Two characters (men or women) face each other. They remain silent for a moment.
One – I’m afraid it’s time for us to say goodbye…
Two – Oh, let’s not get sentimental. We both knew this moment would come.
One – Still, it means something to me.
Two – You’ll forget me soon enough, you’ll see.
One – Your bust is in the Musée Grévin – how could I possibly forget you?
Two – There are plenty of museums in Paris. Just avoid that one. Who goes to the Musée Grévin nowadays anyway? Tourists, maybe…
One – Paris has become one big open-air wax museum, filled with dusty monuments and waxy-faced extras.
Two – There aren’t even any real Parisians left. They’ve all sold their flats and turned them into Airbnbs.
One – Paris is no longer a party… Now it’s just a backdrop for selfies.
Two – Shall we take one last selfie?
One – Alright…
They turn their backs to the audience to take a selfie.
Voice off – And… cut! That was the final scene of Jean-Paul Ramirez.
Applause.
Two – Thank you.
One – I heard this was your final film too.
Two – You have to know when to stop. Better not to do that one film too many.
One – Not everyone has your wisdom, sadly.
Two – I’ve spent most of my life in front of a camera. I’d like to have a bit of time to experience life too.
One – You might be disappointed. You know what Alfred Hitchcock said…
Two – “Cinema is life with the boring bits cut out.”
One – For the audience, maybe. But for us actors…
Two – True. To make a two-hour film, the editor sometimes watches over a hundred hours of rushes. And cuts everything that doesn’t move the story forward.
One – But we still had to shoot those hundred hours.
Two – Not to mention all the time we spend waiting around between scenes.
One – You know Marilyn Monroe used to knit between takes?
Two – I think that was Brigitte Bardot.
One – Oh yes, maybe…
Two – I believe Marilyn Monroe did crosswords.
One – Marilyn Monroe…?
Two – Or Liz Taylor, I’m not sure anymore.
One – Anyway, all actors get bored stiff between takes.
Two – Yes.
One – And let’s not even talk about the time we spend waiting between films.
Two – I once went two years without working.
One – Two years waiting for the phone to ring.
A pause.
Two – I heard that in wildlife documentaries, they sometimes shoot 500 hours for one hour of footage.
One – Poor animals.
Two – Do you think they’re asked to do multiple takes?
One – Anyway, for you, it’s over now.
Two – Yes… Time for me to reflect on all those scenes that were cut in editing. The ones that make up most of my cinematic career.
One – In other words, you’re going to be bored out of your mind.
Two – Thank you for your kind words.
A pause.
One – The film’s over, isn’t it?
Two – Then what exactly are we waiting for?
One – Nothing…
Two – Habit…
They prepare to leave.
Voice off – I’m really sorry, but we’ve had a slight technical issue.
One – Right…
Two – So…?
Voice off – We’re going to have to do it again.
One – Well then — looks like retirement’s not quite here yet after all.
Voice off – Whenever you’re ready…
Two – I’m ready.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
One – I’m afraid it’s time for us to say goodbye…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Final Cut est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character (man or woman) is there. Another (also gender-neutral) arrives.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
One – Was something wrong?
Voice off – He’s asking if something was wrong…
Two – Oui, qu’est-ce qui ne va pas ?
Voice off – What’s wrong is that one of you is dubbed, and the other’s in original version.
One – In original version?
Voice off – Without subtitles, too! That’s what’s wrong!
One – That’s right. I didn’t even notice…
Two – Moi non plus.
One – Well, I guess we’ll have to do it again, then.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The second character goes to fetch a pile of cards. They replay the same scene with the same lines, but this time the one speaking in French shows cards with English subtitles as they speak. The other continues to speak in English but with a heavy French accent.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
One – What now?
Voice off – He’s subtitled, OK, but you’re still speaking in English!
One – He still speaks English?
Two – Vous êtes sûr?
Voice off – Yes, with an French accent, fine, but it’s still English.
One – OK… Let’s do it again, then.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
Now the one speaking in English also goes to get a pile of cards. They replay the same scene once again with the same lines, but this time the one speaking English (with an French accent) displays French subtitles.
Two – Qu’est-ce qui se passe ?
One – I don’t know… (Pointing at the audience) Look, there’s a crowd gathered. Something must be happening.
Two – Ah oui, vous avez raison… Qu’est-ce qu’ils regardent comme ça ?
One – Who knows… But when lots of people are looking in the same direction, something must be going on.
Two – Et dans quelle direction ils regardent, exactement ?
One – Looks like they’re looking… our way.
Two – Alors c’est qu’il se passe quelque chose.
One – But what?
Voice off – Cut!
Two – Was it alright this time?
Voice off – What?
One – Was it OK this time?
Voice off – Yeah, it’ll do… We’re not spending all night on it…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Original Version est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters (men or women) are there, seemingly waiting. A voice is heard offstage.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two characters freeze. They don’t say anything for a long moment. The voice is heard again.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two remain frozen.
Voice off – Um… Whenever you’re ready…
One – What?
Voice off – Well… The camera’s rolling… You’re not just going to stand there and say nothing, are you?
Two – You said “Quiet on set!”
Voice off – No, I meant everyone else.
One – Everyone else?
Voice off – The crew. The technicians. You’re the actors. You’re supposed to say something.
Two – And what do you want us to say?
Voice off – I don’t know – your lines, maybe?
One – Our lines…?
Voice off – Don’t you have a script?
Two – That’s for you to tell us.
One – We’re just the actors. We don’t get a say.
Voice off– Hey, I’m just the Director Of Photography. They told me to shoot this scene before midday. Nobody said whether there were any lines.
Two (to the other actor) – Did they give you a script?
One – No.
Voice off – Well then… I don’t know. Just improvise.
One – Improvise? Improvise what?
Voice off– Bloody hell, this is a nightmare…
Two – We’re happy to improvise, but we need a starting point. What’s the scene supposed to be about?
Voice off – Oh, I’ve no idea. That’s not my job, is it? I just deal with the image.
One – Alright then… We’ll improvise.
Voice off – Great. Back to one?
Two – Let’s do it.
Voice off – Quiet on set!
The two characters freeze for a moment.
One – What a silence…
Two – Yes.
One – You could hear a pin drop.
Two – Yes.
A pause.
One – Unfortunately, there are no pins.
Two – No.
Another pause.
Voice off – Cut! (Pause) Is that it?
One – I’m doing my best…
Two – Yeah, same here.
One – You didn’t exactly help, either.
Two – Me?
One – You could’ve picked it up a bit.
Two – Improvising’s a skill, you know. You don’t just become an improviser overnight.
One – Still, actors are supposed to be able to improvise a little.
Two – So I’m a bad actor now, is that it?
One – I didn’t say that, but…
Two – And honestly… “You could hear a pin drop… unfortunately, there are no pins…” What am I supposed to do with that?
One – Well, you could’ve started, if you’re so clever!
Two – I was about to! You interrupted me…
One – You weren’t saying anything!
Two – I was waiting for it to come! That’s how improv works. You wait. And silence is important too.
One – Silence?
Two – The unspoken, if you prefer. Dialogue’s important, sure, but it’s the unspoken that really counts.
One – The unspoken…
Two – Yes, the unspoken.
One – So… silence, basically.
Two – As someone once said, “Silence after Mozart is still Mozart…”
One – Well then, I’ve nothing more to say…
Silence.
Two – So? How was it this time?
Voice off – What?
One – Our improv.
Two – What improv?
One – The one we just did!
Voice off – Oh, I didn’t film that…
Two – He didn’t film it.
One – You’ve got to be kidding me…
Two – Tell me that’s a joke.
Voice off – Doesn’t matter, we’ll just do it again.
One – But if we do it again, it’s not improvisation anymore!
Voice off – Are you seriously trying to ruin my whole morning? It’s nearly midday! I’ve got other things to do, you know!
Two – Alright then… Let’s go again…
Voice off – Quiet on set!
Silence.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Quiet on Set! est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.