A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A woman is drinking a glass of champagne when there’s a knock on the door.
Two (off) – It’s the police!
The woman goes to open the door.
One – Come in, please. I was expecting you.
The second woman enters.
One – Are you alone?
Two – Well, my colleague had something to deal with. We’re understaffed, you know…
One – Nothing serious, I hope?
Two – No… A dealer who got attacked by his pitbull.
One – Is he dead?
Two – The pitbull? Just kidding, don’t worry… But the dog did bite off his arm. And the dog wouldn’t let go. We had to sedate him…
One – The dealer? I’m kidding…
They both laugh.
Two – Anyway, he’s downstairs in the police van… I hope he won’t wake up too soon…
A pause.
Two – So… where is it?
One (nodding towards a room) – Over there, in the bedroom.
Two – Well, I’ll go take a look, if you don’t mind…?
The policewoman disappears for a moment from the opposite side she entered.
Two – Ah, yes…
She immediately returns.
Two – And… if I may ask, how did you do it? I mean, looking at you like this… But you don’t have to answer, of course.
One – With an electric knife. Battery-operated…
Two (impressed) – And you were planning to… carry the body parts. Put them in a garbage bag, perhaps?
One – I wouldn’t have called you…
Two – Fair enough.
One – A glass of champagne?
Two – Well, why not!
She pours her a glass.
One – Thank you. Cheers then.
They drink in silence.
One – Aren’t you going to handcuff me?
Two – You only had one husband?
One – Yes.
Two – Then I guess you won’t be doing it again anytime soon
They exchange smiles.
Two – It’s quite chilled… Sorry, but… how come only two pieces? Were the batteries running low…?
One – My husband couldn’t choose between me and his mistress. I opted for a fair share.
Two – Men, they’re all the same…
One – Are you married?
Two – Widowed.
One – I’m sorry…
Two – No, it’s okay…
One – Don’t tell me you too…
Two – Oh no… I could never have joined the police… They are a bit less strict on recruitment now, but well, having a criminal record is never a good thing… No, my husband died stupidly. From some virus…
One (sympathetic) – I see… COVID, maybe…
Two – Not even that! Just a silly flu, I’m telling you… One day he came home with a slight fever. I gave him a hot toddy and sent him to bed. The next day, he was dead.
One (jokingly) – If I catch a cold, I won’t come to you for treatment…
They laugh heartily.
One – More champagne?
Two – You understand why I’m not putting handcuffs on you…
She refills her glass with a smile.
Two – And do you know her?
One – Who?
Two – His mistress!
One – Not personally. I just know she works in the police.
Two – No way! A colleague! Oh, you know, there are bitches everywhere. Even in the police force…
One – Can I ask you something?
Two – Go ahead…
One – Do you believe in coincidences?
Two – You know, in my line of work…
One – Then believe me, it’s not by coincidence that you’re here.
Two – Alexander?
One– That’s my husband.
Two – He told me he was widowed too!
One – Just goes to show anyone can be mistaken.
Two – My goodness… I didn’t even recognize him, to be honest. But you’ve done a good job with him… So, you must be angry with me, right?
One – He lied to you too…
Two – What a jerk… So, what do we do now?
One – As I said, we’ll share. Do you prefer the upper… or the lower pieces?
Two – Well, it’s not that simple… I have to write a report. I’ll be hard to pass this off as a domestic accident…
One – A suicide?
Two – A guy committing hara-kiri with a battery-powered knife…?
One – In that case, we need to get rid of the body. Any ideas?
Two – The pitbull?
One – Those are still some pretty big pieces…
Two – It’s a big pitbull.
One – Looks like I’ll need to buy more batteries
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Stories to die for
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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