A Monologue by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Dear fellow citizens, my wishes will be half as long as usual because on this 31st of December at 8 PM, we’re in a state of emergency, and time is running out. To begin with, I have a turkey waiting for me at home, and it’s quite a tough one. I might have gone a tad overboard: I’m not even sure it’ll squeeze in my oven in one piece. With the cooking time at an hour per kilo, I’m looking at a potential turkey-eating marathon that might extend well into mid-January. Now, let’s put that hefty turkey aside and circle back to the main issue—you, my dear fellow citizens. As the Head of State, my responsibility is to bring your attention to the dire state of our country as I address you. When this year kicked off, we had a full 365 days ahead of us. Now, there’s just one left. That stark reality highlights how our nation’s deficit persistently expands, inching wider day by day, year after year. Rest assured, I have just sent up a prayer to God, asking for a divine extension on our credit line for a few more months starting tomorrow. But I must warn you: our nation cannot continue to spend its time recklessly. Henceforth, as of January 1st, my decision is to replace only one day out of every two. The coming year will therefore only have six months. It will begin on the 1st of January and end on the 30th of June. On that date, I’ll stand before you once again to extend my heartfelt New Year wishes. I get that these necessary changes for our nation might demand some adjustments on your part. However, take comfort in the fact that, thanks to the overall warming of the planet, soon you won’t discern much difference between the seasons, and every year will blend seamlessly into the next. Those without a summer will just be slightly more off-kilter than the rest. In perfect alignment with this reform, set to double the efficiency of our annual tax collection, I have also decided on a strong measure: the abolition of the transition from daylight saving time to standard time, which has divided the nation for years. From now on, there will only be one time, but only for six months a year! My dear fellow citizens, I wish you an excellent half-year. I believe in the bright side of the force, and I won’t leave you. Long live the Republic, and half-long live our country.
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A sketch from the collection Like a fish in the air
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