A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One – What are you reading?
Two – I’m not reading, it’s… it’s a method…
One – A method…
Two – A language-learning method…
One – I didn’t know there were methods for learning how to use your tongue…
Two – For learning languages! Foreign languages…
One – Ah, right… Is it for your next holiday, then? Spanish? Italian?
Two – Russian.
One – Russian…? Is that a joke?
Two – No.
One – Do you want to go on holiday to Russia?
Two – No.
One – Then why do you want to learn Russian?
Two – Why not? Russia’s a big country, isn’t it? And Russian literature is no small thing.
One – You can always read Tolstoy in translation…
Two – Yes, but it’s not the same… and besides, Russian can always come in handy.
One – Come in handy? For what?
Two – I don’t know… If one day they invaded us…
One – Right… So you’re already learning the language of the occupier.
Two – At least I’d understand what they’re saying.
One – And you’re not afraid of having your head shaved at the Liberation? You know… like in Paris.
Two – At worst, I could read War and Peace in the original…
One – Have you read it in translation already?
Two – No…
One – Do you really think the Russians could get this far?
Two – The Germans did march down the Champs-Élysées.
One – That was still closer. They only had the Rhine to cross.
Two – Napoleon did invade Russia.
One – And that didn’t work out too well for him. The Berezina is narrower than the Rhine, but it’s a lot further away… And why is there a bear on the cover of your book?
Two – It’s the symbol of Russia… strong and unpredictable. I say it’s better to be ready for any eventuality. You should start too.
One – It’s not for tomorrow, is it?
Two – No, but you don’t learn Russian in a week…
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Of Animals and Men
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net