A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
A grave with a portrait of the deceased and a plaque reading “In memory of Jacky.” On the ground, there’s an old newspaper. Two characters arrive, one after the other, each carrying a pot of flowers, which they clumsily place in front of the grave. They seem to be strangers and look embarrassed. Silence.
One – My condolences.
Two – Thank you…
One – You must be family, I assume…?
Two – Uh… not really. And you?
One – Neither am I.
They look around to make sure they are alone.
Two – Maybe we’re early.
One – Yes…
Two – Or late.
One – It’s strange that there are so few of us here.
Two – Still… he was very well-liked.
One – Yes.
Two – Did you know him? I mean… did you know him well?
One – Not really… And you?
Two – Me neither. To be honest, I’m not even sure why I’m here.
One – That’s always what you think when you attend a funeral, isn’t it?
Two – Yes… You come to be polite, and then… you end up wondering why you’re here.
One – I promised myself I’d never go to another funeral.
Two – Yes, me too… Except my own, of course.
One – Still, it’s good that we came… otherwise, no one would have been here.
A pause.
Two – It’s really sad…
One – It’s no age to die, that’s for sure.
Two – How old was he exactly?
One – Exactly… I’m not sure. But he didn’t seem that old, did he? Judging by his photo, at least…
Two – Maybe it’s an old photo.
One – Maybe… Have you noticed? When they put a photo on a grave, they usually choose one of the deceased when they were still young and healthy.
Two – True. A picture of them before their illness or… accident.
One – Or… their decline.
A pause.
Two – By the way, do you know what he died of, exactly?
One – Oh, I don’t know…
Two – What we do know is that he’s dead.
One – That’s the only thing we know for sure about him.
Silence.
Two – Your flowers are lovely.
One – Yours too.
Two – They’re the same, aren’t they?
One – We must have found them at the same place.
Two – Yes…
One – I found mine on a grave not far from here. I hadn’t thought to buy flowers, so… I just grabbed these on the way.
Two – Oh, yes…
One – And you?
Two – Same. I didn’t have any money on me… I picked them off a grave a bit further over there.
One – Flowers are so expensive these days.
Two – And anyway, the one we took them from won’t be lodging a complaint with the police.
The other one notices the newspaper on the ground.
One – I don’t know what that newspaper is doing here… Someone could have picked it up…
He picks up the newspaper and glances at the front page.
Two – This cemetery isn’t very well maintained. I don’t know if there’s even a caretaker. Anyone could steal flowers from a stranger’s grave.
One – Look, it’s odd, there’s his photo on the front page…
Two – His photo?
One – It’s about his accident…
Two – So? How did he die?
The other reads through the article.
One – Apparently, a car crash.
Two – Oh really?
One – He had three times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood, was driving too fast, crossed a yellow line, and crashed head-on into an oncoming car.
Two – Oh dear.
One – The car right behind didn’t have time to brake either.
Two – So, multiple victims then…
One – Three in total, including him.
Two – All because of a reckless driver…
One – If I’d known… I’m not sure I’d have come.
Two – No, me neither…
One – But did we really have a choice?
They exchange a puzzled look. A third character enters.
Two – Oh… here comes someone else.
One – Must be family.
The third character approaches. It’s the person whose portrait is on the grave.
Two – That must be his brother, they look a bit alike.
Three – Hello… Thank you for coming… I mean…
Two – No, no… It’s the least we could do.
They stand in silence for a moment.
Three – I hope you’re not too upset with me…
The other two exchange a puzzled look.
One – Why would we be upset with you? It’s not like you killed him, I assume…
Three – No, of course not… Well, in a way…
One – Oh really?
Three – Anyway, thanks for the flowers.
Two – You’re very welcome…
One – It’s the least we could do… (A pause) You were… I mean, you were…
Two – You knew him well, didn’t you?
The third character seems slightly surprised.
Three – Yes, you could say that.
Two – It’s such a shame to go like that… So young…
Three – Yes…
One – Not to mention the two other victims who didn’t deserve it.
Two – Drink-driving is such a scourge… You can never say it enough…
An awkward silence.
Three – Well, nothing can change it now, so what’s the point in lamenting? (A pause) Can I offer you something?
One – Excuse me?
Three – A drink? A glass of bubbly…
A moment of hesitation.
Two – Why not? It might lift our spirits a little…
Three – And besides, what do we have to lose now?
The third character exits.
One – Why not…? It’s not uncommon drinking to a dead person’s health, is it?
Two – You mean in their memory, I suppose. Because drinking to a dead person’s health…
One – Yes, of course…
Two – And usually, you don’t toast directly over their grave, do you?
One – I think they do that in Mexico, on the Day of the Dead.
Two – True… but we’re not in Mexico.
One – And it’s not the Day of the Dead.
Two – Are you sure?
One – About what?
Two – That it’s not the Day of the Dead.
One – I don’t know…
Two – In any case, we’re not in Mexico… Are we?
Silence. The third character returns with three glasses of champagne on a tray, offering them with a big smile. In his other hand, he holds a champagne bottle, which he places on the grave.
Three – Please, go ahead…
Each takes a glass.
Two – Thank you.
They all seem a bit embarrassed.
One – Well, then, to the memory of… (Checking the plaque) Jacky.
Three – That’s right.
They raise their glasses and drink.
Two – It’s nicely chilled.
One – Yes, it’s good stuff.
Two picks up the bottle and examines the label, intrigued.
Two – Veuve Clicquot…?
Three – Here, widows don’t exist anymore… In the cemetery, all couples end up reunited sooner or later.
One – Of course…
They drink again.
Three – It would be even better with some canapés, wouldn’t it?
Two – Indeed.
Three – I’ll go get them…
The third character exits again with the tray.
One – Canapés… Unbelievable, isn’t it?
Two – Yes…
One – What did he mean with that stuff about widows?
Two – No idea…
One – Still, it’s quite a nice funeral, isn’t it?
Two – Yes, more like a barbecue with friends.
One – Except that no one knows each other.
Two – I’m not sure who he is… I mean, in relation to the deceased.
Silence. They look at the grave and the portrait.
One – He looks a bit like him, doesn’t he?
Two – I’d say he looks a lot like him…
One – Do you think it could be him?
Two – How could it be him? He’s dead…
One – I don’t know.
The third character returns with canapés on the tray.
Three – Here you go! Help yourselves…
One – Thank you.
They each take one.
Two – I think I’ll try this one.
One – Yes, they look delicious.
Two – And it’s quite original, these canapés, shaped like…
One – Coffins.
Three – I thought, given the occasion…
Two – Yes…
They chew their canapés.
One – Makes you thirsty…
Three – Let’s get another one…
He exits again. The others look at the portrait.
Two – It’s really him, isn’t it?
One – Seems like it.
Two – So he’s not dead?
Pause.
One – Or maybe we are, too.
Two – Yes…
They exchange a troubled look.
One – Excuse me for a moment… (He steps away and then returns.) This is crazy…
Two – What?
One – I’ve found mine too…
Two – Yours?
One – My grave.
Two – Are you sure?
One – My name’s engraved on the tombstone.
Two – Oh, right…
One – And there’s my portrait. From when I was younger…
Two – Which one?
The other points to a grave.
One – The one where I got that pot of flowers. I hadn’t noticed…
Silence.
Two – In that case… mine must be here somewhere too.
One – Probably… (A pause) So, this isn’t… a farewell party.
Two – More like a housewarming.
One – Or even a housewarming in hell.
Silence.
Two – Do you remember?
One – What?
Two – How we died…
One – I’m not sure, but…
He picks up the newspaper and looks at the article again.
Two – What is it?
One – There’s a picture of the crash.
Two – And?
One – The cars are total wrecks, but… I think that’s my red Twingo…
Two – Let me see… (He looks at the newspaper.) Oh yes… I wouldn’t have recognized mine, but… there’s my number plate.
One – So, we were in the cars on the other side…
Two – Apparently…
A pause.
One – And he thinks he can make up for it with his Veuve Clicquot…
Two – And his coffin-shaped canapés.
One – He’s got some nerve…
Two – I’m going to kill him.
One – He’s already dead.
Two – And so are we…
The third character returns, grinning, with another bottle of champagne.
Three – Shall I top you up?
The other two give him a murderous look.
Blackout
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A sketch from the collection For real and for fun
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