A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
The beam of a torch in the darkness. Then a second one. The first light shines on the second person’s face.
Him – Ah, it’s you! You gave me a fright…
Her – Well?
Him – It’s done, everything’s in the truck.
Her – It all went smoothly?
Him – The usual.
She directs her torch beam toward the audience.
Her – So, no one was there…
Him – With the racket that mutt made when I arrived… If anyone had been in the house, they’d have woken up.
Her – Or maybe they’re dead.
Him – Don’t tempt fate. Can you imagine? Breaking into a place at night only to stumble on a corpse…
Her – With my luck lately, it wouldn’t surprise me.
Him – Yeah… I saw that happen in a film once. Can’t remember what it was called…
Her – You can tell me about it another time. And the dog… Is it all right?
Him – Thanks for asking if I got bitten…
Her – Did you?
Him – Tore a hole in my trousers. I had to knock it out…
Her – If there’s no one around, we can turn on the lights, right?
Him – Go ahead, all the houses around here are empty. Mostly holiday homes. Not to mention those who’ve already moved away.
Her – Because of all the burglaries, probably.
Him – If this keeps up, there’ll be nothing but empty houses left to rob around here.
She flips a switch, and the lights come on. His clothes are in tatters.
Her – Ah yes, that dog really did a number on you. Poor thing… You didn’t hurt it too much, did you?
Him – Why? Are you going to report me to the Animal Protection Society?
They look around.
Her – You’ve really done a clean sweep. Nothing left.
Him – Everything’s loaded in the truck.
Her – Anything interesting?
Him – Mostly furniture. Some trinkets. Pretty tasteless.
Her – I see…
Him – New-money style.
Her – Better new money than newly poor.
Him – There was a safe, though.
Her – Really?
Him – I managed to open it.
Her – How much?
Him – It’s all in the truck. I didn’t count it.
Her – We’ll check it out in a bit. Let’s not hang around here. You checked the other rooms?
Him – I cleared them all. Did you come with Bob?
Her – I dozed off in the car on the way here; I don’t even know where we are. (She looks around again) It’s amazing how much an empty house can look like any other.
Him – Yeah…
Her – You’re sure it’s the right house?
Him – You saw the cross marked on the wall outside. Bob scouted the place last week.
Her – Yeah… The kind of cross that means valuables, no alarm, easy access…
Him – He got it right. Except for the dog. It must’ve been asleep when he came by.
Her – Funny. This house looks vaguely familiar…
Him – Maybe it belongs to someone you know…
Her – Maybe…
She picks something up from the floor.
Him – What’s that?
Her – An electricity bill.
Him – Must’ve fallen from a drawer.
Her – It’s in my name…
Him – No…?
Her – I thought as much…
Him – You mean…
Her – This is my place! I can’t believe it… You burgled my house!
Him – How was I supposed to know! There was a cross on the wall. Didn’t you tell Bob where you live?
Her – No… Did you?
Him – It never crossed my mind…
Her – Oh, for heaven’s sake… One in a million chance…
Silence.
Him – Well… Guess the move will be quicker…
Her – I had no intention of moving.
Him – So what do we do?
Her – What else? We’ll just have to put everything back in its place. You know, the furniture and all those tacky trinkets. New-money style…
Him – OK…
Her – And you’re going to give me my money back. Maybe I’ll have enough to buy a new safe with it. Now that you’ve cracked mine open…
Him – Don’t get too sentimental about that safe. It was junk. I got it open in five minutes…
Her – Unbelievable. I hope the dog’s all right, at least…
Him – You’re still worried about that bloody mutt?
Her – It’s my dog! My dog that you knocked out!
Him – Oh, right, sorry… Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.
Her – Yes… I saw him lying by his kennel when I came in. I wondered why he didn’t bark when he saw me.
Him – Well, he recognised his owner, didn’t he?
Her – Yeah… And I didn’t even recognise my own house…
Him – And then they say animals aren’t as clever as us.
Her – Right then, let’s get to work. We’re not done here, are we…
Him – Or we could report the burglary, and you could claim it on the insurance.
Her – You think?
Him – We’ll get rid of all this junk, if we can pawn it off on someone. And you can use it as an excuse to redecorate…
Her – Yeah… And the stage designer can skip the scene change.
Him – Shall we go out through stage right or stage left?
They exit.
Blackout.
All the texts available on this website can be downloaded for free. However, performance rights, which constitute fair compensation for the author’s work, are a legal obligation. Whether you are an amateur or a professional, you must request authorization to perform the play and pay the corresponding royalties for the production.
To get in touch with Jean-Pierre Martinez and ask an authorization to represent one of his works: CONTACT FORM.
A sketch from the collection Dramedies
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net