A sketch de Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two characters are there; the second seems lost in thought.
One – You all right?
Two – I’m all right.
One – You don’t look all right.
Two – Yes, yes, I’m fine… It’s just that…
One – What?
Two – You’ll think I’m crazy…
One – Go on, say it.
Two – You know that expression : “All he needs is to talk”?
One – Yes.
Two – Well, this morning, my dog spoke to me.
One – And what did he say?
The other looks at him, surprised.
Two – What did he say?
One – Yes.
Two – I’m telling you my dog talks, and you’re asking me what he said?
One – Well, yes.
Two – Er… The big news is that I’ve got a talking dog, not what he said, right?
One – What did you expect me to say, then?
Two – I don’t know. You could have said… “Come on, that’s a joke, dogs don’t talk.”
One – Sorry.
Two – You really will believe anything, won’t you?
One – So it’s not true, then.
Two – It is! It’s absolutely true!
One – Right… So I’ll ask again : what did he say? I’d be curious to know what dogs have to say to us.
Two – It wasn’t exactly an official statement. Just a… a regular conversation between my dog and me.
One – A regular conversation? About what?
Two – Well, I was just telling him…
One – You talk to your dog?
Two – Of course! Everybody talks to their dog. Don’t you talk to your dog?
One – I don’t have a dog. I do talk to myself now and then, like everyone else, but… So, you were talking to your dog. And what were you saying, exactly?
Two – I was saying… I don’t remember the exact words, but… it was about his dog food.
One – His dog food?
Two – Yes, I was giving him his food, like I do every day, and at some point, I must have said something like… “So, is the doggy’s food good?”
One – “Is the doggy’s food good?”
Two – Yes…
One – And then?
Two – Then he said… “It’s all right.”
One – “It’s all right?”
Two – “It’s all right.” I guess he meant, it’s OK, not too bad.
One – And after that?
Two – Then… he ate his food.
One – That’s all he said?
Two – That’s quite a lot, don’t you think?
One – Still. He’s not much of a conversationalist, is he?
Two – Yeah.
One – And you’re sure you heard him right.
Two – I swear, he said “It’s all right.”
One – And since then, nothing?
Two – Nothing.
One – On the other hand… if he said it was all right…
Two – Yeah.
One – Maybe you should try asking him a less silly question next time.
Two – Like what?
One – I don’t know…
Two – I could say… “Nice weather today, isn’t it?”
One – I said a less silly question…
Two – I’m not going to ask him what he thinks of the US elections! He’s just a mutt, after all.
One – I wonder if it wouldn’t be simpler to just stop talking to him.
Two – Yeah, maybe. But I’d miss talking to my dog. Until now, I talked to him, and he didn’t answer. That suited me just fine.
One – The ideal conversation partner, really.
Two – And I have to admit, I’m a bit scared.
One – Scared? Of what?
Two – Of what he might say.
One – What do you mean?
Two – He’s a dog! There might be things dogs know that we don’t.
One – Things? Like what?
Two – I don’t know! If I knew, it wouldn’t scare me…
One – Well… yeah. Maybe you should just stop talking to him.
Two – Yeah… but he’ll think I’m sulking. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with this dog anymore. Maybe I should just get rid of him.
One – Get rid of him? You mean…
Two – You’re right, I can’t do that. Abandoning a dog at a motorway service area is already a terrible thing to do, but a talking dog…
One – Yeah…
Two – Anyway, I’m glad I talked to you about it.
One – Glad to hear it…
Two – See you later, then.
One – Sure.
He exits. The other remains thoughtful for a moment, then addresses the audience.
One – Woof! Woof, woof! Woof, woof, woof!
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection For real and for fun
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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