List of sketches
1 – The Day of the Dead
2 – The Trap
3 – A Mousetrap
4 – The Cat and the Mouse
5 – Gold bars
6 – Disappearance
7 – Escape
8 – All Right
9 – Authentication
10 – Idiots
11 – The Map
12 – The Primroses

All the texts available on this site can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production. To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: Contact form.

Download the entire collection free of charge (PDF)

L’article For Real and for Fun est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

L’article Terminus est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ethan and Eve.
Ethan – We’re still here.
Eve – Where else could we be?
Ethan – We could no longer be here.
Eve – Where would we be?
Ethan – We wouldn’t be.
Eve – Or maybe we’d be someone else.
Ethan – I’d be you, and you’d be me?
Eve – But we’d still be here.
Ethan – We’re here.
Eve – We’re in paradise.
Ethan – We’re in hell.
Eve – We’re on Earth.
Ethan – For eternity.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Permanence est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ethan and Eve.
Ethan – What’s happening to us?
Eve – Nothing. Nothing has happened to us.
Ethan – Then what’s going on?
Eve – Nothing. Time has passed.
Ethan – Are we old?
Eve – That’s it.
Ethan – How did it happen?
Eve – Gradually.
Ethan – And now we’re just noticing.
Eve – It’s the first time it’s happened to us.
Ethan – What?
Eve – Being old.
Ethan – Next time, we’ll pay more attention.
Eve – Yes.
Ethan – Do you think it’ll pass?
Eve – I don’t know.
Ethan – We just need to wait.
Eve – It’ll pass.
Ethan – Look at me—I’ve got no hair left on my head.
Eve – Last year, the trees had no leaves. And look now!
Ethan – They’re growing back.
Eve – Our hair will grow back too.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Old est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ethan and Eve, in their garden.
Ethan – The air’s a bit better today, isn’t it?
Eve – Yes. Almost makes me want to go out without my gas mask.
Ethan – Not sure that’s a great idea, though.
Eve – What do they say on the radio?
Ethan – Slight cooling: 48 to 52 in the north, moderate easterly winds with fine particles, acid rain likely later in the day.
Eve – I’ll take an umbrella.
Ethan – Just don’t stay out too long, though.
Eve – Do you remember when we could spend whole days lying on the grass in a park? Without climate-controlled suits?
Ethan – I still can’t figure out how we got here.
Eve – I think it really sped up after that lunatic got elected in the US.
Ethan – But it started long before that.
Eve – The real question is: where does it end?
Ethan – We should do something, but what?
Eve – We could stop breathing…
Ethan – That would solve all our problems, wouldn’t it?
Eve – I’ll take my gas mask, just in case.
Ethan – Good idea. Well, have a good day.
Eve – You too.
Eve leaves.
Ethan – Maybe we shouldn’t joke about this…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Atmosphere est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ethan is reading a newspaper. Eve is dozing.
Ethan – Did you see? China gave up its one-child policy.
Eve – Here we go again… As if there weren’t already enough of us.
Ethan – And all that pollutes, pollutes.
Eve – Especially with their coal-fired power plants.
Ethan – Nuclear’s dangerous, but at least it’s clean.
A pause.
Eve – Imagine if, instead of the one-child policy, China adopted a zero-child policy. There’d be no more Chinese in a generation.
Ethan – You’d still have to wait for all the old Chinese to die.
Eve – Alright, let’s say a hundred years, then.
Ethan – Even so, there are a lot of centenarians in China.
Eve – Even centenarians die eventually.
Ethan – Isn’t it Japan that has all the centenarians?
Eve – Yes, maybe.
Ethan – One thing’s for sure: fewer Chinese means less pollution.
Eve – But there’d still be over a billion Indians.
Ethan – We’d need to do the same in India.
Eve – And in Africa.
Ethan – And the United States.
Eve – Actually, we’d have to do it everywhere.
Ethan – If there were no humans at all, pollution would be permanently solved. At least the planet would breathe easier.
Eve – No kids, like us—that’s the only solution.
Ethan – That’s what the Cathars used to say.
Eve – Wait, the Cathars were environmentalists?
Ethan – Well, they were against reproduction.
Eve – They were absolutely right.
Ethan – In a way, we’re like Cathars.
Eve – Yes… At least our kids won’t add to the carbon footprint.
Ethan – When they invent energy-efficient kids…
Eve – Low-consumption kids.
Ethan – And fully recyclable ones.
Eve – Yeah, I’m not holding my breath for that.
Ethan – Want some more wine? It’s organic.
Eve – If it’s organic, then sure…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Zero est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ethan and Eve.
Ethan – Feels good to be on holiday…
Eve – Finally!
Ethan – Not thinking about anything.
Eve – Not doing anything.
Ethan – Not seeing anyone.
Eve – Absolute bliss.
A pause.
Ethan – This place really is the middle of nowhere.
Eve – Isn’t that what we wanted? Peace and quiet.
Ethan – We’ve definitely got the quiet part.
Eve – No computer…
Ethan – No phone.
Eve – Not that there’s any signal out here anyway.
A pause.
Eve – Do you think we’ll last three weeks?
Ethan – The first three days might be tough. Like quitting smoking. After that, we’ll be fine.
Eve – You have to admit, it’s beautiful here.
Ethan – Yeah. It’s really paradise.
Eve – The perfect place to rest and forget everything.
Ethan – Makes you wonder how we survive in the city all year long.
Eve – True, a bit of greenery…
Ethan – At least we can breathe.
Eve – And this silence…
Silence.
Ethan – Almost hurts your ears.
Eve – Yeah… when you’re not used to it.
Ethan – And what a change of scenery.
Eve – Absolutely.
A pause.
Ethan – Haven’t we been here before?
Eve – Here? We’d remember…
Ethan – Then again, the countryside… It all looks the same, doesn’t it?
Eve – Yeah.
A pause.
Ethan – It’s really isolated, though.
Eve – Well, no noisy neighbours to worry about.
Ethan – It’s almost unsettling… What if something happened?
Eve – What could possibly happen? We’re on holiday.
Ethan – I don’t know… A domestic accident…
Eve – Well, just be careful washing the lettuce, then.
Ethan – A brain haemorrhage… A heart attack… By the time the paramedics got here…
Eve – You’re right—we should’ve packed a defibrillator.
Ethan – You think?
Eve – We live such hectic lives all year. It’d be ironic to have a heart attack now. It doesn’t get more peaceful than this!
Ethan – That’s the problem—our hearts aren’t used to it. All this oxygen at once… Feels like I’ve smoked a joint.
Eve – Still, it’s nice to have room to breathe. Not being crammed into an office like battery chickens.
Ethan – Or packed like sardines on the metro.
Eve – Not even a cow around here.
Ethan looks down at the ground.
Ethan – Our only immediate neighbours are the ants.
Eve (also glancing at the ground) – And they seem to be hard at work.
Ethan – Yeah, they’re really going for it.
Eve – Look at that one, carrying the corpse of a dragonfly three times its size.
Ethan – Maybe a dragonfly on holiday, bored to death by all the peace and quiet.
Eve – Or one that had a stroke before help could arrive.
Ethan – Either way, they never stop.
Eve – Makes you wonder if they’re overdoing it a bit.
Ethan – Ants don’t do holidays.
Eve – True. Paid leave is a human thing.
Ethan – Then again, some animals are real slackers.
Eve – Oh yeah?
Ethan – Mammals, in general, are kind of lazy.
Eve – Sloths are mammals, right?
Ethan – Well, humans are mammals too.
Eve – Oh, really?
Ethan – You don’t lay eggs, do you?
Eve – It’s mostly insects that are always working.
Ethan – Social insects, as they say… Ants, bees, termites…
Eve – Yeah… Working nonstop, 365 days a year. They couldn’t care less that we’re on holiday.
Ethan – Actually, they couldn’t care less if we exist at all.
Eve – They live alongside us, completely ignoring us.
Ethan – I’d say they downright despise us. We don’t bother them at all.
Eve – Humans have managed to wipe out almost all wild mammals. The rest, we’ve turned into domestic slaves or red meat. But insects? They’re still here, going about their business. As if we weren’t even there.
Ethan – Not to mention the birds.
Eve – What about the birds?
Ethan – Hear them singing? Feels like they’re mocking us.
Eve – If only we could understand what they’re saying…
Ethan – I think I’ve got an idea.
Eve – What?
Ethan – They’re probably saying: “We’re dinosaurs, and we’re still here.”
Eve – “You’re the ones going extinct… and we couldn’t care less…”
Ethan – Do you think the dinosaurs will go back to their original size once humans are gone?
Eve – Maybe. They’re lying low because we’re here.
Ethan – Waiting for their chance to become monsters again.
Eve – Good thing we won’t be around to see it…
A pause.
Ethan – You know, I’m pretty sure we’ve been here on holiday before.
Eve – When?
Ethan – Wasn’t it last year?
Eve – Oh, yeah, maybe… But it was busier, wasn’t it?
Ethan – And there were fewer ants…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Lazy Days est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

In one corner, a champagne bucket with a bottle and two flutes. Eve waits, showing signs of impatience. The doorbell rings.
Ethan (off) – Eve? It’s me… Are you there? (Ethan enters from outside, carrying a briefcase. He moves to give his wife a kiss, but she pulls away.) Sorry… An urgent client meeting…
Eve – A man or a woman?
He decides not to respond.
Ethan – Is something wrong?
Eve – Oh no, everything’s fine… Just our wedding anniversary, and my husband forgot. Other than that, I’m great.
Ethan turns and notices the champagne bottle.
Ethan – Oh, crap…
Eve – Thanks… At least you’re not pretending.
Ethan – I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant…
Eve – Last year, you came home at ten. But at least you had a bouquet of flowers.
Ethan – I passed by the florist; it was already closed.
Eve – You forgot our wedding anniversary…
Ethan – I didn’t forget! I thought about it all day… It just slipped my mind for a second, that’s all.
Eve – Of course…
He sets down his briefcase and removes his jacket.
Ethan – I had a hellish day, seriously… A client rescheduled a meeting at the last minute. That American I told you about, remember?
Eve – On a day like this, you could’ve asked someone else to cover for you.
Ethan – I was the only one in the office! And it’s an important account…
Eve – You could have called me…
Ethan – I lost my phone. Honestly, I don’t know what happened to it…
Eve – You always have an answer for everything, don’t you?
Ethan – I’m telling you the truth, nothing else.
Eve – Listen, Ethan, we’ve been married ten years, and we’re living in a show apartment…
Ethan – It’s temporary…
Eve – That’s the problem… We’ve been stuck in “temporary” for ten years.
Ethan – This apartment is fine. And we’re not bothered by neighbours…
Eve – That’s because there aren’t any. We’re the only ones living on the top floor of an unfinished tower block.
Ethan – At least the lift works…
Eve – Every morning before leaving for work, we have to hide all our personal belongings. We can’t leave anything lying around, so we don’t disturb the visitors coming through all day.
Ethan – We’re both out during the day anyway…
Eve – Even my mum’s photo has to go in a drawer! Heaven forbid it scares off potential buyers…
Ethan – But we don’t pay rent…
Eve – Even that’s too expensive for me, Ethan.
Ethan – We’ve got a terrace! (Gestures towards the audience.) Just look at that view! (Seeing she’s unimpressed.) Anyway, something smells amazing… What have you cooked for us?
Eve – You’re too late, Ethan. The champagne’s warm, and the turkey’s cold.
Ethan – Come on, I’m here now! (He grabs his briefcase.) Let me just put this away, and we’ll have a lovely evening, alright?
He exits. She picks up the bottle from the bucket, then drops it back in. She looks toward the audience, her attention caught by something. She takes out a pair of opera glasses to get a better look. Ethan’s phone starts ringing in his jacket pocket. She sets the glasses down, hesitates, then retrieves the phone and answers it.
Eve – Hello…? Yes… No, it’s his wife. Alright. Oh, really? No, no… Very well, I’ll let him know… (She ends the call but, intrigued, checks the phone’s messages.) Unbelievable… That bastard…
Ethan returns.
Ethan – Ten years already… Can you believe it? Feels like yesterday…
Eve – I thought you said you lost your phone…
Ethan – I did… or at least I thought I did…
Eve – Do you think I’m stupid?
Ethan – Why are you saying that?
Eve – Your phone just rang. It was in your jacket pocket.
Ethan – What? No way…
Eve – I answered. It was your secretary…
Ethan – Oh, right… What did she want?
Eve – She’s been trying to reach you all day. Funny thing—she said she was at the office all afternoon and didn’t see you there.
Ethan – I never said I met my American client at the office. He asked me to meet him at…
Eve – Don’t bother. Your secretary called to say your meeting with the American was cancelled. He had a stroke last night…
Ethan – You didn’t let me finish… He asked me to meet him this afternoon at the hospital.
Eve – Strange, because she said he died this morning.
Ethan – Listen, let me explain…
Eve – You’re having an affair. And you waited until our wedding anniversary to tell me.
Ethan – Not at all, I…
Eve – And I was about to tell you I’m pregnant!
Ethan – What? You’re pregnant? That’s amazing!
Eve – I’m leaving you, Ethan.
Ethan – It’s not what you think, I swear…
Eve – Oh, really? And what about those texts I saw on your phone?
Ethan – Texts…
Eve – Yes, the ones you didn’t delete in time… “I want you. Meet me where you know.” Pretty clear, isn’t it?
He looks rattled but collects himself.
Ethan – It’s a code.
Eve – Excuse me?
Ethan – It’s true. I’ve been lying to you for years, Eve. I admit it.
Eve – Finally…
Ethan – I lead a double life, yes. But I’ve never cheated on you… with a woman.
Eve – Don’t tell me, after all these years, you’re gay.
Ethan – No, don’t worry. It’s not what you think. The truth is…
Eve – Yes?
Ethan – This isn’t easy to say…
Eve – Let me help you. I’m a bastard?
Ethan – I’m a secret agent.
Eve – A secret agent?
Ethan – Well, secret… until today.
Eve – You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?
Ethan – Not at all.
Eve – A secret agent? A spy? That’s the best you’ve got?
Ethan – I wasn’t allowed to tell you, obviously. Or anyone. But now… since our marriage is at stake, I had to tell you.
Eve – Alright… And who do you work for? The CIA? Your American was your boss, and the KGB eliminated him, disguising his assassination as a stroke, am I right?
Ethan – I work… for the Mossad.
Eve – The Mossad?
Ethan – Yes… The Israeli secret service, if you prefer…
Eve – You’re not even Jewish!
Ethan – In a way, yes…
Eve – If you were Jewish, don’t you think I’d know by now? I’m your wife!
Ethan – Appearances can be deceiving, Eve… It’s a bit more complicated than that. It’s… my maternal grandmother, you see…
Eve – That’s pathetic. You need help, Ethan. Serious help. You’re delusional.
Ethan – I swear, Eve. Please believe me.
Eve – You’re a compulsive liar, Ethan. Years of lies about everything and nothing. And now you’re telling me you’re an Israeli spy when you’re not even circumcised? And now you expect me to believe this?
Ethan – This time, I’m not lying, I promise.
Eve – This time? You’ve disappointed me, Ethan. Deeply. I never thought you took me for such a fool.
Ethan – You remember our honeymoon in Eilat, on the Red Sea, when I spent an hour in the customs office at the airport?
Eve – Because you didn’t recognise your own suitcase, which had been going round the carousel for an hour, and they called in the bomb squad to blow it up?
Ethan – That’s when they approached me to join them.
Eve – Them? Who’s them?
Ethan – The Mossad!
Eve (holding up the phone) – “I want you. Meet me where you know.” Let me guess—that was your imaginary Mossad contact?
Ethan – It’s a code, I swear. For a meeting.
Eve – A meeting. Yes, I got that part.
Ethan – It’s to avoid suspicion. In case the messages are intercepted. “I want you” means I need to see you. “Where you know” means…
Eve – Where you know.
Ethan – Exactly.
Eve – That won’t cut it this time, Ethan.
Ethan – What more do you want?
Eve – Proof, for starters.
Ethan – I don’t have any, alright?
Eve – Of course.
Ethan – This isn’t a regular job! Everything’s done without leaving a trace. You understand?
Eve – But you don’t work for free, do you? Spies must make a decent living. And yet you’ve got me living in a show apartment?
Ethan – The money’s in a numbered account. I’ll only have access to it once I retire.
Eve seems utterly lost.
Eve – And you expect me to buy that?
Ethan – Yes, Eve… For us… For our child. I beg you to believe me… Because it’s the truth!
She hesitates.
Eve – I don’t know what to say, Ethan. I’m tired. I’m going to bed…
Ethan – You’re right. I understand you need time to process this. But for now, don’t tell anyone—not even your mother. This has to stay between us, otherwise…
She flips him off and exits. He notices the opera glasses she left on the table. Surprised, he picks them up and starts inspecting something towards the audience. At first out of curiosity, then with growing intensity.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Alibi est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Improv est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ethan and Eve take turns standing before an urn, each inserting a ballot.
Eve – So, who did you vote for?
Ethan – May I remind you, it’s a secret ballot…
Eve – Isn’t that a bit ridiculous?
Ethan – Ridiculous? Why?
Eve – There’s only two of us!
Ethan – So?
Eve – Since we both know who we voted for, I’ll obviously know which one you picked when we count the votes.
Ethan – Well, yes…
Eve – Honestly, what’s the point of electing a representative?
Ethan – To represent both of us!
Eve – To whom?
Ethan – To each other!
Eve – So, who did you vote for?
Ethan – Myself. And you?
Eve – Me too.
Ethan – You mean you voted for me as well?
Eve – No, I voted for myself.
Ethan – Right… So, with proportional representation, we’ll each represent ourselves.
Eve – Fine… So no need to count the votes?
Ethan – Of course we should!
Eve – Why bother?
Ethan – I don’t have to take your word for it.
Eve – Fine, let’s do it.
Ethan – Wait a moment!
Eve – Now what?
Ethan – It’s not quite eight o’clock yet…
A pause.
Eve – So, what’s your platform?
Ethan – I was thinking… we could open a bed and breakfast.
Eve – A bed and breakfast? Why?
Ethan – I don’t know. To develop tourism…
Eve – But there’s just the two of us.
Ethan – True…
Eve – We could add a guest room.
Ethan – But as you said: there’s only two of us.
Eve – You could sleep there sometimes…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Secret est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ethan and Eve are still there.
Ethan – It’s crazy. Everything grows in this garden.
Eve – We don’t even need to plant seeds.
Ethan – Or water it.
Eve – The harvest is miraculous—we just stretch out our arms to pick the fruit.
Ethan – And bend down to gather the vegetables.
Eve – And everything’s completely organic.
Ethan – Yeah… What does that even mean?
Eve – What?
Ethan – Organic.
Eve – No idea.
Ethan – What would fruit and vegetables that aren’t organic even look like?
Eve – I don’t know.
Ethan – Anyway, it’s organic.
A pause.
Eve – Sometimes, I get a bit tired of eating vegetables. Don’t you?
Ethan – Yeah. But what else could we eat?
Eve – What else is there to eat here, besides fresh produce?
Ethan – We’re not going to eat dirt…
Eve – We’re not going to eat air.
Ethan – We’re not going to drink seawater.
Eve – And eating each other’s out of the question.
Ethan – Obviously not…
A pause.
Eve – We could… eat the animals.
Ethan – The animals?
Eve – No, I’m kidding.
Silence.
Ethan – Then again, it might taste good.
Eve – You think?
Ethan – Doesn’t sound very appetising, though.
Eve – But it would make a nice change.
Ethan – How do we know it’s not good…
Eve – We’ve never tried.
Ethan – And… would we eat them alive?
Eve – What do you mean, alive?
Ethan – You know, like we do with fruit.
Eve – You mean raw.
Ethan – That’s it. Natural, you know. Like a salad.
Eve – Do you think they’d let us eat them raw?
Ethan – Yeah, maybe we’d have to kill them first.
Eve – Kill them?
An awkward silence.
Ethan – Have you ever killed anyone?
Eve – You mean, an animal?
Ethan – Yeah. Not a human. Since it’s just the two of us, if you’d killed someone, I wouldn’t be here to ask.
Eve – No… Well, not intentionally…
Ethan – If it’s accidental, it’s not so bad, right?
Eve – Yeah, it’s… involuntary manslaughter.
Ethan – If we accidentally killed an animal, we could eat it. You know, just to see what it tastes like.
Eve – Yeah… If it was accidental…
A pause.
Ethan – This conversation is starting to scare me…
Eve – Me too…
Ethan – And anyway, animals are like us. There’s only one pair of each species.
Eve – If we eat one each, that species is extinct.
Ethan – I think I’ll just have some more salad.
They each munch on a leaf of salad, without much appetite.
Eve – Want an apple for dessert?
Ethan – Go on, then…
They eat an apple.
Eve – I’m getting a bit tired of apples.
Ethan – Yeah… Me too…
Eve – Oh, there was a maggot in this apple.
Ethan – No way?
Eve – Well, I’ve eaten half of it. Without meaning to…
Ethan – And?
Eve – Not bad, to be honest…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Meat est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

The garden might have shrunk. Eve is seated. Ethan is pacing around.
Ethan – This garden is not very big, is it?
Eve – It’s big enough for the two of us.
Ethan – Wasn’t it a bit bigger before?
Eve – Before?
Ethan – Or maybe we’ve grown.
Eve – I don’t know.
Ethan – Sometimes, I wish there was a bit more space.
Eve – What for?
Ethan – To stretch my legs, for a start.
Eve – Fair enough…
Ethan – And, I don’t know… To have something left to explore. To still have things to discover…
Eve – ou could always look closer… discover the details.
Ethan – The details?
Eve – The little things.
Ethan – Hmm.
Eve – Things you don’t immediately see with the naked eye.
Ethan – What can’t you see with the naked eye?
Eve – Well, a four-leaf clover, for instance.
Ethan – Do four-leaf clovers even exist?
Eve – I don’t know. Probably.
Ethan – Sometimes I wonder if life’s worth living.
Eve – You could look for a four-leaf clover.
Ethan – But what for, for God’s sake?
Eve – To give it to me, for example.
Ethan – Hmm.
Eve – It’d bring us luck.
Ethan – You think?
Eve – At the very least, it’d keep you busy.
Ethan – I don’t know.
Silence.
Eve – Then again, maybe you’re right…
Ethan – About what?
Eve – Well… We’re bored, aren’t we?
Ethan – Yeah, that’s exactly what I was saying.
Eve – It’s true, we know this garden by heart…
Ethan – That’s probably why it feels smaller and smaller.
Eve – If only we could go on holiday sometimes.
Ethan – On holiday? Where to?
Eve – Somewhere else…
Ethan – But elsewhere is…
Eve – Yes… We’re surrounded by water, and we can’t swim.
A pause.
Ethan – Weren’t there more of us before?
Eve – Before what?
Ethan – I don’t know.
Eve – More of us? You mean three?
Ethan – Three, four… More, I guess.
Eve – More of you and more of me? I don’t know.
Ethan – Feels like there were more people.
Eve – Where?
Ethan – Around us!
Eve – Maybe.
Ethan – So where have they gone?
Eve – More people? Are you sure?
Ethan – I was just wondering if…
Eve – If what?
Ethan – Are we the first… or the last?
Eve – For now, at least, it’s just the two of us…
A pause.
Ethan –Sometimes I feel like I was all alone at the start.
Eve – At the start…
Ethan – I think you only came along later.
Eve – Oh, really?
Ethan – Yeah.
Eve – So you were the first.
Ethan – Yeah.
Eve – Then maybe you’ll be the first to leave too.
Ethan – Leave? Where to?
Eve – I don’t know. Where was I before I got here?
Ethan – That…
Eve – Maybe on the other side of the sea.
Ethan – Or at the bottom of it.
Eve – I don’t even know how deep it is.
Ethan – What’s certain is we can’t walk on water.
Eve – When we tried, we almost drowned.
A pause.
Ethan – It’s strange, though.
Eve – What?
Ethan – I’ve never known anyone but you.
Eve – Known, as in…
Ethan – You know what I mean!
Eve – Would you like to know someone other than me?
Ethan – Not especially, but… just to know it’s possible. Wouldn’t you like to know someone else?
Eve – I’ve never really thought about it. Maybe.
Ethan – To know we have a choice.
Eve – Not to settle for the first choice… but to prefer the second one?
Ethan – We didn’t exactly choose, did we? Since it’s just the two of us.
Eve – Of course.
Ethan – How can we know if we’re really meant for each other?
Eve – With just the two of us, we must be meant for each other.
Ethan – True, obviously…
A pause.
Eve – Imagine more of us in this tiny garden…
Ethan – Yeah, it’d be a squeeze with three of us.
Eve – We’re already so cramped.
Ethan – Three… I think I’d really lose it.
Eve – Go on, find me a four-leaf clover instead…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Face to face est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ethan paces back and forth in front of Eve, who is seated. Finally, he decides to speak.
Ethan – Do you know something?
Eve – No.
He resumes pacing, then stops in front of her again.
Ethan – If you did know something, you’d tell me.
Eve – Of course… And you? Do you know something?
Ethan – Nothing. I know nothing.
A pause.
Eve – Not knowing anything… it’s unbearable.
Ethan – But if we did know, wouldn’t that be worse?
Eve – Who knows?
Ethan – You’re right. Maybe it’s better not to know too much.
Eve – Yes… But knowing absolutely nothing?
Ethan – It’s true… We know nothing.
Eve – Absolutely nothing.
Ethan – We don’t even know how to swim.
Eve – No…
Ethan – And we don’t know how to walk on water.
Eve – We don’t know how to tie our shoes.
Ethan – We don’t have any shoes.
Eve – We don’t know what time it is.
Ethan – We don’t know what day it is.
Eve – We can’t read.
Ethan – What good would it do? We don’t have any books.
Eve – If we wanted books, we’d have to write them ourselves.
Ethan – And we don’t know how to write.
Eve – And all that just to have one single reader.
A pause.
Ethan – What do we know?
Eve – We must know something, surely…
Ethan – Let me think… Ah, yes. We know how to count.
Eve – Oh, that’s true. We can count.
Ethan – Shall we count again? Just to make sure we haven’t forgotten?
Eve – OK. Go ahead, start.
Ethan – One.
Eve – Plus one.
Ethan – That makes two.
Eve – That’s right.
A pause.
Ethan – And after two, what comes next?
Eve – I don’t know.
Ethan – Two… That’s enough for now, isn’t it?
Eve – Yes. For now.
She stands slowly, her movement revealing her pregnancy.
Ethan – As long as it’s just the two of us…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Three est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A place resembling a garden, perhaps Eden or a town square. Eve is there. Ethan enters. They might be dressed in Adam and Eve-style attire—or not. He circles her a little, hesitating before extending his hand.
Ethan – Hi, I’m Ethan.
She shakes his hand.
Eve – Eve.
A pause.
Ethan – Do you shag?
Eve – I’m not certain…
Ethan – You don’t know how?
Eve – That too, yes.
Ethan – Neither do I, actually. You’re the first woman I’ve ever met.
Eve – Same here… You’re the first…
Ethan – Well, not just the first woman—I mean the first person.
Eve – The first person?
Ethan – I didn’t even know it would be a woman.
Eve – Right…
Ethan – So?
Eve – I’m not sure about this…
Ethan – You’re not sure?
Eve – Do you realise what we’re about to set in motion?
Ethan – No…
Eve – It could be the beginning of something completely beyond our control.
Ethan – The beginning of…
Eve – A chain reaction.
Ethan – Like… something atomic?
Eve – It might turn into quite a story.
Ethan – What kind of story?
Eve – The story of humanity! Our child would be the start of an endless lineage.
Ethan – I was just talking about a quick shag.
Eve – Billions and billions of humans who’ll have to work to earn their bread by the sweat of their brows. Because, let’s be honest, there’s barely enough here for two.
Ethan – Exactly… It’s mostly just salad and apples.
Eve – So obviously, they’ll have to start working, all those bastards. Working the land.
Ethan – That’s true.
Eve – And then, they’ll fight each other to own that land.
Ethan – Very possible.
Eve – Generations of brats happily massacring each other over the centuries.
Ethan – Yeah…
Eve – And, of course, they’ll start shagging too. Multiplying. Proliferating more and more.
Ethan – No doubt.
Eve – And eventually destroying this little slice of paradise with their waste, their farts, their burps, and their greenhouse gases.
Ethan – When you put it like that, it’s not exactly a turn-on.
Eve – No, not at all.
Ethan – And you’re sure that…
Eve – Oh yes.
Ethan – Right…
Eve – We’d end up creating generations and generations of kids with Oedipal issues! Kids dreaming every night of killing their parents. Some might even follow through.
Ethan – Oh, right… So, what do we do?
Eve – I think I’ll take a bit more time to think about it.
Ethan – Alright, well… Let me know… (He’s about to leave.) Unless… I could be careful.
Eve – Careful… They all say that…
Ethan – All?
Eve – You don’t actually believe you’re the first, do you?
Ethan – Well, no, not exactly, but… At the same time, there’s only the two of us.
Eve – Oh, really?
Ethan – Well, yes… Ethan and Eve…
Eve – I see… So, it was you?
Ethan – Me?
Eve – Last time. It was you again…
Ethan – Looks like it.
Eve – You didn’t leave much of an impression.
Ethan – Well, maybe that’s a good thing…
Eve – Is it?
Ethan – No, I mean, at least it didn’t leave a bad impression… Considering what you were saying earlier—our first child, and all that… and the billions of offspring to follow.
Eve – True, it is a bit scary.
Ethan – Yeah.
Eve – Want an apple while we wait?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Offspring est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Alban and Eve is a collection of fourteen sketches featuring a unique couple—both archetypal and contemporary—navigating situations that range from the intimate to the metaphysical, and sometimes the outright absurd. From the Garden of Eden to the end of the world, via the hardware store of their parents, these two characters oscillate between love and boredom, survival and domestic philosophy, existential vertigo and laughter.

In an undefined space that might be a garden, an island, a house, or a ruined world, Alban and Eve reenact the original myth of humanity—not to found a glorious civilisation, but to reflect on its failures, its flaws, and its absurdities, all while trying to love and live together.

Each sketch stands on its own, but together they form a two-voice tapestry infused with humour, poetry, and disillusionment. A bittersweet journey through the human condition, seen through the lens of a couple who could be the first—or the last.

Liste of sketches
Offspring
Three
Face to face
Meat
Secret
Improv
Alibi
Lazy Days
Zero
Atmosphere
Old
Permanence
Terminus

All the texts available on this site can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production. To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: Contact form.

Download the entire collection free of charge (PDF)

L’article Ethan and Eve est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is there, sweeping the floor. Another arrives, visibly out of breath.
One – Sorry, my watch stopped. I only noticed an hour later… Am I too late?
Two – Too late…? Yeah… It just ended.
One – Ah, damn it… I was counting on that money to pay my rent…
Two – Well, now you’re officially a job seeker. And finding a job… I’m not sure you’ll find one at the theatre.
One – I can do anything, I assure you!
Two – Did you know your lines, at least?
One – Oh, because we had to learn lines? I thought it was an improvisation show.
Two – Well no. We still do it the old-fashioned way, you know.
One – The old-fashioned way…?
Two – The playwright writes a script. And the actors have to learn it. Before performing it.
One – Oh, I see…
Two – So you show up after the performance, and you don’t know your lines?
One – Alright, so it’s definitely over.
Two – Because I find you likeable, I’ll give you one last chance. Come on. Here (He hands him the broom). Show me what you can do with improvisation…
One – Thank you! I’ll surprise you, you’ll see! (He takes the broom with hesitation) And… is it paid?
The other hands him a five euro note.
Two – Here, this is for your watch.
The other looks at the note.
One – Do you really think I can buy a watch with five euros?
Two – You can always change the battery… Well, do you want this role, yes or no?
One – Yes, yes, of course!
Two – Go ahead! Show me what you can do with a broom…
The first starts sweeping in a somewhat theatrical manner. The second watches him with a disillusioned look.
Two – Don’t overact… Play it more… Actors Studio, you know?
The other starts sweeping in a falsely detached way.
One – Like this?
Two – That’s better… Well, I’ll leave you to work on your role. Who knows, it might even help you in your future career…
One – Thank you! Really…
Two – You will slam the door on your way out…?
He exits. The other continues sweeping, trying out different acting styles.
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Late est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters. They remain silent for a long moment.
One – Too much is too much! That’s enough now!
The other looks at him, slightly surprised.
Two – Uh… Yeah…
One – Don’t you agree?
Two – Yeah, I do…
One – But…?
Two – Nothing, really…
One – You don’t agree with me?
Two – No, I do agree…
One – Come on! You don’t agree with me?
Two – Yes, I do, but…
One – But what?
Two – I think you’re exaggerating a bit, to be honest.
One – Me? Exaggerating?
Two – You’re exaggerating a lot, actually.
One – I’m exaggerating a lot? Me? Just because I said too much is too much?
Two – Yes, I think you’re exaggerating. Way too much…
One – Well damn…
Two – Yeah…
Pause.
One – Wait… How can one exaggerate too much?
Two – Don’t twist my words, okay? I didn’t say you were exaggerating too much, which would be a pleonasm. I said you were exaggerating way too much.
One – How can one exaggerate way too much, when exaggerating too much is already a pleonasm?
Two – Because too much is too much! You either exaggerate or you don’t. You can’t exaggerate too much. It’s categorical and unequivocal. It’s an absolute truth. But exaggerating a little or a lot, or even way too much, is the speaker’s feeling. It’s a relative judgment. And from that personal and subjective perspective, there’s some tolerance for exaggeration.
One – Oh really…?
Two – Take someone from Liverpool, for example; they tend to exaggerate a bit. We tolerate them exaggerating a bit, it’s part of their charm. A person from Liverpool who doesn’t exaggerate enough wouldn’t really be Liverpool-like. But they shouldn’t exaggerate too much either, you see? There’s a limit to exaggeration, after all!
One – Uh… Yeah…
Two – Right.
One – Yet, I just said “too much is too much.”
Two – Yes. But then you added “that’s enough now.” That’s where I think you’re exaggerating a bit. Or even a lot. (Pause) Even for someone from Liverpool…
One – So you think I’m too excessive?
Two – Too excessive, no. That would be another pleonasm. Let’s say rather a bit too much or way too much excessive. Or better yet, very excessive.
One – Very, too… It’s the same, isn’t it?
Two – Are you not hearing what I’m saying? Too much implies exceeding a threshold. It’s binary. You’re either below or above the threshold. On one side or the other of the border. Similarly, “excessive” implies going beyond a norm. That’s why “too much excessive” is a pleonasm.
One – Ah, I see…
Two – “Very,” on the contrary, is a matter of degree. It’s gradual. In summary, you can only be on one side or the other of the boundary, which is why “too much excessive” is pleonastic. But once you’ve crossed the boundaries, you can move away from them to a greater or lesser extent. It’s the idea of “very excessive.”
Pause.
One – Don’t you think you’re exaggerating a bit…?
Two – Apologies, I got carried away.
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Much is Too Much est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters, bohemian style, stare straight ahead.
One – Remember? When we moved here, all around us were fields.
Two – There were even cows.
One – And you could still see the river flowing. I used to go fishing there when I was a kid.
Two – Now it runs under the parking lot of the shopping centre, in a big pipe. And our house is surrounded by council flats.
One – Yeah… We used to live in the countryside, and without moving, now we live in the city.
Two – When you stay still for too long, you end up somewhere else without even realising it, because the world around us has changed.
One – Same with us. In ’68 we were rebels, and now we’re just old farts.
Two – And yet, we don’t feel like we’ve changed.
One – We were born in the era of record players, we invented the Walkman to listen to music while walking, but in the end, we didn’t really go anywhere.
Two – We’ve been treading water.
One – And now, here we are.
Two – In an estate, surrounded by young people who don’t speak the same language as us anymore.
One – Yet we tried to educate them.
Two – Offered them discounted tickets to the theater for the classics
One – They preferred to do rap.
Two – I can’t stand rap.
Pause.
One – Are you planning to go to the Avignon Festival this summer?
Two – I’m not sure. The Avignon Festival isn’t what it used to be.
One – I remember the Cour d’Honneur in the time of Jean Vilar.
Two – He tried to educate the masses by bringing them the great classics at home in their remote provinces.
One – Racine, Sophocles, Shakespeare…
Two – It didn’t last long either.
One – In the “IN” there are only retired teachers, and in the “OFF” there are only one-man shows.
Two – Today, everyone can get on a stage in a garage and tell their life story to their friends.
One – It’s like social media.
Two – Maybe that’s finally the dictatorship of the proletariat.
One – Yeah… The left-wing newspapers have no more readers.
Two – And the Socialist Party has no more voters.
One – Except for a few old farts like us.
Two – What if we moved?
One – Where to?
Two – To the countryside.
One – That’s what we did back in ’68. But the city caught up with us…
Two – Apparently, we didn’t go far enough…
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Static est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters are leafing through a stack of electoral manifestos.
One – How many are there exactly?
Two – Twenty-three.
One – That’s crazy. Every election, there are always more candidates.
Two – Must be inflation.
One – Yeah. And candidates are like banknotes, the more there are in circulation, the less they’re worth.
Pause.
Two – Who are you thinking of voting for?
One – I don’t know… I quite like this one…
Two – Which one?
One – The one with the nice tie, always well-groomed.
Two – Oh, yeah…
One – Look at this one. He could have shaved at least!
Two – And what do you think of this one? I think he presents himself well too.
One – Yeah… Maybe a bit too much, though.
Two – Too much?
One – I don’t know, he’s a bit too… Could he be…
Two – No… You think so?
One – Or maybe this one.
Two – Which one?
One – This one!
Two – Looks like Lieutenant Columbo.
One – True… But I like Lieutenant Columbo.
Two – I heard him on TV last time, swearing like a trooper!
One – Yeah.
Two – No, this one’s always well-mannered.
One – Yes, but you know what they say.
Two – What?
One – Too polite to be honest.
Two – Then again… Rude people aren’t always honest either.
One – Can’t argue with that.
Two – When you’re representing the country, though… Especially abroad.
One – Yeah.
Two – Back in our day, when they still wore uniforms, it had more panache.
One – True… Although General De Gaulle… His uniforms weren’t always well-tailored, were they?
Two – He was very tall.
One – Some people wear their suits too big, he was a bit too big for his suit.
Two – True, Marshal Petain wore the uniform better.
One – Because he was shorter.
Two – Well, all this doesn’t help us decide who to vote for
One – That one looks completely stupid.
Two – He’s the incumbent candidate.
One – Oh, really?
Two – We voted for him last time.
One – No? I didn’t realise he was so ugly.
Two – And what about this one?
One – Too centrist.
Two – How can someone be too centrist? Centre is centre, isn’t it?
One – I’m not saying too centrist compared to the centre, I’m saying too centrist compared to me!
Two – You want him to lean more left?
One – I don’t know. Or maybe more right. Because the centre…
Two – Yeah, it lacks a bit of…
One – It’s true, he seems a bit wishy-washy.
Two – Hey, we’ve never tried this one.
One – Yeah… Well, I’ve never tried sodomy either.
Two – What?
One – Oh, nothing, I was just saying… Yeah, why not this one…
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Centrist est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is there. A second one arrives.
One – You don’t seem okay. What’s going on?
Two – I got flashed again.
One – By a speed camera?
Two – Yeah, a speed camera! Not the paparazzi…
One – Ah, damn… Were you going too fast…?
Two – No, I was going too slow.
One – Seriously?
Two – Yeah, caught doing twelve kilometres per hour.
One – That’s insane…
Two – On the highway. I had just come out of the petrol station.
One – Twelve kilometres per hour…
Two – I don’t drive a sports car, you know. Takes a while to get up to speed. Five hundred euros.
One – No way…? Is it true?
Two – Of course it’s not true, idiot!
One – You didn’t get flashed?
Two – I did!
One – But… why?
Two – Because I was going too fast, you moron! I got flashed, I’m telling you!
One – No need to get upset. It wasn’t very clear, either…
Two – It seems like you’re the one who’s not very clear… Are you okay?
One – I just got out of the hospital.
Two – No way? So that’s why you’re still a bit groggy. What happened?
One – Allergic reaction to a bee sting. Right on my throat.
Two – Seriously?
One – Yes. Bees are real bastards, I swear.
Two – They make honey. And they enable pollination. If bees disappear… with all the chemicals…
One – Chemicals?
Two – The ones they spray on crops! Bees pollinate the flowers, and that’s what poisons them.
One – You know a lot about bees.
Two – I have a friend who’s a beekeeper.
One – Anyway, I didn’t think a simple bee sting could land you in the emergency room.
Two – Maybe that’s why.
One – Of course that’s why! I got stung, I’m telling you!
Two – No, I mean, maybe it’s because of those chemicals. Bees collect them, and then when they sting you, they inject all that crap back into you.
One – Are you suggesting if I had been stung by a bee from organic crops, I wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital?
Two – Who knows… But now, are you okay?
One – I’m fine. And you?
Two – Apart from getting flashed…
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Slow est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is there. A second one arrives.
One – Do you think people will remember us after we die?
Two – You mean… the people who knew us when we were alive? Family, friends…?
One – No, I mean… after. When all the people who knew us are also dead.
Two – I see… Will we pass into posterity?
One – Why not?
Two – We’d have to do something truly significant, right?
One – Let’s say we did.
Two – Alright… Like saving the free world, as Winston Churchill did.
One – Churchill isn’t that distant in memory. There are still people who knew him personally… There’s no guarantee that in a hundred years…
Two – Okay… So we’re talking more about staying forever in the collective memory.
One – What does it take to achieve immortality, do you think?
Two – Exterminate millions of people, like Hitler or Pol Pot?
One – Let’s aim for leaving a positive legacy instead.
Two – Discovering America, like Christopher Columbus…?
One – Maybe, though Native Americans might not share the same sentiment. But true, it’s been five hundred years and we still remember it.
Two – Founding a religion, like Jesus Christ…
One – That was two thousand years ago.
Two – And we’re likely to remember it for a long time.
One – Indeed, some figures have been remembered even longer.
Two – Yeah…
One – Do you know who the oldest human being we still remember is?
Two – Lucy?
One – Lucy is just a bunch of bones. The skeleton isn’t even complete. We hardly know anything about her.
Two – We know she was a woman.
One – That’s a thin basis for posterity. Especially since she probably wasn’t called Lucy when she was alive.
Two – Well… Who then?
One – Pharaoh Narmer. He lived five thousand years ago. He’s the oldest historical figure we still remember today, for unifying Upper and Lower Egypt.
Two – I don’t remember him.
One – Egyptologists do.
Two – And when there are no more Egyptologists?
One – There will always be Egyptologists, right?
Two – Always, you think? What about when Earth is destroyed by human madness?
One – Maybe there’ll still be a few Egyptologists among the survivors.
Two – And when the Sun absorbs the Earth in five billion years?
One – By then, perhaps humans will have colonised another planet.
Two – Taking an Egyptologist with them? I’m not sure they’ll be the first to be saved…
One – It will still be in the books of Egyptology.
Two – And when the universe self-destructs, in the big crunch or the big freeze, depending on which theory holds at that time?
One – Yeah… At that point, no one will be left to remember us, that’s for sure.
Two – Yet many people have already forgotten us, and we’re not even dead.
One – You’re right… What’s the point of bothering to try to do something significant to achieve immortality? If in the long term, we’re all doomed to be forgotten.
Pause.
Two – Let’s have another drink to forget this sad reality…
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Long est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is there. A second one arrives.
One – There are too many unemployed people in this country.
Two – That’s true.
One – How many are there?
Two – I don’t know.
One – In any case, there are too many.
Two – Definitely.
One – And why are there too many?
Pause.
Two – Because there are too many workers.
One – What?
Two – Well… Who is taking the jobs from the unemployed?
One – Who?
Two – The workers!
One – Yes, I suppose you’re right.
Two – So if there are too many unemployed, it’s because there are too many workers?
One – If there were fewer workers, there would be more jobs for the unemployed, right? That makes sense.
Two – That’s true.
One – So we could also say: there are too many workers in this country.
Two – You’re right. It’s the workers who are taking the jobs from the unemployed, when you think about it.
One – Exactly! Of course, you’re right.
Pause.
Two – There’s a pile of dishes in the sink…
One – Just thinking about it tires me out.
Two – You wash and I’ll dry?
One – Alright…
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Exhausting est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is there. A second one arrives.
One – Hello. Can I kiss you?
Two – It’s nice of you to ask first, but… isn’t that a bit fast?
One – I don’t know.
Two – You might find me old-fashioned, but for me, it’s a bit too quick.
One – Sorry. You’re probably right.
Two – After all, we don’t know each other.
One – True.
Two – To start a conversation, you have to admit it’s quite direct.
One – Of course… But then… what could I have said?
Two – I don’t know, you could have… asked me for a lighter, for example.
One – That’s a bit old-fashioned, isn’t it?
Two – Yes… Plus, I don’t have a lighter.
One – And I don’t smoke.
Two – Well, that’s a plus point for you.
One – Oh really?
Two – Don’t get too carried away though.
One – Sorry…
Two – It’s true that you’re very handsome, but… exactly.
One – Exactly what?
Two – You know what they say…
One – No…
Two – Too good to be true.
One – You flatter me, but… too handsome… Let’s not exaggerate.
Two – And there’s also another saying.
One – What?
Two – Jack of all trades, master of none.
One – That’s true, I forgot they say that too.
Two – No, really, it would be a bit hasty. But we can kiss on the cheek, if you want…
One – You’re right, it’s better to start slowly.
They kiss on the cheek.
Two – Was that okay, not too…?
One – No, no, it was just right.
Two – We could have just shaken hands, but…
One – That might not have been enough…
Two – Maybe next time.
One – Yes…
Two – It’s always been my rule anyway. Never on the first night.
One – Of course… But then, there’s always a first time.
Two – That’s true…
One – No, because never on the first night… I didn’t mean to ask you to…
Two – Clearly.
One – Well, it’s up to you.
Two – So, do you think I was too…
One – Honestly, I’m not sure anymore.
Two – It’s true, you need to find a middle ground.
One – You’re right, I was a bit too direct.
Two – On the other hand, you did say hello first.
One – Sorry?
Two – You said, “Hello. Can I kiss you?” So, technically, you did start with hello. First.
One – That’s true.
Two – It’s still quite direct but… polite, nonetheless.
One – Yes.
Two – Now… it’s true that you’re very handsome.
One – Too good to be true…
Two – And what about me?
One – You?
Two – Am I not a bit too… to be true, I mean.
One – No, you’re fine. You’re… quite believably handsome.
Two – I’m not sure how to take that…
One – Sorry, I didn’t mean…
Two – Let’s stick to the cheek kiss after all.
One – Okay.
Two – Until next time, perhaps.
The second character leaves.
One – I think I might have done too much… Or maybe not enough?
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Fast est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two characters. They remain silent for a moment.
One – How time flies…
Two – What time is it?
One – No, I meant… in general.
Two – In general?
One – How time flies… in general.
Two – Oh, I see…
One – As Aznavour sang… “Yesterday when I was young”…
Two – Yeah…
One – If only young people knew how short life is…
Two – You think they don’t know?
One – Doesn’t stop them from thinking that old people are a different breed.
Two – Well, sometimes old people don’t make much effort to stay young either.
One – Call us old fools, too.
Two – Isn’t that what we are?
One – There are young fools too.
Two – At least they have the excuse of youth.
One – You’re right… If only young people knew how short life is…
Two – They’d already be old.
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Short est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is there, sitting on a chair. A second character arrives, looking older.
One – Good morning… (Standing up) Please, have a seat!
Two – What?
One – Take my seat, please. I’m perfectly fine standing.
Two – Because I give you the impression that I can’t stand?
One – No, no, not at all, it’s just that…
Two – Don’t you think this attitude is a bit insulting after a while?
One – Insulting?
Two – I call it ageism.
One – Ageism?
Two – Exactly! Ageism. Like racism or sexism, but against old people.
One – Oh, really?
Two – It’s condescension, if you prefer. Towards women, towards Black people, towards old people… And unfortunately, it’s not exclusive. Can you imagine the humiliation an elderly Black woman must feel when a young white jerk offers her his seat on the bus out of pure condescension?
One – An elderly Black woman… like Rosa Parks, you mean?
Two – So you look down on old people?
One – Oh no, not at all, I assure you. I adore old people.
Two – You see? “I adore old people!” As if old people were a different race… That’s ageist racism.
One – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…
Two – It’s like saying to me: “I love Arabs, my cleaning lady is Moroccan.” Or “I love homosexuals, my hairdresser is transgender.”
One – Is that so…?
Two – You too will be old one day, you know… You’ll never be Black, that’s for sure. But you will be old.
One – Of course, I’m perfectly aware…
Two – You wouldn’t think so…
Pause
One – So… you really don’t want to sit down?
Two – That’s right, keep going…
One – It doesn’t bother me, I assure you. On the contrary, it pleases me.
Two – Please stop!
One – You don’t want to sit down?
Two – Well, I…
One – But…?
Two – I’m wary…
One – Wary of me? You shouldn’t be, I assure you! Am I scaring you? But why?
Two – I don’t know, you’re… too polite to be honest.
One – Alright… Well, never mind then, stay standing if you want.
Two – I will, thanks.
Pause
One – On the other hand, it’s obvious that you’re honest.
Two – Oh yeah?
One – Politeness isn’t exactly your strong suit.
Two – Oh yeah? Say that again?
One – Old bag!
Two – Piece of shit.
One – Fat lump.
Two – Illiterate.
One – Woke.
Two – Procrastinator.
One – Procrastinator? Are you sure that’s an insult?
Two – Oh no?
One – Do you know what it means?
Two – No, do you?
One – Me neither.
Pause
Two – I think we got a bit carried away.
One – Yes.
Two – I’ll sit down after all.
One – Oh really? And do you really think I’m going to give you my seat now?
Two – No?
One – You’ll stay standing. Consider it a lesson.
Two – That’s what I thought… No respect for old people…
Fade to black.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Polite est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is there. A second character arrives, with a wide smile on their face.
Two – Good morning, Sir. I have some good news to share with you!
One – Alright, start with the bad news then.
Two – Um… no, I didn’t say I have good and bad news… Just good news.
One – Oh, sorry. When you’re not used to it… And… what’s this bad news then?
Two – Did you happen to validate a lottery ticket last week?
One – Yes, I did.
Two – Well, I’m pleased to inform you that you’ve won.
One – Me? Won? How much?
Two – 233 million euros.
One – 233 million?
Two – 233 million.
One – Ah, yes, that’s quite a sum.
Two – But it doesn’t seem to make you happy.
One – No, no, of course it does, but…
Two – But?
One – Isn’t it a bit too much?
Two – Too much?
One – I mean, a million would be enough. I’d buy a house and…
Two – And?
One – You’re right. Let’s say 10 million then. I’d buy a house and retire. But 233 million!
Two – I understand it might take some time to get used to this idea.
One – Couldn’t it be a bit less?
Two – Less?
One – I don’t know… Maybe 33 million euros. Honestly, I really can’t handle more…
Two – Sorry, but it’s take it or leave it.
One – I’ll need some time to think about it.
Two – Sure, take your time. But not too long. Because there’s a deadline… To claim your prize, I mean…
One – You know, with several hundred million euros, I’d have no family left. No friends.
Two – Trust me, with such fortune, you’ll rediscover distant cousins you thought you’d lost touch with. And you’ll find out you had more friends than you imagined.
One – Yes, but that’s precisely what scares me. I’ll be surrounded only by interested people.
Two – Yes…
One – Not to mention my wife…
Two – Your wife?
One – She’s a communist, my wife! She already criticises me for not being left-wing enough… So when I tell her I’ve won 233 million euros…
Two – Trust me, experience shows that with 233 million euros, a wife doesn’t stay communist for long…
One – No, you don’t understand… Relationships with everyone around me will be completely distorted…
Two – You’ll meet new people… People as wealthy as you.
One – I’m not under any illusions. I know that true rich people, those born into it, will never accept me. To them, I’ll always be the guy who won his fortune in the lottery.
Two – Perhaps…
One – And if my wife leaves me? How do I find another one?
Two – With 233 million euros?
One – I’ll always think they only want to marry me for my money!
Two – Obviously…
One – No, I think I’ll just buy another ticket instead.
Two – Another ticket?
One – A lottery ticket!
Two – What for ? You’ve already won!
One – Perhaps this time, I’ll be lucky enough to win a bit less…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Rich est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One character is there, dressed in black with a white clerical collar. A second character arrives, dressed in a very casual style.
Two – Hello, Father.
One – Hello, my son. How can I help you?
Two – Well, I was wondering how to be sure of going to heaven.
One – Sure…? You know, heaven is not a given for anyone, my son.
Two – Not even for you?
One – We are all poor sinners. Myself included. Do you know what Jesus said to those who wanted to stone an adulterous woman?
Two – What?
One – Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
Two – OK, but aside from not stoning women… There must be a few tricks to earn points, right?
One – It’s not a game either, you know, with a certain score to achieve, beyond which admission would be automatic. It’s at God’s discretion.
Two – But you must have an idea! After all, you’re the specialist…
One – Of course… Let’s say… You must strive to do good around you.
Two – Do good.
One – You must be nice.
Two – Yes.
One – This seems to perplex you, my son.
Two – It’s just that… it’s about what my wife often says.
One – Your wife?
Two – Too nice for your own good.
One – Excuse me?
Two – Too nice for your own good. That’s what my wife says.
One – And what do you mean by that, my son?
Two – Well… She seems to suggest that when one is too nice, others take advantage.
One – I see.
Two – What do you think, Father? Do you think one can be too nice?
One – Too nice? Well…
Two – Because I want to be just nice enough to go to heaven, but not so much that people take me for a fool, you see.
One – I understand.
Two – So what’s the middle ground?
One – That is…
Two – Take Jesus, for example.
One – Jesus?
Two – Don’t you think he was a bit too nice?
One – But… Why do you say that?
Two – He did end up on the cross…
One – That’s true.
Two – Too nice for your own good, I tell you. My wife is right.
One – My God… She might not be entirely wrong.
Two – Did he end up in heaven, at least?
One – Who?
Two – Jesus!
One – Jesus? In heaven? I must admit, that’s a question… I’ve never considered.
Two – So where is he then?
One – Where?
Two – If he’s not in heaven, where is he?
One – Well… I don’t know.
Two – And what does he do all day?
One – How Jesus spends his days…? I must admit, you’ve stumped me there too.
Two – I’ll ask ChatGPT about it.
He takes out his mobile and starts typing.
One – And so?
Two – So, according to ChatGPT, Jesus is waiting for God to command him to return to Earth.
One – He’s waiting…?
Two – He’s waiting.
One – And he does nothing else?
Two – Basically, he’s bored out of his mind.
One – Ah, yes…
Two – He must be doing something while he waits. But what?
One – I don’t know…
Two – If even ChatGPT doesn’t know where Jesus is and what he does all day…
One – On the other hand, my son, you know what they say…
Two – What?
One – Great is the mystery of Faith…
Two – Yeah.
One – Yeah…
Pause.
Two – Too nice for your own good, I tell you…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Nice est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character is present, dressed as discreetly as possible (trench coat and dark glasses, for example). A second character arrives, in an old-fashioned bourgeois style. They hesitate a bit before addressing the first.
Two – Hello, I am…
One – Not so fast… Do you have the password?
Two – Ah, yes, that’s right, the password… What was it again…? My memory’s not what it used to be, you know… And you told me not to write it down anywhere. So let me think… Got it! A pear a day keeps the doctor away…
One – Provided you aim well.
Two – That’s from Churchill, isn’t it? I hope you’re not just going to offer me blood, toil, tears, and sweat like he did.
One – Actually… It’s not a pear, it’s an apple, but well… Let’s not be too rigid.
Two – An apple, of course… A pear, I don’t know why I said that… But the truth is that things are going pear-shaped for me.
One – Right… So…?
The other extends their hand to introduce themselves.
Two – Charles Swindlemore von Hustlestein. Thank you for seeing me…
One – Dominic Dupont, from the Dupont and Dupont and Sons Detective Agency.
Two – Mr Dupont…
One – Of course, that’s not my real name, as you might guess.
Two – Obviously.
One – You can call me DD.
Two – DD?
One – Dupont and Dupont…
Two – Of course.
One – Are you sure no one followed you?
Two – I changed taxis three times to get here, as you instructed. And I left my mobile at home to avoid being tracked.
One – Very good, so I’m listening.
Two – It’s not easy to say, you know… At my age, I never thought I’d get to this point…
One – Don’t worry, I’m used to it… So, what is it? Adultery? Heir search? Industrial espionage?
Two – I want… you to find someone for me.
One – Very well… A long-lost friend? A youthful love? An illegitimate child?
Two – More like… a general practitioner who’s still taking new patients.
One – I see…
Two – I know my request might seem surprising…
One – You’re the third this week.
Two – Oh really…?
One – Unfortunately, I don’t perform miracles.
Two – I understand. But will you at least let me hope…?
One – These days, you know, finding a GP for a healthy patient is harder than finding a man’s wife’s lover.
Two – I can imagine. But I’ve tried everything, believe me. I even consulted a fortune teller.
One – I see…
Two – She found me an old doctor in Normandy. I was even ready to move there.
One – To Normandy?
Two – Yes, I thought the same, it’s a bit radical, but well… I didn’t even have to make that difficult decision. He died a few days later.
One – Goes to show, you can be a doctor and still have fragile health.
Two – He was 102 years old.
One – Ah yes…
Two – I even made a pilgrimage to Lourdes, but there too…
One – It’s a medical desert…
Two – You’re my last hope…
One – The thing is, nowadays… For a doctor to accept a new patient, one of their current patients has to die first.
Two – I’m fully aware of that.
One – And to take the deceased’s place, you have to be the first to know about their death.
Two – That’s what I’ve gathered.
One – Which isn’t always very reassuring.
Two – And why’s that?
One – Choosing a doctor whose patients are dropping like flies…
Two – True, I hadn’t thought of that.
One – If you like, I can refer you to a colleague.
Two – Another detective, you mean? More specialised in the medical field.
One – I was thinking more… of a hitman.
Two – I’m not sure I understand…
One – As I said, for a spot to open up…
Two – A patient has to die.
One – So if you commission the execution yourself, of course…
Two – I’ll be the first to know that a spot has opened up…
One – And at least in that case, the responsibility for the patient’s death won’t lie with their doctor.
Two – Which would allow me to hope that they’re not necessarily a terrible doctor.
One – That’s all I can offer you, unfortunately.
Two – I’ll need some time to think about it.
One – Not too long, because you know… Hitmen are also getting a bit overwhelmed these days. At least the more professional ones.
Two – The more professional ones…?
One – You need someone quite discreet. You wouldn’t want to end up in prison for commissioning a murder.
Two – Then again… In prison, at least I’d probably have a dedicated doctor.
One – That, my dear friend, is far from certain.
Two – Right… A hitman it is… Do you have someone trustworthy to recommend?
The other hands him a business card.
Two – Smith and Wesson and Sons, certified hitmen.
One – Of course, those aren’t their real names either, I imagine.
Two – Strangely enough, they are.
One – Right. Thank you, Doctor. I mean, thank you, Mr Dupont…
Two – At your service…
One – And otherwise… you wouldn’t happen to know a good dentist…? (The other looks at him but doesn’t reply) Alright…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Radical est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Two rather elderly characters meet. The first is dressed in a sporty manner and seems full of energy. The second is dressed more traditionally for their age and appears more subdued. The first immediately recognises the second.
One – Well, well! What are you doing here?
The other seems surprised.
Two – Do we know each other?
One – Do we know each other? (Introducing himself) Robert! We worked together in the same company for forty years!
Two – Oh yes…?
One – So, old friend, how’s retirement treating you?
Two – It’s fine… And you?
One – Me? I thought I’d be bored. But no way… I don’t have a minute to myself.
Two – Oh really…?
One – Well, on Mondays, I have my hiking club. Last week, we climbed a volcano.
Two – A volcano? I didn’t know there were any around here.
One – An ancient volcano. Extinct, obviously. Going down is fine, but going up…
Two – Yes, it’s like with stairs…
One – Well, it keeps you in shape, believe me. On Tuesdays, I teach literacy classes.
Two – At a school?
One – In prison.
Two – Oh yes…
One – There are many foreigners among the inmates, so naturally, there are also many illiterates…
Two – Like at school, then.
One – It’s very enriching, you know.
Two – Oh, because it’s paid?
One – Enriching… humanly, I mean. It’s voluntary, of course. We give a lot, but they give back as well, I assure you. Some come from countries I didn’t even know existed. It’s an exchange, really. We learn as much as they do, you know. About their language… About their culture… They tell me about their lives… We share memories… Even cooking recipes sometimes…
Two – Oh yes… It must be fascinating.
One – Where was I?
Two – Wednesday, I think…
One – Well, Wednesday is sacred! I look after my grandchildren. Since both parents work. A real joy. I’m lucky, they live just across the street from us. Do you have grandchildren?
Two – Three. They live in Australia.
One – Oh, damn…
Two – Yes, well…
One – Yesterday, I took them to the zoo. You’ll laugh, but they had never seen monkeys in real life. You should have seen their faces! Well, we didn’t stay too long. They were bonobos…
Two – Oh yes… And it’s springtime.
One – Then we went to McDonald’s… It’s not really my principle, but hey. If you don’t want to be out of touch with the youth, you have to make some compromises.
Two – That’s true…
One – On Thursdays… I have my Chinese class.
Two – You’re learning Chinese?
One – It’s really fascinating, I swear. And it’s not as complicated as it seems, really.
Two – If you say so…
One – Do you know how to say hello in Chinese?
Two – I confess that so far, I’ve managed to survive without knowing.
One – Ni hao.
Two – Meow?
One – Ni hao!
Two – Oh yes? But why Chinese? Are you planning to go to China?
One – Why not? If nothing else, I can always have a chat with the owner of the new Chinese restaurant that just opened in town. The Delights of Beijing. You know, just opposite the town hall.
Two – The Delights of Saigon… I think he’s Vietnamese.
One – Oh really? On Fridays, I have my book club…
Two – You still have time to read, with all that? I suppose there’s always the weekends.
One – Weekends? You’re joking! On Saturdays, I have my theatre class, and Sundays are for the choir.
Two – Well… You’re definitely not bored, that’s for sure.
One – You can say that again… Sometimes I wonder if I should slow down a bit. We’re not twenty anymore, after all.
Two – That’s true… Then again, at twenty, I wasn’t doing much already.
One – You have to stay active if you want to keep fit. And especially keep your mind sharp, because otherwise… You saw earlier, you didn’t even recognise me!
Two – Well…
One – Did you know that after sixty, our brains lose 100,000 neurons a day?
Two – I must not have many left, then…
One – Anyway, tell me about yourself!
Two – Me?
One – What do you do with your days?
Two – Me…? Nothing.
One – Nothing?
Two – I’m bored out of my mind.
One – No way? That’s crazy… But if you’re interested, you know…
Two – No, thanks.
One – No, what?
Two – No, I’m not interested.
One – Oh really?
Two – Honestly, I’d rather stay bored.
One – Oh, yeah?
Two – Yeah.
One – Well… When I see the old colleagues from the Railway Company, I’ll tell them how you’re doing. Do you know what those idiots gave me for my retirement?
Two – No…
One – An electric train!
Two – Oh, those idiots…
One – We get together once a year in June for a big meal and to reminisce about the good old days. You should come!
Two – Uh, yeah, why not… But you know, I spent my entire career in an airline company.
One – Oh, yeah…?
Two – I was an airline pilot.
One – OK… I won’t keep you any longer. Besides, I have to go. I also help out at the Red Cross at lunchtime. I don’t even have time to eat. I’m telling you, I don’t have a minute to myself…
Two – Yes, that must be quite a change from the Railway Company.
One – Well… Goodbye, Peter…
Two – My name is John.
One – In any case, enjoy your retirement.
Two – Yeah, you too. So… Tam biêt.
One – Tam biêt…?
Two – It means goodbye in Vietnamese.
One – Of course.
The first character walks away, still full of energy, while the second remains puzzled.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Busy est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A character enters. They hesitate for a moment before addressing the audience.
One – I’m not too late, am I? (Pauses) No, otherwise I imagine you’d have already left… (He looks around the stage, a bit worried) Or maybe I’m a bit early… (Pauses) No, otherwise you wouldn’t already be here… (Pauses) Have you been here long?
Another character enters, also a bit anxious.
Two – I’m not late, am I?
One – Pardon?
Two – No, since you’re already here…
One – Ah, yes… No, no… You’re just on time. At least, I think so…
Two – Have you been waiting for me long?
One – No… (Pauses) In fact, to be honest… I wasn’t waiting for you.
Two – Oh, weren’t you?
One – At least, not so soon… And you?
Two – Me?
One – Were you expecting to find me here?
Two – Well… I thought you wouldn’t be here anymore.
One – I was just about to leave, actually.
Two – For a moment… We might have missed each other…
One – Well, here we are, both of us, that’s the main thing…
Two – Yes, it’s starting to feel like an appointment, isn’t it?
One – An appointment?
Two – Being in the same place at the same time. That’s what you call an appointment, isn’t it?
One – Yes.
Two – If it’s planned in advance, anyway.
One – And if everyone is consenting…
Two – I don’t know why, but an appointment… It makes me think of a space rendezvous.
One – Oh, really…?
Two – Meeting at exactly the same time, in the same place, in the infinite space-time of the universe.
One – A rendezvous… between two spacecraft, you mean?
Two – Two craft that will gently dock with each other. At phenomenal speed, even though it looks like they’re stationary because they’re moving at exactly the same pace. A manoeuvre of extreme delicacy, where the slightest error could be fatal…
One – Two craft that will dock with each other…?
Two – It’s a metaphor…
One – As I said earlier… If everyone is consenting…
Two – Of course…
One – But it could also just be a simple meeting.
Two – A meeting? You mean…
One – A chance encounter.
Two – Chance?
One – A coincidence.
Two – Yes… Well… You know what they say…
One – No.
Two – There’s no such thing as chance, only appointments.
One – There are also missed appointments.
Two – In that case, this one is quite successful. Since we’re both here.
One – And the audience too.
Two – That’s true.
One – It’s the magic of theatre.
Two – So, since everyone is here.
One – At the same time.
Two – Just at the right moment.
One – Neither too early nor too late.
Two – And we’ve nothing better to do.
Together – Let the show begin…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Enough is enough!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Too Early est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A comedy made up of sketches that humorously tackle ever-relevant topics, starting from this tragicomic observation: when we stay still for too long, we eventually find ourselves somewhere else without realising it, because the world around us has changed…

List of sketches
1 – Too Early
2 – Too Busy
3 – Too Radical
4 – Too Nice
5 – Too Rich
6 – Too Polite
7 – Too Short
8 – Too Fast
9 – Too Exhausting
10 – Too Long
11 – Too Slow
12 – Too Centrist
13 – Too Static
14 – Too Much is Too Much
15 – Too Late

All the texts available on this site can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production. To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: Contact form.

Download the entire collection free of charge (PDF)

L’article Enough is enough! est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

Ramirez, a police inspector, enters, followed by his deputy, Sanchez. They look around.
Ramirez – You haven’t touched anything?
Sanchez – No… What would I have touched?
Ramirez – True… I’ve never seen a crime scene so… desperately empty.
Sanchez – Yes…
Ramirez – Finding clues here is going to be tricky.
Sanchez – I don’t see what we could send to the lab… aside from the air we’re breathing.
Ramirez – You know, that’s an idea…
Sanchez – You want me to send an air sample to the lab?
Ramirez – There’s no visible weapon… Maybe it was gas poisoning.
Sanchez – Only an autopsy would tell us that…
Ramirez looks around again.
Ramirez – An autopsy, fine, but… where are the bodies?
Sanchez looks around too.
Sanchez – Apparently, there are no bodies either.
Ramirez – What do you mean, no bodies? If there are no bodies, there’s no crime! And if there’s no crime, there’s no crime scene…
Sanchez – There must be victims, though. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here.
Ramirez – There are victims, but no bodies?
Sanchez – I don’t see any…
Ramirez – The perpetrator must have disposed of the bodies… But how?
Sanchez – I suppose that’s what we’re here to find out…
They look around again, then at the floor.
Ramirez – I don’t see anything.
Sanchez – Ah, I think I’ve got something.
Ramirez – What is it?
Sanchez – A book.
Ramirez – A book?
Sanchez (flipping through it) – A play.
Ramirez – How do you know it’s a play?
Sanchez – It’s published by Comediatheque Editions.
Ramirez – Do you think it could help with our investigation?
Sanchez – Who knows… (He keeps reading) It’s unsettling… The characters in here have the same names as us…
Ramirez – No?
Sanchez – Inspector Ramirez and his deputy, Sanchez…
Ramirez – Let me see… (He takes the book and reads a few pages) And their descriptions match exactly those of the victims we’ve been sent to investigate.
Sanchez – So… if we go with that theory… we’re characters in a play?
Ramirez – Worse than that: we’re dead…
Sanchez – And we’ve been assigned to investigate our own disappearance…?
Ramirez – This is the strangest case I’ve encountered in my entire career.
Sanchez – What type of play is it? Comedy? Tragedy?
Ramirez – You know me, theatre’s not really my thing…
Sanchez – What’s the title?
Ramirez – Dramedies.
Sanchez – Dramedies?
Ramirez – That’s the title of the play.
They exchange baffled looks.
Sanchez – How could characters in a play die? Since they don’t actually exist.
Ramirez – This is all a bit unusual.
Sanchez – Dying on stage, no less…
Ramirez – So you think… we’re on a theatre stage?
Sanchez turns to the audience.
Sanchez – Look at all these people, sitting in the dark… Looks like they’ve come to watch us…
Ramirez – Hell, you’re right… Who do you think they are? Witnesses?
Sanchez – Maybe they’re here to watch the re-enactment.
Ramirez – This is crazy… Don’t tell me they even paid to be here.
Sanchez – Why don’t you ask them?
Ramirez – You think we can talk to them?
Sanchez – I don’t know…
Ramirez – It might help with our investigation…
Sanchez – Maybe they saw something…
Ramirez approaches an audience member.
Ramirez – Did you pay for your ticket?
A little improvisation based on the response or non-response of the audience member.
Sanchez – And… did you see anything?
Ramirez – Looks like we’re on our own, as usual.
Sanchez – Yes, because it seems our characters didn’t leave much of an impression…
Ramirez – Sadly, that’s the fate of most ordinary mortals. To leave no trace after their time on Earth.
Sanchez – Still… Us, theatre characters…
Ramirez – True… We might have hoped for a bit of recognition…
Sanchez – The play was probably a flop. When it’s a masterpiece, people remember the characters, don’t they?
Ramirez – Especially the leads… Some characters even become more famous than their authors.
Sanchez – Take Sherlock Holmes, everyone remembers him. But who remembers the name of the author of Sherlock Holmes?
Ramirez – Elementary, my dear Watson. It’s Conan Doyle.
Sanchez – Alas, you’re no Sherlock Holmes.
Ramirez – And you’re no Doctor Watson.
Sanchez – Otherwise, we’d have solved this mystery ages ago.
Ramirez – What can you do… We’re just minor characters.
Sanchez – The ones nobody remembers once the curtain falls… Who said life is but a dream?
Ramirez – Life… It feels long, especially at the beginning. You start saying your lines in the first act.
Sanchez – At first, you don’t realise the play’s already written.
Ramirez – And gradually, you remember the words as you’re saying them.
Sanchez – Until you remember them before you say them.
Ramirez – And when the story nears its end… You just hope you don’t mess up your exit…
Sanchez – It’s a bit musty in here, isn’t it?
Ramirez – That’s the smell of the theatre.
Sanchez – The good news is, we’ve managed to find the bodies.
Ramirez – Yes… And they seem to be starting to stink.
Sanchez – The smell of decomposing characters…
Ramirez – The ones from all those flops that couldn’t hold the stage.
Sanchez – Plays that never found their audience, as they say…
Ramirez – The one we were in must not have been very timely… Take an air sample. We’ll send it to the lab for confirmation.
Sanchez takes a small bottle from his pocket, uncaps it, waits a moment, then caps it and puts it back in his pocket.
Sanchez – And there we go. Curtain call.
Ramirez – Time to exit the stage. For good. For us, this was the last performance…
Sanchez – Let’s head out this way.
Ramirez – To think all these poor people paid to be here…
Sanchez – Dramedies.
Ramirez – We should have called it Autopsy of a Flop.
Sanchez – I’d have preferred to be in a masterpiece… To leave a legacy.
Ramirez – Maybe next time…
They exit.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Dramedies
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Crime Scene est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

The beam of a torch in the darkness. Then a second one. The first light shines on the second person’s face.
Him – Ah, it’s you! You gave me a fright…
Her – Well?
Him – It’s done, everything’s in the truck.
Her – It all went smoothly?
Him – The usual.
She directs her torch beam toward the audience.
Her – So, no one was there…
Him – With the racket that mutt made when I arrived… If anyone had been in the house, they’d have woken up.
Her – Or maybe they’re dead.
Him – Don’t tempt fate. Can you imagine? Breaking into a place at night only to stumble on a corpse…
Her – With my luck lately, it wouldn’t surprise me.
Him – Yeah… I saw that happen in a film once. Can’t remember what it was called…
Her – You can tell me about it another time. And the dog… Is it all right?
Him – Thanks for asking if I got bitten…
Her – Did you?
Him – Tore a hole in my trousers. I had to knock it out…
Her – If there’s no one around, we can turn on the lights, right?
Him – Go ahead, all the houses around here are empty. Mostly holiday homes. Not to mention those who’ve already moved away.
Her – Because of all the burglaries, probably.
Him – If this keeps up, there’ll be nothing but empty houses left to rob around here.
She flips a switch, and the lights come on. His clothes are in tatters.
Her – Ah yes, that dog really did a number on you. Poor thing… You didn’t hurt it too much, did you?
Him – Why? Are you going to report me to the Animal Protection Society?
They look around.
Her – You’ve really done a clean sweep. Nothing left.
Him – Everything’s loaded in the truck.
Her – Anything interesting?
Him – Mostly furniture. Some trinkets. Pretty tasteless.
Her – I see…
Him – New-money style.
Her – Better new money than newly poor.
Him – There was a safe, though.
Her – Really?
Him – I managed to open it.
Her – How much?
Him – It’s all in the truck. I didn’t count it.
Her – We’ll check it out in a bit. Let’s not hang around here. You checked the other rooms?
Him – I cleared them all. Did you come with Bob?
Her – I dozed off in the car on the way here; I don’t even know where we are. (She looks around again) It’s amazing how much an empty house can look like any other.
Him – Yeah…
Her – You’re sure it’s the right house?
Him – You saw the cross marked on the wall outside. Bob scouted the place last week.
Her – Yeah… The kind of cross that means valuables, no alarm, easy access…
Him – He got it right. Except for the dog. It must’ve been asleep when he came by.
Her – Funny. This house looks vaguely familiar…
Him – Maybe it belongs to someone you know…
Her – Maybe…
She picks something up from the floor.
Him – What’s that?
Her – An electricity bill.
Him – Must’ve fallen from a drawer.
Her – It’s in my name…
Him – No…?
Her – I thought as much…
Him – You mean…
Her – This is my place! I can’t believe it… You burgled my house!
Him – How was I supposed to know! There was a cross on the wall. Didn’t you tell Bob where you live?
Her – No… Did you?
Him – It never crossed my mind…
Her – Oh, for heaven’s sake… One in a million chance…
Silence.
Him – Well… Guess the move will be quicker…
Her – I had no intention of moving.
Him – So what do we do?
Her – What else? We’ll just have to put everything back in its place. You know, the furniture and all those tacky trinkets. New-money style…
Him – OK…
Her – And you’re going to give me my money back. Maybe I’ll have enough to buy a new safe with it. Now that you’ve cracked mine open…
Him – Don’t get too sentimental about that safe. It was junk. I got it open in five minutes…
Her – Unbelievable. I hope the dog’s all right, at least…
Him – You’re still worried about that bloody mutt?
Her – It’s my dog! My dog that you knocked out!
Him – Oh, right, sorry… Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.
Her – Yes… I saw him lying by his kennel when I came in. I wondered why he didn’t bark when he saw me.
Him – Well, he recognised his owner, didn’t he?
Her – Yeah… And I didn’t even recognise my own house…
Him – And then they say animals aren’t as clever as us.
Her – Right then, let’s get to work. We’re not done here, are we…
Him – Or we could report the burglary, and you could claim it on the insurance.
Her – You think?
Him – We’ll get rid of all this junk, if we can pawn it off on someone. And you can use it as an excuse to redecorate…
Her – Yeah… And the stage designer can skip the scene change.
Him – Shall we go out through stage right or stage left?
They exit.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Dramedies
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Scene Change est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

She stands in the middle of the empty stage, looking around. He enters.
Him – Ah, there you are! I was looking all over for you…
Her – That’s it, the last truck has just left with the final boxes.
Him – You checked everywhere? Nothing left in the house?
Her – Nothing. Except our memories…
He places a hand on her shoulder.
Him – Come on… We’ll make new ones!
Her – Of course… But plans don’t erase nostalgia.
Him – Any regrets?
Her – No…
Him – Do you remember the first time we walked into this house, to view it?
Her – It was empty then, too.
Him – And between those two emptinesses, we lived. We filled this house. With furniture. Paintings. Children…
Her – And it filled us. With joy. Happiness. Memories.
Him – We’re taking those with us.
Her – And we’re leaving this place almost as spotless as we found it.
Him – Much cleaner, if you ask me.
Her – I wonder who’ll come next… We know nothing about them.
Him – And they’ll know nothing about us.
Her – Just as we know nothing of those who were here before us.
Him – People come and go, houses remain.
Her – Until the houses crumble too. Or are demolished. To make way for blocks of flats.
Him – Some houses are haunted by bad memories.
Her – Yes… Every house has a story. Stories.
Him – Like the story of a crime, for instance.
Her – A crime?
Him – Not all crimes happen out in the open, you know. Most are committed at home. Often within families… And when it becomes a headline, the house becomes unsellable. Sometimes, I imagine, they end up demolishing it to build a new one in its place. A house without a past…
Her – Thank you, that’s very uplifting.
Him – Who knows… Maybe this house, before us, didn’t only witness happy times.
Her – Well, we never found any skeletons in the closets.
Him – Maybe if we’d dug around in the cellar…
Her – Right… Well, in that case, I think we should get going.
Him – See? You just had to ask…
Her – Thanks… I know I can always count on you in difficult times.
They head toward the exit. She bends down and picks something up from the floor.
Him – What is it?
Her – Looks like a manuscript.
Him – A manuscript?
Her – Seems to be a play.
Him – How can you tell?
She flips through the pages.
Her – People talking, if you like. Not like a novel.
Him – I see… Dialogues…
Her – Or it could be a film script.
Him – Is it about a crime?
Her – I don’t know.
Him – It must have been wedged behind a radiator, and with the move, it fell to the floor. The paper’s completely yellowed.
Her – But it’s still legible. After all these years. Can you believe it?
Him – What is it? A comedy? A drama?
Her – We’d have to read it.
Him – Who could have written this?
Her – Someone who lived here before us, I suppose.
Him – Incredible… What if it’s a masterpiece…
Her – It could just as easily be rubbish.
Him – Is it signed?
Her – No… I can’t see an author’s name.
Him – It might be unpublished. An anonymous manuscript, can you imagine? You could sign it and publish it… You’re a publisher. For you, it’d be easy.
Her – That would be plagiarism.
Him – If the author’s dead. And no one knows they wrote it…
Her – I’ll start by reading it…
Him – Isn’t it strange?
Her – What?
Him – We’re leaving this house, and we’re taking someone else’s story with us.
Her – I hope it’s not a tragedy…
Him – At least we didn’t find a body.
Her – It almost makes me want to search…
Him – You think?
Her – Maybe the author’s buried in the cellar…
They leave.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Dramedies
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Anonymous Author est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

A couple. Four chairs. They are sitting.
Her – You all right?
Him – I’m fine… And you?
Her – I’m fine… (Pause) Do you want a drink?
Him – What?
Her – An aperitif? Some peanuts?
Him – No, I’m fine, thanks.
A pause.
Her – It’s nice here, isn’t it?
Him – Here?
Her – In this house.
Him – Yes… (Pause) But it’s not ours.
Her – Oh, isn’t it?
Him – No.
Her – That’s true.
Him – Is it a house, or a flat?
Her – A flat, I think. I’m not sure.
A pause.
Him – Do you remember where our home is?
Her – Our home?
Him – Our real home. Where we belong!
Her – No… Do you?
Him – Neither do I. I can’t even remember what it looked like.
Her – We’ve moved so many times.
Him – That’s true. We do move a lot.
Her – Yes. More and more.
Him – We really should try to remember.
Her – Remember what?
Him – Where we live.
Her – All homes look a bit alike.
Him – Even when it’s a flat.
Her – There are bedrooms. A dining room. A kitchen.
Him – In the kitchen, there’s a fridge, a cooker, a table, drawers…
Her – In the drawers, there are forks, knives, teaspoons.
Him – In the bedrooms, there are children. Sometimes…
Her – When there aren’t, it’s because they’ve already left. To another home.
A pause.
Him – Do you think they’ll come back one day?
Her – The children?
Him – The owners!
Her – Who knows… How long have we been here?
Him – I don’t know… Quite a while, hasn’t it?
Her – Yes.
Him – I’m always afraid someone will ring the doorbell, and it’ll be them.
Her – The children?
Him – The people who live here! The real owners…
Her – Oh, right…
Him – Aren’t you?
Her – Yes. Actually, I wonder if the doorbell works.
Him – What?
Her – The doorbell! We’ve never heard it.
Him – Anyway, when the people who live here come back, they won’t ring.
Her – Why not?
Him – It’s their home! They’ll have the key.
Her – Of course.
Him – When people come home, they don’t ring the bell. They have no reason to think anyone’s inside when they’re not here.
Her – True… Do we have the key?
Him – I don’t know. Do you have the key?
Her – No.
Him – Neither do I.
Her – So how did we get in here?
Him – I can’t remember.
Her – Maybe someone let us in.
Him – Who would have let us in?
Her – The owners?
Him – But we’re alone in this flat.
Her – How long have we been here?
Him – I don’t know…
A pause.
Her – That must be why we never go out. We wouldn’t be able to get back in.
Him – No. Since we don’t have the key.
The doorbell rings. They exchange a worried look.
Her – Do you think it’s them?
Him – We said if it were them, they wouldn’t ring.
Her – So who could it be?
Him – Who knows…
Her – What do we do?
Him – We should answer it, right?
Her – Do you think so?
Him – They’ve seen the light. They know we’re here.
Her – This is it… We’re done for…
Him – We’re going to have to move again.
Her – But where will we go?
Him – I’ll pack our suitcase.
Her – Do we have a suitcase?
Him – Everyone has a suitcase at home, don’t they?
Her – I’ll go and open the door…
Him – What are you going to say to them?
Her – I don’t know…
Him – You’ll have to say something, to explain why we’re here. In their home.
Her – They’re probably just back from holiday.
Him – I’ll go see if we have a suitcase.
She exits. He exits, too. She returns with another couple. Michael has a bottle in hand, and Christine a bouquet of flowers. He returns with a suitcase.
Her – This is Michael and Christine.
Him – Oh, hello…
Michael – Hi. How are you?
Him – I’m fine, and you?
Christine – Great. Are you going on holiday?
Him – No, why?
Michael – You’re holding a suitcase…
Him – Oh, yes, no, I… I was just about to put it away. You know how it is with suitcases, you never know where to put them.
Her – And an empty suitcase takes up as much space as a full one.
Christine – Yes. But it’s lighter.
Michael – True. We should go on holiday with empty suitcases. We’d travel lighter.
They all laugh, a little awkwardly.
Christine – So, how are you?
Him – I’m fine.
Michael – Here, I brought some champagne to celebrate.
Him – Celebrate what?
Michael bursts out laughing.
Michael – Celebrate what? Always a joker, aren’t you?
Christine – He’s funny! Here, I brought some flowers.
Her – Oh yes, lovely.
Him – I’ll go get some flutes.
Her – You want us to play the flute for them?
Michael – Flutes! For the champagne!
Her – Oh, right!
They laugh again.
Christine – She’s funny!
Her – And I’ll find a vase. For the flowers.
Christine – Would you like some help?
Him – No, no, please!
Her – Make yourselves at home.
Him – You know the place.
They both exit.
Michael (smiling) – They’re so funny…
Christine – Yes…
Michael – They haven’t changed. Still as…
Christine – You think so?
Michael – What?
Christine – That they haven’t changed.
Michael – Now that you mention it, I suppose…
Christine – No, but they don’t look anything like…
Michael – Well, a bit, maybe…
Christine – Hmm…
Michael – And you know, people… They change…
Christine – Not this much… Not in a week…
Michael – It was a week ago?
Christine – It was last week. The last time we saw them.
Michael – It’s true, they’ve changed quite a lot.
A pause.
Christine – Or maybe… it’s not them.
Michael – Not them? Then what would they be doing here? If it’s not their home…
A pause.
Christine – You think we could have got the wrong door?
Michael – I doubt it… Besides, they seem to know us, don’t they? If they know us, it means we know them too.
Christine – Yes, of course…
The man returns.
Him – I’m terribly sorry, I couldn’t find any champagne flutes.
Christine – Oh, men…
Michael – Just ask your wife.
The woman returns as well.
Him – Do you know where the flutes are, darling?
Her – No… There might not be any…
Christine – What do you mean? No champagne flutes? Everyone has champagne flutes, don’t they?
Michael – It doesn’t matter. We’ll drink it from regular glasses.
Christine – You’ve got wine glasses, surely?
They don’t look sure.
Him – I didn’t see anything…
Her – I couldn’t find a vase either.
Christine – Surely you have some glasses. In a kitchen…
Her – I couldn’t find the kitchen.
An awkward moment.
Michael – Well… You know what? We’ll drink the champagne from the bottle. Like the Russians!
Christine – Do Russians drink champagne from the bottle?
Michael – The Cossacks, surely. Without even dismounting.
Her – But please, sit down.
They all sit. Awkward smiles. Silence.
Him – And the kids, they’re doing well? (Michael and Christine, who clearly don’t have children, exchange a confused look) No, I meant, kids in general. Not necessarily yours. If you don’t have any…
Her – Or anymore… I mean… You could have had them, and they might have passed away.
Awkward silence.
Her – I’ll see if I can find some peanuts…
She exits.
Him – Anyway, it’s nice of you to drop by.
Christine – We’re friends, aren’t we?
Him – Of course.
Michael and Christine exchange an awkward look. Christine signals Michael to go ahead.
Michael – My question might sound silly, but… do you actually live here?
Him – Why do you ask?
Christine – Well… Our friends who live here don’t look anything like you.
Michael – The last time we came, they looked nothing like you…
She returns.
Her – I found the peanuts!
Christine – So, you found the kitchen…?
Her – I even found some glasses.
Michael – Then we can have a drink!
Christine – Go on…
Michael opens the bottle and pours the drinks. They toast.
Michael – To your health!
Him – To friendship!
They drink.
Her – Have some peanuts.
They eat peanuts.
Christine – I’ve never dared to ask, but…
Him – Yes…?
Christine – Where did you two meet? (Awkward silence) Sorry, I don’t know what came over me…
Her – No, no, it’s just that…
Him – We don’t really remember.
Christine – You don’t remember?
Michael – You don’t remember where you met?
A pause.
Her – I think it was here, wasn’t it?
Christine – Here?
Her – One day, we realised we were living in the same flat.
Him – Yes, funny that… I think that’s how it happened.
Her – It was a while ago, of course.
Him – Yes… A week, maybe.
Her – Yes, that’s right, about a week ago.
Christine – Ah, well…
Him – And you?
Michael – Us?
Her – Have you known each other long?
Christine – No, not very…
Michael – I’d say… Yes, not very long.
Christine – We met in the lobby, downstairs.
Michael – I had a bottle of champagne.
Christine – And I had a bouquet of flowers.
Michael – We figured we must be going to the same place.
Christine – Since I didn’t have the door code…
Michael – Neither did I. I rang a few doorbells at random. You were the first to open.
Christine – Since he seemed to know where he was going, I followed him.
Him – Ah, yes…
Her – Yes, it’s… quite a story.
Him – Very romantic.
Her – You’ll see, it’ll end in a wedding.
Michael and Christine exchange an uncomfortable look.
Michael – So, if I understand correctly, no one here really knows each other.
Her – Apparently not…
Christine – And no one has any business being in this house.
Him – Apparently not…
Michael – So whose house is it?
Silence.
Christine – Would you like more champagne?
Her – Thank you, but it’s getting late. We should probably go.
Him – Anyway, thanks for the hospitality.
Michael – No trouble at all.
He picks up the suitcase and heads towards the door with Her.
Christine – Shall I see you out?
Her – Don’t bother; we know the way.
Michael – Want help with the suitcase?
Him – No… It weighs nothing… It’s empty.
Christine – Well… See you again sometime!
Michael – And thanks for stopping by!
They exit. Michael and Christine sit back down. Silence.
Christine – You all right?
Michael – I’m fine… And you?
Christine – I’m fine… (Pause) Want another drink?
Michael – No, thanks, I’m fine.
Christine – Some peanuts?
He grabs a handful of peanuts and begins chewing.
Christine – It’s nice here, isn’t it?
Michael – Yes… (Pause) But it’s not our place.
Christine – That’s true.
Michael – Is it a house, or a flat?
Christine – A flat, I think.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Dramedies
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Behind Closed Doors est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

He’s there, looking embarrassed. She arrives, ready to leave.
Her – Usually, it’s you waiting for me… You’re not ready yet?
Him – Yes, yes, I… I’m just putting on my jacket.
Her – Your leather jacket…
Him – I had it before I met you… It was a gift from my grandmother… No point in throwing it out now, is there? I mean… She’s gone, anyway.
Her – Your grandmother passed away?
Him – Not my grandmother! The cow! It’s made from cowhide…
Her – Yeah… The cow that was skinned in an abattoir so you could wear its skin…
Him – My next jacket will be made of plant-based leather, I promise. I hear they make lovely imitations now, from pineapple or mushrooms.
He reluctantly puts on his jacket.
Her – So, this is it, the big day?
Him – Yes, it seems so…
Her – I’m finally meeting your parents… I was starting to wonder if you were ashamed of me.
Him – What? No! If anything, it’s the other way around…
Her – The other way around? Why? Are you ashamed of your parents?
Him – No, no, but…
Her – So, what are you afraid of, then?
Him – Nothing, I assure you!
Her – If anything, I should be the one worried. You’re introducing me to your parents… This is official. It’s almost an engagement, isn’t it?
Him – Yes…
Her – Don’t sound too excited!
Him – Listen, there’s something I need to tell you.
Her – You’re scaring me…
Him – It’s about my parents, actually.
Her – Your parents? What about your parents?
Him – It’s not easy to say…
Her – Go on, I can handle it… If it’s important, I’d rather know now. I’ll feel less stupid…
Him – Let’s say this dinner won’t exactly be what you imagined. My parents are… How shall I put it…
Her – They’re deaf-mute. They communicate with sign language.
Him – No…
Her – Blind?
Him – No, not that either.
Her – They’re very short…?
Him – Worse than that… Well, for you, anyway.
Her – I see… They’re right-wing, and you didn’t dare tell me? Is that why you didn’t want me to meet them before now?
Him – No, it’s not that.
Her – Of course, silly me. You told me they were booksellers. You can’t sell books and vote right-wing!
Him – Don’t worry, my parents don’t vote at all.
Her – So what, then?
Him – It’s about… the dinner… Well, food, in general.
Her – Food…?
Him – I haven’t told you the whole truth.
Her – All right… Your parents are Jewish, and they eat kosher. So what? We can be vegan and eat kosher! It’s actually much easier. Mostly, it’s just meat that needs to be kosher, right?
Him – Yes… Well, I don’t really know…
Her – Fruits and vegetables are very ecumenical. I’m sure veganism could end all religious wars. At least at the table, which is a start… While we wait for a solution to the Middle East conflict.
Him – It’s a bit more complicated than that…
Her – What? The Middle East conflict?
Him – No, my parents.
Her – I get it… They’re very traditional. To please them, you let them believe their future daughter-in-law is Jewish. And now you don’t know how to tell them you’re dating a Gentile…
Him – Don’t worry, no one in the family is Jewish.
Her – What makes you think that would bother me? What do you take me for?
Him – No, the issue is that…
Her – Go on. This is getting weird.
Him – My parents aren’t really booksellers.
Her – What do you mean, “not really”? You’re either a bookseller or you’re not. How can you “not really” be a bookseller?
Him – They’re not booksellers at all… and they’re not as vegan as I told you.
Her – What do you mean, “not as”?
Him – They eat vegetables, of course, but…
Her – They’re only vegetarian? Well, that’s not a tragedy, is it? You think I’m that dogmatic? But why did you tell me they were vegan?
Him – I said it because… I knew it was important to you.
Her – I’m with you! You share my values, and that’s enough for me. You don’t choose your family, as they say. Or your in-laws…
Him – I don’t know how to say this…
Her – So, your parents aren’t booksellers. So what? What do they do, then?
Him – They run the butcher’s, just round the corner…
Her (stunned) – The butcher’s…
Him – The horse butcher’s… Between the cobbler and the tobacconist, you know?
Her – This is a joke, isn’t it?
Him – No.
Her – You told me your whole family was vegan except for your grandmother, and now you’re telling me I’m marrying a butcher’s son?
Him – I’m not a butcher! I’m only the butcher’s son…
Her – And when were you planning to tell me? At the wedding? During the reception! Between the donkey sausage and the horse steak?
Him – No! That’s why I’m telling you now…
Her – I’ll remind you, my parents are vegan. And they take it very seriously.
Him – Take it seriously?
Her – If you find it funny, I don’t… So what do we do now?
Him – I’m truly vegan! I mean, I became one after meeting you… That doesn’t change things for us, does it?
Her – It might not mean much to you, but to me, it means a lot…
Him – Are you mad at me?
Her – I need to think about all this, yes. (She hesitates) But I’m not going to do that right now. They invited us, didn’t they? So I’ll go… I’m not the type to run away. We’ll talk about all this later. Shall we go?
Him – The problem is…
Her – Oh, there’s another problem?
Him – I didn’t dare tell them you don’t eat meat.
Her – No, tell me you’re joking…
Him – I’m not sure they’d understand… They’re not young anymore… At their age, there’s no point in upsetting them… It could even kill them, you know. My dad’s heart isn’t great…
Her – You could have found a gentle way to bring it up with them…
Him – Let’s say I couldn’t find the right moment…
Her – Of course…
Him – You can just eat the vegetables… Just say you’re not very hungry… Or that you’re unwell…
Her – You know what? I think you’re the one who’s seriously unwell.
She takes off her coat.
Him – So, you’re not coming…
Her (horrified) – A horse butcher’s?
Him – So you’d rather abandon the butcher’s son, recently converted to veganism… Without you, I might go back, you know…
Her – Are you mocking me now?
Him – Don’t look at me like that, I feel like you’re going to kill me.
Her – I have to admit… I am feeling murderous.
Him – Calm down, please! Remember, you’re vegan… and the sixth commandment is the most sacred of the ten for you.
Her – The sixth…?
Him – Thou shalt not kill!
Her – I’ll strangle you, and confess later.
She moves towards him, threateningly.
Him – Don’t do this, please.
Her – I don’t know what’s holding me back…
Him – So, you actually believed all this?
Her – What?
Him – But come on… Horse butchers haven’t existed in ages! On the corner of our street, between the tobacconist and the cobbler, there’s a bakery! If you did the shopping more often, you’d know…
Her – Your parents aren’t butchers?
Him – My parents are booksellers, they vote left-wing, and they’re vegan. Just as I told you.
Her – You’re crazy! Why would you make up such a story?
Him – To see how much you love me… Now I know. So you’d have refused to marry the butcher’s son?
Her – I don’t know… Probably not. But I’d have ended up killing you, that’s for sure.
Him – So it would have been a tragedy, then? The Capulets the butchers and the Montagues the vegans…
Her – But in the end, it’s just another farce.
Him – Can’t change who we are…
Her – It’s not the end of the world.
Him – Right, shall we go? We’re going to be late.
Her – Let’s go. You didn’t forget the carrot cake…
Him – Don’t worry, darling, it’s already in the car.
Her – By the way, was that a proposal?
Him – Yes…
Her – It’s probably the most surprising one any woman has ever heard.
Him – I am a playwright, after all. I’ve been working on it all week. So, what’s your answer?
Her – I’ll wait until I’ve met your parents before deciding.
They exit.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Dramedies
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article It’s not the end of the world est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

On a coffee table: a coffee pot, two cups, and a newspaper. Peter enters in his dressing gown. He pours himself a cup of coffee and picks up the newspaper to read. Mary, his wife, enters.
Mary – You all right?
Peter – I’m all right.
Mary pours herself a cup and observes Peter.
Mary – You look worried… Something wrong?
Peter – No… Well… I still don’t have any ideas for my new play.
Mary – Don’t worry, it’ll come… It always does, doesn’t it?
Peter – Yes… So far, at least…
Mary – Isn’t there a good story in the paper for inspiration?
He puts the newspaper down.
Peter – The news is getting more depressing by the day… I think I might stop reading it. I’ve already given up on TV and radio…
Mary – True, none of it’s particularly cheerful. On the other hand… that’s why we’ll always need writers like you.
Peter – Oh, really? And what’s a writer like me?
Mary – You know… Someone who makes us laugh… A comedy writer!
Peter – A comedy writer? So that’s how you see me?
Mary – Well, we need writers to create good comedies! Help us forget our worries… Give us a chance to have fun without thinking about anything…
Peter – Not think about anything?
Mary – Sorry… I mean… think about something else.
Peter – I see… So to you, I’m just an entertainer… someone who distracts, who diverts people’s attention from society’s real issues…
Mary – There you go with the big ideas… Entertaining people isn’t something to be ashamed of, is it?
Peter – I don’t know… Maybe it’s worth wanting more.
Mary – Like what?
Peter – To be useful…
Mary – To me, making people smile, helping them find a bit of joy, is very useful. And not everyone has that talent.
Peter – Yeah…
Mary – What?
Peter – I’ve written nearly a hundred comedies.
Mary – And they’ve all been big successes.
Peter – Yes, but I’m starting to run out of ideas. I wonder if I haven’t covered it all.
Mary – You want to stop writing?
Peter – I’m not sure I could do that either… No, I was just wondering if…
Mary – If what?
Peter – What if I tried another genre?
Mary – You mean a novel? I’ve been telling you for years you should try that. Some novels are funny, too…
Peter – Unfortunately, I’m not a novelist, I know that. Theatre’s all I know how to do.
Mary – Well, then, you just need to find a good subject for a comedy.
Peter – And what if I wrote… a different kind of play?
Mary – A different kind of play?
Peter – Something that doesn’t necessarily have to be funny, you see?
Mary – An unfunny comedy?
Peter – No, not a comedy!
Mary – You mean… a dramedy?
Peter – I mean, not a comedy at all!
Mary – You want to write a drama?
Peter – A drama, a tragedy… Call it what you like.
Mary – Right…
Peter – What?
Mary – I don’t know… (Silence) Are you sure you’re all right?
Peter – I’ve run out of ideas for comedies. I want to try something different. It’s not a tragedy!
Mary – OK… (Pause) Would you like some more coffee?
Peter – No, thanks.
Mary – Right, I’ll leave you to think… about your new play.
She exits. He sighs and opens the newspaper again. The phone rings. He answers.
Peter – Yes? Oh, yes… No, no, I was just about to call you, actually… Look, I don’t know yet… No, right now, I’m out of inspiration. Yes, I know, I always said that doesn’t exist. But you know, inspiration’s like God. You say it doesn’t exist until you really need it… And you, how are you? Right… I see… OK… Look, I’ll have to go now… Let’s call each other next week and try to plan a lunch? OK, let’s do that… Cheers, take care.
Mary returns, looking a bit awkward.
Mary – I need to run a few errands; I won’t be long. Are you all right?
Peter – Er… Yes. Things haven’t changed much since just now, but yes, I’m all right.
Mary – All right, I’m off then.
Peter – Right. See you later.
She exits. He resumes reading the newspaper, but barely starts before the doorbell rings. He steps out to answer and returns with a woman.
Alex – I hope I’m not disturbing you?
Peter – No, no, not at all, I was just… Want some coffee?
Alex – Thanks, I’m fine.
Peter – Nice of you to drop by like this unannounced.
Alex – When you live in the same building as your agent, there’s always the risk of them showing up uninvited…
Peter – I might have to move, then…
They share a smile, followed by an awkward silence.
Alex – So, what are you working on?
Peter – Nothing… I was on the phone with… What’s her name again… You know, that actress who was in… She’s become a publisher now.
Alex – A publisher?
Peter – You know how it is. Life’s cruel for actresses. Especially for ingénues. Once they’re over thirty…
Alex – Are you looking for a new publisher?
Peter – Not really… She’s the one who called. Just wanted to check in… It’s starting to worry me. Everyone’s asking if I’m all right today…
Alex – So… are you all right?
Peter – I’m fine, thanks… It’s ridiculous…
Alex – What is?
Peter – I ended the conversation with “Let’s call each other and try to plan a lunch” Just came out of habit. Might as well have actually had lunch at noon today.
Alex – What can you do… We’re all so busy…
Peter – Or we’ve got nothing to do and we pretend we’re busy…
Alex – Yeah…
Peter – Like you, for instance. Particularly busy today? (Silence) No, obviously not, or you wouldn’t be here. Imagine? You agree to lunch on a whim… The next day, everyone in the business will know you’ve nothing to do. That no one wants to work with you anymore. That you’re unemployed. Or worse, blacklisted… And then no one calls, and you’re really totally washed-up.
Alex – Yeah… (Silence) And… is she all right?
Peter – Who?
Alex – Your publisher!
Peter – I don’t know… You’re right… Maybe she’s the one who’s not all right. She called me because she needed someone to talk to. And I practically hung up on her… I should’ve suggested lunch… And you, are you all right?
Alex – I’m fine…
Peter – You’re sure you don’t want any coffee?
Alex – Positive… (Silence) Writing anything at the moment?
Peter – Not really. I think I’ve reached the end of something here. I need to change my style.
Alex – Yeah, I know. I ran into Mary on the stairs.
Peter – Don’t tell me that’s why you stopped by.
Alex – So, you want to write a drama.
Peter – Yes, well… Why not?
Alex – This is a joke, right?
Peter – See, Alex, that’s my problem. The mere idea of me writing something other than a comedy, and people think it’s a joke.
Alex – Let’s just say… it’s not exactly what people expect from you.
Peter – And?
Alex – It might surprise your audience… Maybe even disappoint them…
Peter – Disappoint them? I haven’t even written a line yet, and you’re already saying it’ll be disappointing. Thanks for the encouragement. Nice to know why I have an agent.
Alex – So… do you have a subject in mind?
Peter – No… It’s just an idea…
Alex – Right, so it’s just an idea.
Peter – That’s it…
Alex – Sorry, I might have jumped the gun a bit.
Peter – I don’t know… I was thinking of writing something about those migrants who end up washed ashore on our coasts. Assuming they haven’t drowned along the way, of course…
Alex – A comedy, you mean? (He gives her a disappointed look) Sorry, I don’t know why I said that… So you’re serious, you really want to write something…
Peter – I’m not twenty anymore… Neither are you… Maybe it’s time we started thinking about the world around us, don’t you think?
Alex – The world around us?
Peter – Imagine that after we die, we’re reincarnated. Just like that. By chance. The world is mostly filled with people who have miserable lives. If you can even call it living. When you think about it, apart from a small minority of privileged people, the luckiest of whom live in tax havens, Earth is a hellhole.
Alex – So what?
Peter – So what? Statistically, reincarnation means guaranteed hell… If we don’t change the world in our lifetime, we’re pretty much destined to live in hell when we’re reincarnated!
Alex stares at him, stunned.
Alex – OK…
Peter – I’ll let you think about that. I’m going to get dressed…
He exits. Mary enters.
Mary – Well?
Alex – He’s not doing well.
Mary – I told you.
Alex – He’s losing it. He’s talking about death, heaven, hell.
Mary – No?
Alex – He wants to write a play about refugees.
Mary – Tax exiles?
Alex – Economic refugees!
Mary – You mean… retirees who move to Portugal or Morocco because it’s cheaper there?
Alex – Migrants! In the Mediterranean!
Mary – No way… He told you that?
Alex – I tried talking to him, but he wouldn’t listen.
Mary – Where is he?
Alex – He went to get dressed.
Mary – I don’t understand… This morning, he was completely normal. Well… he was his usual self, anyway…
Alex – It might just be temporary. He’s probably a bit down. But we shouldn’t take it lightly.
Mary – Definitely… I hate to say it, but… I feel like he might have suicidal tendencies.
Alex – We should suggest he sees a doctor.
Mary – A psychiatrist, you mean?
Alex – I don’t know.
Mary – Sometimes a simple vitamin boost does the trick… Maybe a homeopath?
Peter re-enters.
Peter – Ah, you’re still here?
Alex – I’ll leave you two.
Peter – No, I’m not kicking you out.
Alex – I was about to go anyway. I’ve… I’ve got a big day ahead. Let’s call and have lunch together sometime?
She exits. Mary gives Peter an awkward look.
Mary – I just told her you were here and that if she fancied a coffee, she could come up…
Peter – She didn’t want one.
Mary – What?
Peter – Coffee. I offered her some, she didn’t want it.
Silence.
Mary – What are you looking for, Peter, really?
Peter – I don’t know…
Mary – Aren’t we happy, together?
Peter – Yes, of course we are. That’s not the issue.
Mary – You’re seeing someone, aren’t you?
Peter – No, not at all!
Mary – We’ve got the life we wanted, haven’t we? You’re doing what you love. You have no boss. You make a good living.
Peter – I know.
Mary – Then what’s going on?
Peter – None of it makes sense to me anymore. I need… to try something else.
Mary – But why?
Peter – I don’t know… So that, at my funeral, people don’t just say: “Well, he was just a joker.”
Silence.
Mary – Do you want us to move?
Peter – It would be the same anywhere else.
Mary – You’re not going to do something stupid, are you?
Peter – Something stupid? Like what?
Mary tries to hide her unease.
Mary – I’ll leave you to work…
She exits. He stands there, puzzled for a moment. He takes a notebook and a pencil and tries to write, but clearly, inspiration isn’t there. He picks up the phone and dials a number.
Peter – Yes, sorry, it’s me again… Listen, I managed to free myself for tonight. Could you come over for dinner? I’d like to talk to you about a new project… Yes, of course, bring your husband. Eight o’clock is perfect. Great, see you then…
He hangs up. He returns to the notebook and pencil, starting to write feverishly. He pauses and addresses the audience.
Peter – You’ll see. This time, you won’t be laughing.
He resumes writing.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Dramedies
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Fatally Funny est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

If the world’s a stage, the play is often little more than a flop. Its author remains unknown, and the supporting roles are the quickest to be forgotten. Between absurdity and farce, the tragicomedy of life unfolds. What matters is not missing your exit…

Dramedies is a collection of six sketches that each, in their own way, explore the blurred lines between comedy and drama, the boundary between fiction and reality, and self-awareness within social and theatrical roles. These plays often portray characters in search of meaning, confronted with a world—or a setting—that wavers, empties, or turns against them.
Among them are: writers facing a creative block, lovers caught in a web of lies, strangers lost in unfamiliar houses, and fictional detectives undergoing a metaphysical autopsy…
Each sketch offers an unexpected twist, a revelation, or a collapse of the setting—both literally and metaphorically.

List of sketches
1 – Fatally Funny
2 – It’s not the end of the world
3 – Behind Closed Doors
4 – Anonymous Author
5 – Scene Change
6 – Crime Scene

All the texts available on this site can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production. To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: Contact form.

Download the entire collection free of charge (PDF)

L’article Dramedies est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – Our daughter just told me she wants to be an actress.
Two – No way?
One – Yes.
Two – She just said that, out of the blue?
One – Yes.
Two – It wasn’t after an argument? Just to annoy you…
One – No. It was this morning at breakfast. She was eating her cornflakes. She looked at me and said: “Mum, when I grow up, I’m going to be an actress.”
Two – Right… So, it’s serious.
One – She’s only five, but… You know her, she’s quite determined.
Two – Good grief… What did we do to deserve this?
One – I was speechless.
Two – But afterwards, you tried to reason with her, right?
One – Of course. I told her it’s not a real job, that no bank would ever give her a mortgage, she’d never have private health insurance, and she’d get a pittance when she retires…
Two – And what did she say?
One – Nothing… She just went back to eating her cornflakes.
Two – Do you think we should punish her?
One – You know her, it would only make her more determined.
Two – Well, anyway… She’s only five. She’s got time to change her mind.
The other one checks their phone.
One – Look, she just sent me a message.
Two – Maybe to apologise.
One – She’s asking me to sign her up with a casting agency.
Two – No way? A casting agency? She doesn’t even know what that is!
One – Apparently, she does. She sent me a list of agencies, ranked by preference.
The other looks stunned.
Two – We’ve created a monster.
A pause.
One – Then again… The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Two – What do you mean with that ridiculous saying?
One – Well… We’re both actors, aren’t we?
Two – Yes, but… It’s different for us. We didn’t choose it. We couldn’t do anything else.
One – Yeah, but… She sees that we don’t do much all day, we have a big house with a pool, a fancy car, and a maid…
Two – You don’t say “maid” anymore, you know?
One – Oh, really?
Two – It’s not politically correct.
One – So what do you call it now?
Two – A domestic worker, I think.
One – But it’s still a maid, isn’t it?
Two – Of course.
One – Isn’t “domestic worker” more for people who take care of dependent persons?
Two – We can’t do anything around the house… You could say we’re dependent.
One – I think for people like us, it’s more like… housekeeper.
Two – Whatever. Let’s just keep calling her the maid.
One – Anyway, the thing is, when our daughter sees that we’re basically useless, but people ask for our autographs in the street, she figures acting’s not a bad plan.
Two – Not all actors are rich, though. I’m not sure she knows that.
One – You’re right. We should put her in a boarding house with struggling actors to show her what the job really looks like.
Two – Do you know any?
One – What?
Two – Struggling actors.
One – Not personally, but… I could look into it…
Two – Anyway, I’ve got to go. I’m playing golf with a Danish producer who absolutely wants me in his next film.
One – And I’ve got therapy at ten.
Two – I swear… The day’s off to a great start…
One – We’re definitely putting her in boarding school.
Two – Yeah… But we’ll also have to let the housekeeper go.
One – Also?
Two – What?
One – You said, “we’ll also have to let the housekeeper go.” We’re keeping the maid, right?
Two – Yes, we’re keeping the maid, don’t panic.
One – You scared me…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Early calling est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I barely dare tell you.
Two – I’m already starting to panic.
One – We change the clocks tonight.
Two – No way? Are you sure it’s tonight?
One – They said it on the radio.
Two – But wait… do we move the clock forward an hour or back an hour?
One – That’s exactly why I asked you not to panic.
Two – What now?
One – This year, it’s not one hour, it’s two hours.
Two – No way? They’re trying to kill us…
One – Next year, it will be three hours… and so on.
Two – We’ll be having breakfast at sunset…
One – And going to bed when the sun rises.
Two – It’ll be a topsy-turvy world.
One – We’ll be living on Washington or Tokyo time.
Two – Depends whether we move the little hand forward or back.
One – So?
Two – I still don’t know… They say we’ll gain two hours of sleep.
One – Gain two hours of sleep…? What does that even mean?
Two – That we’ll get up later, I guess.
One – I don’t get it. Especially since they always do it on Saturday night, and anyway, on Sunday, we always get up later.
Two – They’re trying to kill us, I’m telling you.
One – Couldn’t they wait until all the old folks are dead before changing the clocks?
Two – It’s not when we’re dead that we’ll get up later, that’s for sure. We won’t get up at all.
One – They’re a pain… Especially since they got rid of the speaking clock.
Two – So what?
One – Well, if the speaking clock still existed, we could call tomorrow morning to find out the time and set our watch.
Two – I liked the speaking clock.
One – Yeah, it was like company.
Two – Sometimes, when I was bored, I’d call the speaking clock. Just to hear its voice.
One – Yeah, with the speaking clock, you were never alone. You always had someone to talk to.
Two – It didn’t talk back, but still… You could hear a voice.
One – At the fourth beep, it will be exactly…
Two – Was it the fourth beep or the third beep?
One – I can’t remember…
Two – On the radio, it’s the fourth beep.
One – Right after the weather forecast.
Two – They’re a pain, with their weather forecast, every half hour.
One – As if we needed to know the weather twice an hour.
Two – Yeah… If they got rid of the weather on the radio, the shows would be half as long.
One – And what do we care about the weather at the other end of the country?
Two – What we want to know is the weather here.
One – And to know the weather here, all you have to do is look out the window.
Two – The weather, you say… We don’t even know what time it is!
One – They’re a pain, I’m telling you.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Time est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I invited the neighbours over for drinks.
Two – No…? You didn’t do that?
One – I don’t know what came over me… We bumped into each other on the stairs. I didn’t know what to say. We started talking about the weather. At some point, I ran out of things to say. I was really embarrassed. And then I heard myself say: “One of these days, you must come over for drinks.”
Two – And what did they say?
One – They answered right away: “Why not Saturday evening?”
Two – Saturday evening?
One – Saturday evening…
Two – And what did you say?
One – I said… alright.
Two – No way?
One – They looked delighted.
Two – But we’ve never invited anyone over for drinks!
One – No.
Two – How are we going to manage?
One – I don’t know.
Two – How do people do it?
One – I have no idea. No one has ever invited us for drinks either.
Two – I think we got invited once, but we said we weren’t available.
One – Yeah… We panicked…
Two – Drinks… I have no idea how we’re going to handle this.
One – First, we need something to drink.
Two – Like what?
One – For drinks… People usually have whisky, I think.
Two – Whisky, you think? And where are we going to find that…?
One – And something to nibble on.
Two – Maybe olives? Once, in a café, I saw people eating olives while drinking whisky.
One – Olives… Black olives or green olives?
Two – You should have asked them which they preferred.
One – I could always call them.
Two – Do you even have their number?
One – I don’t know what came over me. I gave them our number, and they gave me theirs.
Two – You gave them our phone number?
One – A moment of madness…
Two – We’ll get through this, don’t panic.
One – At worst, we can always move out without leaving a forwarding address and change our phone number.
Two – By Saturday?
One – What day is it today?
Two – Friday.
One – That’s going to be tight…
Two – And we just moved in. Last time, we had to move out to avoid the neighbours’ party. And now you’re inviting the new neighbours over for drinks!
One – I know… I’m ashamed…
Two – Look, we’ll get through this together, okay? We’re married, after all. For better or for worse.
One – So we’re not moving out?
Two – Drinks… It can’t be that bad.
One – You think?
Two – No. I was just saying that to make you feel better.
One – I’m going to ask ChatGPT how to host drinks with friends.
Two – With friends?
One – Let’s say with next-door neighbours.
Two – Don’t forget to ask about the olives…
One – The olives…?
Two – Black or green!
One – I’ll also ask for a list of conversation topics.
Two – Good idea. Meanwhile, I’ll look up a moving company and a storage unit.
One – Yes… Just in case we really start to panic…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Drinks est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I just ran into Mr. Martin at the convenience store.
Two – Mr. Martin? But that’s impossible! We buried him last week…
One – That’s why I asked you not to panic. But I have to admit, it was a shock when I saw him.
Two – Are you sure it was him?
One – He waved at me from a distance. But it was definitely him, I swear! I saw him as clearly as I see you now!
Two – Did he say anything?
One – I was so petrified. I didn’t dare go closer.
Two – He couldn’t have come back from the dead.
One – Especially since he was cremated.
Two – Yes… Cremation makes bodily resurrection a lot less likely.
One – Imagine if they had cremated Jesus Christ after the crucifixion.
Two – Rising from the tomb three days later would’ve been a lot less convincing.
One – Can you picture Jesus Christ emerging from his urn…?
Two – Like a genie coming out of a bottle.
One – Yeah, it would have given Christianity a more oriental flair.
Two – I’m not sure the story would have been quite as successful.
One – Anyway, that’s not the point.
Two – So what is the point, exactly?
One – Mr. Martin was cremated, and I just saw him in the frozen food aisle at the convenience store! That’s the point.
Two – It can’t be a miracle. Why would God, if he exists, resurrect Mr. Martin?
One – Yeah, especially since he wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.
Two – You could even say he was a bit of an idiot.
One – And nobody else in the store seemed surprised?
Two – I even heard the cashier say, “Hello, Mr. Martin, how are you today?”
One – In that case, I see only one solution. Mr. Martin isn’t dead.
Two – Not dead? But then… whose funeral did we attend last week?
One – Who knows.
Two – Yet we did receive a death notice, didn’t we?
One – Yes.
Two – Where is that notice?
One – Well… I didn’t keep it. I mean, if I kept every notice I got…
Two – At our age, we are getting more and more of them, aren’t we?
One – Mostly death notices.
Two – So, Mr. Martin isn’t dead.
One – Apparently not.
Two – But then who did die?
One – No idea.
Two – Can you believe it? Someone we know died, we went to their funeral, and we don’t even know who it was.
One – Yes. Someone close enough to us for us to receive a notice.
Two – And since you didn’t keep the notice, there’s no way to find out who it was?
One – That’s really awkward… Imagine bumping into the downstairs neighbour and asking how her husband is doing. Only to realise we attended his funeral a week ago.
Two – And since he was cremated, we can’t even go check the name on the grave.
One – Yeah… I’ve heard of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, but this…
Two – We know the deceased is someone we know, but we have no idea who…
One – Anyway, it’s not Mr. Martin. I definitely saw him at the convenience store.
Two – We’ll just have to make a list of everyone we meet. Eventually, the one we never see again will probably be the one who died.
One – Let’s do that…
Two – We might as well start now. Who else did you see at the convenience store?
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Resurrection est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – As if I were the panicky type.
One – Your shoelace is undone.
Two – Oh my God! That was a close one…
One – Yeah, you could have killed yourself.
Two – I step on it with the other foot, trip, fall onto the tracks, and the train runs me over.
One – Luckily, we’re in our living room, but still…
Two – Basically, you saved my life.
One – “Saved your life” might be a stretch, but… Yeah, you could say that.
Two – No, no, you deserve a medal.
One – Maybe not the Legion of Honour, but…
Two – Some people have gotten it for less.
One – Corrupt politicians, drug lords, paedophile priests…
Two – At least we haven’t hurt anyone.
One – We’re not heroes, but… that’s only because the opportunity never came up.
Two – We just didn’t get lucky, that’s all.
One – We were born in peacetime. What could we possibly resist?
Two – We’ve resisted bad weather.
One – We’ve resisted temptation, sometimes.
Two – You’re right, we are heroes, we just haven’t had the chance to prove it.
One – What we need is a good war. Then the whole world would see who we really are.
A pause.
Two – If I fell into the water, would you dive in to pull me to shore?
One – I can’t swim.
Two – Yeah. Better not, then.
One – And you can swim, right?
Two – Yeah.
One – Imagine… You fall in, I dive in to save you, and you end up dragging me back to shore.
Two – Yeah, that’d be stupid.
A pause.
One – But I did still tell you your shoelace was undone.
Two – Yeah.
One – You should really tie that damn lace. Because if I warn you, and you don’t do anything…
Two – You’re right, I need to. But I can’t bend down.
One – I’d tie it for you, but… I can’t bend down either.
Two – I wonder if it’s already too late for us.
One – Too late?
Two – To become heroes!
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Heroes est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – They just announced it on Facebook. Chinese scientists have finally discovered the ultimate secret of the universe.
Two – The ultimate secret of the universe?
One – You know! Where we come from, where we’re going, why there’s something rather than nothing…
Two – What?
One – The Big Bang, black holes, antimatter…!
Two – And?
One – Well, it turns out, none of that actually exists.
Two – Oh, really…
One – We are fictional characters in a gigantic video game, created by an artificial intelligence to entertain the children of a highly advanced civilisation.
Two – Chinese scientists…?
One – Yes, Chinese.
Two – On Facebook?
One – What difference does it make?
Two – None.
One – And that’s all it does to you?
Two – What?
One – This! Finding out we’re fictional characters in a video game. You don’t seem that surprised.
Two – I always suspected it.
One – You always suspected it?
Two – Yeah, I knew… Didn’t you?
One – No… And if you knew, why didn’t you tell me?
Two – I thought you knew.
One – Well, no, I didn’t.
Two – Well, now you know. So, what’s for dinner?
One – What’s for dinner?
Two – I’m starving. Aren’t you?
One – Doesn’t seem to kill your appetite, anyway.
Two – So? What are we eating?
One – After all that, I don’t feel like cooking. I’ll order Chinese.
Two – Fine…
One – But if we’re fictional characters, how can we even be hungry?
Two – Games are super realistic these days. Characters feel all kinds of stuff.
One – You think so?
Two – Look at prehistoric humans. A few tens of thousands of years ago, it was pretty basic. You were hungry, you killed a mammoth and ate it raw. You wanted company for dinner, you knocked a woman out and dragged her back to your cave by the hair. Now…
One – You get married, call Uber Eats, and order Chinese.
Two – We get updated regularly. As technology evolves, so does the game.
One – I never suspected any of this.
Two – Yet it’s pretty obvious.
One – Yeah…
Two – And how did the Chinese figure it out?
One – They noticed a glitch in the game.
Two – A glitch? What kind of glitch?
One – This one. At some point in the game, the characters realise they’re characters in a video game.
Two – Right. So I’m not the first one to figure it out.
One – No.
Two – And are they going to fix the glitch?
One – We don’t know…
Two – Now… is it really a glitch?
One – What do you mean?
Two – Maybe it’s part of the game.
One – I see… The characters themselves gain a kind of self-awareness and realise they were created by a higher power.
Two – Exactly…
One – And what about God in all this?
Two – Einstein said God does not play dice. He never said He doesn’t play video games.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The Secret of the Universe est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I found a skull in the garden.
Two – A skull? You mean…
One – A human skull, yes.
Two – But how…?
One – I was digging a hole to plant those bamboos we bought at the market. And I came across a skull.
Two – That’s incredible… Are you sure it’s human?
One – There was a mobile phone right next to it.
Two – So it’s not ancient remains. I mean, it’s not a Neanderthal skull. Was it a recent model?
One – The skull?
Two – The phone!
One – Ah… Uh… I don’t know… It’s an iPhone. (Handing the phone) Here, take a look.
The other hesitates before taking the phone.
Two – You picked up the phone?
One – Would you have preferred I brought you the skull?
Two – I don’t know… It’s a crime scene, isn’t it?
One – A crime? You think so?
Two – How could someone end up buried in a garden with their phone if it’s not a crime?
One – Fair point.
Two – And more importantly, how could someone bury a body in our garden without us noticing?
One – We’ve only had the house for two years. It must date back to the previous owner.
Two – Maybe it’s his wife.
One – Why his wife?
Two – It can’t be him, since we saw him at the notary’s office.
One – It’s true we didn’t see his wife that day.
Two – But that doesn’t mean he buried her in the garden…
One – That doesn’t make sense. You don’t bury your wife in the garden and then sell the house. Sooner or later, someone would find out.
Two – Then what?
One – We’d need to date the body. What model of iPhone is it?
Two – There’s a bit of dirt on it, but… It’s the latest model.
One – No way…
Two – That means the body was buried very recently.
One – Damn…
Two – We should call the police.
One – Yeah, but we could get into trouble.
Two – Trouble…?
One – What if they think we did it?
Two – Now that we’ve found the skull, we can’t just act like nothing happened.
One – You think?
Two – Concealing a body. Failure to report a crime. That’s serious.
One – OK… We’ll call the police.
Two – Go ahead.
One – I don’t know what I did with my phone…
The phone found next to the skull starts ringing. They both freeze.
Two – This can’t be happening… It’s a nightmare.
One – Who could it be?
Two – Who knows…
One – The killer, maybe.
Two – What do we do?
One – Well, answer it…
Two – Hello…? Yes… Yes, I’ll put him on… Your mother.
One – Mum… Can I call you back…? OK…
Two – So it’s your phone.
One – It must have fallen out of my pocket when I bent down to look at the skull.
Two – Right. And are you still sure it’s a human skull?
One – Well… That’s what I thought when I saw the phone. But now I’m not so sure.
Two – Let’s go take another look.
One – OK.
Two – I vaguely remember the notary saying he had just buried his dog.
One – I didn’t think much of it at the time, but yeah, I remember now…
Two – He just forgot to mention he buried it in the garden.
One – Yeah.
Two – Still, there’s quite a difference between a dog skull and a human skull. It’s not the same size.
One – It must have been a big dog.
Two – Or maybe… it’s a child’s skull…
One – You think?
Two – The good news is you found your phone.
One – Yeah…
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Skull est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – I just saw a unicorn go by.
Two – Are unicorns dangerous?
One – Not that I know of.
Two – Then there’s no reason to panic.
One – Yeah… Besides, it looked pretty skittish. It bolted as soon as it saw me.
Two – Maybe it had never seen a human before. The first time must be quite a shock.
One – Right. Imagine being told your whole life that humans don’t exist… and then suddenly seeing one.
Two – It must have freaked out.
One – Still… What was that unicorn doing here? Humans and unicorns aren’t supposed to meet, are they?
Two – No, it’s weird.
One – Yeah…
Two – Yesterday, at the beach, I saw a mermaid.
One – A mermaid?
Two – Not on the beach, lying on a towel… In the water!
One – How did you know it was a mermaid if it was in the water?
Two – I was scuba diving. I was chasing a squid, and suddenly, I came face to face with a mermaid.
One – She must have been surprised.
Two – Yes. Just like your unicorn.
One – And what did she say to you?
Two – Nothing. She looked at me with wide eyes and then swam away calmly.
One – That’s crazy.
Two – Yeah. These kinds of encounters are getting more common, aren’t they?
One – Must be climate change.
Two – Yesterday, in a bar, a guy told me he saw a dragon.
One – A dragon?
Two – I’m not sure if it’s true.
One – But a fire-breathing dragon?
Two – I didn’t think to ask.
One – Honestly, what kind of world are we living in?
Two – Yeah… You know, if a centaur or a harpy walked by right now, I don’t think I’d even flinch.
One – Harpies are still less rare than mermaids, aren’t they?
A pause.
Two – So, how was your trip to Rome?
One – Great. I even saw the Pope.
Two – You met the Pope?
One – No, he didn’t grant me a private audience. I saw him passing through the crowd on Saint Peter’s Square.
Two – That’s something… And what did he look like?
One – In a robe, with a skullcap on his head and a tube in his nose. In a sort of golf cart.
Two – Ah, yes.
One – I was incredibly lucky to visit the Vatican that day. The next day, he was dead.
Two – Oh yeah, quite the timing.
One – Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay for the funeral. With low-cost flights, the tickets can’t be changed.
Two – Miracles don’t happen that often.
One – Yeah… (A pause) Look, the unicorn just went by again…
Two – Maybe it’s starting to get used to us.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Chimeras est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – There’s a metre of water in the hold.
Two – You told me earlier there was barely ten centimetres.
One – Yes. But now the water’s up to my knee.
Two – Oh my God! Does that mean we’re sinking?
One – That’s why I told you not to panic.
A pause.
Two – I mean, we’re only on a small canal. It’s not exactly the Titanic.
One – No.
Two – Worst case, we’ll just look like fools.
One – Yeah… There are already quite a few people watching us.
Two – Go back and check the hold.
One – OK.
The first one disappears. The second one smiles, trying to stay calm. The first returns.
Two – Well?
One – Now it’s up to my neck.
Two – Yes, I can feel we’re sinking… (A pause) The deck is already underwater.
One – It’s too late to head back to shore.
Two – So what do we do?
One – There are more and more people watching…
Two – Let’s at least try to keep our dignity.
One – You’re right.
Two – Smile!
One – I’m doing my best here.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article Shipwreck est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – Donald Trump has just been elected President of the United States.
Two – Donald Trump? But I thought…
One – Donald Trump Junior.
Two – Right… So, here we go again.
One – I’ve always wondered why fools are so successful in politics. To the point of founding dynasties…
Two – The problem with fools is that most voters see themselves in them.
One – And fools have short memories.
Two – It’s true that Hitler didn’t leave a good impression, yet there are still Nazis today.
One – Trump Senior didn’t leave a great impression either. His son promised he’d learned from the past, but still…
Two – Dictators are like ayatollahs or popes: even when they call themselves progressive, there’s still plenty of room for progress.
One – Which probably explains why, throughout history, religions have always gotten along so well with dictatorships.
Two – When it’s not the religious leaders themselves who seize power to establish a theocracy.
One – Like in Iran or the Vatican.
Two – The Vatican is a theocracy?
One – Well… I think so, right?
Two – What else could the Vatican be, if not a theocracy?
One – I don’t know… A tax haven?
Two – Yeah. Actually, it already is one, isn’t it?
One – You think?
Two – Nobody pays taxes in the Vatican, do they?
One – So where does all that money come from?
Two – They’ve got a massive real estate portfolio around the world, and the Vatican Bank holds loads of financial assets.
One – I’m telling you, it’s a tax haven. They’re swimming in money, and poor people from all over the world still send them donations.
Two – You’re right… They’ve hit the jackpot. All they’re missing is a casino, a football club, and a golf course.
One – As for golf, the Pope already has the little cart.
Two – It’s true, a golf course or a football pitch in Saint Peter’s Square would be quite something…
One – In the past, the Church used to sell indulgences so the rich could go straight to Heaven despite their sins. Now the Pope could sell passports to his tax haven.
Two – Like the Prince of Monaco.
One – If I were the Prince of Monaco, I’d start a religion too. He already has the casino and the football club.
Two – And poor people from around the world would send him their savings.
One – That said, I’d rather be in the Prince of Monaco’s shoes than the Pope’s.
Two – Oh yeah…?
One – I’d rather marry Grace Kelly than spend my life in a dress.
A pause.
Two – Still, Donald Trump Junior… It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?
One – You know, in America, they already had Bush the son after Bush the father.
Two – In the name of the Father, the Son, and why not the Grandson. Might as well crown the King of Fools and bring back hereditary monarchy.
One – Yes… People are really taken for fools.
Two – But then again, aren’t people actually fools?
One – Anyway, that wouldn’t happen here.
Two – True. We’re not big fans of hereditary power.
One – Unfortunately, in politics, foolishness isn’t always passed down directly.
Two – Which is why, in the end, despite everything, we always end up ruled by the King of Fools.
Blackout.

All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.

To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.

A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)

Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net

L’article The King of Fools est apparu en premier sur La Sketchothèque.

One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – Honestly, I can’t promise you that.
One – I just found out that the neighbour is a voyeur.
Two – Which neighbour?
One – The one across the street, there!
Two – I can’t see anything.
One – The window, over there.
Two – That’s at least a hundred metres away. How can you tell he’s watching us?
One – With a telescope.
Two – The neighbour is watching us with a telescope?
One – No, not the neighbour, me! I used a telescope. Otherwise, how do you expect me to see that he’s watching us from here?
Two – So you spied on the neighbour with a telescope to find out that he was spying on us.
One – Yeah.
Two – And how does he manage to see us from that far away?
One – With binoculars.
Two – Right… So you’re watching a voyeur with a telescope who’s watching you with binoculars.
One – Otherwise, how else could I tell he was spying on us?
Two – Let me get this straight. The first time you looked at him with the telescope, was he already watching you with the binoculars, or did that come after?
One – After, I think.
Two – Right…
One – I see what you’re getting at…
Two – Maybe when he saw the reflection from your telescope, he thought he was being watched. And since he couldn’t see anything, he went to get his binoculars.
One – In that case, I would be the voyeur.
Two – That’s a real possibility…
One – Or maybe we’re both voyeurs.
Two – Now… a voyeur watching another voyeur… Is that still voyeurism?
One – I need to stop using that telescope.
Two – Sounds like a good idea.
One – On the other hand… I won’t know if he keeps watching us.
Blackout.