A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
The first person arrives. The second follows and, seeing that the other looks a bit unwell, approaches with concern.
One – Are you okay?
Two – I just buried my father.
One – Buried?
Two – Yes, well… I didn’t do it myself. I hired specialists. Seems like there’s no other way. It’s not cheap, by the way.
One – Oh, I see…
Two – Anyway, I’ve just come from the funeral.
One – I’m truly sorry. Please accept my condolences…
Two – You can keep your condolences. I hated my father.
One – We always have a good reason to hate our fathers.
Two – You know what I find really unbearable at funerals?
One – What?
Two – All those people who aren’t even part of the family, whom we’ve often never seen in our lives before the ceremony, and who, in front of the coffin, start sobbing louder than the deceased’s own children. As if to make them feel guilty for not showing more demonstrative grief.
One – You’re right… There should be a precedence order. A permissible decibel level based on each person’s proximity to the deceased.
Two – If the direct heirs don’t feel the need to cry in front of the deceased’s coffin, then the others should refrain from doing so, right?
One – Yet, it seems that your father’s death didn’t leave you entirely indifferent…
Two – Indeed… His passing is tough for me.
One – Despite your differences, you hadn’t completely severed ties with him…
Two – No… The last time I saw him was in the judge’s office…
One – In the judge’s office?
Two – I was about to win the lawsuit I had filed against my father… Now that he’s dead, of course, it’s going to be much more difficult…
One – Ah, I see…
Two – I’m afraid the case will be closed without resolution.
One – That’s worrying. But… why the lawsuit, if I may ask?
Two – It would take a bit long to explain, but basically… I reproach my father, after bringing me into this world, for leaving me completely defenceless in the face of the world’s misery…
One – And why not make the same reproach to your mother as well?
Two – I was born of an unknown mother.
One – Of an unknown mother? Well… I didn’t even know that was physically possible. In my time… But it’s true that nowadays, with new technologies…
Two – I was born in unknown lands, from an undocumented surrogate mother, paid in cash, who preferred to remain anonymous.
One – So, you blamed your father for depriving you of a mother’s affection…
Two – Oh no, not at all!
One – Then why sue him for bringing you into this world? You don’t seem to have any particular malformations…
Two – Goodness, no.
One – I’d even say you’re rather well-made…
Two – Thank you.
One – So, why?
Two – Have you seen the world we live in?
One – Yes, that’s true… With all these wars everywhere on the planet. Terrorism. Famine. Climate change…
Two – Not to mention the wealth tax and prostate cancer.
One – You hold your father accountable for bringing you into this valley of tears that is our modern world…
Two – Actually, it’s a bit more complicated than that…
One – You’re starting to intrigue me.
Two – Before dying, my father bequeathed a large part of his fortune to a foundation that fights world hunger.
One – Ah, yes, that’s… That’s good.
Two – Yes, but my share of the inheritance is reduced as a result.
One – Of course… But… it’s still very generous of him.
Two – Not at all! He did it on purpose to annoy me!
One – What do you mean, to annoy you? World hunger, everyone is against it, right? Don’t tell me you’re in favour…
Two – I’m telling you he did it solely to disinherit me.
One – Yes, I understand, but… Still… It will benefit people who really need that money.
Two – Exactly! That’s why I’m suing him.
One – Pardon?
Two – If he had left his fortune to his plumber or his tax inspector, his intention to harm me would have been clear. But this way, it’s particularly cunning, isn’t it?
One – Cunning?
Two – By disinheriting me in favour of fighting world hunger, he gives himself the moral high ground, you see! And if I oppose it, I come off as selfish. A daddy’s boy who wants to keep eating caviar with his father’s inheritance, rather than joyfully renouncing it so that the disinherited can have a bit of rice on their plates.
One – When they have a plate…
Two – Oh no, I won’t let it happen!
One – Of course… I mean… I understand… But it might not be easy.
Two – Tell me about it…
One – As you were saying, in front of the judges, you’ll have the bad role…
Two – There you go… But I remain confident… I have a good lawyer…
One – And what will you do if you still win the case?
Two – What do you expect me to do? I’ll immediately donate that money to the same foundation.
One – Pardon?
Two – I have no choice! If I keep all that cash for myself, I’ll be seen as a jerk. That’s what you’d think, wouldn’t you?
One – Well, yes, obviously…
Two – There you go! When I told you my father was a great pervert, do you understand now?
One – Uh… Yes… I’m trying… But… are you sure it’s not a bit complicated, all of this?
Two – And why is that?
One – If this money is ultimately going to that foundation…
Two – Ah yes, but it’s not the same at all! This time, I’ll be the one giving.
One – You’ll be giving… your father’s money.
Two – If I inherit it first, it’ll be my money! And I will have proven that he did all this not out of generosity but simply to annoy me. And I’ll be the benefactor of humanity!
One – Of course… Well… If it can make you feel better too…
Two – Yes… But there’s still one thing that bothers me.
One – The death of your father…
Two – No, the fact that even if I win this case, he’ll never know…
One – It’s always much more difficult to get revenge on people who are already dead.
Two – Yes… And it’s much less gratifying…
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Open Letters
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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