A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
The landlord stands behind the counter as the customer (male or female) arrives.
Landlord – Sir, what can I get you?
The other – Don’t you recognize me?
Landlord – We see so many people… What can I get you?
The other – Definitely not a Oxo…
Landlord – No…? I didn’t recognize you. Well… it seems that Oxo did you some good after all. You look twenty years younger.
The other – Yes… Oxo. And also the brand new heart I had transplanted a few months ago.
Landlord – You finally found a donor?
The other – You were right, this street is really dangerous…
Landlord – Well, it’s on the house. What can I get you?
The other – A lemonade…
Landlord – You’re not allowed alcohol anymore…
The other – Yes, but I decided to give it up. A sacrifice I’m making… to thank fate.
Landlord – Fate?
The other – Someone died so that I could live. I must take care of their heart.
Landlord – But you don’t even know who it was…
The other – No… and I’m not sure I want to know. But hey, maybe they were a Muslim. All the more reason to stop drinking alcohol.
Landlord – So, you don’t eat ham anymore either?
The other – I’ve become vegan, it’s even simpler. And how about you? How are you doing?
Landlord – My wife just left me.
The other – Is she dead? Please don’t tell me it’s her heart beating in my chest…
Landlord – I wish that were the case. It would cost me less. Being a widower, you’re twice as rich. Being divorced, you’re twice as poor.
The other –That’s four good reasons to prefer widowhood…
Landlord – I might have to sell the café to give her share.
The other – I’m sorry…
Landlord – In the end, it’s probably better this way. Selling alcohol and tobacco… Tobacco already cost me a lung.
The other – So what are you going to do?
Landlord – I don’t know…
The other – You should try acting.
Landlord – Acting?
The other – Has no one ever told you that you look like an actor?
Landlord – No… Well, to stay behind a counter all day and deliver lines to all sorts of customers, you already have to be a bit of an actor…
The other – That’s true… I myself often go to cafés to write.
Landlord – What do you write?
The other – Plays, mostly.
Landlord – I’ve heard so many stories. There’s enough material for comedies, dramas, tragedies…
The other – You’ll have to tell me some of those stories.
A moment of silence.
Landlord – Is there still something bothering you?
The other – There were two of us waiting for a transplant. There was only one donor available. I learned that the other person died a few days after my surgery…
Landlord – Oh, I see…
The other – It seems I had a better medical profile.
Landlord – As you say… It’s fate.
The other – Yes… Maybe they were a good person.
Landlord – Or maybe a scoundrel… Who knows…
The other gets up to leave.
The other – Thanks for the lemonade… Here, take my card. I’m looking for someone like you for a small role in my next play. A landlord. It’ll be your debut on stage…
He leaves. The landlord looks at the card.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Open Hearts
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net