A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
In one corner, a champagne bucket with a bottle and two flutes. Eve waits, showing signs of impatience. The doorbell rings.
Ethan (off) – Eve? It’s me… Are you there? (Ethan enters from outside, carrying a briefcase. He moves to give his wife a kiss, but she pulls away.) Sorry… An urgent client meeting…
Eve – A man or a woman?
He decides not to respond.
Ethan – Is something wrong?
Eve – Oh no, everything’s fine… Just our wedding anniversary, and my husband forgot. Other than that, I’m great.
Ethan turns and notices the champagne bottle.
Ethan – Oh, crap…
Eve – Thanks… At least you’re not pretending.
Ethan – I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant…
Eve – Last year, you came home at ten. But at least you had a bouquet of flowers.
Ethan – I passed by the florist; it was already closed.
Eve – You forgot our wedding anniversary…
Ethan – I didn’t forget! I thought about it all day… It just slipped my mind for a second, that’s all.
Eve – Of course…
He sets down his briefcase and removes his jacket.
Ethan – I had a hellish day, seriously… A client rescheduled a meeting at the last minute. That American I told you about, remember?
Eve – On a day like this, you could’ve asked someone else to cover for you.
Ethan – I was the only one in the office! And it’s an important account…
Eve – You could have called me…
Ethan – I lost my phone. Honestly, I don’t know what happened to it…
Eve – You always have an answer for everything, don’t you?
Ethan – I’m telling you the truth, nothing else.
Eve – Listen, Ethan, we’ve been married ten years, and we’re living in a show apartment…
Ethan – It’s temporary…
Eve – That’s the problem… We’ve been stuck in “temporary” for ten years.
Ethan – This apartment is fine. And we’re not bothered by neighbours…
Eve – That’s because there aren’t any. We’re the only ones living on the top floor of an unfinished tower block.
Ethan – At least the lift works…
Eve – Every morning before leaving for work, we have to hide all our personal belongings. We can’t leave anything lying around, so we don’t disturb the visitors coming through all day.
Ethan – We’re both out during the day anyway…
Eve – Even my mum’s photo has to go in a drawer! Heaven forbid it scares off potential buyers…
Ethan – But we don’t pay rent…
Eve – Even that’s too expensive for me, Ethan.
Ethan – We’ve got a terrace! (Gestures towards the audience.) Just look at that view! (Seeing she’s unimpressed.) Anyway, something smells amazing… What have you cooked for us?
Eve – You’re too late, Ethan. The champagne’s warm, and the turkey’s cold.
Ethan – Come on, I’m here now! (He grabs his briefcase.) Let me just put this away, and we’ll have a lovely evening, alright?
He exits. She picks up the bottle from the bucket, then drops it back in. She looks toward the audience, her attention caught by something. She takes out a pair of opera glasses to get a better look. Ethan’s phone starts ringing in his jacket pocket. She sets the glasses down, hesitates, then retrieves the phone and answers it.
Eve – Hello…? Yes… No, it’s his wife. Alright. Oh, really? No, no… Very well, I’ll let him know… (She ends the call but, intrigued, checks the phone’s messages.) Unbelievable… That bastard…
Ethan returns.
Ethan – Ten years already… Can you believe it? Feels like yesterday…
Eve – I thought you said you lost your phone…
Ethan – I did… or at least I thought I did…
Eve – Do you think I’m stupid?
Ethan – Why are you saying that?
Eve – Your phone just rang. It was in your jacket pocket.
Ethan – What? No way…
Eve – I answered. It was your secretary…
Ethan – Oh, right… What did she want?
Eve – She’s been trying to reach you all day. Funny thing—she said she was at the office all afternoon and didn’t see you there.
Ethan – I never said I met my American client at the office. He asked me to meet him at…
Eve – Don’t bother. Your secretary called to say your meeting with the American was cancelled. He had a stroke last night…
Ethan – You didn’t let me finish… He asked me to meet him this afternoon at the hospital.
Eve – Strange, because she said he died this morning.
Ethan – Listen, let me explain…
Eve – You’re having an affair. And you waited until our wedding anniversary to tell me.
Ethan – Not at all, I…
Eve – And I was about to tell you I’m pregnant!
Ethan – What? You’re pregnant? That’s amazing!
Eve – I’m leaving you, Ethan.
Ethan – It’s not what you think, I swear…
Eve – Oh, really? And what about those texts I saw on your phone?
Ethan – Texts…
Eve – Yes, the ones you didn’t delete in time… “I want you. Meet me where you know.” Pretty clear, isn’t it?
He looks rattled but collects himself.
Ethan – It’s a code.
Eve – Excuse me?
Ethan – It’s true. I’ve been lying to you for years, Eve. I admit it.
Eve – Finally…
Ethan – I lead a double life, yes. But I’ve never cheated on you… with a woman.
Eve – Don’t tell me, after all these years, you’re gay.
Ethan – No, don’t worry. It’s not what you think. The truth is…
Eve – Yes?
Ethan – This isn’t easy to say…
Eve – Let me help you. I’m a bastard?
Ethan – I’m a secret agent.
Eve – A secret agent?
Ethan – Well, secret… until today.
Eve – You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?
Ethan – Not at all.
Eve – A secret agent? A spy? That’s the best you’ve got?
Ethan – I wasn’t allowed to tell you, obviously. Or anyone. But now… since our marriage is at stake, I had to tell you.
Eve – Alright… And who do you work for? The CIA? Your American was your boss, and the KGB eliminated him, disguising his assassination as a stroke, am I right?
Ethan – I work… for the Mossad.
Eve – The Mossad?
Ethan – Yes… The Israeli secret service, if you prefer…
Eve – You’re not even Jewish!
Ethan – In a way, yes…
Eve – If you were Jewish, don’t you think I’d know by now? I’m your wife!
Ethan – Appearances can be deceiving, Eve… It’s a bit more complicated than that. It’s… my maternal grandmother, you see…
Eve – That’s pathetic. You need help, Ethan. Serious help. You’re delusional.
Ethan – I swear, Eve. Please believe me.
Eve – You’re a compulsive liar, Ethan. Years of lies about everything and nothing. And now you’re telling me you’re an Israeli spy when you’re not even circumcised? And now you expect me to believe this?
Ethan – This time, I’m not lying, I promise.
Eve – This time? You’ve disappointed me, Ethan. Deeply. I never thought you took me for such a fool.
Ethan – You remember our honeymoon in Eilat, on the Red Sea, when I spent an hour in the customs office at the airport?
Eve – Because you didn’t recognise your own suitcase, which had been going round the carousel for an hour, and they called in the bomb squad to blow it up?
Ethan – That’s when they approached me to join them.
Eve – Them? Who’s them?
Ethan – The Mossad!
Eve (holding up the phone) – “I want you. Meet me where you know.” Let me guess—that was your imaginary Mossad contact?
Ethan – It’s a code, I swear. For a meeting.
Eve – A meeting. Yes, I got that part.
Ethan – It’s to avoid suspicion. In case the messages are intercepted. “I want you” means I need to see you. “Where you know” means…
Eve – Where you know.
Ethan – Exactly.
Eve – That won’t cut it this time, Ethan.
Ethan – What more do you want?
Eve – Proof, for starters.
Ethan – I don’t have any, alright?
Eve – Of course.
Ethan – This isn’t a regular job! Everything’s done without leaving a trace. You understand?
Eve – But you don’t work for free, do you? Spies must make a decent living. And yet you’ve got me living in a show apartment?
Ethan – The money’s in a numbered account. I’ll only have access to it once I retire.
Eve seems utterly lost.
Eve – And you expect me to buy that?
Ethan – Yes, Eve… For us… For our child. I beg you to believe me… Because it’s the truth!
She hesitates.
Eve – I don’t know what to say, Ethan. I’m tired. I’m going to bed…
Ethan – You’re right. I understand you need time to process this. But for now, don’t tell anyone—not even your mother. This has to stay between us, otherwise…
She flips him off and exits. He notices the opera glasses she left on the table. Surprised, he picks them up and starts inspecting something towards the audience. At first out of curiosity, then with growing intensity.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Ethan and Eve
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