A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A couple sitting on a couch. The room is otherwise empty. They are doing nothing, saying nothing, staring straight ahead.
Her – What’s on TV tonight?
Him – No idea. Why?
Her – Just wondering… (Pause) Don’t you think we should get a new one?
Him – When we had a TV, we couldn’t stop watching it!
Her – That’s what it’s for, isn’t it?
Him – We were completely brain-dead! We never did anything else!
They continue staring blankly ahead.
Her (ironically) – And now, what are we doing?
Him – What do you want us to do?
Her – Nothing…
Him – That’s already better than watching TV… (Pause) When there was only one channel, it was still manageable. Now, with cable…
Her (nostalgic) – When I was a kid, we didn’t have a TV. I used to watch it at the neighbour’s…
Him (ironical) – Want me to ask the neighbour if you can go watch TV at his place?
Silence.
Her – We could talk.
He looks at her, slightly alarmed.
Her – Since we don’t have a TV anymore, we could take the opportunity to talk.
Him – Well… You start.
She tries to think about something.
Her – Do you love me?
Him (taken aback) – Maybe we could start with something a bit lighter…
He thinks.
Him – What are we having for dinner?
Her – It’s Wednesday. Fish day.
Him – Fish? Isn’t it usually Friday…?
Her – Friday’s chicken.
Him – That’s a bit fishy, isn’t it…?
Silence.
Him – What kind of fish should I get?
Her – I’ll go. I need to pick up some custard anyway. How about cod for a change?
Him – It’s a bit salty, isn’t it?
Her – Not if it’s done the French way.
Him – That doesn’t involve custard, does it?
Silence.
Him – If ever you cheated on me, would you tell me?
She looks at him, surprised.
Her – You mean : if you cheated on me, would I want you to tell me?
Him – That too, yes…
Her – Why are you asking me that?
Him – Just making conversation… Since we don’t have a TV…
She thinks.
Her – How am I supposed to answer that?
Him – Just say yes or no!
Her – You really think it’s that simple?
Him – No?
Her – Answering means already accepting the possibility that you might cheat on me.
Him – So?
Her – It’s like asking: if I murdered you, would you prefer me to turn myself in or run from the police?
He doesn’t quite see the connection.
Her – It means calmly imagining the possibility that you might kill me. That’s the real issue. The rest is just detail.
Him – Adultery isn’t a crime though.
Her – Sometimes adultery leads to crime…
He thinks, slightly worried.
Him – If I cheated on you, could you kill me?
Her – Well, if I did, I’d probably turn myself in. The justice system tends to be quite lenient with crimes of passion…
Silence.
Her – So you’re calmly imagining the possibility of cheating on me.
Him – 95% of animals are polygamous. The rest only stay together long enough to raise their young. Shows that fidelity isn’t really natural…
Her – We’re not animals.
Him – Still, 5% of animals are monogamous. That doesn’t make them human. Why should fidelity be a sign of humanity?
Her – It’s the foundation of the family, which is the foundation of society.
Him – So you’re faithful out of civic duty?
Silence.
Her – Does being faithful really weigh on you that much?
Him – No… I just wonder whether fidelity means the same thing to men and women.
Her – And? Why do you think men are faithful? When they are, of course…
He thinks about it.
Him – To avoid complications…?
Silence.
Him – Maybe we should just get another TV.
Black.
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A sketch from the collection Him and Her
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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