A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A woman enters the lobby, crosses it, and perplexed, stands in front of the door’s entry code panel that leads to the stairs. A man arrives shortly after and heads towards the same door to input the code.
Woman – Excuse me… Can I enter with you? I don’t have the code…
Man – Uh… Yes… Well… You mean you don’t have the code?
Woman – Yes… That’s what I just told you, right?
Man – I mean… In principle, you need to have the code to enter this building. That’s the principle…
Woman – The principle?
Man – Those who have the code have the right to enter, others don’t. What’s the point of having a code otherwise?
Woman – Oh, I see…
Man – Well, yeah…
Woman – So, you won’t let me in?
Man – Well, no…
Woman – Do you think I’m a thief or something?
Man – I don’t know… If you lived in this building, why wouldn’t you have the code?
Woman – Why? The code could have changed without me being notified.
Man – The code hasn’t changed in twenty years.
Woman – I could have forgotten it!
Man – It’s the kind of code you don’t forget, believe me. Many elderly people live in this building, so we chose something easy to remember. Even someone in the terminal stage of Alzheimer’s would forget their birthdate before forgetting the code to this building…
Woman – 007?
Man – So, you don’t live in this building…
Woman – And do you remember your birthdate?
Man – Since you don’t live here, who are you here to see?
Woman – But come on, that’s none of your business! Are you with the police?
Man – No. But it’s my building.
Woman – You own this building?
Man – I’m a co-owner. I look after the safety of the people who live here. And the integrity of their property.
Woman – I see… You’re some kind of security guard, then.
Man – Just tell me what you’re here for.
Woman – I’m here to murder someone, is that okay with you?
Man – On which floor?
Woman – Does it make a difference?
Man – Just checking that you’re not lying.
Woman – The little old lady on the fifth.
Man – On the fifth, there’s a gay couple and a single mother.
Woman – A single mother? What era are you living in? The late 19th century? Today, we say a single-parent family, mind you!
Man – Anyway, we don’t say the little old lady on the fifth! So, you’re lying!
Woman – Of course, I’m lying. If I had come to murder someone, do you really think I’d specify the floor to you?
Man – That still doesn’t tell me what you’re here for.
Woman – Initially, I didn’t come to kill someone, that’s true. But I must admit that after meeting you, it gives me the urge to commit murder…
Man – Fine, mock as much as you want. But as long as I don’t know what you’re here for, there’s no way I’ll let you in.
Woman – OK… I’m here to see someone, does that work for you?
Man – Oh yeah? And who’s that?
Woman – The dentist.
Man – Do you have a toothache?
Woman – It’s more complicated than that…
Man – Which dentist, first of all? There are at least three or four in the building.
Woman – I don’t know his name. I mean, his real name.
Man – Convenient…
Woman – No, actually, it’s not convenient. It’s someone I met online. I only know his username.
Man – A username?
Woman – He invited me to his place, but he forgot to give me the code.
Man – He invites you to his place but doesn’t give you the code…
Woman – He forgot, I tell you!
Man – Uh-huh… Why don’t you just call him?
Woman – I don’t have his number.
Man – Oh, he didn’t give you his number either. Apparently, he values his privacy a lot… Are you really sure he invited you to come to his place? I mean, he didn’t give you the code…
Woman – He gave me the address, said he lived on the third floor, and that he was a dentist. I think if he didn’t want to see me…
Man – Dentist? On the third floor… So, it’s the address of his office. Not his home.
Woman – So what?
Man – That explains why he forgot to give you the code.
Woman – And why is that?
Man – Because during the day, there’s no code.
Woman – So, there is a dentist on the third floor.
Man – Yes.
Woman – So, you see, I’m not lying.
Man – At the same time, it’s indicated on the sign.
Woman – What sign?
Man – The sign outside at the entrance of this building.
Woman – Okay… So, you still won’t let me in?
Man – It depends… What’s your username?
Woman – Excuse me?
Man – You said you only know this dentist by his username. I assume he only knows you by a code name too.
Woman – And why would I give you my code? That’s very personal, isn’t it? More personal than the access code to a building, at least…
Man – Let’s say it’s a two-way street.
Woman – Alex343.
Man – Alex343?
Woman – What? You don’t like it either?
Man – No, no… Alex343, it’s a very nice name. (Changing tone) For a very nice person… It makes me curious about the other 342 Alexs.
Woman – Are you hitting on me now? You’ve got some nerve.
Man – We started off on the wrong foot, but allow me to introduce myself – Domi459.
Woman – Domi459? So, it’s you?
Man – I hope you’re not too disappointed…
Woman – No, no, but… I didn’t imagine you like this…
Man – Apologies for the code, but since there’s none during the day…
Woman – Of course.
Man – And you never know who you’re dealing with.
Woman – You’re right. One can never be too cautious.
Man – Did you find it easily?
Woman – Yes, yes… Until I got to this door, at least…
He points to the door.
Man – But go ahead, please…
Woman – Uh…
Man – Oh yes, that’s right… You don’t have the code… Wait, let me go ahead of you… 111, easy to remember…
Woman – Yes, that’s handy…
Man – By the way, I forgot to introduce myself… Since you only know me by my username…
Woman – Your name is on the sign at the entrance of the building.
Man – Oh, yes, that’s true! And you, what’s your real name?
Woman – If you don’t mind, I’ll wait to get to know you a little better before giving you the access code…
They exit.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Open Letters
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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