A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
What appears to be a rooftop terrace. Two characters, either men or women, arrive. They start smoking and chat while watching the wisps of smoke coming from their possibly electronic cigarettes.
Yael – Did you know that particles can be in two different places at the same time?
Alex – Particles?
Yael – Elementary particles! Photons, if you prefer. At least, that’s what quantum physics says.
Alex – Are you sure you’re not smoking something stronger than nicotine?
Yael – No, I assure you. I heard about it on the radio yesterday.
Alex – Well, it would be useful to be a particle, wouldn’t it? I could attend that meeting scheduled for five today and still pick up my daughter from school at the same time.
Yael – Imagine having the gift of ubiquity! You could be waiting in line at Tesco with your partner on a Saturday morning and, at the same time, lying in bed with your lover in a charming little hotel in the countryside.
Alex – And when you get back, the fridge would be full. We’d be completely blameless.
Yael – You wouldn’t even need an alibi.
Alex – Could we still talk about infidelity?
Yael – Adultery implies coexistence. You can’t be unfaithful to partners known before or after marriage. However, quantum physics describes a state of matter where the very notion of time is suspended.
Alex – So particles are never cheated on. It’s an interesting thought.
Yael – No more time means no more causality, and therefore, no more guilt.
Alex – This doesn’t sound very Catholic.
Yael – It seems that God doesn’t rule over the infinitely small. Quantum physics is like a generalized orgy of particles.
Alex – Unfortunately, my particles aren’t governed by the laws of quantum physics.
Yael – You’re right… We are more subject to the law of maximum annoyance.
Alex puts away his electronic cigarette.
Alex – Actually, I need to get back. I’m not sure my boss knows much about quantum physics. It’s kind of funny, but he still thinks that when I’m on a break, I’m not really working.
Yael – That just shows how little he knows. If he only knew the kind of high-level conversations we have during a smoke break.
Yael also puts away his cigarette.
Alex – It’s true that smokers are increasingly looked down upon.
Yael – That’s why I’m quitting on Monday.
Alex – I’ve heard that before.
Yael – No, seriously, I mean it this time.
Alex – So why wait until Monday?
Yael – I have to pick up my mother-in-law tonight. She’s staying with us for the weekend. And believe me, a weekend with my mother-in-law is not the best time to quit smoking.
Alex – I see…
Yael – Do you also have a mother-in-law?
Alex – One can choose not to get married, but one can’t choose not to have a mother-in-law.
Yael – Unless you marry an orphan…
Alex – Preferably one abandoned on the steps of a church, so you don’t have to visit a graveyard and lay chrysanthemums on All Saints’ Day…
Yael – That brings us back to quantum mechanics. A cat has to be either dead or alive. And it’s the same with mothers-in-law…
Alex – A cat?
Yael – Haven’t you heard of Schrödinger’s Cat?
Alex – No.
Yael – It’s a friend of Einstein who questioned the laws of quantum physics.
Alex – So, he had a mother-in-law?
Yael – I’ll explain it another day. Oh, I can’t forget to get gas for the car, or I’ll be stranded on the highway picking up my mother-in-law.
They leave.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Nicotine
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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