Magda is sweeping the floor. Edward arrives in a three-piece suit.
Edward – Oh, Magda… Just the person I was looking for…
Magda stops sweeping.
Magda – Sir?
Edward – How long have you been sweeping for us, Magda?
Magda – I don’t know, Sir. I don’t keep track. Are you unsatisfied with my work?
Edward – Quite the contrary, I wanted to congratulate you. Are you familiar with our bank’s motto?
Magda – We sweep it all under the carpet?
Edward – That’s right! Excellent, Magda! And thanks to you, the carpets of the Union Credit are always spotless. And you could say bank’s carpets are a reflection of the bank’s reputation. If the carpets aren’t spotless, clients might start to think that…
Magda – The banker might be dirty as well…
Edward – Exactly! You get it, Magda.
Magda – May I get back to work, Sir?
Edward – Not just quite yet, Magda…
Magda – Alright…
Edward clears his throat.
Edward – As you know, Magda… my dear Magda… I would even say, my very dear Magda… we are living in trying times.
Magda – Are we, Sir?
Edward – We are in a financial crisis, Magda! Even if you don’t read the financial press every day you must have heard about it? Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, you’re Russian, aren’t you, Magda?
Magda – Polish, Sir…
Edward – That’s even better! I mean, worse… Poland is in an even more catastrophic financial situation. Don’t tell me you hadn’t heard?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – Anyway, we’re in a recession, and the financial sector is the first affected by the global loss of values…
Magda – Values…
Edward – I’m talking about stock and bond values, of course, but believe me, Magda, it’s a very small step from economic depression to plain old depression. When the stock market is slow, so is morale. And when morale is low, moral crisis comes knocking.
Magda – Yes, Sir…
Edward – Take yourself for example, Magda, don’t tell me you’re not a little depressed?
Magda – I’m doing fine, Sir, thank you for asking…
Edward – Don’t take this the wrong way, Magda, but your appearance, the way you’re standing there, with your broom… You don’t exactly scream joie de vivre!
Magda – I might be a little tired at the moment… Endlessly sweeping things under the carpet…
Edward – Never mind, my point is, Magda, that our bank is, of course, also affected by all those financial troubles… and we need to cut costs. You understand that, don’t you?
Magda – Yes, Sir…
Edward – With nothing but your wellbeing in mind, the Union Credit has had to take a series of drastic, yet painful, measures in order to maintain your position. A position whose continued existence was, I am now free to reveal, gravely threatened.
Magda – Thank you, Sir…
Edward – I therefore have the pleasure to let you know that you are still employed.
Magda – I’m working off the books, Sir…
Edward – Regardless, you’ll still be able to continue sweeping our floors for the foreseeable future. And who knows? Maybe one day I’ll let you sweep under the carpet in the Director’s office.
Magda – I live in hope, Sir…
Edward – Obviously, the Union Credit expects you to meet us halfway in our efforts to maintain the number of jobs in this country. As you know, unemployment leads to the loss of spending power, no spending power leads to a loss of consumer confidence, and without consumer confidence there’s no jobs… and the vicious circle of stagflation is closed. Are you following me?
Magda – I’m trying, Sir…
Edward – I realise this is going way over your head, of course, my poor Magda, but you can trust me… Here, I’ll make it simple for you… In exchange for you keeping your job, the Union Credit is also giving you a salary reduction of thirty per cent. I think you’ll find this offer more than fair.
Magda – Thirty per cent?
Edward – It’s a little less than a third.
Magda – A third less?
Edward – Well yes, not a third more, obviously. In these trying times even cleaning jobs are few and far between, Magda. Soon you’ll need a Master’s Degree just to apply for a job sweeping floors, even off the books! And then you’ll be competing against those who benefit from nepotism or a quick chat on the casting couch… Do you have a Master’s Degree, Magda?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – I imagine you don’t have anyone you can rely on for some good old nepotism?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – As for the casting couch, my dear Magda, no offence but the odds aren’t in your favour… But what can you do…? People can’t help the way they look… It’s the great lottery of life… Even the Union Credit can’t change that… Some people are born in Switzerland with double-barrelled names and attractive physiques, while others… Anyway, you’ll agree that our offer is very generous… What do you think?
Magda – What do I think, Sir?
Edward – Yes Magda… It isn’t necessary that you have an opinion on this matter, but I will still listen to you nonetheless. We are still a democracy, if nothing else…
Magda actually seems to be thinking about it.
Magda – What do I think…
Edward – You must be thinking something…
Magda – What I think…? (Magda raises her broom to strike Edward). I’ll show you what I think, Sir!
Edward – Magda? Have you lost your mind?
Magda chases Edward with her broom backstage into the wings.
Edward – Magda, please, calm down! This is just a first offer! The bank is also a big supporter of labour relations…
We hear Edward’s cries coming from the wings.
Edward – Ow… Ouch… Twenty per cent?
Magda – I’ll give you twenty per cent more of this! 
Edward – Ten per cent?
Magda – Ten per cent raise?
Edward – Well, I mean…
They both come back on stage. Magda is keeping Edward in check with her broom, ready to strike again.
Edward – Very well Magda… Knowing how and when to end a negotiation is a skill and I can see your counter offer is not negotiable… We have a deal… The Union Credit agrees to your request for a ten per cent raise…
Magda – Very well, Sir.
Edward – Having said that, I like your tough negotiating style… At the bank we like to leverage our employees’ strengths… And you, Magda, have quite a strong personality…
Magda – Thank you, Sir…
Edward – Would you be interested in a training session, paid for by the bank of course, to allow you to join our repo team? Like I said, we’re in a financial crisis and there’s more and more clients defaulting on their payments…
She shoots him a dark glance. He retreats cautiously.
Edward – Let’s not talk about it anymore, Magda. I’ll let you get back to work…
Magda – Thank you, Sir.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Sidewalk Chronicles
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article A Good Sweep est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A homeless person arrives. He spots a coin on the ground and picks it up.
One – Two euros… It’s my lucky day.
A second homeless person arrives.
Two – Hey…
One – Hey… I’ve never seen you on this street before.
Two – Yeah, I’m new. What’s it to you?
One – Just surprised, that’s all.
Two – The street belongs to everyone, right?
One – The street, maybe… But the sidewalk…
Two – And you? How long have you been squatting on this sidewalk?
One – Yeah. This is my place.
Two – You’re a homebody, huh?
One – I have my routines, yeah. I know everyone around here.
Two – You know everyone. But no one knows you.
One – Well, at least, I don’t know you.
Two – But I know you.
One – You know me?
Two – You really don’t remember me?
One – No.
Two – It’s true; I’ve changed a bit. You have too, by the way.
One – I’m not a fan of riddles.
Two – Picture me clean-shaven, in a suit and tie, behind a fake mahogany desk.
One – Sorry, it’s hard for me.
Two – I was your financial advisor.
The other remains momentarily stunned.
One – Scum! And you come to taunt me on my street again? I’ll strangle you, you piece of garbage!
He tries to grab the other’s throat, but the other dodges.
Two – Easy! We can talk, after all. And I have a proposition for you.
One – A proposition? If I ended up like this, it’s precisely because of the rotten investments you advised me, you bastard!
Two – This time it’s different, I assure you. It’s absolutely risk-free.
One – Risk-free? Of course, it’s risk-free! What else could I possibly have to lose? You left me with only the shirt on my back!
Two – You said it yourself, you have nothing to lose, and neither do I. So, yes or no, do you want a chance to make a comeback?
One – No!
Two – Alright then. Too bad for you. I’ll try to find another partner. I’m leaving because I don’t have time to waste. It’s a unique opportunity that I have to seize in the next hour.
He starts to leave.
One – Okay, go on…
Two – Are you sure?
One – I’m listening…
Two – Well, I had just one 50-euro bill left.
One – Is that all you have left of what you stole from me?
Two – I decided to go all-in. I went to see a fortune teller earlier, and she gave me the five numbers for the next lottery.
One – Is this a joke?
Two – I assure you, she was very confident.
One – Fine. So, you’re going to become a millionaire? Good for you. And how does that concern me? Do you plan to repay me with your big win?
Two – Not exactly.
One – It’s strange, but I suspected as much.
Two – So, I gave her the 50 euros I had left to get this insider information… and I don’t even have two euros left to buy a lottery ticket.
One – And?
Two – I only have an hour left!
One – So what?
Two – Well, I was wondering if… if you’d be interested in investing in this venture. You put in the two euros. And we split the profits. Two-thirds for me, one-third for you.
One – Basically, you want me to give you the two euros I just found on the ground… to buy a lottery ticket because a fortune teller just gave you the winning numbers.
Two – So, you do have two euros to invest in this venture! You won’t regret it, trust me.
One – But you really take me for a fool! With these two euros, I can buy a baguette and a litre of red wine!
Two – But I’m offering you a chance to make a fortune!
One – You’re the one who ruined me!
Two – You disappoint me. Even in the highly unlikely event that this fortune teller got it wrong, I’m offering you the chance to win 60 million! And you’re talking about a baguette and a litre of wine? Let me tell you something: You’re not worthy of being my partner in this venture. Alright, I’m leaving…
He’s about to go.
One – Okay. Fifty-fifty. It’s still me taking the financial risk. As usual…
Two – Okay, but you drive a hard bargain.
He extends his hand, and the other gives him the two euros.
Two – You won’t regret it, trust me. Wait for me here; I’ll be back. Tonight, we’ll be rich!
One – Before I met you, I already was.
The other leaves.
Two – Why do I have this unpleasant feeling of being conned again?
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Sidewalk Chronicles
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Second Chance est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A man slowly regains consciousness in his bed. The woman enters, dressed as a businesswoman, holding a laptop in a briefcase.
Woman – Good morning, dear sir.
Man – Good morning…
Woman – Excuse me for a moment, it won’t take long.
Man – Please, go ahead…
She takes the laptop out of the briefcase, turns it on, and places it on the nightstand so that he can see the screen.
Woman – Do you remember the Wi-Fi password?
Man – I don’t even remember my name.
Woman – No worries, we can skip it. (She clears her throat) Dear sir, I wanted to meet you without delay because I have some good news to share.
Man – A new product, perhaps? A miracle cure? Something that could save my life.
Woman – You’ve said the words right out of my mouth, dear sir. Indeed, the new financial products I have to offer could change your life.
Man – I suppose you’re not a doctor, then.
Woman – I’m your financial advisor. You do hold an account with the Holy Spirit Bank, don’t you?
Man – Yes, perhaps.
Woman – I can assure you that you are one of our top clients.
Man – That’s good to know. Because I’m not even sure I’m a good Catholic…
Woman – Don’t worry; it’s not mandatory for stock trading. And as a privileged client of our bank, I wanted to offer you, as a priority, our new investment opportunities with absolutely exceptional returns.
Man – Oh, I see.
Woman – Look at this graph. (She shows him a chart.) Our new investment fund, the Phoenix Growth Fund, has gained 27% in the last six months.
Man – The Phoenix? Oh yes, that sounds promising. But why that name?
Woman – The year before, unfortunately, the Phoenix had lost 73% of its stock value. It’s a high-risk investment, reserved for the boldest investors, but it always rises from its ashes!
Man – I’m not sure I can say the same.
Woman – Come now, I’m sure I can recognize a fighter in you. The stock market is always a winning investment in the long term.
Man – You know, the long term, for me… I told you I just received the last rites?
Woman – I was getting to that, dear sir. I won’t hide from you that you need to decide quickly. This is an exceptional opportunity. But it won’t be available for everyone. We can only serve our most reactive clients.
Man – I’m not sure I’m very reactive anymore, even to medical treatments. To be honest, I’m starting to wonder if I’m already dead…
She opens her case and takes out a brochure, handing it to him with a sales smile.
Woman – Don’t worry… we also have a range of life and death insurance products.
Man (taking the document) – Thank you…
Woman – I’ll let you think it over, dear sir. We won’t hound you, will we? We’re here to provide you with advice, above all…
Man – Right, I’ll think it over.
Woman – I’ll leave you now; I have other potential investors to see in this facility. By the way, what is this place? Some kind of retirement home?
Man – It’s a Palliative Care Unit.
Woman – I see. So, see you very soon. But think fast, dear sir. In your case, especially, you don’t have any time to waste… and it would be a shame to miss such an opportunity.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Not even dead
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Phoenix est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A man and a woman arrive.
Gina – You don’t smoke anymore?
Alan – No, I’ve quit.
Gina – That’s good.
Alan prepares a line of cocaine and snorts it.
Alan – Instead, I’ve gone back to cocaine.
Alan exits. Gina remains. Blanca arrives.
Blanca – Hi.
Gina – Hi.
Blanca – I can’t quit smoking.
Gina – Me neither.
Blanca – It’s the job. It stresses me out, so I smoke to unwind.
Gina – It’s the job you should quit.
Blanca – Sure. But I wonder if I wouldn’t have even more trouble quitting work.
Gina – Work is a hard drug. It should be banned.
Blanca – Yes. What about you? What do you do?
Gina – Litigation… (Seeing Blanca’s puzzled look) Debt collection, that sort of thing.
Blanca – Cool. Do you like it?
Gina – Since I was a child, I’ve dreamed of harassing poor over-indebted people and extorting their last savings to pay off their credit for things they don’t need.
Blanca – I see…
Gina – And you? Do you also work to make humanity happy?
Blanca – Bank advisor… It should be illegal to call people who are salespeople “bank advisors.” We’re not here to give advice; we’re here to sell products.
Gina – Yes… My internet provider calls me every evening to check if I need anything… In fact, he’s the only one who does…
Blanca – Have you seen the number of home services companies springing up now next to electronic cigarette shops?
Gina – What are home services?
Blanca – Housekeeping, cooking, conversation…
Gina – So now, to talk to someone, you have to pay.
Blanca – Don’t worry, with me it’s free. For now.
Gina – We’re living in strange times…
Blanca – Well, I have to get back to work. Thank you; talking with you has lifted my spirits.
They leave.
Black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Ministry of Planning est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.