One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I just saw a unicorn go by.
Two – Are unicorns dangerous?
One – Not that I know of.
Two – Then there’s no reason to panic.
One – Yeah… Besides, it looked pretty skittish. It bolted as soon as it saw me.
Two – Maybe it had never seen a human before. The first time must be quite a shock.
One – Right. Imagine being told your whole life that humans don’t exist… and then suddenly seeing one.
Two – It must have freaked out.
One – Still… What was that unicorn doing here? Humans and unicorns aren’t supposed to meet, are they?
Two – No, it’s weird.
One – Yeah…
Two – Yesterday, at the beach, I saw a mermaid.
One – A mermaid?
Two – Not on the beach, lying on a towel… In the water!
One – How did you know it was a mermaid if it was in the water?
Two – I was scuba diving. I was chasing a squid, and suddenly, I came face to face with a mermaid.
One – She must have been surprised.
Two – Yes. Just like your unicorn.
One – And what did she say to you?
Two – Nothing. She looked at me with wide eyes and then swam away calmly.
One – That’s crazy.
Two – Yeah. These kinds of encounters are getting more common, aren’t they?
One – Must be climate change.
Two – Yesterday, in a bar, a guy told me he saw a dragon.
One – A dragon?
Two – I’m not sure if it’s true.
One – But a fire-breathing dragon?
Two – I didn’t think to ask.
One – Honestly, what kind of world are we living in?
Two – Yeah… You know, if a centaur or a harpy walked by right now, I don’t think I’d even flinch.
One – Harpies are still less rare than mermaids, aren’t they?
A pause.
Two – So, how was your trip to Rome?
One – Great. I even saw the Pope.
Two – You met the Pope?
One – No, he didn’t grant me a private audience. I saw him passing through the crowd on Saint Peter’s Square.
Two – That’s something… And what did he look like?
One – In a robe, with a skullcap on his head and a tube in his nose. In a sort of golf cart.
Two – Ah, yes.
One – I was incredibly lucky to visit the Vatican that day. The next day, he was dead.
Two – Oh yeah, quite the timing.
One – Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay for the funeral. With low-cost flights, the tickets can’t be changed.
Two – Miracles don’t happen that often.
One – Yeah… (A pause) Look, the unicorn just went by again…
Two – Maybe it’s starting to get used to us.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

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A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Chimeras est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – The Pope is dead.
Two – No way… But how old was he?
One – A hundred and two.
Two – You see? It’s always the best ones who go first.
One – Sorry?
Two – No, I mean… Sometimes it’s the worst who go last. Well… you know what I mean.
One – As they say up there: the first shall be last.
Two – We’ll miss him, you’ll see.
One – Yes, because there’s no telling what the next one will be like… You know what you’ve got, you don’t know what you’ll get.
Two – A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
One – He was a progressive Pope, though.
Two – He stood for world peace and love between men.
One – Yes, well… love between men…
Two – True, he was against gay marriage.
One – And against condoms, even to prevent AIDS.
Two – Against abortion, even in cases of rape or incest.
One – But still… He was a progressive Pope… compared to his predecessors.
Two – True, the Church has evolved on many issues.
One – It no longer burns witches at the stake.
Two – Yes… Nowadays, witches can move freely.
One – Or even start their own business.
Two – The Church has given up on crusades.
One – It no longer openly encourages religious wars.
Two – Even if religion remains the root of most of them.
One – The Church calls for a ceasefire in the Middle East.
Two – And has been for nearly a century. No result yet… but still…
One – It’s the thought that counts.
Two – They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
One – The Church has given up on Inquisition tribunals.
Two – Yes. Nowadays, a scientist can freely state that the Earth revolves around the sun without risking prison, like Galileo.
One – Isn’t that progress?
Two – Yes…
One – Actors are no longer excommunicated. They’re allowed to be buried in the cemetery.
Two – To think that Molière almost ended up in a mass grave. Without the intervention of King Louis XIV…
One – That’s progress too.
Two – And the Church has also evolved a lot regarding politics.
One – Yes. In the event of a coup d’état, the Church no longer automatically sides with the dictatorship. Like in Mussolini’s Italy, Franco’s Spain, Pinochet’s Chile, or Videla’s Argentina…
Two – It’s true that there are fewer coups nowadays, but still…
One – On social issues too…
Two – The Church still forbids the ordination of women and still enforces priestly celibacy, but…
One – It now discreetly reprimands priests who’ve abused minors.
Two – After the statute of limitations, but still… it’s a start.
One – And it generously offers compensation to victims… using the church collection.
Two – No, you can’t say the Church isn’t evolving, but…
One – You can’t say it’s ahead of its time either…
Two – No, you can’t say that either.
One – Let’s just say it’s only a century or two behind.
Two – Maybe after half a dozen progressive popes, it’ll finally catch up with modern times.
One – In any case, this one has just died.
Two – Let’s hope they don’t replace him with someone even more conservative, because at this rate…
One – Yeah, we’ll never get out of the woods.
Two – Can you imagine what it would be like after half a dozen traditionalist popes?
One – Even today, in the United States, some people claim that the Earth is flat and that the first humans lived alongside dinosaurs.
Two – Yes. If there’s a return to tradition, like in Poland, witches and doctors who perform abortions could be in real trouble.
One – They say there’s no smoke without fire… When it comes to witchcraft, for the Church, it’s more like no fire without smoke.
Two – In the meantime, we’ll just have to watch for the white smoke…
One – What, popes get cremated now?
Two – The white smoke! The one that announces the election of the new pope.
One – Ah, right… Let’s hope it’s another progressive pope.
Two – You mean an old, celibate, senile man, elected by a hundred other old men in robes… who will tell young women what they can’t do with their bodies?
One – Yeah, it’s not looking good…
Two – I’ll believe in the Church’s progressiveness the day the smoke is pink. To announce that the new pope is a woman.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Pink Smoke est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.