A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A man dressed as a woman, resembling a prostitute, is waiting on the sidewalk. A nun approaches. She seems unpleasantly surprised to see the man.
Nun – What are you doing here?
Man – Can’t you see?
Nun – Don’t you think you stand out a bit in this nice setting?
Man – Are you the police?
Nun – Not exactly…
Man – The street belongs to everyone, right?
The man offers her money.
Nun – Well, take this tenner then, and get lost, alright?
The man looks at the money, surprised, but doesn’t take it.
Man – Thank you, Sister, that’s very generous of you. But I’m afraid I’ll have to stay.
Nun – I’m just asking you to move to the end of the street!
Man – Yes, but sorry, that’s not going to happen.
The nun thinks for a moment, annoyed, then decides.
Nun – Alright, how much for a… you know?
Man – Why? Interested?
The nun takes out two twenty-euro bills and hands them to him.
Nun – Here are two twenty-euro bills. You see, my car is just around the corner. Why don’t you go check if I’m there? Just consider it part of your job…
Man – But I’m telling you, no.
Nun – And why not?
Man – Because I have a good reason not to move from here, that’s why.
Nun – What reason?
Man – Do I ask you questions?
Nun – I don’t mind if you do, as long as you clear off from here afterward.
Man – Fine. So why does it bother you so much that I’m here? It’s not very Christian. I remind you that Jesus himself didn’t stone the adulterous woman…
Nun – Yeah, well, when it comes to adulterous women, I’m more in favour of stoning, you know…
Man – Is that a threat?
Nun – Listen, I have nothing against you, alright? I’m keeping an eye on the house across the street, and I’d prefer to stay discreet, you understand? If there are two of us, it starts looking like a gathering…
Man – Number 13?
Nun – Yes, number 13, why?
Man – No, I’m asking you why. Why are you so interested in what’s happening at number 13?
Nun – Let’s just say… two people planned to meet there. Two people who are married, but not to each other, if you catch my drift.
Man – And heaven sent you to prevent this mortal sin… You’re some kind of guardian angel, right?
Nun – I’d rather be a sort of cuckold…
Man – Ah, I see… You’re the wife of…?
Nun – Can’t hide anything from you.
The man is taken aback.
Man – Oh yes, of course, that changes everything…
Nun – So?
Man – Well, congratulations on your disguise. I would never have guessed that…
Nun – Thank you.
Man – What do you think of mine?
Nun – Don’t tell me you too…
Man – Oh yes… I’m the betrayed husband.
Nun – No way?
Man – Yes…
Nun – It’s unbelievable… Well, congrats to you too… I would never have guessed that…
Man – And now, what do we do?
Nun – It’s true that our disguises are perfect, but…
Man – Yes, the least we can say is that our pairing is quite unlikely.
Nun – And quite noticeable.
Man – It’s really unfortunate.
Nun – We’re going to end up drawing attention, that’s obvious.
Man – Too bad we couldn’t coordinate.
Nun – Let’s just act like we don’t know each other.
Man – Alright… we can give it a try…
Nun – They shouldn’t be arriving late anyway.
A moment passes during which they try to ignore each other.
Man – I’m just taking a few photos with my phone and then I’m out. It’s for my lawyer.
Nun – I did think about hiring a detective for the photos, but it’s so expensive.
Man – And so cliché.
Nun – If your photos turn out bad, I’ll send you mine. You can leave me your email address.
Man – Here, take my card.
He hands her a card, which she takes.
Nun – Oh, you teach at the city high school?
Man – Yes, why?
Nun – I teach there too.
Man – That’s at least one thing in common.
Nun – It’s strange that we haven’t run into each other before.
Man – Well, maybe we have. But I guess you don’t go to work dressed like this either…
Nun – No, you’re right…
A moment passes.
Man – Do you smoke?
Nun – No, thank you…
Man – Oh no, I don’t smoke either. I just wanted to know if you were a smoker.
Nun – Oh really? And why is that?
Man – My wife is a smoker. It’s absolutely unbearable.
Nun – Yes, I know what you mean… My husband smokes too.
Man – At least they have that in common. Maybe they met in a tobacco shop…
Nun – Who knows…
Man – Ah, here they come, I think.
Nun – I dare not look… They’ll spot us for sure.
Man – All we can do now is act like in the movies.
Nun – In the movies?
He takes her in his arms and kisses her for a long time. They gradually release each other.
Man – There, they must have entered number 13.
Nun – Are you sure it was them?
Man – Not quite, actually… I didn’t really look… You see, I had my mind elsewhere…
Nun – Yes, me too… Do you think they recognised us?
Man – Honestly, I doubt it. With our disguises…
Nun – Well, I think it’s best if we leave.
Man – I’m wondering if I shouldn’t entrust this matter to a private detective, though.
Nun – Yes, no matter what, it’s a profession.
Man – But come to think of it, why not hire the same detective for both of our cases? After all, it’ll be the same photos, right?
Nun – You’re right, it would be silly to multiply expenses. We can share the costs…
Man – Please, I insist… It’s on me.
Nun – You’re a gentleman like they don’t make anymore. And I don’t even know your name…
Man – I think it’s better not to linger around here too much… Would you like to have a drink somewhere?
Nun – I don’t know if it’s very reasonable, but…
Man – The hardest part will be finding a place where we could go unnoticed.
Nun – Indeed…
They exit.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Sidewalk Chronicles
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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