A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A character sits at a table with one full glass and one empty one. Next to him is a bucket with a bottle of champagne. Another character arrives.
One – You know how to whistle, don’t you?
Two – You just put your lips together and blow
One – A password for film buffs…
Two – To Have and Have Not, a classic. I’ll pour you some.
One – Gladly.
The other pours him a glass. They toast.
Two – To our contract.
One – I haven’t agreed to anything yet. What’s the job exactly?
Two – To kill someone.
One – I’m a hitman. That’s usually why I’m hired. But who do you want to get rid of?
Two – Myself.
One – Sorry?
Two – Yes, I know, it’s probably unusual, but after all, what difference does it make to you?
One – None, I suppose.
Two – It actually has advantages. The victim’s willing, no one will complain, and you’re guaranteed no trouble.
One – In our line of work, you’re never guaranteed anything, you know. The question is… why don’t you do it yourself?
Two – Because I don’t have the courage, plain and simple.
One – I understand. Killing someone else is one thing. Killing yourself is another. If I ever wanted to end it, I think I’d call in a colleague.
Two – Plus, I don’t want to hurt my loved ones, you understand. Suicide is always such a burden for those left behind. “Why didn’t I see it coming?” “If only I’d known, could I have stopped it?”
One – Of course.
Two – An accident, or even a murder, is much easier for them to handle.
One – I have to admit, we’re getting more and more requests like yours. At first, it was hard for me, but… When you can be of service…
Two – You’ll be doing me a great favour, truly.
One – If I may ask… Why?
Two – Just weariness, really… The sense that what I was meant to do on this earth is behind me.
One – And if you change your mind?
Two – Unfortunately, every day I feel more certain about it.
One – Well, if you do change your mind, just send me a text.
Two – Alright.
He takes an envelope from his pocket and slides it across the table.
Two – Here you go, as agreed.
One – Very well.
Two – Aren’t you going to count it?
One – Where you’re going, what would you do with a few euros you hadn’t given me?
Two – True.
One – You seem like a nice chap. I’ll be a bit sad to…
Two – You seem rather nice yourself. And all things considered, I’m glad it’s you handling it…
One – As I mentioned, I give myself a month to complete the contract. So it could be tomorrow or next month. You won’t know the day, the hour, or the place…
Two – And what if something happens to you in the meantime?
One – Happens?
Two – If you die before I do.
One – That’s unlikely, but in that case, I’m afraid you’d have to keep living a bit longer.
Two – Then take good care of yourself.
The other stands up, makes a farewell gesture, and leaves. The one who remains finishes his drink. We hear the screech of tyres followed by a crash.
Two – Oh, damn. That’s the third one this week…
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net