A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Magda is sweeping the floor. Edward arrives in a three-piece suit.
Edward – Oh, Magda… Just the person I was looking for…
Magda stops sweeping.
Magda – Sir?
Edward – How long have you been sweeping for us, Magda?
Magda – I don’t know, Sir. I don’t keep track. Are you unsatisfied with my work?
Edward – Quite the contrary, I wanted to congratulate you. Are you familiar with our bank’s motto?
Magda – We sweep it all under the carpet?
Edward – That’s right! Excellent, Magda! And thanks to you, the carpets of the Union Credit are always spotless. And you could say bank’s carpets are a reflection of the bank’s reputation. If the carpets aren’t spotless, clients might start to think that…
Magda – The banker might be dirty as well…
Edward – Exactly! You get it, Magda.
Magda – May I get back to work, Sir?
Edward – Not just quite yet, Magda…
Magda – Alright…
Edward clears his throat.
Edward – As you know, Magda… my dear Magda… I would even say, my very dear Magda… we are living in trying times.
Magda – Are we, Sir?
Edward – We are in a financial crisis, Magda! Even if you don’t read the financial press every day you must have heard about it? Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, you’re Russian, aren’t you, Magda?
Magda – Polish, Sir…
Edward – That’s even better! I mean, worse… Poland is in an even more catastrophic financial situation. Don’t tell me you hadn’t heard?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – Anyway, we’re in a recession, and the financial sector is the first affected by the global loss of values…
Magda – Values…
Edward – I’m talking about stock and bond values, of course, but believe me, Magda, it’s a very small step from economic depression to plain old depression. When the stock market is slow, so is morale. And when morale is low, moral crisis comes knocking.
Magda – Yes, Sir…
Edward – Take yourself for example, Magda, don’t tell me you’re not a little depressed?
Magda – I’m doing fine, Sir, thank you for asking…
Edward – Don’t take this the wrong way, Magda, but your appearance, the way you’re standing there, with your broom… You don’t exactly scream joie de vivre!
Magda – I might be a little tired at the moment… Endlessly sweeping things under the carpet…
Edward – Never mind, my point is, Magda, that our bank is, of course, also affected by all those financial troubles… and we need to cut costs. You understand that, don’t you?
Magda – Yes, Sir…
Edward – With nothing but your wellbeing in mind, the Union Credit has had to take a series of drastic, yet painful, measures in order to maintain your position. A position whose continued existence was, I am now free to reveal, gravely threatened.
Magda – Thank you, Sir…
Edward – I therefore have the pleasure to let you know that you are still employed.
Magda – I’m working off the books, Sir…
Edward – Regardless, you’ll still be able to continue sweeping our floors for the foreseeable future. And who knows? Maybe one day I’ll let you sweep under the carpet in the Director’s office.
Magda – I live in hope, Sir…
Edward – Obviously, the Union Credit expects you to meet us halfway in our efforts to maintain the number of jobs in this country. As you know, unemployment leads to the loss of spending power, no spending power leads to a loss of consumer confidence, and without consumer confidence there’s no jobs… and the vicious circle of stagflation is closed. Are you following me?
Magda – I’m trying, Sir…
Edward – I realise this is going way over your head, of course, my poor Magda, but you can trust me… Here, I’ll make it simple for you… In exchange for you keeping your job, the Union Credit is also giving you a salary reduction of thirty per cent. I think you’ll find this offer more than fair.
Magda – Thirty per cent?
Edward – It’s a little less than a third.
Magda – A third less?
Edward – Well yes, not a third more, obviously. In these trying times even cleaning jobs are few and far between, Magda. Soon you’ll need a Master’s Degree just to apply for a job sweeping floors, even off the books! And then you’ll be competing against those who benefit from nepotism or a quick chat on the casting couch… Do you have a Master’s Degree, Magda?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – I imagine you don’t have anyone you can rely on for some good old nepotism?
Magda – No, Sir…
Edward – As for the casting couch, my dear Magda, no offence but the odds aren’t in your favour… But what can you do…? People can’t help the way they look… It’s the great lottery of life… Even the Union Credit can’t change that… Some people are born in Switzerland with double-barrelled names and attractive physiques, while others… Anyway, you’ll agree that our offer is very generous… What do you think?
Magda – What do I think, Sir?
Edward – Yes Magda… It isn’t necessary that you have an opinion on this matter, but I will still listen to you nonetheless. We are still a democracy, if nothing else…
Magda actually seems to be thinking about it.
Magda – What do I think…
Edward – You must be thinking something…
Magda – What I think…? (Magda raises her broom to strike Edward). I’ll show you what I think, Sir!
Edward – Magda? Have you lost your mind?
Magda chases Edward with her broom backstage into the wings.
Edward – Magda, please, calm down! This is just a first offer! The bank is also a big supporter of labour relations…
We hear Edward’s cries coming from the wings.
Edward – Ow… Ouch… Twenty per cent?
Magda – I’ll give you twenty per cent more of this!
Edward – Ten per cent?
Magda – Ten per cent raise?
Edward – Well, I mean…
They both come back on stage. Magda is keeping Edward in check with her broom, ready to strike again.
Edward – Very well Magda… Knowing how and when to end a negotiation is a skill and I can see your counter offer is not negotiable… We have a deal… The Union Credit agrees to your request for a ten per cent raise…
Magda – Very well, Sir.
Edward – Having said that, I like your tough negotiating style… At the bank we like to leverage our employees’ strengths… And you, Magda, have quite a strong personality…
Magda – Thank you, Sir…
Edward – Would you be interested in a training session, paid for by the bank of course, to allow you to join our repo team? Like I said, we’re in a financial crisis and there’s more and more clients defaulting on their payments…
She shoots him a dark glance. He retreats cautiously.
Edward – Let’s not talk about it anymore, Magda. I’ll let you get back to work…
Magda – Thank you, Sir.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Sidewalk Chronicles
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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