the thread again. Or I’d ask the prompter, right? Oh, there’s no prompter anymore, that’s true… There’s no script either, and no author. Staff downsizing. You’ll see that soon, they’ll also remove the safety nets for tightrope walkers, and the words to say. When they remove the nets for fishermen, and the webs for spiders, then we really need to worry… They’re leading us up the garden path, and we’re the ones still hacking through the underbrush. Tightrope walkers with bats in the belfry… Aren’t we all a bit like that, in some way? As long as we maintain our balance and walk confidently on the tightrope, everything seems fine. However, once we lose our way… When words escape us, we might blurt out anything. We might utter things we shouldn’t. And later on, all we can offer is an apologetic, “Excuse me, it slipped out.” It’s far from what I intended to express; in fact, it’s precisely what I had hoped to keep silent about. The thought struck me, and the words spilled out involuntarily. After all, one feels compelled to say something, doesn’t one? The need to break the silence takes over. Silence is more unbearable than anything, you see. Especially when people have made the effort to come hear you speak, and they’ve purchased their tickets. When I mention silence, I’m not limiting it to mere verbal communication, you know? A mime can be more eloquent than anyone. And I’m not sure if you’ve ever ridden the bus with a group of deaf-mutes, but the hustle and bustle are quite a sight. No, being present without uttering a word is far more challenging than engaging in meaningless chatter, trust me. However, engaging in idle talk, well, that carries its own weight. A lapse of memory is akin to a slide. Like a black hole. We know we’ll eventually land on our backsides, but we’re uncertain about the destination. The only certainty is that once we initiate the slide, there’s no turning back. Therefore, feeling a bit uneasy before taking the plunge is only natural, isn’t it? Why am I sharing all this? Where is this leading? You’re not saying anything, are you? You’re not helping me much… But then, I’m used to it. I just came from my psychoanalyst’s office. He never says anything either. You’d say it saves him from taking crap. Strangely, all the therapists who said something to me seemed more disturbed than I am. Still. Him, I’ve never heard the sound of his voice. In ten years. So I just told him that we’d better leave it at that, actually. No, it really cost me too much to try every week to find something to say to him. Especially with the switch to the euro… Hence, when it went to twice a week… I won’t even go there. Moreover, I don’t really need to lie down anymore, now that I’m here, right? Here, I’m a bit like on the couch. With several rows of therapists listening to me in silence. And at least here, it’s you who shells out the bills at each session…

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article On a knife-edge est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Should I lie down or…? Okay… I’m not quite sure where to begin… I found your contact details in the phone book… You know how it is – you can ask a friend if they know a good, not-too-expensive dentist who won’t cause too much pain, but… someone like you. So, I consulted the phone book… And then I randomly picked your name from the rather long list… Quite a job paid in cash in these times, isn’t it? They say you don’t need a degree to do your job. That all it takes is to have been a client to start your own practice… Is that true? So, after this, I can consider myself in training too. But doesn’t it bother you a bit that all your clients become potential competitors? Can you imagine? I visit my butcher, buy a calf’s head, and as I walk out, I open a butcher shop right across the street… Not likely to happen, mind you; I can’t stand meat… I even have trouble with eggs. Well, I eat them occasionally, but… They say birds are descendants of dinosaurs… So, an egg is a bit like a dinosaur foetus, right? In reality, I didn’t pick your name entirely by chance. You were the last one on the list… Since your surname starts with a Z… I probably wanted to right a wrong… It’s my Zorro side. Yes, I imagine others always choose the first one on the list… Mr. Aa, Mrs. Ab, or Mr. Bb… I can imagine what you must have endured during your studies… If you had any… Always the last one in line for everything… I’m okay with it. I’m in the S… Towards the end of the line, but still… It’s funny, my last name is Stone even though my father was Spanish… I don’t know why I said “was,” because he still is… I mean, alive. Well, I think he is… But can we still say he’s Spanish? He was naturalised.. American, I mean… Not stuffed… Or frozen… It’s crazy, all those women who put their kids in the freezer, right? Between fish sticks and ice pops… If only kids could do the same with their parents… Preserve them in the freezer until they figure out what to do with them… Why am I telling you all this…? Oh yes, the Z! So, I have to tell you everything from the beginning, right? From A to Z. Or rather, from D to K… Since they call me Dick… I’ve never liked my short name… Did you notice? The designated idiot is always named Dick… Take, for instance, the show “Bewitched.” Are you familiar with it? Well, Samantha’s husband is the classic idiot of the story. You won’t believe it, but the two actors who successively interpreted the role were both called Dick ! Samantha spends her entire day rescuing him from the embarrassment of being taken for the genuine idiot he truly is. And she has to use all of her magical powers to prevent that. Well, she loves her husband because he’s a nice guy. Nice, but an idiot. That’s the general idea of Dick, usually. I have a daughter too. I should have named her Tabitha. I don’t mean to say my wife is a witch. She’s more like a fairy… To put up with me… That’s what my mother always tells her: “How do you put up with him?” My mother is from Normandy. Like the cows. So, milk, butter, cream… We’ve had our fill… I can’t digest butter, you see. I must have inherited that from my father. In Spain, it’s more about olive oil. He always used to say to her: “Why do you put so much cream in the soup?” He should have asked her why she didn’t put more soup in her cream… Apparently, she couldn’t help herself… It’s in the genes… Eventually, my father found someone else to serve him soup… At home, it’s me who cooks now. That way, at least, I know what I’m eating. You’re not saying anything… You’re surely wondering why I came to see you. If I knew, I probably wouldn’t have come, I guess. Well, there is something, after all. How can I put this? The more time goes by… the closer I feel to minerals. I don’t know why. You know the saying: “The more I know people, the more I love my dog”? Well, for me, the more time passes, the more people bore me. Dogs too, actually. It’s with stones that I truly feel at ease… A human life… It’s too short, isn’t it? So, a dog’s life… Whereas a stone doesn’t age… Even trees don’t mean anything to me anymore. Though some are over a thousand years old. But a tree also eventually dies. It can even get diseases. And then it’s eaten by worms, just like everything else. It eventually goes back into the food chain. A stone, no. Nobody eats rocks! Except maybe hens, it’s true… To make the shells of their eggs. You’re right; we can’t really say that stones are truly eternal either… Do you think dinosaurs also ate rocks to make their eggs? In that case, what’s the point of being a stone? If it’s just to end up as empty shells after making an omelette… So why do I like stones, doctor? I mean, Mr. Z. Do you think it has something to do with my name? Dick Stone…

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Couch est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.