A sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two characters (men or women) are facing each other.
One – Thank you for welcoming us into your home. I know how keen you usually are to protect your private life. And thank you for granting this interview to our magazine, Celebrity Secrets.
Two – My pleasure…
One – My first question is actually about the press. You’ve often criticised gossip journalists, comparing them to vultures feeding on the misery of the famous, while violating their privacy.
Two – Even if that’s a bit of an exaggeration, I do think actors should be known for the films they’ve made — not for the more or less sordid details of their private lives, which, frankly, no one’s really interested in.
One – Don’t be so modest. Our magazine has millions of readers. It seems the private lives of stars fascinate far more people than you might think.
Two – I hate talking about myself. And I’ve never shared most actors’ fondness for exhibitionism. But I understand that sometimes you have to make a few concessions to modesty to satisfy public curiosity.
One – Of course…
Two – I give very few interviews, in fact.
One – Indeed… That’s exactly what you told us when we met less than a month ago – on the occasion of your third wedding. To a colleague from broadcast journalism, no less…
Two – Alas, we’re already in the process of divorcing.
One – I’m sure we’ll have the chance to talk about it again very soon.
Two – It’s a painful subject for me, but… with pleasure.
One – Let’s turn to the main topic of today’s interview – the release of your much-anticipated autobiography, modestly titled… My Life.
Two – My publisher wanted to call it Behind the Glitter. But I preferred something a little less sensational.
One – That’s actually the subtitle of this six-hundred-page masterpiece.
Two – As I said… sometimes you have to compromise.
One – Without giving too much away, you do touch on your intimate life — with a few celebrities who, for a time, shared your bed… Sorry, I mean your life. And there are quite a few. No one is spared…
Two – It feels rather indecent to talk about one’s love life. But if I was going to do it, I owed my readers the truth — at the very least.
One – We learn, for instance, that your last wife had one leg shorter than the other, and wore orthopaedic insoles to compensate…
Two – It’s important to show people that stars are just like anyone else. Behind the polished images spread by the media are ordinary human beings, with the same flaws as the rest. You know, before they were worshipped as icons, stars were just regular people…
One – Apparently, your wife didn’t appreciate being unwillingly turned into a poster child for imperfection, and filed for divorce shortly after that revelation.
Two – Stars are fragile people. They need to be loved. And to be loved, they think they must hide every single flaw. But in truth, it’s only by revealing your imperfections that you can truly connect with your audience.
One – And yet, in this book, you don’t go into much detail about your own weaknesses.
Two – Out of modesty, believe me.
One – I believe your ex-wife is now preparing her own autobiography. Perhaps, out of respect for your modesty, she’ll take it upon herself to reveal the flaws that will help your audience relate to you more deeply.
Two – Perhaps…
One – To finish, I’d like to ask you a slightly cheeky question.
Two – Be my guest…
One – It’s well known that most celebrities who publish memoirs hire ghostwriters. Did you actually write this autobiography yourself?
Two – If I didn’t know you, I’d take that as an insult… Was there anything in the book that made you doubt I was the author?
One – Not in the book, no. But I happen to know the journalist who actually wrote it very well. I even have his contract in my pocket… Even he did sign it under a pseudonym.
Two – Really… And who do you think that journalist might be?
One – Me.
Two – In that case, congratulations. It’s a very well-written book — I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I even discovered a few anecdotes about my life I didn’t know myself, and which — after checking — turned out to be perfectly true.
One – Thank you for giving us this interview.
Two – Thank you.
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
Find all of Jean-Pierre Martinez’s plays on his website:
https://jeanpierremartinez.net