A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A woman arrives, dressed as Mrs. Claus. She lights a cigarette or starts vaping. A man arrives in turn. He first sees her from behind and is a bit surprised by her Santa Claus costume. He’s even more surprised when the woman turns around and he sees that she’s Mrs. Claus.
Man – Hello…
Mrs. Claus – Hi.
Man – You…?
Mrs. Claus – I’m here for the Christmas tree.
Man – The Christmas tree…?
Mrs. Claus – The company’s Christmas tree. The one you work for, I assume.
Man – Oh yes, that’s right… The Christmas tree… I didn’t even know they still did that… With all these secularism laws…
Mrs. Claus – You don’t have any children…
Man – No time, unfortunately. Maybe in twenty or thirty years… If my company’s health insurance agrees to cover the cost of freezing my sperm until retirement. And you…?
Mrs. Claus – I work every other year for the Works Council. The rest of the year, I do theatre. But you know, theatre…
Man – Yes… One has to make a living… And don’t you have a beard?
Mrs. Claus – Would you prefer that I had a beard?
Man – No, no, you’re… You’re quite charming as you are… But why every other year? Christmas is every year. Don’t tell me the Works Council has decided to celebrate Christmas only in odd years to save money?
Mrs. Claus – It’s because of gender parity.
Man – Gender parity?
Mrs. Claus – To fight sexism, the Works Council decided that every other year, Santa Claus would be a woman.
Man – Oh, I see…
Mrs. Claus – When you think about it… There’s no reason that only male actors should expect to find a side job during the holidays.
Man – I have to admit, I had never thought of that.
Mrs. Claus – For us, with Christmas trees, store promotions, private parties… it’s a very important seasonal activity. Last year, it’s what helped me to save my job.
Man – As Mrs. Claus…
Mrs. Claus – As an actress!
Man – Of course…
The man starts vaping as well.
Man – And do you have any children?
Mrs. Claus – I have thousands…
Man – Oh really? Maybe a mishap during the thawing of your eggs?
Mrs. Claus – I’m Mrs. Claus! All children are my children.
Man – Right…
They smoke for a moment.
Man – And… is there a Santa Claus?
Mrs. Claus – Don’t tell me that at your age, you’re still asking that question?
Man – I meant, when you get home, is there a Santa Claus waiting for you at your cottage, with whom you share all the household chores according to strict gender equality rules?
Mrs. Claus – Well, no. Since you want to know everything, no one is waiting downstairs with a sleigh. As far as I’m concerned, Santa Claus doesn’t exist…
Man – It’s funny, but unlike the first time I heard this, today I tend to think it’s good news…
Mrs. Claus puts out her cigarette or puts away her vape.
Mrs. Claus – I have to go back… I need to finish decorating the tree… And then I have an hour on the train to get home…
Man – I have my car downstairs. I also have something to finish, and then I’m leaving. I can drop you off, if you want. It’s on my way.
Mrs. Claus – I haven’t even told you where I live yet.
Man – But I already know it’s on my way.
Mrs. Claus – The magic of Christmas…
They leave together. Music of choice. All participants return to the stage, as zombies, for a Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”-style choreography, revisited as a flash mob.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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