A Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – Our daughter just told me she wants to be an actress.
Two – No way?
One – Yes.
Two – She just said that, out of the blue?
One – Yes.
Two – It wasn’t after an argument? Just to annoy you…
One – No. It was this morning at breakfast. She was eating her cornflakes. She looked at me and said: “Mum, when I grow up, I’m going to be an actress.”
Two – Right… So, it’s serious.
One – She’s only five, but… You know her, she’s quite determined.
Two – Good grief… What did we do to deserve this?
One – I was speechless.
Two – But afterwards, you tried to reason with her, right?
One – Of course. I told her it’s not a real job, that no bank would ever give her a mortgage, she’d never have private health insurance, and she’d get a pittance when she retires…
Two – And what did she say?
One – Nothing… She just went back to eating her cornflakes.
Two – Do you think we should punish her?
One – You know her, it would only make her more determined.
Two – Well, anyway… She’s only five. She’s got time to change her mind.
The other one checks their phone.
One – Look, she just sent me a message.
Two – Maybe to apologise.
One – She’s asking me to sign her up with a casting agency.
Two – No way? A casting agency? She doesn’t even know what that is!
One – Apparently, she does. She sent me a list of agencies, ranked by preference.
The other looks stunned.
Two – We’ve created a monster.
A pause.
One – Then again… The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Two – What do you mean with that ridiculous saying?
One – Well… We’re both actors, aren’t we?
Two – Yes, but… It’s different for us. We didn’t choose it. We couldn’t do anything else.
One – Yeah, but… She sees that we don’t do much all day, we have a big house with a pool, a fancy car, and a maid…
Two – You don’t say “maid” anymore, you know?
One – Oh, really?
Two – It’s not politically correct.
One – So what do you call it now?
Two – A domestic worker, I think.
One – But it’s still a maid, isn’t it?
Two – Of course.
One – Isn’t “domestic worker” more for people who take care of dependent persons?
Two – We can’t do anything around the house… You could say we’re dependent.
One – I think for people like us, it’s more like… housekeeper.
Two – Whatever. Let’s just keep calling her the maid.
One – Anyway, the thing is, when our daughter sees that we’re basically useless, but people ask for our autographs in the street, she figures acting’s not a bad plan.
Two – Not all actors are rich, though. I’m not sure she knows that.
One – You’re right. We should put her in a boarding house with struggling actors to show her what the job really looks like.
Two – Do you know any?
One – What?
Two – Struggling actors.
One – Not personally, but… I could look into it…
Two – Anyway, I’ve got to go. I’m playing golf with a Danish producer who absolutely wants me in his next film.
One – And I’ve got therapy at ten.
Two – I swear… The day’s off to a great start…
One – We’re definitely putting her in boarding school.
Two – Yeah… But we’ll also have to let the housekeeper go.
One – Also?
Two – What?
One – You said, “we’ll also have to let the housekeeper go.” We’re keeping the maid, right?
Two – Yes, we’re keeping the maid, don’t panic.
One – You scared me…
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
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