A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One character (man or woman) is there, seemingly waiting. Another (man or woman) arrives.
Two – Excuse me, is this the stop for the 118?
One – Yes.
Two – Only… with all the roadworks…
One – No worries, it’s definitely here. I missed the last one by two seconds. But yes, it stopped right here. Don’t worry.
Two – Thanks.
One – You’re welcome.
The second person looks the first with curiosity.
Two – Sorry, but… I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before.
One – Yes, I get that a lot…
Two – No? Wait — I do recognise you…!
One – Oh, really…?
Two – It’s you!
One – Me?
Two – That bastard who murdered that poor kid by throwing him off the Ferris wheel! It was you!
One – Um, yes… That was in a TV drama. On Channel 4.
Two – Channel 4, that’s it!
They continue to stare insistently.
One – Would you like an autograph?
Two – An autograph? Are you mad, you lunatic!
One – No, I mean — it was just a role. On television. I’ve never actually killed anyone, I promise.
Two – Oh, right… And that poor child?
One – I assure you, no children were harmed during the shoot.
Two – He fell thirty metres and crashed down between the candyfloss stand and the chip van!
One – It was a dummy, I swear! In the end, the kid’s parents collected his fee and took him home to do his homework.
Two – Of course… But just before that, I saw you on Channel 5 in a Nazi uniform torturing a poor woman to get her to reveal where the resistance fighters were hiding.
One – Ah yes, that’s true… What can I say? Apparently, I’ve got the face of a killer.
Two – You really do. I honestly don’t know what’s stopping me from…
They step forward, menacingly.
One – Oi, have you lost it? You do know the war’s over, right? The only Nazis left these days don’t wear uniforms.
Two – Yeah, yeah… You’re going to tell me you vote Labour next.
One – And why not?
Two – Attacking women and children… Don’t you have any shame?
They step forward again.
One – It’s fiction! Honestly, I’m a pretty decent guy in real life… (faces them) Though I wouldn’t push myself too far.
The other backs off, cautiously.
Two – What are you going to do, kill me too?
One – I told you — I’ve never killed anyone! Not yet, anyway…
Two – Still… you do look the part.
One – Look the part… That doesn’t mean anything! Look at you. You’ve got a proper idiot’s face, and yet…
Two – And yet…?
One – OK, bad example… But plenty of geniuses looked like proper idiots.
Two – Like who?
One – Well, not off the top of my head… but I’m sure there are loads.
Two – Yeah…
One – Have you ever thought about acting?
Two – Acting?
One – Or theatre, maybe. I promise, with a face like yours… You could go far.
Two – What’s wrong with my face?
One – Let’s just say it’s… very expressive.
Two – Oh, really…?
One – Absolutely! (hands them a business card) Here — that’s the number of the most in-demand casting director in the city right now. He’s always on the lookout for fresh faces…
Two – And you think my face would interest him?
One – I’m certain of it! Right now he’s looking for someone for Dinner for Schmucks, do you know the play?
Two – No.
One – You should audition. Seriously.
Two – Right…
One – Tell them I sent you.
Two – That’s kind of you, thanks. And to think I took you for a complete bastard…
One – You see? Just goes to show — appearances can be deceiving.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net