A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
One – Promise me you won’t panic…
Two – What?
One – The Pope is dead.
Two – No way… But how old was he?
One – A hundred and two.
Two – You see? It’s always the best ones who go first.
One – Sorry?
Two – No, I mean… Sometimes it’s the worst who go last. Well… you know what I mean.
One – As they say up there: the first shall be last.
Two – We’ll miss him, you’ll see.
One – Yes, because there’s no telling what the next one will be like… You know what you’ve got, you don’t know what you’ll get.
Two – A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
One – He was a progressive Pope, though.
Two – He stood for world peace and love between men.
One – Yes, well… love between men…
Two – True, he was against gay marriage.
One – And against condoms, even to prevent AIDS.
Two – Against abortion, even in cases of rape or incest.
One – But still… He was a progressive Pope… compared to his predecessors.
Two – True, the Church has evolved on many issues.
One – It no longer burns witches at the stake.
Two – Yes… Nowadays, witches can move freely.
One – Or even start their own business.
Two – The Church has given up on crusades.
One – It no longer openly encourages religious wars.
Two – Even if religion remains the root of most of them.
One – The Church calls for a ceasefire in the Middle East.
Two – And has been for nearly a century. No result yet… but still…
One – It’s the thought that counts.
Two – They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
One – The Church has given up on Inquisition tribunals.
Two – Yes. Nowadays, a scientist can freely state that the Earth revolves around the sun without risking prison, like Galileo.
One – Isn’t that progress?
Two – Yes…
One – Actors are no longer excommunicated. They’re allowed to be buried in the cemetery.
Two – To think that Molière almost ended up in a mass grave. Without the intervention of King Louis XIV…
One – That’s progress too.
Two – And the Church has also evolved a lot regarding politics.
One – Yes. In the event of a coup d’état, the Church no longer automatically sides with the dictatorship. Like in Mussolini’s Italy, Franco’s Spain, Pinochet’s Chile, or Videla’s Argentina…
Two – It’s true that there are fewer coups nowadays, but still…
One – On social issues too…
Two – The Church still forbids the ordination of women and still enforces priestly celibacy, but…
One – It now discreetly reprimands priests who’ve abused minors.
Two – After the statute of limitations, but still… it’s a start.
One – And it generously offers compensation to victims… using the church collection.
Two – No, you can’t say the Church isn’t evolving, but…
One – You can’t say it’s ahead of its time either…
Two – No, you can’t say that either.
One – Let’s just say it’s only a century or two behind.
Two – Maybe after half a dozen progressive popes, it’ll finally catch up with modern times.
One – In any case, this one has just died.
Two – Let’s hope they don’t replace him with someone even more conservative, because at this rate…
One – Yeah, we’ll never get out of the woods.
Two – Can you imagine what it would be like after half a dozen traditionalist popes?
One – Even today, in the United States, some people claim that the Earth is flat and that the first humans lived alongside dinosaurs.
Two – Yes. If there’s a return to tradition, like in Poland, witches and doctors who perform abortions could be in real trouble.
One – They say there’s no smoke without fire… When it comes to witchcraft, for the Church, it’s more like no fire without smoke.
Two – In the meantime, we’ll just have to watch for the white smoke…
One – What, popes get cremated now?
Two – The white smoke! The one that announces the election of the new pope.
One – Ah, right… Let’s hope it’s another progressive pope.
Two – You mean an old, celibate, senile man, elected by a hundred other old men in robes… who will tell young women what they can’t do with their bodies?
One – Yeah, it’s not looking good…
Two – I’ll believe in the Church’s progressiveness the day the smoke is pink. To announce that the new pope is a woman.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Don’t panic!
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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