A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A man is sitting in his bed, staring into space. The woman enters, dressed as a priest.
Woman – Good morning, my son.
Man (only slightly surprised) – Good morning, Daddy…
Woman – I’m the hospital chaplain.
Man – Good morning, Father.
Woman – I came as soon as you called me.
Man – Are you really sure I called you?
Woman – Someone told me to come and see you. They had a slight Romanian accent.
Man – Oh yes… That’s my surgeon…
Woman – I gathered that it was quite urgent… But if you feel you’re not ready, I can come back later.
Man – No, no, please go ahead. That way, it’s done. Just in case. Well, I don’t know how long it’s valid for…
Woman – Valid?
Man – I mean, the last rites. If you don’t die immediately, how long is it valid for? Maybe three months. Like a medical certificate.
Woman – I confess… I’ve never been asked that question before. And as the situation has never come up for me…
Man – Are you really sure that I’m Catholic?
Woman – Well… I must admit that I’ve never thought to demand a baptism certificate in these circumstances. I can’t imagine a dying person lying about their religion to receive the last rites in extremis. Are you not sure you’re a Catholic, my son?
Man – I also don’t remember being Jewish or Muslim. And since I’m not circumcised… Are you sure I’m not circumcised?
Woman – My goodness…
Man – I’m sorry, I’m embarrassing you with all my questions. But you know, I’m not used to this. It’s my first last rites…
Woman – Yes, I can imagine… Would you at least like to confess, my son?
Man – I don’t know, is it… Is it mandatory?
Woman – Let’s just say it’s strongly recommended. For the sake of your soul’s salvation.
Man – Well… what do I have to lose?
Woman – I’m listening, my son.
The man reflects, then looks at her as if he’s discovering her.
Man – I must confess that…
Woman – Yes?
Man – It’s a bit embarrassing.
Woman – And why is that, my son?
Man – You look so much like my wife, you see.
Woman – I see…
Man – You can understand how, for a married man, having the feeling that his confessor looks like his wife…
Woman – Rest assured, my son. Even if I were your wife, I would still be bound by the seal of confession.
Man – Well, I don’t really know where to start…
Woman – You can start at the end.
Man – Confessing is quite challenging when you’ve lost your memory, you know.
Woman – Are you at least feeling guilty, my son? That would be a start.
Man – I don’t know… Are you still guilty when you’ve lost all memory of your sins?
Woman – You really don’t remember anything?
Man – I don’t even remember where I parked my car.
Woman – Since you’re not able to confess your sins, I’ll grant you absolution anyway. In the benefit of the doubt…
Man – Thank you for trusting me, Father. I’ll try not to disappoint you.
Woman – But don’t forget to rectify your situation as soon as you can.
Man – It’s a promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.
She blesses him with a sign of the cross.
Woman – In the name of the Father, the Mother, and the Son.
Man – Amen.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Not even dead
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