A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One character is present. The other enters, dragging a suitcase.
Two – Hello, I’ve come for… You know what, right?
The other doesn’t seem to know.
One – Oh, right, assisted suicide! No, wait, it’s actually because… It’s a bit funny, but we also handle sperm donation. (The other remains unamused.) My bad, I should’ve picked up on your expression, you’re clearly not here for…
Two – No…
One – Also, for sperm donation, people usually don’t bring a suitcase.
Two – True.
The other hands over a paper.
One – Here, you need to fill out the form. Let me double-check I didn’t mix it up with the other one… No, that’s the right one… So, name, address, phone…
Two – Phone?
One – Well, technically, it’s optional… I mean, we won’t be calling you after, that’s for sure. Anyway, social security number, emergency contact in case of non-death…
Two – In case of non-death, are you sure about that?
One – In theory, it’s one hundred percent reliable, but you know… Perfection isn’t of this world. Did you bring the check and a photo ID?
Two – Here… (He hands over the required documents.) The photo isn’t the most recent, but…
The other looks at the photo.
One – Ah yes, indeed… But how old were you?
Two – Six months.
One – Well, they didn’t specify “recent photo.” Have you been sponsored?
Two – Excuse me?
One – If someone who’s already used our services sponsored you, half of the fees go to their family. Didn’t know that?
Two – No.
One – Too bad, you could’ve benefited your own folks. No one in your circle with suicidal tendencies?
Two – I don’t know…
One – Well, it’s a bit late to reconsider now. Maybe next time… I mean… There’s also a little test we need to go through…
The other hands over another form.
Two – Please don’t tell me you need a genius-level IQ to qualify for assisted suicide?
One – No, don’t worry. Everyone has the right to end their life. Even idiots. It’s just to ensure you’re mentally sound and fully aware of what you’re doing.
Two – Right…
One – Just mark the right boxes. It’s pretty straightforward. We haven’t had anyone fail the test so far
He looks at the test and starts ticking the correct answers.
Two – Ah, got it… What’s 1 plus 1? What’s the colour of the king’s white horse? Is there life after death?
One – You’re entitled to a lifeline.
Two – Well, for the last one, I’ll come back to give you the answer in due time.
One – Fair enough, just a heads up, we haven’t implemented any after-sales service yet!
He hands back the completed test.
Two – Is that all for the formalities?
One – Almost… Have you written a letter of demotivation?
Two – No…
One – Just kidding, no need to stress.
Two – So, what’s next?
One – Everything’s in order. I’ll announce you…
Two – Announce me? You mean… up there?
One – Yes, if you’d like. It’s on the seventh…
Two – The seventh heaven?
One – The seventh floor! The department that handles…
Two – Ah, got it. My bad.
He takes out his phone.
One – Yes, Christine, your appointment has arrived… Okay, I’ll tell them to wait… (He hangs up.) We’re running a bit late. Winter is our peak season, and with the weather this year… It’s so depressing…
Two – I’ve got all the time in the world…
One – Not me, unfortunately… I’ve got a busy day… But first, I’ll make my way to the coffee machine. Skipped my morning cup today; my alarm decided to play tricks on me. Want me to bring you one?
Two – Bring me what?
One – A coffee!
Two – Sure, why not…
One – Don’t worry. If you’re not around when I come back, I’ll enjoy it myself.
Two – Thanks for everything.
One – You’re welcome. And… don’t forget your suitcase.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Memoirs of a Suitcase
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net