A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A character sits casually at a table, with a carafe and a glass in front of him. He opens a newspaper. Another character enters, holding a gun and trying not to be seen, chewing gum. The first character doesn’t notice him, as he’s hidden behind his newspaper. The man with the gun aims but suddenly chokes on his gum and starts coughing. He struggles and gasps. The other character notices, puts down his newspaper, and rushes to help, patting him on the back.
One – Are you alright?
The man with the gun doesn’t respond, continuing to choke. The other performs the Heimlich manoeuvre, standing behind him and applying pressure to his chest. The man finally spits out the gum and catches his breath.
One – Feeling better?
Two – I swallowed my gum the wrong way.
One – Well, the important thing is that you’re okay now.
Two – If you hadn’t been here… (He coughs a bit more.) And hadn’t known what to do.
One – It’s called the Heimlich manoeuvre. Supposedly, that’s what you do in these situations. I saw it on TV. First time I’ve ever tried it. Looks like it works.
Two – You saved my life.
One – Let’s not overdo it.
Two – No, no…
One – Would you like something to drink, to help settle you?
Two – I’ll try not to swallow it wrong…
The other pours him a glass from the carafe. Still holding the gun in his right hand, he grabs the glass with his left and drinks thirstily.
Two – That’s better.
One – Good, good… (Pause) But, if I may ask… why are you holding a gun?
Two – Oh, the gun… I…
One – Were you planning to rob this café?
Two – Well…
One – A small neighbourhood café like this… I doubt there’s much in the till… Risking jail time for such a small amount of money …
Two – Of course…
One – If you’re temporarily short on cash, I can help you out.
Two – You’d do that? I mean… No, I can’t accept, but…
One – But what? It’s no trouble, honestly…
Pause.
Two – Actually, I’m a hitman. I was here to kill you.
One – Really? And why’s that?
Two – Nothing personal, I assure you… It’s just my job, that’s all.
One – I understand…
Two – Yes… But now that you’ve saved my life… It does present a bit of a dilemma, naturally…
One – I’m really sorry to be causing you problems… Maybe I shouldn’t have…
Two – No, no, but… (Pause) You’re a decent sort, aren’t you?
One – I do what I can to help others…
Two – Why would anyone want to kill someone like you?
One – I was hoping you might be able to tell me.
Two – Our clients don’t always tell us their motives. They’re only interested in results… And for us, it’s about getting paid. Sometimes it’s better not to know, really.
One – Mustn’t be an easy job.
Two – You’re so nice… I understand how, over time, that might annoy some people… But to actually put a contract on you…
One – I don’t want to be a bother. Do what you have to do…
Two (annoyed) – Well, yes, but now you’ve saved my life!
One – I’m sorry.
Two – Say “sorry” one more time, and I’ll smack you.
One – Apologies, I just… So, what now?
Two – I don’t know… I need to think… A contract is a contract…
He puts his gun on the table and starts massaging his right arm.
One – You alright?
Two – Yeah, but I don’t know what’s up… My arm’s been feeling a bit off since this morning…
One – Off, how?
Two – Like… numb.
One – Do you have any issues with erectile function?
Two – Erectile function?
One – Sorry, I meant speech problems?
Two – No more than usual.
One – Vision issues?
Two – Now that you mention it, things have been a bit blurry lately…
One – That’s not something to mess around with. You might be having a stroke.
Two – A stroke?
One – A cerebrovascular accident. The symptoms fit. I hope it’s not that, but best not take chances. I’ll call emergency services…
Two – Are you sure?
One – Strokes are one of the leading causes of death in France. The first few hours are crucial. If it’s caught early, you can avoid lasting damage. (He dials.) On hold… You alright?
Two – Fine… I came here to kill you, and in the last five minutes, you’ve saved my life twice…
One – Ah… (He notices something under the table.) Third time’s the charm… Don’t move…
He kicks something under the table, bends down, and retrieves a snake, holding it up in front of the other man.
Two – What’s that?
One – A viper. Quite rare in the city. But it could’ve killed you…
The other man is utterly stunned.
Two – I don’t even know what to say…
One – No need to thank me. It’s only natural.
Two – I don’t want to thank you at all… On the contrary, I’m starting to feel a real urge to kill you…
The other finally gets someone on the line.
One – Excuse me a moment… Hello, emergency services?
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Killer Sketches
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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https://jeanpierremartinez.net