Sketch by Jean-Pierre Martinez
Two characters (men or women) are there, looking puzzled.
One – I’m not quite sure how to play this character. What about you?
Two – It’s not easy.
One – That’s normal. You need time to make the role your own.
Two – Yeah. To really get under the character’s skin.
One – That’s what the crew never seems to understand.
Two – Sometimes not even the director.
One – We’re not machines, are we?
Two – Exactly.
A pause.
One – How many times have we done that take now?
Two – Twenty-seven, I think.
One – Blimey – that many?
Two – When it doesn’t want to happen…
One – The director seemed a bit on edge, didn’t he?
Two – Yeah…
One – When the director’s tense, it doesn’t exactly help the actors relax.
Two – Apparently he’d have preferred us to know our lines before turning up on set.
One – Yeah, well… I don’t work like that. Do you?
Two – No, me neither.
One – I need to feel the character first. The words come later.
Two – Obviously.
One – As if it were improvised, you know?
Two – Otherwise it doesn’t feel natural.
One – Exactly.
Two – That’s what the Nouvelle Vague directors used to advocate, wasn’t it?
One – Godard left lots of room for improvisation.
Two – Truffaut too, I think.
A pause.
One – Did you get what he meant when he said, “Play it like your life depends on it”?
Two – I think he actually said, “Play it like your future depends on it.”
One – You sure?
Two – I’m not entirely sure I understood it.
One – What’s that supposed to mean, anyway…?
Two – Well… There are two ways of looking at it.
One – Oh yeah?
Two – If it’s “play it like your life depends on it”, it could mean acting with a real sense of urgency.
One – I see… Like it’s life or death.
Two – Exactly.
One – And the other way?
Two – If it’s “play it like your future depends on it”, it could mean…
One – What?
Two – “You lot are crap. You’d better pull your bloody socks up or you’ve got no future in this series.”
One – Oh, right…
Two – Yeah.
One – So you think it was more the second one?
Two – Yeah.
One – OK.
Two – Maybe we should run through it again.
One – Yeah… I reckon we’d better actually learn our lines.
Two – I know it’s not very professional… but still…
One – If our lives depend on it.
Two – Or at least our future in the business.
One – Actually, what he said really helped.
Two – Yeah…
One – A sense of urgency… Yeah, that’s it. We’ll play it with a sense of urgency.
Two – I’m sure take twenty-eight will be the one.
One – Me too, I’ve got a good feeling about it.
Two – Good direction makes all the difference.
One – That’s how you spot a great director.
Two – Too right.
One – Right then, shall we run it again?
Two – OK. With the script in hand, then.
One – Better for now.
They both take out a sheet of paper.
Two – Here we go…
One (reading) – Hello, a coffee, please.
Two – Just a black coffee?
One – Black, yes. Like my mood… My wife just left me. And she took the coffee maker.
Two – I’ll make it a double. On the house.
One – Thanks.
Two – Come on, don’t worry…
One – Do you think she’ll come back?
Two – No, but… maybe she’ll return the coffee maker.
They put down their sheets.
One – I’ve got a good feeling this time, don’t you?
Two – Yeah. I’m really in character now.
One – Shall we go again?
Two – We’re gonna smash it, mate. Just watch…
Blackout.
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A sketch from the collection Backstage Bits
Link to the collection for free download (PDF)
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