A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One character is there, waiting. Another one arrives.
Two – Excuse me, are you the man on the street?
The other looks at him, obviously surprised.
One – Well, I’m the man on the sidewalk anyway…
Two – I’m an intern at a polling institute, and I’ve been asked to interview the man on the street. Could you spare a few minutes?
One – I’m waiting for the bus…
Two – Perfect, it’s an omnibus survey.
One – Omnibus?
Two – Yes… It means it’s a survey that combines unrelated questions. It’s cheaper for the sponsors, you see?
One – No…
Two – Each one buys a ticket, if you prefer, and has the right to ask a question in this omnibus. It’s cheaper than chartering a bus just for them.
One – I don’t understand a word… Is it a survey about public transportation?
Two – Well, here’s the first question… It’s historically proven that Jesus Christ never went to church. Okay, somewhat agree, agree…?
One – Are you sure they’re not pranking you at your polling institute?
Two – More like disagree, strongly disagree…?
One – Is this for a hidden camera show?
Two – I’ll go with more like disagree…
One – This is completely ridiculous as a question.
Two – Yet, the person who commissioned it is very high up, believe me.
One – Who is it?
Two – Sorry, I’m bound by professional secrecy… So, here’s the second question: Do you agree with the National Front’s program, excluding national preference and leaving the euro?
One – Are you kidding me?
Two – Not at all!
One – How do you expect me to answer such questions?
Two – This one is a simple yes or no.
The other gives him an exasperated look.
Two – I’ll put down don’t know…
One – I suppose there’s a third and final question…
Two – Well, there are a bit more than that, but…
One – Just say the omnibus broke down…
Two – So… Why is there something rather than nothing? It’s an open-ended question… I can tell you, this one was commissioned by an individual out of their own pocket.
One – Maybe a philosophy professor.
Two – In fact, it’s the wife of a man who runs a horse butcher shop in the suburbs.
One – Well, when you’re married to a guy who runs a horse butcher shop, I understand why existential questions come up…
Two – And what’s your answer?
One – How many characters do you have?
Two – Like for a tweet: 140 characters.
One – If only philosophers had stuck to that to answer these kinds of questions, philosophy would be much more popular in high school classes today…
Two – So…?
One – Why is there something rather than nothing? I don’t know… Because if there was nothing, there wouldn’t be horses either, so no slaughterers, no horse butchers, and no one behind the counter to ask this stupid question.
Two – Well, well…
One – What?
Two – That’s exactly 140 characters…
One – Well, I have to leave. Here comes my bus…
Two – Can I ask for your name and a phone number? Sometimes they check to make sure we didn’t make up the answers…
The other hands him his card.
One – Here’s my card…
He leaves. The other stays and looks at the card.
Two (reading) – Mr. Streetwalker… (Looking up) What street is this, anyway?
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Sidewalk Chronicles
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net