A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Dark. As if the show is about to begin. But nothing happens, long enough for the audience to start feeling uneasy. A light comes up in a corner, where two spectators, a man and a woman, strangers, are sitting side by side. The man glances nervously at a cinema/theatre guide, then at his watch. The woman is picking popcorn from a giant bag, noisily stuffing handfuls into her mouth.
Him – Sorry… Do you know what’s going on?
Her – I guess we’re waiting for the actors…
Him – Until now, only the audience showed up late. If the actors start doing the same…
Silence.
Her (worried) – Can I see your guide? Just in case the play’s been cancelled…
He hands it to her, but she doesn’t know how to take it with her popcorn still in hand.
Her (holding out the popcorn) – Want some?
He has no choice but to take the bag. She looks at the guide but seems a bit lost. He eats some popcorn with clear distaste.
Her – Sorry, I’m used to Time Out. I can’t find anything in this.
Him – And I don’t like popcorn…
She hands back the guide and takes her popcorn again.
Her – Anyway, it’s too late for a film now. We might as well wait.
Him – I hope it’s worth it…
Her (worried) – Bad reviews?
Him (glancing at the audience) – Not many people here…
Her – Reviews don’t mean much… Sometimes, critics rave about a show that drags on for hours, and no one dares say they’re bored for fear of sounding stupid. Then afterwards they say: “It was so deep, you just didn’t get it.”
Him – Comedy’s a different story. If nobody laughs during the show, they won’t say afterwards: “Only a critic could see how hilarious it was.”
Her – Are you a critic?
Him (surprised) – Not you?
Her – Actress.
Him – Of course…
Her – These days, only actors and critics go to the theatre. One in two audience members is an actor. It’s hard to tell where the stage ends.
Him – You know the play?
Her – Oh, no. But a friend of mine is in it. I came to support her.
Him – Is she famous?
Her – Mostly theatre…
Him – So… (suspicious) You really are an actress?
Her (slightly hurt) – You don’t think I’m convincing?
Him – Oh no… You’re very good.
Her – Actress by night… museum attendant by day.
Him – Considering how modern theatre’s become, it’s more or less the same job, isn’t it?Silence.
Her – I’m out of popcorn.
Him – We might die before the show even starts.
Her – Yes… it’s like they’ve forgotten us.
Him – Years from now, a cleaner will find our skeletons, side by side, hand in hand.
Her – Hand in hand…?
Him – I think when the end comes, we’ll grow more affectionate. Like two shipwreck survivors on a desert island. No real choice.
Her – Do you think they’ll give us a refund?
Him (shocked) – Don’t tell me you paid for this…
Her – Of course not.
Him – Then…
They get up to leave.
Him – We can always come back another time.
Her – If it’s still running. Which I doubt.
Him – We could try another show.
Her – Is that an invitation?
Him (showing an invitation) – For two.
Her – I just hope this one starts on time. What’s it called?
Him (reading) – Him and Her.
Her – Sounds boring too…
Him – I’d better switch my phone back on.
Her – Oh, I forgot to turn mine off…
Black
All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.
To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.
A sketch from the collection Him and Her
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net