A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A couple. Four chairs. They are sitting.
Her – You all right?
Him – I’m fine… And you?
Her – I’m fine… (Pause) Do you want a drink?
Him – What?
Her – An aperitif? Some peanuts?
Him – No, I’m fine, thanks.
A pause.
Her – It’s nice here, isn’t it?
Him – Here?
Her – In this house.
Him – Yes… (Pause) But it’s not ours.
Her – Oh, isn’t it?
Him – No.
Her – That’s true.
Him – Is it a house, or a flat?
Her – A flat, I think. I’m not sure.
A pause.
Him – Do you remember where our home is?
Her – Our home?
Him – Our real home. Where we belong!
Her – No… Do you?
Him – Neither do I. I can’t even remember what it looked like.
Her – We’ve moved so many times.
Him – That’s true. We do move a lot.
Her – Yes. More and more.
Him – We really should try to remember.
Her – Remember what?
Him – Where we live.
Her – All homes look a bit alike.
Him – Even when it’s a flat.
Her – There are bedrooms. A dining room. A kitchen.
Him – In the kitchen, there’s a fridge, a cooker, a table, drawers…
Her – In the drawers, there are forks, knives, teaspoons.
Him – In the bedrooms, there are children. Sometimes…
Her – When there aren’t, it’s because they’ve already left. To another home.
A pause.
Him – Do you think they’ll come back one day?
Her – The children?
Him – The owners!
Her – Who knows… How long have we been here?
Him – I don’t know… Quite a while, hasn’t it?
Her – Yes.
Him – I’m always afraid someone will ring the doorbell, and it’ll be them.
Her – The children?
Him – The people who live here! The real owners…
Her – Oh, right…
Him – Aren’t you?
Her – Yes. Actually, I wonder if the doorbell works.
Him – What?
Her – The doorbell! We’ve never heard it.
Him – Anyway, when the people who live here come back, they won’t ring.
Her – Why not?
Him – It’s their home! They’ll have the key.
Her – Of course.
Him – When people come home, they don’t ring the bell. They have no reason to think anyone’s inside when they’re not here.
Her – True… Do we have the key?
Him – I don’t know. Do you have the key?
Her – No.
Him – Neither do I.
Her – So how did we get in here?
Him – I can’t remember.
Her – Maybe someone let us in.
Him – Who would have let us in?
Her – The owners?
Him – But we’re alone in this flat.
Her – How long have we been here?
Him – I don’t know…
A pause.
Her – That must be why we never go out. We wouldn’t be able to get back in.
Him – No. Since we don’t have the key.
The doorbell rings. They exchange a worried look.
Her – Do you think it’s them?
Him – We said if it were them, they wouldn’t ring.
Her – So who could it be?
Him – Who knows…
Her – What do we do?
Him – We should answer it, right?
Her – Do you think so?
Him – They’ve seen the light. They know we’re here.
Her – This is it… We’re done for…
Him – We’re going to have to move again.
Her – But where will we go?
Him – I’ll pack our suitcase.
Her – Do we have a suitcase?
Him – Everyone has a suitcase at home, don’t they?
Her – I’ll go and open the door…
Him – What are you going to say to them?
Her – I don’t know…
Him – You’ll have to say something, to explain why we’re here. In their home.
Her – They’re probably just back from holiday.
Him – I’ll go see if we have a suitcase.
She exits. He exits, too. She returns with another couple. Michael has a bottle in hand, and Christine a bouquet of flowers. He returns with a suitcase.
Her – This is Michael and Christine.
Him – Oh, hello…
Michael – Hi. How are you?
Him – I’m fine, and you?
Christine – Great. Are you going on holiday?
Him – No, why?
Michael – You’re holding a suitcase…
Him – Oh, yes, no, I… I was just about to put it away. You know how it is with suitcases, you never know where to put them.
Her – And an empty suitcase takes up as much space as a full one.
Christine – Yes. But it’s lighter.
Michael – True. We should go on holiday with empty suitcases. We’d travel lighter.
They all laugh, a little awkwardly.
Christine – So, how are you?
Him – I’m fine.
Michael – Here, I brought some champagne to celebrate.
Him – Celebrate what?
Michael bursts out laughing.
Michael – Celebrate what? Always a joker, aren’t you?
Christine – He’s funny! Here, I brought some flowers.
Her – Oh yes, lovely.
Him – I’ll go get some flutes.
Her – You want us to play the flute for them?
Michael – Flutes! For the champagne!
Her – Oh, right!
They laugh again.
Christine – She’s funny!
Her – And I’ll find a vase. For the flowers.
Christine – Would you like some help?
Him – No, no, please!
Her – Make yourselves at home.
Him – You know the place.
They both exit.
Michael (smiling) – They’re so funny…
Christine – Yes…
Michael – They haven’t changed. Still as…
Christine – You think so?
Michael – What?
Christine – That they haven’t changed.
Michael – Now that you mention it, I suppose…
Christine – No, but they don’t look anything like…
Michael – Well, a bit, maybe…
Christine – Hmm…
Michael – And you know, people… They change…
Christine – Not this much… Not in a week…
Michael – It was a week ago?
Christine – It was last week. The last time we saw them.
Michael – It’s true, they’ve changed quite a lot.
A pause.
Christine – Or maybe… it’s not them.
Michael – Not them? Then what would they be doing here? If it’s not their home…
A pause.
Christine – You think we could have got the wrong door?
Michael – I doubt it… Besides, they seem to know us, don’t they? If they know us, it means we know them too.
Christine – Yes, of course…
The man returns.
Him – I’m terribly sorry, I couldn’t find any champagne flutes.
Christine – Oh, men…
Michael – Just ask your wife.
The woman returns as well.
Him – Do you know where the flutes are, darling?
Her – No… There might not be any…
Christine – What do you mean? No champagne flutes? Everyone has champagne flutes, don’t they?
Michael – It doesn’t matter. We’ll drink it from regular glasses.
Christine – You’ve got wine glasses, surely?
They don’t look sure.
Him – I didn’t see anything…
Her – I couldn’t find a vase either.
Christine – Surely you have some glasses. In a kitchen…
Her – I couldn’t find the kitchen.
An awkward moment.
Michael – Well… You know what? We’ll drink the champagne from the bottle. Like the Russians!
Christine – Do Russians drink champagne from the bottle?
Michael – The Cossacks, surely. Without even dismounting.
Her – But please, sit down.
They all sit. Awkward smiles. Silence.
Him – And the kids, they’re doing well? (Michael and Christine, who clearly don’t have children, exchange a confused look) No, I meant, kids in general. Not necessarily yours. If you don’t have any…
Her – Or anymore… I mean… You could have had them, and they might have passed away.
Awkward silence.
Her – I’ll see if I can find some peanuts…
She exits.
Him – Anyway, it’s nice of you to drop by.
Christine – We’re friends, aren’t we?
Him – Of course.
Michael and Christine exchange an awkward look. Christine signals Michael to go ahead.
Michael – My question might sound silly, but… do you actually live here?
Him – Why do you ask?
Christine – Well… Our friends who live here don’t look anything like you.
Michael – The last time we came, they looked nothing like you…
She returns.
Her – I found the peanuts!
Christine – So, you found the kitchen…?
Her – I even found some glasses.
Michael – Then we can have a drink!
Christine – Go on…
Michael opens the bottle and pours the drinks. They toast.
Michael – To your health!
Him – To friendship!
They drink.
Her – Have some peanuts.
They eat peanuts.
Christine – I’ve never dared to ask, but…
Him – Yes…?
Christine – Where did you two meet? (Awkward silence) Sorry, I don’t know what came over me…
Her – No, no, it’s just that…
Him – We don’t really remember.
Christine – You don’t remember?
Michael – You don’t remember where you met?
A pause.
Her – I think it was here, wasn’t it?
Christine – Here?
Her – One day, we realised we were living in the same flat.
Him – Yes, funny that… I think that’s how it happened.
Her – It was a while ago, of course.
Him – Yes… A week, maybe.
Her – Yes, that’s right, about a week ago.
Christine – Ah, well…
Him – And you?
Michael – Us?
Her – Have you known each other long?
Christine – No, not very…
Michael – I’d say… Yes, not very long.
Christine – We met in the lobby, downstairs.
Michael – I had a bottle of champagne.
Christine – And I had a bouquet of flowers.
Michael – We figured we must be going to the same place.
Christine – Since I didn’t have the door code…
Michael – Neither did I. I rang a few doorbells at random. You were the first to open.
Christine – Since he seemed to know where he was going, I followed him.
Him – Ah, yes…
Her – Yes, it’s… quite a story.
Him – Very romantic.
Her – You’ll see, it’ll end in a wedding.
Michael and Christine exchange an uncomfortable look.
Michael – So, if I understand correctly, no one here really knows each other.
Her – Apparently not…
Christine – And no one has any business being in this house.
Him – Apparently not…
Michael – So whose house is it?
Silence.
Christine – Would you like more champagne?
Her – Thank you, but it’s getting late. We should probably go.
Him – Anyway, thanks for the hospitality.
Michael – No trouble at all.
He picks up the suitcase and heads towards the door with Her.
Christine – Shall I see you out?
Her – Don’t bother; we know the way.
Michael – Want help with the suitcase?
Him – No… It weighs nothing… It’s empty.
Christine – Well… See you again sometime!
Michael – And thanks for stopping by!
They exit. Michael and Christine sit back down. Silence.
Christine – You all right?
Michael – I’m fine… And you?
Christine – I’m fine… (Pause) Want another drink?
Michael – No, thanks, I’m fine.
Christine – Some peanuts?
He grabs a handful of peanuts and begins chewing.
Christine – It’s nice here, isn’t it?
Michael – Yes… (Pause) But it’s not our place.
Christine – That’s true.
Michael – Is it a house, or a flat?
Christine – A flat, I think.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Dramedies
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